Top Tip on becoming a grandmother

[HideousKinky]

My eldest daughter is having her first baby next month and we are incredibly excited at the prospect of becoming grandparents!

I often read on mumsnet about tensions that arise within a family around the time of a baby's birth eg I understand that it is important to wait to be invited before coming to meet the baby because they may want time to recover & settle in at home before dealing with visitors.

I also appreciate that some things may well be done differently these days and don't want to make any assumptions. So please tell me your Best Piece of Advice so that I can be loving & supportive to my daughter & her husband without being intrusive or doing the wrong thing.

Thank you - all tips greatly appreciated!

How exciting for you!

My top tip is: Don’t say ‘well in my day we…..’

Noted PlantingTrees

I would just ask your daughter what works for her. I know lots of people on here have views about not wanting visitors too soon but for me having family round soon after was great, they all helped a bit as well as cuddling the baby (doing some cooking, shopping, cleaning etc) which was really welcome and appreciated in my case.

Things I found helpful from my mum.

Bringing bits and bobs from the shop, fresh milk, bread, something to put in the oven for dinner etc. Not everyday obv but every so often.

Telling me to go and sleep for an hour/have a bath and she'd watch the baby.

Helping with the washing, it's crazy what a newborn goes through.

Any jobs round the house, so like any dishes that are there etc.

Taking baby for a walk round the block.

All these things helped me a lot in the first few weeks.

Congrats!

I’m sure you’ll be fine, you’re already thinking about it. ‘In my day, we just chucked you in the deep end of the swimming pool! And you were fine.’ ‘In my day, we slept you on your tummies and you were fine.’ ‘In my day we didn’t have seatbelts and you were fine’ etc etc.

You (presumably) know your daughter and what she needs. My mum was in the delivery room with me and DH, and she came round every day to help for the first month. That was exactly what I wanted and needed, but would have been hell for someone else.

Be supportive and interested but be very offer advice unless it's asked for!

My parents have been perfect grandparents in my opinion. Never the slightest hint of criticism or judgement but always ready to help in whatever way they can.

My mum said - I’ll either come and help you or pay for you to have some additional help
She was so tentative that from there on in we weren’t on guard.
My MiL travelled from Namibia and stayed for 2 mths. She had lots of new ways of doing things ( to me) was constantly feeding us etc and was a whirlwind of can do.
They had opposite approaches but both were made with love. They also both got on which might have been the real key. I was insanely lucky in my MiL

That’s a lovely idea for a thread. The fact that you’re asking speaks volumes about how much you care for your daughter and unborn grandchild and want to support in the best way.

My best advice is to support the new mum to be the kind of mum SHE wants to be. If she wants to hold her newborn seemingly all the time don’t tell her she’s making a rod for her back etc and be critical if she doesn’t want to pass the baby round. If she wants to put them them or pass them over she will. Be encouraging and tell her she’s a great mum and doing so well, and you’re always there if she wants any tried and tested advice but you realise it could be outdated and also that babies are all different. What works for one baby might not work for another, etc. She is the expert on her baby.

Thank you all!

We live about an hour's drive away so not close enough to pop in with bits & pieces from the shops.

I do not get the impression she wants us to come & stay - fortunately her husband can take 18 weeks paternity leave which he will be taking immediately after the birth.

She has not mentioned wanting me at the delivery, other than yesterday when she said if her husband tested positive for covid he would not be allowed to be with her?

Order/pay for a take away one night for sure. If you possibly can, I would travel to drop in shopping/come by and clean etc. I know it’s an hour but it’s not that far to show your DD you are there for her.

Yes Crumpet7 so important to tell her how well she's doing.
Confidence is key

Give practical help when asked. Washing, cooking, cleaning and ironing are all things that new mum's are too tired to bother with much.

You could offer to help if you're not asked.
As the grandchildren grow, the most important (and by far the most difficult) is to keep your mouth firmly shut!

There are lots of things that have changed with childcare since I had my children (now in their mid forties), and I often think my way was so much better! But still best today nothing. ( If mum's want to tolerate tantrums in public, it's up to them.

mums, not mum's

I had a difficult relationship with my mother, but she got this bit so right. She never judged our decisions/choices (even though we did a lot of things very differently), and just offered support and reassurance. I really appreciated it.

I think it's getting the balance right between popping in = helpful and popping in = intrusive that I'm anxious about. I would hate to turn up trying to be helpful when they just want to be left to themselves but are too nice to tell me to go away!

You sound very thoughtful already so that's a big help already! Definitely be open with your daughter before baby arrives about what she would like in the way of support, let her guide you and see what her expectations are. If she doesn't really know yet just have another open conversation when baby is here, she may have times where she wants more help and support and others with less. The relationship between mother and daughter when the daughter becomes a mother herself is a journey in my experience and ever changing, being able to talk openly about things if possible makes life so much easier (but do appreciate not everyone finds that easy or has that type of relationship)

@HideousKinky I really agree. As a new first time mum myself, it’s really helped me when MY mum has said this sort of thing. Also, when she talks to my baby or holds her, she says ‘where’s mummy? There she is!’ And holds her so she can see me or passes her back etc. It sounds silly but if you are struggling a little bit with confidence or in the early newborn days when the baby doesn’t really ‘give much affection back’, this helps.

My biggest tip is switch on your 'whatever, go with the flow' button.

She may think she wants something and then changes her mind. Don't take it personally. My daughter wanted me at the birth and after 10 mins thought otherwise. That was fine.

Offer once or may be twice to help and then wait for the phone to go. Don't keep pushing. Again, mine asked me to visit at the hospital which was lovely , then said can we have some time at home alone, absolutely. An hour after they were home I got a call asking if I'd watch the baby as they were desperate to have a sleep. It was all fine.

Just be available. If asked for an opinion , give it tentively with but you don't have to do it that way.

It's the most exciting time. Wait for the grandma love explosion. Its fabulous.

Congratulations, OP

I'm in a similar position but have longer to wait; so very happy for my daughter and son-in-law, especially as they thought it would never happen.

I've already learned some lessons from my own dear mama. She arrived to stay and "help" the very morning I came home from the hospital.
She cooed agreeably over the baby and made nice small talk.
When I tentatively said, "I suppose we need to think about lunch...", she made sure I wasn't put to too much trouble by telling me: "Well, I've just had a long journey, darling, so I'm happy with something light, thank you".
DH was particularly helpful by dropping her off at the railway station the next day...
So, I've learned some things not to do

I'm hoping that I'll be reasonably helpful without being obtrusive, as grandmothers have no doubt been over the generations, but new ideas/tips are always welcome.

Give your advice or opinion when it's asked for.

Always remember who's baby it is, and it isn't yours.

Before you do anything "helpful", ask first. It's their home and you need to respect their boundaries. They may not be comfortable with you washing their laundry, changing their sheets, etc.

I used to go round to DS’s three afternoons a week. I’d take lunch. Then DDIL and I either took the baby round for a walk in the park; or DDIL bf the baby and went for a nap. I‘d walk the baby to sleep, who then slept in my arms for three hours.When the baby woke, DDIL bf the baby while I cooked their dinner. We also used to invite them for Sunday lunch, so they could go for a nap while we looked after the baby in the afternoon.

We found THE best thing we could do for them, was to walk the baby to sleep, which we could do in 5 minutes! They were amazed!

Agree the most important thing is listening.

Remember they are a baby/child not a doll. So ask before buying lots of pink tutus or multicoloured babygros or mini football kits. Different parents have different tastes.

Read up on modern guidelines for sleep, bottles, car seats, breastfeeding, weaning etc. Even stuff from when my elder DD was born 11 years ago is different now. It changed between her and her 9yo sister even!

Dont make promises you can't keep or regret, like childcare.

Enjoy the next stage of your family.

[quote Crumpet7]@HideousKinky I really agree. As a new first time mum myself, it’s really helped me when MY mum has said this sort of thing. Also, when she talks to my baby or holds her, she says ‘where’s mummy? There she is!’ And holds her so she can see me or passes her back etc. It sounds silly but if you are struggling a little bit with confidence or in the early newborn days when the baby doesn’t really ‘give much affection back’, this helps.[/quote]
I get this completely. It doesn't sound remotely silly. Thank you.