Top Tip on becoming a grandmother

[HideousKinky]

My eldest daughter is having her first baby next month and we are incredibly excited at the prospect of becoming grandparents!

I often read on mumsnet about tensions that arise within a family around the time of a baby's birth eg I understand that it is important to wait to be invited before coming to meet the baby because they may want time to recover & settle in at home before dealing with visitors.

I also appreciate that some things may well be done differently these days and don't want to make any assumptions. So please tell me your Best Piece of Advice so that I can be loving & supportive to my daughter & her husband without being intrusive or doing the wrong thing.

Thank you - all tips greatly appreciated!

One thing my mum does which I found useful was ask what the current guidance was BEFORE mentioning what she was told to do with us so it was a comparison discussion rather than a “you’re doing it wrong” type feeling. The specific example I can think of is weaning, when I was a baby the advice was 3 months so obviously quite different to now!
I can imagine if she’d gone down the “well you were fine” route I’d feel very differently about it!

There’s probably similar things with feeding, safe sleep etc (might be worth a quick brush up on the nhs guidance to see what’s changed in the advice)

DM has also been good about not offering advice unless I’ve asked for it (generally I have a good idea of how I want to do things from my own research and am happy with my choices)

I think the “mum first, grandma second” advice someone else mentioned sums it up perfectly. The issues I had with my in laws can basically all be boiled down to the fact that they don’t act this way and try to force their way of doing things.

I also agree with others who have said that your DD might not want the help you want to give / think she needs. Someone offering to hold the baby was the last thing I wanted! I wanted someone to run the hoover round and fetch me a cuppa. I had no desire to do housework while someone else has all the lovely cuddles then I get passed back a hungry / dirty / cross baby and have to deal with the bad bits without having the nice bits.

If you’re offered a cuddle obviously go for it but don’t assume you’ll get one every time and hand them back as soon as you DD indicates she’d like them back. More than once my in laws were faffing about with a crying baby trying to settle her and not giving her back when I knew a breastfeed would settle her straight away and would stop the noise!

@SamanthaVimes fully agree on this. My DM was actually offended that she couldn’t hold the baby more, but he was tiny, I was struggling to establish breastfeeding and the last thing I needed was the baby to be even more unsettled.

what would have been actually helpful if she had cooked a meal (didn’t make one meal in 7 days), tidied, helped with the washing etc

Grandparent rules:

• zip the lip! - especially if parents are doing something that you would not have done! - even if it seems bonkers!


• do not offer advice unless asked


• always try and boost the parent's confidence in what they have chosen to do


• offer help - but on their terms ..."Would it help if? ......please say not if it does not suit"


• recognise that there will be times when you are not wanted


• do not bring sweets

I have 7 GC and have not fallen out with their parents yet, so I must have got something right - or they must be very patient and polite!

Lovely news for you all - I am sure you will get it right and there are happy times ahead.

@Mischance

Those are your personal opinions! My DDIL has complained more than once, that I don’t go often enough. DS was abroad for 5 days for work recently. I helped her out with childcare, taking her shopping, etc three days running - then she said I could go every day if I liked!

She also loves sweet stuff - it’s part of her culture to bring a cake, when they visit other people.

Some nuances from my experiences:

Don't just jump in and clean up or make meals in her house, check what she wants - I hate my mum doing things in my kitchen, it feels invasive (lots of backstory)

Do tell her she is doing well and is a great mum - I found loads of people especially women praised my DH but not one person praised me

Do provide meals that are complete but flexible - e.g a nice quiche and salad which can be eaten hot or cold over a few days. My mum brought over half a meal with a complex set of instructions for the rest. Their hospital gift was pomegranates - which I love but are completely impractical for a breastfeeding mother

Don't do implicit criticism things - like my mum is forever wiping my kids noses and faces and I know she would say "what a princess, my DD won't even let me wipe their noses" but the truth is she does it constantly like 5 X an hour for extremely tiny marks and it's actually quite upsetting for my kids as well as very critical for me

@TheSummerPalace

Definitely don't offer advice. It can be a very sensitive subject. My mum breastfed and I personally didn't want to. We're all different.

That may apply to you, who didn’t want to breastfeed; but it doesn’t apply to everyone! My DDIL struggled the first six weeks with bf and wanted advice, because she is not English and all her family live in her home country. Her DM doesn’t want to undertake the journey here on her own. DDIL had nobody else for support with bf and I had bf all three DC.

Yes that's fine. But don't offer until asked.

Don't offer advice until asked I mean. Sent too quickly!

My dd had dgs who is now 2 and a half. Dd is tricky, easily offended, and critical and unlikely to forgive and forget. So with that in mind I'd say my top tip would be to gush over how baby is the most beautiful, funny, clever baby ever born and directly attribute every positive about dgc to their mother. Don't pick up the baby without asking and being given permission, don't offer advice unless asked and agree with the mother even if it isn't what you would suggest. Know that you will get to spend a lot more time with dgc unsupervised when they are a tricky toddler than a contented baby so just bide your time. Following these rules has ensured I haven't upset dd and so she has had no cause to strop and I get to have a close and loving relationship with dgs and dd seems to appreciate that as well