What small things did your parents get wrong when you were a child?

[Forevergold2838]

My mum and dad were/are wonderful but I remember a lot of stress about meal times. We had to clear our plates even if we didn't like it. I was allergic to eggs but it was dismissed as fussy eating even though I would vomit every time I ate them. They also never took a drink for me anywhere. I remember being thirsty on car rides and they'd offer me a sip from their flask of coffee or if they did bring me a drink it would be a small carton of 5 alive that would be gone in 2 seconds. I didn't drink a glass of plain water until I was in my late teens, we'd always have vimto.

@Wutipg

My mother constantly telling me she was 7 stone all the way through school and making me feel that was the weight to aspire to, even though I was 5ft6 so it wasn’t possible without being underweight.

My mum also does this. She’s a comfortable 10/12 uk size. But she will squeeze herself into size 6/8 clothes because she’s obsessed with being “skinny” I’m a 14 and not bothered in the slightest but every time I visit she takes joy from suggesting we weigh ourselves. Erm no thanks 😂

Making us too frightened of their violence to be able to swallow at mealtimes, then half suffocating us by ramming food down our throats with a fork while holding our noses shut.
Dragging us round by our hair while beating us with a horsewhip.
Continually criticising everything we did until we had no self esteem.
Never once expressing any love or affection.
We both left home as soon as possible. I used them as a negative role model - how not to be a parent- to my own children.

Took their roles in making sure I accepted responsibility for things very, very seriously.

I love them, but they have never been able to just say to me "I'm sorry that happened to you, that must have felt bad/made you sad." It's always been "Well, what did YOU do to cause that to happen?" They do it to me even now and I'm almost 30 and I still find it upsetting and frustrating that they always seem to be looking for a fault in me, to the point where the mental gymnastics they undertake to lay blame at my door are sometimes amazing to behold. I don't think that's how they perceive it, but it's absolutely how it comes across and if I phone them for support I invariably come off the phone feeling more upset than I did before.

As a result, I am an inveterate people pleaser, say sorry to the point where it drives people to distraction and am often anxious/lacking in confidence. I have also definitely learned the fault finding behaviour from them and it was only when, a few years after our marriage, DH vocalised how shit it made him feel that I recognised those feelings in myself. I try SO hard not to do it to DS (or DH any more!), I am absolutely determined that he will never feel like he can't come to me with an issue for fear that I'll twist it back on him.

LittlemissMama67

I have a DD with lovely ginger hair. My own mother now regrets bleaching her hair for years, it's like straw 😂

I should add, I think they genuinely do it from a place of love and thinking they're being helpful. Which makes me all the more determined not to fall into that trap.

A lot of these are of their time parenting, people just didn't know better, we wouldn't dream of doing it to our children because we are more educated now.

Mine was how mu mum used to cook things she knew we didn't like, 5 of us children sat and forced to eat liver and onions. we weren't allowed to leave the table until it was gone but we, all 5 of us hated it. Why would you carry on making it! I guess it was cheap but so was heart and we all ate that happily.

@Peppapig7262662

LittlemissMama67

I have a DD with lovely ginger hair. My own mother now regrets bleaching her hair for years, it's like straw 😂

Oh my mums hair is terrible, I used to dye my hair black as a teen on her request, at 23 as a birthday present to myself I had it striped and dyed ginger. Her face was a picture I’m 28 now and haven’t dyed it in 5 years. Funnily enough it’s way down my back now and super healthy. When I dyed it wouldn’t grow past my shoulders

My mum genuinely called me down for dinner one day and I had one sausage and one chicken goujon on my plate, I’m not saying this to throw shade I’m sure either she had no money at the time or whatever but I was like 15 at the time so I knew that wasn’t an acceptable meal to feed your kids haha

They got me an etch a sketch and not a manga doodle for Christmas when I was 9 or 10. Never forgotten! Oh and we drank milk or tea. Never ate out, had to be silent during the news. Mum used to get boxes of broken biscuits from the market and the nice biscuits were always last to go. Sugar butties were a treat… never had jam in the house

My parents were good bar my dad being too strict, I used to get smacked for the slightest thing, like not taking my cup into the kitchen 😂
I hated the reverse psychology thing they used to do about me learning too. I was a bright kid but grew up thinking I was thick.
My mother was a model & all my friends moms seemed to not like her so I was excluded from things a result, now I realise it was plain jealousy.
But at the time I didn't. I was always dressed beautifully with decent shoes, (i did some child modelling too) but I'd have given anything to have crappy plastic shoes like my mates.

The drinks thing definitely wasn't a big deal like it is now though. We weren't allowed drinks in class at all. I was gobsmacked when I found out that kids all have water bottles in class! We had a little bottle of milk in primary school & that was it until lunch where it was a jug of water on the table & small glasses.
At home I drank tea or milk

I think mine showed love in the wrong way. They always worked so we had nice holidays away, built their own house, for christmas i wouldnt ask for anything and got a new laptop nearly every year of expensive gifts.
Its now later in life me and my siblings have mental health issues. I still dont believe ik how to feel love. My mother is now an alcoholic. 0ur parents never told us they loved us. We never had family meal times or activities together its almost as if they tried to buy love and affection.

Mine never complimented me on anything, ever.

It's funny how you go the other way with your own DC. I tell mine all the time how brave/funny/lovely/clever they are etc etc. I want them to grow up feeling confident in their own skin and able to graciously accept a compliment!!

@Wutipg a very good point. It’s all about “getting it down them” but we are none of us fussy eaters so they could actually make the content a bit better! I can definitely see their own disordered eating pushes them to feed children both excessively and crappily. I think it would be fine if they didn’t then make endless comments/criticism about weight.

I feel I should add that despite my comments here, they were great parents and really excellent grandparents in other ways. Despite being really quite large compared to other children my age, I was always very confident child and never felt unable to put myself forward or defend myself or seek help when needed.

My dad had a lot of good points, he was very generous and he did his best as a parent, but damage from his own childhood made him inconsistent. So I could do something one day and it was fine, another day I'd be in trouble for it. One that sticks in my mind is hanging out with other teens aged around 14 and him turning up in his car and yelling at me in front of my friends that I shouldn't be out at that time. It wasn't late, it wasn't dark, and I hadn't been told I needed to be home by any particular time (usual rule was 'when streetlights come on', which they hadn't). He was just in a mood so he came looking for me and bawled me out. I was mortified!

My DM did/does that too. As well as offering excuses as to why it happened "well maybe they're having a bad day/got bad news this morning/partner left them".

Yes, I can understand that but I just wanted her to be on my side and tell me the other person was a dick!

We never had drinks with dinner either and never took water bottles on days out. My parents still drink hardly any liquids other than tea though (and the occasional alcoholic drink, but that doesn't count!).

I do think I was given tea as a drink when I was very young. I've got a really visceral memory of drinking tea through the spout of a plastic weaning cup, so I was probably around 2 years old.

That was for @toastfiend !

My mum used to go to the pub every night leaving me from aged 8. I had to ask her to get me a baby sitter eventually and that didn't last long before she refused to pay £5 a night for a babysitter when I was fine on my own. Even Christmas eve she went I remember begging her to stay.

Emotional stuff: I can only ever remember my parents saying things like “I love you” in a really silly, mocking voice which made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed ever expressing any type of emotion to them or any friends, partners etc throughout life.

When I was badly bullied at primary school, dad found me crying so hard I was on the verge of being sick one night, so scared to go back to school the next day. My mum was out that night so it was just me and him. He asked if I was still getting good marks in school and that that’s all that counts so I needed to ignore everything else and just focus on being “top of the class”. Also told me not to bother my mum with my silliness.

Mum told me my whole life that I was fat. It didn’t matter how little she fed me or how many diets she put me on, I was always fat. As a result I came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter what I ate as I’d be fat anyway so I might as well enjoy myself. My weight ballooned in my 20s and I yo-yo massively now. I have a bad relationship with food. I also look back at photos of myself as a teenager and cannot believe the stunning figure I had. Not an ounce of fat on me.

I had the most awful periods – totally irregular, no point in even trying to track my cycle, often lasting up to two weeks and extremely painful. I would regularly pass out or vomit with the pain. No otc painkillers would touch it. Mum refused to take me to a doctor and whenever I suggested going she told me that I was some kind of little slut who wanted to talk to doctors about disgusting things and that I was just doing it to get the pill so I could sleep with lots of boys.

My mum had a mental breakdown and was sectioned. My dad told me it was my fault as I was so difficult and caused her too much stress. When she came home, he forbade me from going anywhere near her in case I caused her to relapse. I hid out in my bedroom, making my own meals when the kitchen was clear, for months. Nobody talked to me about it or tried to find out how I was feeling.

@Babdoc hope your life is much improved and I’m sure your kids are a thousand times happier.

My mother's idea of caring for my perfect ringlet curls was to drag a brush through them dry. It was so painful I cried each time and the frizz it created looked huge and awful.

I grew up in hot countries and nobody stressed about having water to drink every five minutes. You had a drink when you got to where you were going. Same with eating, you waited until you got in. My AC moan when I'm giving them a lift somewhere and the first thing they ask is 'got any water mum?'
My parents liked to party and they liked to be entertained by performing children. It was excruciating, but my sisters loved it.

Not being allowed in school discos at primary school, it was a small thing but quite irritating as a child when all our friends were going.

helpfulperson i understand that there is a lot of unnecessary on being hydrated these days but as I child I remember being thirsty an awful lot. I remember dreaming about drinking cool fresh water and waking in the middle of a night desperate for a drink and guzzling it straight from the tap. Maybe all the thirsty 80's kids are now parents and that's where the obsession has come from.

My mum let me eat donuts and chocolate muffins for breakfast every day. There is a strong family history of type two diabetes that had killed several of her immediate relatives, she now has it, and she set me up with disordered eating from the off. I didn't exercise at all either. I was an overweight child and have struggled ever since. A minor thing then that has impacted well into adulthood.
I was never offered water to drink either. It was always diet caffeine free Coca-Cola or squash. My mum is still addicted to the Coca-Cola now. Funnily enough I don't drink a lot of fizzy drinks now, mostly water.