Health Visitor turned up after I declined appointment

[AliceBeazley]

So, the Health Visitor. I understand it can be a valuable service to some, and it's good we have this available to us if we need it.

That said, I've never really felt the need myself. I had a visit from one once or twice after my first son was born, and she was very nice but it wasn't especially useful and just took up my time when I would rather have been doing something else.

Whenever I've been sent an appointment, I've gone through the checklist and never had any concerns. I've also got various books on child development in the early years and am proactive about checking whether milestones are being met. I've therefore cancelled all HV appointments that have been sent, and other than the office staff seeming a little puzzled, I've never had an issue doing this.

Roll on to baby number 2. I declined the checks from the start, other than arranging for the HV to come and weigh him when he was a few weeks old. When the 1 year check appointment came through I called the office and cancelled again. The woman said she would pass the message on to the HV.

The HV called and left a message to say she had my message and that's fine, but she could come and do another weigh if I wanted to, yada yada yada.

Feeling the matter was resolved, I forgot about it.

This morning the HV turned up at the door for the 9-12 month check. I explained it had been cancelled, and she sort of made noises as if that was a surprise. I said hang on, did you say your name was "Emma", wasn't it you who left a message for me to acknowledge I'd cancelled. She then said "Yes but as I said, it would be nice to meet you both". I said "Well there's lots of people it would be nice to meet, but you can't just turn up at people's doors uninvited". It was this point she obviously could tell I was annoyed at her intrusion and decides to scuttle off again.

I'm pretty annoyed by this to be honest. She knew I wasn't interested but she tried to disregard my wishes and try and come in anyway. I know a lot of people think HV appointments are mandatory and they don't do anything to point out the contrary. I feel like she just wanted to railroad me into letting her in whether I wanted to see her or not. This tactic probably works on some. I have to say I find it quite disturbing that someone acting on behalf of a government funded organisation can decide to turn up at your house and ask to see your children and intrude upon your privacy without any mandate or justification. As if the state knows better than me and I am unable to opt out.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like complaining about this as its a complete overstep. I've no idea who to complain to or if it would even do any good. I'd appreciate other's thoughts on it. TIA.

OP did not say she didn't have time. She said the service wasn't helpful to her and she didn't want it. Since she doesn't seem to just do things she doesn't need to because someone has told her she should she probably has more time than many mums of newborns to do the things she wants to.

Basically, you’re attitude sucks OP

Oh Op, I am so with you on this one!
I hate those bloody enforced visits! By DC no.4 I only reluctantly allowed one access and answered just Yes or no to everything and kept asking “are you finished yet?” I was really rude but I had 3kids and a newborn and I knew what I was doing, didn’t want or need her advice. I had a precious 3hours whilst 3rd was at nursery and I didn’t want my time wasted by this twat waking my baby. Maybe I was unlucky but the ones I had were pretty stupid.

While your desire not to engage with HV service may be simply one of preference anyone with safeguarding training would see your reluctance as a red flag. People who abuse or neglect children cancel appointments and authorities are castigated if a child slips through the net because of this. They just need to be reassured your child is safe. The HV who called was probably following her organisations safeguarding policy.

I would be annoyed in your shoes but I wouldn’t bother going as far as to complain. I had the complete opposite. With DS1 I had a few HV visits at the start with her coming out to me but no one ever told me I was supposed to book appointments to go as see her at the surgery after those so I never did and it was never mentioned again. With DD2 I had a homebirth. I had the midwife out in the immediate aftermath of delivery it was a planned home birth but she wasn’t quick enough so my mum played catch the baby 😂 I had a doctor out the next morning and a HV came out on about day 3. That was it. Never had any other visits and no one tried to make me.

they are there primarily to check on the baby's welfare.
the baby has a right to that service.
not all parents are capable or unselfish.
OP sounds arrogant and rude. it's not all about what she wants. we live in a community. there is mutual obligations, and respect for people trying to do a worthwhile job. just be reasonable and gracious.
how do they know the baby is ok, if they never see it.

so if you don’t need emotional or physical support and are engaging with other medical practitioners what would the point of the HV be? I mean what would they actually be doing??? I think it would be interesting to see if they do really “add value”. The lack of transparency as to what they achieve makes it hard to see if there might be a better model to follow.

Letting health visitors into your home is optional, as is engaging with any kind of health care. But unless you feel you know absolutely everything there is to know about you and your babies health and well-being why would you not welcome some support? It’s odd that you would think that you know enough not to gain anything from health professionals to be honest. And people avoiding services is a huge red flag for all sorts of worrying situations for babies and young children. How on earth can a health visitor know your children are safe and well if you don’t engage at all? Imagine all hv’s just left all families that didn’t want to let them in without any further follow up, they’d be crucified when all the abuse came to light. What a strange and condescending post…..😔

How did this health professional tell OP what to do, she turned up at the house likely because she needed to see there wasnt a concerning reason that her visits were being declined.

She doesn’t “need” to see that there wasn’t a concerning reason her visits were being declined. She may have wanted to but it wasn’t a need. And in trying to ride roughshod over OP’s entirely reasonable decision she told the OP that declining a visit was wrong. Was not what the HV wanted and so the HV was going to ignore her. In the sense of actions speaking louder than words the HV tried to give a very clear FU to the OP.

I’m afraid I do find your attitude/behaviour to be rude, and somewhat arrogant. It’s also throwing up lots of red flags and an uncomfortable feeling.

Children do need to be safeguarded, and refusing to engage with that isn’t helpful to anyone.

Whilst I agree, HV advice can border on the laughable- I am grateful that someone wants to check that my children are warm and fed.

With ds one I had an amazing HV, she was so supportive with my pnd and reflux baby. Second one I did the first visits and the 2 year check but nothing else. Vaccinations obviously but thats it. No weigh ins, no visits to the clinic.

I find your contempt for safeguarding quite jarring to be honest. Well done you for not needing any support, but most of us do.

I do think you were rude OP and I think you could hVe closed it all off by being polite. Regardless of how you feel she is only doing her job.

A friend of mine whose ds got flagged as speech delayed at the 2 year check was so rude to the HV at the follow up. I was at her home and the hv called to discuss the results and the support available. My friend was sooo rude, telling her how resourceful she is etc. I felt so uncomfortable at her rudeness towards this woman who was only trying to do her job. Child is 4 now, still not talking.

I've always found it strange that people refuse HV appointments. Personally, I got nothing from them, every question I asked was answered with "every child is different" 🙄 However, I did think they were important as they do checks on things I wouldn't have a clue about, like the fact my sons ball hadn't dropped, something that I never would have known!

OP please just let them in to see that everything is ok.
By you being obstructive you are creating more work for the HV so there is a possibility that they are missing something serious going on in another household.
You know very well it's not compulsory. You probably are smarter and do not need their input, but by creating this unnecessary fuss you just could be distracting from a baby that is in real need. Do you want to be that person?

I find the utter contempt for women and their right to say no more than jarring. What if we decide to use this model for other health services? For example many women are at risk of breast cancer and cervical cancer. What if we set up a service that comes to you to give you a smear and check for lumps? Hell let’s add the men in to, what about a guy who comes to the house to check for lumps for them to? Women and men are at risk. Domestic violence is also a problem. What if you say your partner isn’t interested in this service, and you aren’t either? What if they turn up anyway and there’s a strong vibe of “I’m here now anyway”? Do you let them in? Will it help you? How do you feel about medical “help” going forward?

it’s a VOLUNTARY service. OP phoned to say no thanks. She has done nothing wrong.

And if ever an HV wished to see me they need to have the basic courtesy to make a mutually convenient appointment. Not to dictate. Also, when I am 34 and 23 year madam turns up on my doorstep, she may call me Mrs Hellebores and actually look me in the eye and apologise for being 15 minutes late for the first call of the day. I presume the little madam couldn't blame previous appointments for being late at 9am. Sloppy, rude and incompetent.

If I am ordered to attend a baby clinic and it is a command, I expect to be offered an appointment not told to turn up and queue "and well yeah (not even yes) they can be busy and their can be long waits". And if the person is in my home to judge me, may I venture they be on the ball enough to pick up their scarf when they leave - you know to prevent a new mummy having to scoop up after a supposedly grown woman who us supposed to be on the look out for her rather than vice versa.

Complete. Waste. Of. Space.

My HV now lectures HCPs in public health. God help the next generation of mothers

Because that’s not what’s going on here...?

None of the straw man arguments you’ve posed above have anything to do with child safeguarding. Of course we have the right to refuse a service for ourselves but when parents are being deliberately obstructive towards health visitors, they need to investigate why. That parent may just feel that they don’t need the service and can cope just fine without it, but there is also a chance that they might:

• Be struggling and not recognise that they are
• Have an abusive partner who won’t let them access help
• Be harming their child or hiding something

The health visitor won’t know which of those apply until they clap eyes on the child, so a failure to investigate might put a child at risk. Causing mild annoyance to someone like the OP is something I could personally live with if it meant just one child was protected from harm.

I’ve seen your comments crop up a lot on different threads and you usually have nothing nice to say about those (especially women) you seem to think are beneath you in some way.

A lot of internalised misogyny in this post. “The little madam” 🙄

I have nothing positive to say about individuals who are rude, incompetent and uncaring regardless of their sex actually @WhackingPhoenix. When an individual has been rude and provided despicably poor service I will complain formally and expect something to be done about it. Conversely if an individual provides an excellent service I will always formally acknowledge.

The service I received from my HV and her manager was utterly despicable. And yes she was an immature little madam who thought she knew more than women better qualified, more mature and with significantly more life experience than her. I certainly wasn't an expert in looking after a baby when he was 10 days old. However, neither was my HV and on that basis she could have been more courteous, respectful and adopted a little more humility.

It’s not good for you to carry so much anger. Have you had any counselling?

@pcl09

You have had a bad experience but that doesn’t meant that they are scaremongering and thrive on it, that’s ridiculous.

Do you think they sit around planning to scare people into appointments and then thrive off it?

I’v had loads of different HV in different areas and never once had a bad experience, I have had very bad birth experiences, and with midwives but never with HV.

I really can’t understand why so many people are against it, yes some might make mistakes but everyone in every job does every now and then.
You can’t judge a whole service because of 1 experience, if they got rid of the HV service I don’t even want to imagine the things that some awful parents would get away with.

Were the 1st to say why didn’t anyone see the abuse when the worst happens to
a young child, and the attitudes of some on this post is why.

I am angry that as a society we waste so many resources on a meaningless service that serves more to misinform and irk than to support and which operates on an opaque basis.

I'll say it again. The HV service is optional but it's a well kept secret by those responsible for it.

It’s not good for you to carry so much anger. Have you had any counselling? IF you really are a HV I’d suggest you have a think and then discuss this comment with your supervisor.