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Original poster

Top Tip on becoming a grandmother

108 replies

HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 14:58

My eldest daughter is having her first baby next month and we are incredibly excited at the prospect of becoming grandparents!

I often read on mumsnet about tensions that arise within a family around the time of a baby's birth eg I understand that it is important to wait to be invited before coming to meet the baby because they may want time to recover & settle in at home before dealing with visitors.

I also appreciate that some things may well be done differently these days and don't want to make any assumptions. So please tell me your Best Piece of Advice so that I can be loving & supportive to my daughter & her husband without being intrusive or doing the wrong thing.

Thank you - all tips greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
Nosetickle · 18/04/2022 16:30

Be led by your daughter as to what she wants but I really would have massively appreciated practical help with cooking and cleaning in the early days, once my DH was back at work. Or someone to hold the baby while I slept.

Original poster
HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 16:53

One of the biggest predictors of breastfeeding success is family history

Very interesting - I did not know this

OP posts:
PaperTyger · 18/04/2022 17:44

Op just ask.
Maybe have some of their favourite dishes cooked abs frozen.
Remember having a baby is a total fluid situation!.

She may end up with a c section etc.
You may be required to jump in car to help And Also depending on their finances.... a little money doesn't go amiss!!

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Families
CharlesIsQueensHorcrux · 18/04/2022 18:23

Hi OP - you sound great & I’m sure you will be a fab granny! My key thing would be not to rush - the first grandchild is such an exciting time for the grandparents, but for the parents it’s also quite overwhelming - in my experience a lot of grandparents vs parents disputes arise because the grandparents want to jump in whereas really hopefully you will be the granny of a child grandchild for 18 years so don’t stress if you don’t get as many cuddles as you would like at the very beginning of the other granny is there when the baby first smiles or whatever. Also I would frame it to yourself as how can I support the family rather than just your daughter as it’s harder to get things right with your children in law than your own children so just worth giving them some extra thought. And I second reassuring the new parents that they’re doing great - it’s an amazing but physically and emotionally overwhelming time and this kind of support is priceless. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 18:36

Yes CharlesIsQueensHorcrux you are right, it is about supporting them as a family unit. We are the only grandparents in this country as daughter's husband is from USA and all his family are there.

OP posts:
Squiff70 · 18/04/2022 18:45

Oh bless you, this is so lovely!

Definitely wait to be invited to see the baby once they arrive. Also, be as interested and excited to see your grandchild as they grow up just as much as you are whilst they're tiny. So many grandparents lose themselves in the moment of having a new grandchild then 'lose interest' as they get a bit bigger. It's really sad but it happens.

When it's a convenient time, ask the parents how THEY would like you to help. If you can afford to and would like to, maybe you could offer to buy the pram or cot, or put money towards them. Having a baby (especially a first one) can be hugely expensive and having the offer of support in that respect can help a lot. If helping financially isn't an option for whatever reason, maybe offer to go baby shopping or offer to cook some freezable meals prior to the birth so that the exhausted new parents can spend minimal time in the kitchen and more time with their baby.

I'm sure you'll be wonderful grandparents and it's lovely that you've asked for advice on how to be supportive and enjoy the experience without being overbearing. Enjoy!

Knittingnanny2 · 18/04/2022 18:47

You sound lovely and thoughtful
I also say to my adult children that they are the only experts with their children and I will follow their lead. I never give advice unless asked and make sure I’m alway reading up on the latest guidance.
May I very gently say as the mother of 3 boys and stepdaughters not to leave out the other excited grandma?

Knittingnanny2 · 18/04/2022 18:48

Sorry just seen they are in the USA, so ignore that bit of my pist

Knittingnanny2 · 18/04/2022 18:48

Post

Limer · 18/04/2022 18:59

Ask what your DD wants you to do - and do it. Hold the baby, clean the floor, make tea, change the bed, whatever.

Don't go mad buying stuff. Set up a savings account for your grandchild and make regular contributions.

Original poster
HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 20:16

Regarding financial contributions, we helped them out with a very substantial sum to buy their home a few years ago which I know they really appreciated and they consider themselves very lucky when so many in their generation cannot buy. Since then they have firmly resisted offers of money (eg at their wedding last year) until now when we offered to get the item I mentioned earlier for the baby

OP posts:
Fedupofthis123 · 18/04/2022 20:27

Don’t do what my mum keeps doing… she is currently coming over 3-4 times a week. I can live with that but she immediately takes dd from me and I don’t get her back until she leaves two hours later.
Don’t even get me started on her snatching the pram off me. She is driving me bananas.

Wutipo · 18/04/2022 20:32

Don’t think you are helping by offering to come round every day to chat and hold the baby. Offer to do various jobs around the house and cook instead. I found the only help people wanted to give was holding the baby, which isnt the help I wanted

6demandingchildren · 18/04/2022 20:40

My daughter wanted me at the birth but not down the end where it was all happening, I sat in the corner encouraging my son in law and was mainly there to support him so he could support her, and I took the birth photos, it was a magical experience that I told my daughter that I don't want to repeat as seeing her in pain was awful, she is due her second child in the next few months and I will be looking after my grandson, after I will probably have him often so she can catch up on sleep I will also be ordering essential for from Tesco to be delivered and just eat to help them out. I am very lucky as I get on really well with my son in law as doors DH.

Badger1970 · 18/04/2022 21:01

My DD has been amazing at including me all the way throughout with my grandchildren, including going to scans and seeing my 1st grandchild born. With the subsequent ones, I was the childcare!

My approach was always to help - run the hoover round, wash up, put washing on rather than grab the baby off her. She was happy curled up on the sofa feeding and resting. I was also quite adept at visitor management......... timer on for 45 minutes, cup of tea, coo over baby then out!

I also found that offering to go for a walk/have baby for an hour to let her have a bath/nap was well received. Especially when the chaos of the visitors had passed and the tiredness really kicked in. That was when she also really appreciated some home cooked easy meals.

It's the best feeling in the world OP, I still get tears in my eyes thinking of the morning my first grandson was born and holding so tightly onto him while DD had a bath afterwards. I told him all about his family and how excited we were to watch him grow up.

Curlygirl06 · 18/04/2022 21:15

I'm very lucky that my daughter lives near me. With her first she had a bad time so I could easily nip round and take him out on the pram so she could have a rest. I also offered to do his washing for her, ended up doing it for 2 years!
I had him 2 days a week until he went to school, and it was great. This may be a way off, but if you get to see any of their "firsts", sitting up, rolling over, smiling etc don't mention it, wait until they see it.
As other people have said, don't give advice unless asked, and offer to do useful things like washing up, shopping, meals etc.
Whenever I took him back to his parents I always thanked them for letting me have him, even though they were thanking ME for having him.
You'll be fine.

Thedogissnoringagain · 18/04/2022 21:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/04/2022 21:21

Don't drop by when the baby is 4 days old and be all huffy that the baby is asleep so say "ill go home. Ring me when they wake up" Hmm

rhowton · 18/04/2022 21:49

You know your daughter the best. Just be there for her and support her in any way possible. My mum is an absolute angel and I feel loved and supported.

WhereWasThatFrom · 18/04/2022 21:52

If I knew my Mum started a thread about how she should behave around me and my baby I'd be absolutely horrified 😂😂😂😂
Mumsnet is not indicative of normal life. Just chill and muddle along doing what you think it right. All this awkward nervous overthinking is painful.

2bazookas · 18/04/2022 22:00

We bought a good second hand clean cot, bedding and highchair, and a new changing mat, so that when they brought the DGC to visit they had everything they needed available, easy and comfortable. When the DGC out grew baby kit, we passed it back into the local granny gang.

We also kept and still keep all sorts of toys books crayons craft bits and pieces, so the GC always have things to do and games to play with us when they come. Much of it comes from charity shops.

PeaceLurking9to5 · 18/04/2022 22:06

I'd say, don't assume your daughter's values will be the same as your own. My mother used to tell me when the children were squabbling, like, I had to sort that out immediately, I couldn't let them sort it out. When they were teens she'd say ''Peace!'' if they were swearing (mildly even).
Just that assumption that the things that mattered to her were going to matter to me. They didn't.

kitcat15 · 18/04/2022 22:12

@MolliciousIntent

You (presumably) know your daughter and what she needs. My mum was in the delivery room with me and DH, and she came round every day to help for the first month. That was exactly what I wanted and needed, but would have been hell for someone else.
You sound like my DD 😁
Cheesechips · 18/04/2022 22:19

The website Cook do a great new parents set of lovely frozen meals for about £60. My boss sent them to me and they were a godsend www.cookfood.net/products/7-Nights-of-Meals/

Hall84 · 18/04/2022 22:27

I'm working through the posts but when I had my little girl my mum took 2 weeks leave as my husband went back to work. At the time I worried it would be too much but actually it was perfect! I ended up with an emergency section so would have really struggled after 12 days. They are also an hour away but popped in to coo over baby, brought shopping & dinner a couple of times in the first 2 weeks then she got the train to me every day in time to let me shower and have a hot coffee! They do childcare for us 2 days now, which I'm very grateful for. Ultimately though the biggest thing is listened and did what I asked in terms of routine/weaning/bed even if now I can look back and recognise that it wasn't all needed 🙈