Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Top Tip on becoming a grandmother

108 replies

HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 14:58

My eldest daughter is having her first baby next month and we are incredibly excited at the prospect of becoming grandparents!

I often read on mumsnet about tensions that arise within a family around the time of a baby's birth eg I understand that it is important to wait to be invited before coming to meet the baby because they may want time to recover & settle in at home before dealing with visitors.

I also appreciate that some things may well be done differently these days and don't want to make any assumptions. So please tell me your Best Piece of Advice so that I can be loving & supportive to my daughter & her husband without being intrusive or doing the wrong thing.

Thank you - all tips greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 15:26

I think it's getting the balance right between popping in = helpful and popping in = intrusive that I'm anxious about.

Please, don't just "pop in." Honestly, that should be illegal in my opinion. Ok, I'm being silly, but still. Popping in is the perfect way to cause problems. Just call first!

Kittycaz · 18/04/2022 15:27

Hi op, am due to give birth any day now and thought I'd give my opinion with my mum. It's gonna be my mums 1st grandchild and she's very excited and tells anyone who will listen about him. I've arranged for my mum to bring me home from the hospital so she is the 1st person apart from me and DH that my LO meets. I thought that was really special even though its only a ten minute drive and helping me settle LO at home. I then plan on having 2 weeks just DH, LO and me so I can recover before asking any other family over. It might be nice to ask your daughter what she would like to do but I can understand how excited you are x

Original poster
HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 15:32

Aquamarine1029 I live an hour away so all visits would be prearranged. I just meant the balance between being helpful & being intrusive in general is where I feel I might get it wrong.

Very good point about not buying stuff without discussion. We bought one of the larger items as our gift (our daughter chose and we paid)

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Morred · 18/04/2022 15:33

She and her DH may get very sleep-deprived at first - at that stage I found it bewildering to be asked “just let me know what I can do”. Navigating what was too much to ask, or what was the “right thing” seemed a lot to think about. My lovely MIL was very good at saying “now, shall I hold the baby for an hour while you sleep, or shall I do lunch and put a wash on, or shall I go to big Tesco’s and get a shop in?” and then we could just pick!

daylights12345 · 18/04/2022 15:34

Genuinely care about the mother and her experience and wellbeing (not just about the baby as in YOUR grandchild, for yourself)

Congratulations! Flowers

Original poster
HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 15:35

Various posters have mentioned not giving unasked-for advice.
Thank you, yes, that's perhaps the most important tip of all!!
It is annoying and undermines confidence

OP posts:
Sillydoggy · 18/04/2022 15:41

It sounds like you are very thoughtful so I'm sure you will be fine. My suggestion is to listen. It's quite hard as a new parent to say 'please don't do that' so if you start getting gentle pushback just ease off. I like the idea of offering several different ways to help at first until it settles down. Most importantly no criticism only kindness and support.

Original poster
HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 15:43

When the baby is about a month old her husband has to go to the US for his brother's wedding, so my daughter & baby will be coming to stay with us here for 10 days. I am so looking forward to this bit because I will get the chance to look after her in the day-to-day way some of you are describing, caring for the baby while she sleeps or takes a bath, making her meals etc

OP posts:
Original poster
HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 15:48

daylights12345 Yes I was saying exactly this to my husband the other day - my first concern will be to see how she is, not pushing past her to get to the baby!

I have been made quite nervous about the experience she might have in hospital after reading a horrifying thread about post-natal wards on here a few months ago in which they sounded like the seventh circle of hell! Apparently fathers/visitors allowed there all the time??

OP posts:
stimpyyouidiot · 18/04/2022 15:49

This is lovely op. The fact you're thinking about this means you'll do great.

One thing my mum did was come round and make the teas and make sure I'd eaten. It was always appreciated.

SMabbutt · 18/04/2022 15:56

I told my son and dil that I hoped I would ve a good mil and gm, but I would probably make mistakes. I asked them to tell me if I did anything they weren't happy with as I couldn't build a good relationship and support them if they didn't tell me when I did something they weren't comfortable with. I also told them they could ask for help and I would always try to give it, but if I couldn't it would be for a good reason and didn't mean I didn't live them. Apart from that, always ask before visiting and ask what help they would prefer. Some people are happy to have you take washing or do cleaning, others find it invasive and prefer you to cuddle baby while they get some rest. I have 3 daughters in law with children and we get on fine so I think this works well.

EntreMummy · 18/04/2022 15:58

With my first baby I arranged for my mother to come and stay with us for a few weeks once my DHs paternity leave had finished - so I had “on hand” help for almost the first 6 weeks - which was amazing. My mum used to come for the week and then go home at the weekends.

I was so sleep deprived and felt hugely overwhelmed in those first weeks after giving birth that having my mum there to look after me (she did all the washing, cooking, cleaning etc) so that all I had to do was concentrate on breastfeeding and nappy changing - was a lifesaver for me.

But I think you just need to discuss with your daughter what she wants from you / how much involvement she wants you to have - and be prepared that this will change and evolve as time goes on and needs change.

It will be difficult for her to know at this point how much help she will want. As you don’t know how you’re going to feel until your baby arrives.

chubbachub · 18/04/2022 15:59

Help as much as you are asked to. Don't be overbearing. Sometimes doing things like just popping in with food or dinners or taking the washing to do suggests that you think they can't cope. It really depends on your daughter - is she very independent do-it-herself type, or do you think she would like hands on extra help?

Original poster
HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 16:04

She & her husband are pretty laid back and as he will have 4 months paternity leave as soon as the baby is born they might manage pretty well! But we are close and I think she will feel able to ask for any help she needs

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 18/04/2022 16:06

Don't buy too much.

Don't offer advice unless it's asked for.

Do practical things.

Tell them, but especially your daughter, how well they are doing.

tryingtosettle · 18/04/2022 16:08

You know your daughter, just take things at her pace. On here it seems everyone wants a month of "family time" before introducing people to their newborn. However, I had parents, siblings, grandparents all visit in the days after giving birth. They helped me by cooking, cleaning, nipping to the shop for me, generally just coming round for a cuppa and a chat, but as a family we do those sorts of things for each other anyway.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 18/04/2022 16:10

Don’t offer unsolicited advice, or think that your way is the best way of doing something.

Cannedlaughter · 18/04/2022 16:15

My biggest tip is switch on your 'whatever, go with the flow' button.

She may think she wants something and then changes her mind. Don't take it personally. My daughter wanted me at the birth and after 10 mins thought otherwise. That was fine.

Offer once or may be twice to help and then wait for the phone to go. Don't keep pushing. Again, mine asked me to visit at the hospital which was lovely , then said can we have some time at home alone, absolutely. An hour after they were home I got a call asking if I'd watch the baby as they were desperate to have a sleep. It was all fine.

Just be available. If asked for an opinion , give it tentively with but you don't have to do it that way.

Also my daughter loves me buying clothes for the little one but that's because I buy in shops and styles she likes.

It's the most exciting time. Wait for the grandma love explosion. Its fabulous.

Original poster
HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 16:17

What about breastfeeding? I know she intends to breastfeed.

I breastfed 3 babies myself and I really enjoyed the experience, it went very well for me.

Should I not offer advice about this either, unless asked?

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 18/04/2022 16:23

@HideousKinky

What about breastfeeding? I know she intends to breastfeed. I breastfed 3 babies myself and I really enjoyed the experience, it went very well for me. Should I not offer advice about this either, unless asked?
Zero advice, especially if you didn't struggle!
Namesrus · 18/04/2022 16:23

No to breast feeding advice. Gentle encouragement through the tough bits fine but nothing more unless specifically asked. If asked be positive but honest.

PaperTyger · 18/04/2022 16:25

Hopefully you already have an open fairly truthful And definitely respectful dialogue with your dd.
So Just ask her.
Have we stayed too long, can I bring you anything, what's the best support I can offer right now, can I bring anything for the baby?

Just ask, doubt foist, act entitled Push new mum out of the way and tell the baby you Will do everything so much better, tell your dd She had it lucky compared too you etc

BeastOfBODMAS · 18/04/2022 16:26

I would have a little brush up on the latest NHS guidance for things like safe sleep, feeding etc as these things do change over time.

My mum meant well but I could never leave her with the newborn as she was forever cranking up the thermostat and trying to put a hat on her indoors. I wish (as with other issues) she’d just had a quick Google before it became a pride/battle of wills thing.

Thistooshallpsss · 18/04/2022 16:29

I promised my daughter I would cuddle her first before cooing over the baby. In the event she had a terrible time but I remembered and practically climbed over the crib to hug my precious daughter. My lovely grandchild could wait until I had done that.

BertieBotts · 18/04/2022 16:30

That's an area where you could, but be open to her saying "Oh they don't advise that any more" or "That isn't working for me, what should I do?!"

One of the biggest predictors of breastfeeding success is family history, and it's probably because in families with BF experience you get helpful comments/support/experience rather than unhelpful comments like shouldn't he be in a routine/why doesn't she sleep through/is he hungry again?? Positivity around BF is so valuable. I loved it when my mum/aunt/granny shared their positive BF memories with me.