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Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

429 replies

Twobigsapphires · 16/04/2022 17:08

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

OP posts:
Mumofthreeteenagers · 17/04/2022 18:22

@pompei8309, you are spot on. Most people here are not being honest. Or they are perfect in every way. Which i doubt. children have to be guided by parents. You cant hide reality. Life isnt just highs. Disappointment is there in many shapes and forms. I am gobsmacked by what people are writing on here. Truly.

Fe1z4 · 17/04/2022 18:23

Most likely all of us would have been disappointed at some point .whether it's school grade, detention in school, fight among siblings etc .......but then remind yourself that there's even bigger problem other parent are dealing with, like their kids turn up being a drug addict/dealer, alcoholic, murderer,rapist,pedophile etc ...
I think as long as they are trying their best and they are good people ,it doesn't matter how they live their life

user1526491786 · 17/04/2022 18:24

Disgusted that two of my four children do not vote

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Toomuchtrouble4me · 17/04/2022 18:25

Yes. But I’m disappointed in myself for being too soft as well.

user1526491786 · 17/04/2022 18:25

[quote Badchild]@Twobigsapphires I had a series of very mediocre jobs, despite every opportunity to do far better.

But i went back to college in my 20s and went on to have a great career and retired at 57, i think its harder now, because of tuition fees, scaring people off, so i'm dead against these.

But my point is people do change, sometimes quite dramatically :)[/quote]
Please explain how it was possible to retire at 57, I am 61 and don't expect to retire until I am 65

Blossomtoes · 17/04/2022 18:33

Please explain how it was possible to retire at 57

An occupational pension that could be claimed at 55, I guess. There used to be a fair number of them.

BycullahRoad · 17/04/2022 18:38

My father made it quite clear that he was disappointed in me. This after getting to a good school, then to a good university and qualifying in my chosen profession before the age of 25. I started my own business in a field of my choice at 27 and then lived very comfortably for the next 20 years. And yet he was still disappointed that I was wasting my life.

fatchilli123 · 17/04/2022 18:40

I was the biggest disappointment ever

Hmm1234 · 17/04/2022 18:43

This is where you need to let your ego go and never admit that to your children it’s one of the most hurtful things that they’ll live with. 27 yro with a one year old and this is all I hear from my mother who is now the grandparent..

Gilld69 · 17/04/2022 18:43

no. I've not been impressed by some of the choices one of them made when she was younger but never disappointed I think I'd only get that feeling if they'd of turned out to be criminals, but thankfully they didn't

Fandangofran · 17/04/2022 18:44

My mum is disappointed with all of her children. Especially with our choices of partners - thing is her own track record is terrible in that area - her husband is an abusive bully so.....

My DH is not perfect but he's a good man and would do anything for us but she can't see past the fact he still lived with his mum when we met so he's forever a mummy's boy (he'd travelled and worked all over the world and only came home to his mums while he found a house but that matters not)

She never says she's disappointed but it's obvious - always making sly digs about this and that, what I do and don't do and the state of the house. I have 3 kids - one disabled and we work full time so our house can be messy sometimes but it's never dirty. Or she'll say I look tired and ill say yes ds was up all night and get "well you decided to have 3 kids" again the fact the younger two are twins and I couldn't exactly give one back seems to escape her.

She hates my job - is annoyed that I don't use my degree despite the fact I earn great money in a job I love thats WFH and flexible hours round DC school - I genuinely don't think I could make her happy no matter what.

I've made a conscious effort to be exactly the opposite - I constantly tell my kids I love them and how proud they make me.

salsamummy · 17/04/2022 18:44

@LoudParrot

My DS is taking GCSEs next month and I am a bit disappointed with how little revision he's doing, despite lots of gentle encouragement from me and DH. We can't force him to study but I kind of thought he'd be choosing to put a bit more effort in. It's his life though 🤷‍♀️
My son has been revising like mad but I don't think he will do as well as he would like to. I will have to not be too disappointed.
Onlyforcake · 17/04/2022 18:48

You will 'have to' ouch. Your poor child. My parents do the whole faking not being disappointed. It's very transparent.

ldontWanna · 17/04/2022 18:48

My mum actually took it to a new level recently. She told me I still have time to make DD proud of me. Grin

Badchild · 17/04/2022 18:49

Please explain how it was possible to retire at 57, I am 61 and don't expect to retire until I am 65

I was fortunate enough to earn a lot of money which i saved, i never had an occupational pension, well not a final salary one, i also downsized my house.

But thats all missing the point, just because you may feel your child is a waste of space a: it doesn't mean they always will be and b: Maybe they are very happy in a so called rubbishy job? not everyone can or evens wants to be a Rocket scientist!
As the pandemic proved, its the menial jobs that we need the most.

My child works in the NHS, will never earn a fortune or even be considered well paid but does more good for other people than i ve ever done in my entire life (work wise)

Biscuitsneeded · 17/04/2022 18:54

@lightnesspixie I'm so so sorry. There are no words that are suitable. Sending love to you and your family.

mamamamamamamamamamachameleon · 17/04/2022 18:56

@LoudParrot

My DS is taking GCSEs next month and I am a bit disappointed with how little revision he's doing, despite lots of gentle encouragement from me and DH. We can't force him to study but I kind of thought he'd be choosing to put a bit more effort in. It's his life though 🤷‍♀️
With you 100% on this one. DD in the same situation - I know it's only human to want max results for minimal effort, but I just wish she CARED more. And I'm in recruitment, so I've done all the modelling forwards/backwards, university/job choice implications, but I just can't find the right button to press. And their mental health is so vulnerable over the last couple of years that a good, old-fashioned "push" , or stick instead of carrot, is out of the question.
sassyclassyandsmartassy · 17/04/2022 18:56

Makes me laugh all those saying disappointed DC didn’t go to uni… yep, guess my mum was at the time that I didn’t… until I ran my own company employing people that did and didn’t have any debt compared to them.

All of us have done well without a degree in sight so I wouldn’t concern yourself about that!

Poopootatty · 17/04/2022 18:57

My DCs are only small but I feel as a parent I need to learn how to manage potential feelings of disappointment. I am prone to feeling this way. I also feel very uncertain about how to tread the line between wanting my DC to do well academically and socially, but accepting the reality should life not pan out as expected. Support vs pressure, hopes va expectations.

Also, I would hate for my DC to make choices out of fear of our disappointment, but at the same time, I’d struggle with them making deliberate bad choices, especially given all the opportunities and support they will likely have that I never had.

I am also very aware of the strength of my own disappointment in my parents. As I became an adult I struggled hugely with this. My dad had an affair and there were lots of lies and absences. My mum’s mental health made me an anxious child. We were poor and unhappy and I feel that they could have made so many different choices to make things better but they didn’t. Both of them lead such small insular lives. They are not bothered enough abut their grandkids and won’t ever do things out of the comfort zone. It’s taken me years to accept that this is the family I have.

JDEE72 · 17/04/2022 18:58

Hello ♥️

Yeah. More than disappointed.
To the point where I had to cut her off.

I haven’t seen her for four years. She will be 28 soon.

I’ll try to be brief:

While pregnant with her first child, she, her drug seller boyfriend, and a friend of theirs distracted my seriously ill, blind, deaf and elderly mum in her own home, and burgled her.

They took almost all of her jewellery, and £600 in cash.

My daughter kept my mum busy, while her boyfriend let their friend in to help steal the items.

We got some of it back, but not my grandmother’s and aunts wedding rings.

We had back seven items of about 50 items taken.

My daughter and the boyfriend (and their friend) then immediately sold the items in a pawnshop, and fled to a different city.

My mum called me saying something about their visit unsettled her, so I told her to go and check her belongings.

When I heard her say “it’s gone, my jewellery and money, it’s gone!”

I can’t put into words the explosive anger I felt.

I’d warned my mum not to let them in the house unless her bedroom door was locked, because I didn’t trust the boyfriend. She kept saying “but he’s been so nice” whenever I said he’s no good, and I had a very strong gut feeling he was not to be trusted.

The police went to see her, they comforted her until my sister could get there. (I couldn’t get there due to disability)

Shortly after that, my mum collapsed, and nearly died.

She was taken into hospital where she was treated for stroke and heart attack symptoms, though they were eventually ruled out.

Unfortunately, she ended up staying in hospital for 11 months.

The trauma of the burglary caused her illnesses to get much worse.

Her digestive system completely shut down, her heart kept slowing down and stopping for several seconds at a time, to the point they gave her a pacemaker.

She had several operations to remove various organs and bits of bowel, one of which she bled out on the table and almost died.

Then she bled out on the ward and almost died.

They put her on TPN (line feed) and was told she can never eat food again. Only have sips of water.

She ended up in a convalescence unit for three months to regain some strength.

That cost her a lot of money.

She returned home, and was doing ok for a while, but then had another turn and almost died. Her heart and organs were failing and developed septicaemia.

Mum eventually passed away very peacefully in October last year.

Due to lockdown over the period she was in hospital, I couldn’t see her often.

And in the two years of lockdown, I only got to see her about 10 times.

It feels like she died years ago.

I got there about 10 minutes too late to hold her hand as she passed, but my sister and her daughter were there, with the priest.

As for my daughter…

She pled not guilty to everything. She denied it was her on CCTV selling the items, and denied it was her on the neighbour’s cctv going in and out of the house.

Ultimately, with hard evidence stacked against her, and my mum’s victim impact statement, she and her boyfriend were found guilty and sentenced to one year imprisonment, suspended for a year.

They were told to pay my mum just £500 in compensation.
She never saw a penny of it.

Daughter has since had two more kids.

The police told me she’d given birth to the first one.

About six weeks after the burglary, half my hair fell out.

For those that say life is too short, and reach out…

No.

Life is too short to allow such evil toxicity, family or not.

The doctors said the trauma shortened her life by a few years.

I will never forgive her.

BoredZelda · 17/04/2022 18:58

I might be disappointed that life doesn’t go the way my daughter wants it to go, but I can’t imagine being disappointed in her as an adult. I’m raising her to make her own choices and whichever of those are the ones she wants to make are fine by me.

madroid · 17/04/2022 19:00

I'm absolutely amazed by my children. They had a tough childhood and I made some major parenting errors.

Ye they are the lovliest people I know. I'd swell with prode if I thought it was anything to with me!

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 17/04/2022 19:02

Yeah - not just the obvious law breaking stuff either. I would keep my feelings to myself but, for example, when I see my v academically bright DS do sod all work at school of course I am disappointed.

NecklessMumster · 17/04/2022 19:08

I might be fooling myself but I don't think I'd ever be disappointed in my kids, it's unconditional love and you love the kids you have not the ones you thought you wanted. Yes I wish some things were different but that's me, it's their life

chaosmaker · 17/04/2022 19:09

@MurmuratingStarling

Not at all, I am fiercely proud of my DC! And what a horrible thing to say or think! Hmm That you are disappointed in them. Bloody hell! Hmm
Honesty is not horrible and is lacking in our society.