Top Tip on becoming a grandmother

[HideousKinky]

My eldest daughter is having her first baby next month and we are incredibly excited at the prospect of becoming grandparents!

I often read on mumsnet about tensions that arise within a family around the time of a baby's birth eg I understand that it is important to wait to be invited before coming to meet the baby because they may want time to recover & settle in at home before dealing with visitors.

I also appreciate that some things may well be done differently these days and don't want to make any assumptions. So please tell me your Best Piece of Advice so that I can be loving & supportive to my daughter & her husband without being intrusive or doing the wrong thing.

Thank you - all tips greatly appreciated!

A dear friend’s lovely mum told me that her golden rule was to “remember you are mother first, grandmother second”.

That’s always really stuck with me. And certainly isn’t the overbearing-push-you-out-of-the-way-to-get-to-the-baby-approach my own DM took.

Remember to wish your daughter a Happy Mothers Day. My own dm never has acknowledged me as a mother on that day and it would mean so much to me if she did.

Listen with seriousness when your DD goes through the bedtime routine. The volume of the white noise machine, the way you zip up the sleeping bag thing, and the precise number of green bottles hanging on the wall has been a meticulously curated sequence of events!!! Respect the lunacy your DD may have got into over such things. Even she will laugh about it later, but at the time it will hurt her feelings if you roll your eyes and disregard everything she’s worked hard to establish (even if it seems bonkers).

Enjoy op!

@WhereWasThatFrom

If I knew my Mum started a thread about how she should behave around me and my baby I'd be absolutely horrified 😂😂😂😂 Mumsnet is not indicative of normal life. Just chill and muddle along doing what you think it right. All this awkward nervous overthinking is painful.

I do not feel awkward or nervous - I'm just full of excitement as the baby's due date approaches and starting a thread asking about what everyone found most valuable from their own mothers was a way of engaging joyfully, as well as being informative.

Thank you all so much - I have really enjoyed reading all your comments and will be showing them to my husband too!

@RightThenWhatNow absolutely! I totally agree. Cultivate the smile and nod, everything re babies continually changes so go with your daughters plans.
One of my daughter in laws did “ no making eye contact with baby after 6 pm so they know it’s nighttime not playtime” I just nodded and did as requested. She didn’t do it with the second baby, but again I just nodded and did as requested.
Hope I don’t ever appear on a bonkers mother in law thread!

WhereWasThatFrom

If I knew my Mum started a thread about how she should behave around me and my baby I'd be absolutely horrified 😂😂😂😂
Mumsnet is not indicative of normal life. Just chill and muddle along doing what you think it right. All this awkward nervous overthinking is painful.

Actually, I found this comment very helpful (along with many comments here, obviously).
It does help to remember that MN isn't a true cross-section of real life; generally nobody will start a thread to say that things are going pretty well and normally, so the extremes are probably over-represented.

Recently, I was clearing out some drawers and came across a shawl my aunt had embroidered. I was christened in it, as were my two daughters. I told my daughter about it and then, mindful of not forcing my own values etc on her, said she didn't have to have it if wasn't what she liked and I wasn't automatically expecting they would have the baby christened etc.
She obviously thought I'd gone mad and said she'd love to have it and of course she wants the baby christened...

Reading MN probably had made me (I'm not implying it's had that effect on anyone else) overthink things and I feel I should have had more confidence in my own thoughts and my experience of having babies and a mother and MIL myself etc as well as staying mindful and open to new and different ideas.

I'll certainly continue read the thread; I think it was a really good idea to start it - thanks, HideousKinky and, again, congratulations from one grandma-to-be to another - and any hints or tips are gratefully received.
But I'm also grateful for that reminder, @WhereWasThatFrom

Try not to interfere but don't be absent, difficult balance. When the girls were born my mum came around just for short periods to help even if it was just to have a cuppa and a chat. When the broken nights and long days took their toll she sat with them and let me get my head down for a few hours to catch up on sleep (I think OH benefitted from that most as sleep deprived me could be a grumpy cow).

My DM did nothing. I would have loved her to look after my DS so I could sleep, put laundry on, go and get groceries and cook a meal.

As you are far away you could perhaps send some groceries?

The thing that sticks out to me is that when my mum came to see us and the baby she walked straight up to me and gave me a huge cuddle and told me how amazing I did. Every other person went straight to the baby and I was an afterthought.

@ComDummings that’s lovely to hear. Most mums and mother in laws just want to be helpful and supportive in whatever way the new parents want. Unfortunately I’ve read some horrid things on mumsnet from new parents and disgruntled grandparents but obviously in real life there must be plenty who get it “ just right”
I too keep reminding my adult children what a fab job they are doing.

Even when I secretly think some things are slightly bonkers! Like the no eye contact thingy. My daughter in law does laugh about that now.

My top tip is to regularly say the magic words: "How can I help?" Then follow through!

My own DP have very set ideas about what they think will be "helpful" and it usually involves pointing out flaws in my domestic arrangements or doing tasks that are not actually of any use ... eg methodically folding huge piles of clothes without sorting them or putting them away. I would love them to ask what I actually need help with.

@RightThenWhatNow

A dear friend’s lovely mum told me that her golden rule was to “remember you are mother first, grandmother second”.

That’s always really stuck with me. And certainly isn’t the overbearing-push-you-out-of-the-way-to-get-to-the-baby-approach my own DM took.

Remember to wish your daughter a Happy Mothers Day. My own dm never has acknowledged me as a mother on that day and it would mean so much to me if she did.

Listen with seriousness when your DD goes through the bedtime routine. The volume of the white noise machine, the way you zip up the sleeping bag thing, and the precise number of green bottles hanging on the wall has been a meticulously curated sequence of events!!! Respect the lunacy your DD may have got into over such things. Even she will laugh about it later, but at the time it will hurt her feelings if you roll your eyes and disregard everything she’s worked hard to establish (even if it seems bonkers).

Enjoy op!

Ah this is such good advice, I would agree with all of these points.

Tbh Respect the lunacy sums it up perfectly I think, not just about bedtime routines but in general. For me having a baby really knocked me for six and I definitely had some anxious behaviours with my PFB and it would have made such a difference to have someone meet me with kindness and understanding, not ridicule and dismissiveness and 'knowing better'.

Don't speak in a baby voice while using the opportunity to give Mum advice.

Don't make any changes to feed or routine.

Don't decide to get them walking or give them just a taste of something.

Make your own tea when you go round and offer to bring a meal.

Say how wonderful bf or bb is depending on what she's doing.

Ask if you can help and if she really doesn't want it, respect that.

Don't get it into your head that the parents have to be out of the way for you to bond with the child.

Don't suggest overnights. When the child is ready they still request.

Ask what is needed before buying big toys that will take up space.

Don't make comments about tiredness, state of the house) even as a precursor to offering to tidy).

Ignore hormones.

Do not make a fuss about your feelings or hopes or disappointments. You will have them but the new parents have enough going on.

Don't offer views on how hot/cold baby is (Mum will know).

Don't loudly and frequently praise or coddle your son. It's just annoying to the person who has actually been a hero

This is such a lovely thread and wonderful that you started it! Congratulations! I have been told that being a grandparent brings a whole new level of deep love - I wish you and your family all the best for the new arrival!

I think the fact that you have already mentioned that you will wait to be invited rather than ask to visit is perfect! I was inundated with family asking when they could visit even hours after giving birth. I was told by both grandparents that they wanted to see the baby as soon as possible! That felt very intrusive and put more pressure on me to accommodate them (like I needed to take on their anxieties and become some kind of event planner at that time?!). The practical implications of this are that accommodating guests can get in the way of seeking out help for things like breastfeeding, health visitor advice, investigating tongue tie matters. I delayed getting much needed breastfeeding help because I was accommodating visitors during the week. So, I think recognising that those early days are so precious and actually, there’s potentially a lot of things to resolve to put the baby and new parents first, is really important. So maybe some gentle support to help the new parents focus on these things if it seems they are putting their visitors first?

Otherwise, definitely being there to do little jobs that might help and gently asking to be told if there is anything they need help with.

Most importantly though, and I love that others have already said this - please focus on the new parents first and tell the mum how brilliant she is! Always ask the parents first how they are before asking about the baby. Of course show lots of interest and love for the baby and offer to hold the baby but show understanding that they may want to keep them close for the time being.

Finally, I always appreciate it when people wash their hands before holding the baby - just shows that they are taking sensible precautions and it’s not all about them grabbing their cuddles with their grandchild! Sorry, I may be slightly venting about my own previous experiences here.

Good luck and I think you sound wonderful and so considerate.

You sound so considerate all ready. I would happily accept almost all help from my mum, but I hate anyone doing my laundry (especially after birth - blood stains etc). So I personally would prefer a quick check in eg 'I thought I could quickly run the vacuum around, walk the dog and make us some lunch?' rather than just diving into my dirty clothes hamper, for example.

The loveliest things I remember from visitors in the early days were people who brought simple, homemade food that I could microwave and eat with just a fork/spoon whilst holding my baby, and those who told me I was doing an amazing job. :)

No judgement - only give advice when asked.

Just listen to her, she may or may not need help but she may just want to talk about her baby or how brilliant it is (or not).

Call and text to check in to see how she is - I notice you are an hour away - just knowing you are thinking of her will mean a lot.

Ask her what she needs before you buy anything and take into account her taste - does she want pink or blue, neutral, modern etc.

I managed ok with my house etc so didn't need someone to hold the baby while I showered or to help clean but I liked company when baby fell asleep on me. This will depend on your relationship with daughter, how she copes and her type of birth.

Don't force babysitting she will leave baby when she is ready.

Hand baby back when she asks.

I remember parents both wanting their “turn” holding the baby. And that was really frustrating as I wanted to hold him. So don’t prioritise you wanting to hold baby. Unless of course she wants a break and asks you to.

Don't refer to the baby as your baby. Don't refer to yourself as mama in relation to the baby!!

MIL had a weird obsession with changing DTs nappies every 90 minutes. Nothing sinister but she was used to the days of terry nappies and nappy rash.

@Thistooshallpsss that is so important. My mum basically ignored me for six months to get to the babies. It has had a massive impact on our relationship.

For various reasons my mum has not been helpful at all around my births. But if asked, what would have been lovely would have been for my mum to ask “and what can I do to look after you”. We don’t have that sort of relationship - my dad once brought the washing in when I was feeding the baby - but as excited as you are about the grandchild, reassurance that she is your daughter and you’ll do as much or as little as she wants for support would have been lovely.

I'm in the same situation, op, with dd due to give birth in August. Like you, I'm very excited but don't want to go wrong! I had my first little insight when dd said she wasn't going to bf baby. She knows me well so knew what I thought of that immediately. Need to learn to arrange my face better when we talk about these things!

Also, when she talks to my baby or holds her, she says ‘where’s mummy? There she is!’ And holds her so she can see me or passes her back etc. It sounds silly but if you are struggling a little bit with confidence or in the early newborn days when the baby doesn’t really ‘give much affection back’, this helps.

I learned this from my sister, who did this when I had my son. It's something I now do with any child I might hold, whether baby or a bit older.

Listen and attempt to read the room. Don't offer advice. Don't criticise for failing to write thank you notes within a week for numerous baby gifts received from your friends.

We invited my Mum to stay after the birth as we thought she'd like to be involved as she'd moaned for years about being the 'second best Granny' to my DB's children. She lived a 3-4 hour drive away so couldn't just pop in. She stayed 3 nights (2 of them after me and baby came home).

She was an absolute nightmare. Yes, she drove us home from hospital, and cooked tea twice. But she did it with much huffing and puffing and 'look at me, aren't you grateful?!' type stuff going on. She talked incessantly, which I struggled to cope with whilst sleep-deprived. Any practical help such as watching the baby whilst we slept or taking baby out for a walk in the pram she didn't want to do. She also failed to advocate for me/our baby when we were messed around by an awful patronising midwife who missed the signs of dehydration in my baby. She then left to go home, and we became an emergency readmission to hospital.

What we needed was peace and quiet. It would have been preferable to pay for something like a ready meal subscription from Cook rather than have her in the house. She also took up the spare room which meant we couldn't take it in turns to sleep there so we ended up more sleep-deprived than necessary. And we could have got a taxi home from hospital (emergency re-admission was by taxi and we came home again in that!).

@HideousKinky

What about breastfeeding? I know she intends to breastfeed. I breastfed 3 babies myself and I really enjoyed the experience, it went very well for me. Should I not offer advice about this either, unless asked?

Definitely don't offer advice. It can be a very sensitive subject. My mum breastfed and I personally didn't want to. We're all different.

My dd was very chilled, so no question of not visiting, etc.
I’d say give whatever practical help you can - anything housework/laundry/shopping related. Plus if appropriate, holding the baby while she e.g. has a shower, or taking it out in the pram so she can have a nap.

Taking a meal that can just be shoved in the oven to heat up is usually appreciated, esp. in the early days.

And of course no advice unless you’re asked!

A few recommendations after two very difficult experiences with my mum:

-photos and social media: respect their wishes, a baby is not just a photo opportunity and don’t post on socials if they don’t want you to. Don’t hold baby for 5 minutes, take 10 photos, then spend 30mins whatsapping all your contacts:

-outfits: ask before you buy and LISTEN! Don’t buy pink frilly stuff if they don’t want it even if you think it’s cute.

-looks: don’t comment on mum’s looks before or after. (No comments on looking tired/hair falling out/looking shattered/still having a tum etc most likely she knows!)

-help! With meals, tidying, washing - don’t expect to be served or cups of tea and bring food when you visit in the early days or months.

don’t offer advice unless asked and don’t insist on things if mum doesn’t want it. My mum was obsessed with taking baby for walks which I oft n didn’t want for a number of reasons (main one she kept getting lost and couldn’t use Google maps!) don’t push for things like sleepovers.

Ask about mum and talk to her how she is feeling and coping. It’s not just about baby.

Definitely don't offer advice. It can be a very sensitive subject. My mum breastfed and I personally didn't want to. We're all different.

That may apply to you, who didn’t want to breastfeed; but it doesn’t apply to everyone! My DDIL struggled the first six weeks with bf and wanted advice, because she is not English and all her family live in her home country. Her DM doesn’t want to undertake the journey here on her own. DDIL had nobody else for support with bf and I had bf all three DC.