What small things did your parents get wrong when you were a child?

[Forevergold2838]

My mum and dad were/are wonderful but I remember a lot of stress about meal times. We had to clear our plates even if we didn't like it. I was allergic to eggs but it was dismissed as fussy eating even though I would vomit every time I ate them. They also never took a drink for me anywhere. I remember being thirsty on car rides and they'd offer me a sip from their flask of coffee or if they did bring me a drink it would be a small carton of 5 alive that would be gone in 2 seconds. I didn't drink a glass of plain water until I was in my late teens, we'd always have vimto.

@LubaLuca You have just reminded me! I didn’t eat butter (in a sandwich) until I left home. We had dry sandwiches and had to ask for no butter if we were out. My mum is terrified of butter! It might make us fat.

Not preparing me for puberty. I had no clue. I was 10 in the summer and started periods in the September. No idea what was happening to me. Very traumatic.

My parents had a lot to say about the way I dressed even when I was a teenager buying my own clothes. I went through a phase of wearing dms with tights and shorts and was told I looked like a "dyke". My parents bought me a frilly dress and made me wear it to a family event. I was about 15. I remember feeling humiliated and I have conciously stood back from commenting on my childrens style choices! My Dad also made my sister and I constantly make him cups of tea and his lunch. It felt like he had us to gain his own slaves!

My parents were very young when I was born and very poor. They were determined to 'improve' so bought a wreck of a house to get on the housing ladder. For all.my childhood all their money went on buying the next, better house so, from memory, we hardly ever went on holiday or had treats. Education was important to them and they were under the mistaken impression that I was bright so unexpected a lot. Unfortunately they kept moving houses and areas with no idea that it had a terrible impact on my schooling. The last move was right at the end of my lower 6th year to a completely different area and I ended up having to drop one A level and do the other 2 with a completely different syllabus. My husband and I were very determined that we'd never do that to our children.
There weren't books or online advice for parents then, if you moved schools no teachers seemed to care that you might not have covered the work they'd done. It was all a bit of a mess.
Having said that, my parents did the best they could and I know they loved us. Reading some of the posts here I know that I was very blessed.

DM managed to miss both autism and a congenital heart defect (which was inherited from her, so shouldn't have come as a surprise). Both were diagnosed as an adult, after a childhood of getting in trouble "not trying" in pe, and spending the first few years of primary school sat under the desk crying.

Both stem from her belief that almost every decision should be made by some external authority. So she didn't need to worry about my development because that was schools job (and they didn't want anything diagnosis, as then they'd have to help). And she wasn't worried about my extremities turning blue as because it had happened as a baby when she took me to be weighed, and the HV hadn't explicitly told her to see a doctor about it.

She was absolutely bemused when I had my own kids, and researched car seats ("mothercare would only sell the safe ones"), or why I needed to think about/decide if my toddler was ready for shoes because "clarks won't sell you them until babies feet are ready"

I have a younger brother. My parents thought it was unfair to let me do things I was old enough to do until he was old enough to do them too.

To be honest my mum got a lot wrong that others have posted that I'd consider big: causing an eating disorder for both my sibling and I; not making sure we were warm enough (heating never on, never layered us up, no hot water bottles); physical and emotional abuse; no hygiene taught.

But if there's one little thing she did wrong it would be the prioritisation of weekends. I always wanted to go to ballet, drama etc but she worked full time (single parent) so I couldn't on weekdays. On weekends she prioritised what she wanted to do and we didn't get to go to clubs then either. I really feel I missed out! I now work in theatre and there is a clear difference between me and those who got to go to these kinds of things growing up.

Forgot that I’m not the same age as my brothers. My brothers are 6 and 7 years older than me so by the time I was 6 they were dealing with puberty. Throughout my childhood, fun childish things like Disney films, arcades etc were never things we did because my brothers had grown out of them by the time I was interested. I don’t think it ever occurred to my parents that I should have been allowed to be a kid a bit more.

Didn’t recognise that I was anxious, depressed or autistic. I coped very badly with their divorce but they had been unhappily married for so long and were so pleased to be finally free and meeting other people that a shell shocked silent/tearful nine year old was a bit of a downer. I think they should have realised that I was really struggling and needed serious help.

In my dads case, cancelled the riding lessons that he had started me on after years and years of my longing to do them, because he couldn’t afford to do them any more. He still went clay pigeon shooting every Sunday though. I would cut my own stuff to the bone before I took my kids out of the classes they adore.

In balance, they were hard workers, not abusive (though my dad was distant), fed us well, put a roof over our heads and encouraged us to aspire.

I’ve made them sound awful.

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

Put all the emphasis on the importance of education, and forgot about building confidence. We were encouraged to be quiet, pretty and sweet. Any confident friends were labelled "cheeky little madam" etc, and I'm still trying to shake off the impact of that now in my late 30s. My mum (dad wasn't at home) also didn't put her foot down enough about my sister's bullying of me. She thought "it's just what siblings do", but she shouldn't have tolerated it like she did.

Absolutely the same here. Had to be almost seen and not heard. Any confident kids were "bolshy" or overbearing.

@helpfulperson

This obsession with water and being hydrated is really very recent. I still don't drink water, only tea and coffee. I'll drink water if out hiking but that's the only time.

Yes, the obsession with having to drink constantly - more your weirdness than your parents’ surely!

My own dc are 24 and 27. I wonder what their take on their upbringing is (so far.)

I don't remember many hugs from my mum when I was a child. I remember her being irritated and a bit cross mostly. Looking back I can see why. 3 kids and a husband trying to keep it together and do his best but liked the drink, gambling and women a bit too much.

My parents weren't perfect. They inherited flaws from their parents and so on and so on. Every generation tries to do better I think. We don't always succeed though. Recently found out about the fact we all mostly likely have adhd and asd. Explains a lot.

My parents would go out separately, dad to pub, mum with her boyfriend and leave me in house alone at night when I was 5. Mum would make me sit at the table until I finished my food but after about 3 hours dad would give in and let me down from the table. Meals became extremely stressful and I became malnourished until I lived with GM (see below).

Mum walked out when I was 6 so dad and I moved in with my grandmother. Dad left the parenting to her and then left when I was 12. GM was amazing and I owe her a lot but a couple of things rankled when I was young; always had to have short hair until I was about 15 and wasn’t allowed to go to parties until I was well over 17.

Oh I've found my people!
Shouting and violence in the home was a daily occurrence, never healthy food as it was "expensive" no praise or encouragement whatsoever, always that saddo kid that family wouldn't pay / couldn't afford any school trips so had to stay at school , never did anything on the weekends ie go to legoland etc
Yet there was always wine and fags around....

My mum used to say to me "lime suck in your stomach muscles " I was eight . Eight.

Have horrible relationship with food and struggled with eating disorders my whole adult life .

My house now is a no shouting zone , healthy food is always available I constantly tell my son how much I love him and take him for days out almost every weekend ! Never any violence and we talk through our problems.

@Sickofnosleep

I have similar memories of lack of drinks and never being offered plain water, it’s strange isn’t it?

Yeah how weird is that?! What I'd give to get my child to drink more water... Constantly pestering DD to drink more water! She isn't a big squash drinker and my husband and I drink lots of water but she'll just take the tiniest sips.

So weird about the drinks thing. We had that too. Never took drinks on days out. Always squash or juice. I used to have recurring dreams as a kid of drinking pints and pints of water and never quenching my thirst.

I always had to pick clothes from M&S and consequently felt very unfashionable (sorry M&S). I also had an awful haircut and DM wouldn’t let me go the Drs about my bad skin - even though I was bullied about it. My self confidence is still low now and I struggle to go clothes shopping.
We never ate out at a fast food place - I was 18 before I experienced such a thing.
Never really encouraged career wise either and yet my sisters were the opposite on everything!

Definitely the water thing. Dm is still bemused by how much water I drink, she regularly comments that there must be something wrong with me.

Mine never taught me basic table manners, to say please and thank you or eat with my mouth shut. I found it very embarrassing in my late teens/early 20s when I realised these things

Does anyone still feel quite bitter about how they were treated? I do. It comes in flashes. My Mum will not admit to anything at all other than her being a perfect Mum. I think that actually rankles the most. She once accused me of having false memory syndrome. I am an only child and I had a distant slightly clueless father who was a bit downtrodden by my overbearing, over-critical Mum. So no-one to actually confirm how I was treated. I remember things but they were always denied when I confronted her as an adult.

I think she was unhappy and I was an unwanted child. I'd forgive her a lot... if only she once admitted that anything she did was wrong in some way...

..... sorry meant to add, downtrodden father died a long time ago

Parents had zero interest in popular culture. Didn't know a single celebrity, even people from their own generation. Didn't know the names of popular TV programmes or famous people past or present. Sounds petty but I was so embarrassed by their ignorance in front of friends. They viewed all tv and pop music with suspicion and they never bothered to find out whether things were suitable for my age group. As a result I missed out on lots of things.

Even now I feel like life is harder for them as they have less small talk! I do respect them a bit more for never pretending to be something they weren't. I asked my mum what she talks to her hairdresser about and she said, 'I've found someone who doesn't insist on filing the silence .'

My Dad ruining every party, or dinner party, by getting drunk and threatening to hurt my Mum in front of guests, who bizarrely never intervened or called him out on his behaviour. I remember one dinner party, where my parents had invited 3 other couples over, and my Dad threatened to throw my Mum through the glass window, if she didn't do x/y/z. Cue silence from everyone there and me cringing with embarrassment. Sadly this was almost every weekend, for many years. I brought it up a few years back. Both parents deny it ever happened. Thankfully, my sibling has the exact same memories, otherwise I'd feel as though I was losing my marbles.

They always made Christmas amazing though - piles and piles of presents.

Only one year, when I was about 12 and sibling 7, they fell out in the run up to Christmas and announced they would not be buying for each other. Cue me and sibling emptying our money boxes, and hunting around town for anything we could buy for them, with the few quid we had. I seem to remember buying my Dad a cheap tie from C & A, and some Linco Beer shampoo. Strange times.

@helpfulperson

This obsession with water and being hydrated is really very recent. I still don't drink water, only tea and coffee. I'll drink water if out hiking but that's the only time.

Perhaps in the UK.

I'm an 80s child (grew up in the continent) and pretty much every single country around us made a point of making sure children drank water.

Squash and juice were largely considered a "treat" and seen as "sweets" or pudding.

I'm finding these childhood stories fascinating!

We never had fizzy pop in the house (too expensive, had to have the stuff you dilute).
Failed to realise I was autistic - threatened to take me to a psychiatrist when I was crying because I didn't want to go to the new secondary school as I wasn't coping with it.
Never had days or trips out. It was a revelation that other people did.
No help with homework except once with maths when my Dad explained trigonometry to me.