What small things did your parents get wrong when you were a child?

[Forevergold2838]

My mum and dad were/are wonderful but I remember a lot of stress about meal times. We had to clear our plates even if we didn't like it. I was allergic to eggs but it was dismissed as fussy eating even though I would vomit every time I ate them. They also never took a drink for me anywhere. I remember being thirsty on car rides and they'd offer me a sip from their flask of coffee or if they did bring me a drink it would be a small carton of 5 alive that would be gone in 2 seconds. I didn't drink a glass of plain water until I was in my late teens, we'd always have vimto.

My parents were lovely people and didn't have a lot, my dm was working two jobs my dad was a sahd. My dm never made me presentable second hand clothes, two pairs of shoes, hair not styled and ratty. They ended up getting it cut into a bob, which I hated. I wanted more than anything to look nice, have nice hair. Birthdays were a tenner in a card, sometimes no cake, one party at the house no discos like the other kids. We never went on big days out, holidays were the cheap sun breaks. My older dbro ended up on heroin,a lot of focus went on him, I was a quiet child, on one occasion he gave me a black eye, my dm never gave up on him but it did affect my childhood, especially him punching walls, being aggressive, this was the 90s/00s

It may sound materialistic but I was an easy target for bullies,as soon as I had a job at 15 I started buying my own clothes, it was amazing feeling to have a choice, especiallyas parts of my life I couldn't control.

Having my own dc in particular a dd I ensure her hair is styled nice, a variety of new clothes that fit, I still shop the sales but clothes are fresh and fit,same with shoes. We try to give lots of attention for birthdays,cake, tea parties, thoughtful presents.

Oh another few things:

Holidays and days out were all geared to their interests, never ever did we do something child friendly or interesting/fun for children.

We never ever ate food other than that made at home. No cafes, restaurants, no pack of crisps. No eating or drinking away from the dining table. No drinks away from the table is bonkers!

My parents didn't seem to enjoy having children. It was only when friends of mine started having children and complimenting them (as in "he's such a smiley baby/she's great fun/he'd put you in a good mood" ) that I realized people actually enjoy their children and feel positively towards them.
Now as an adult my DM wants company all the time and my siblings feel obligated but I think "well you didn't enjoy my company for the first 20 years (or longer) of my life so......"

Omg same here for the drinks, the page boy haircut and the naff clothes (being made to try stuff on in the main store of Primark instead of the changing rooms!)

The clothes thing for me too.

I went to my sisters graduation when I was 20. I was at uni and didn’t have any money to get any clothes or a hair cut. I did my best but I remember my uncle laughing at me and saying you might have dressed up. I was so embarrassed.

My mum had a whole new outfit. She could have easily afforded to help me

I wasn't allowed jeans as they were "workmans clothes" .
We were not allowed to watch top of the pops it listen to pop music.
Grange Hill was also banned.
And only allowed school shoes, PE shoes and wellies. No shoes for out if school...wore school shoes all the time.
I had to have short hair because I wasn't pretty enough for long hair, unlike my sister who had beautiful long hair.

Absolutely loads of stuff.

Smacked us, I really hated them for this the most. There was no good reason for it and not something I've ever felt the need to do. I know that they regret it now my dad always had to be the authoritarian and for everyone to be afraid of him.

We never had any money and never had holidays or days out.

Only gave us fizzy pop to drink, never water. We are as much sweets sugary treats as we wanted.

Hardly had any nice toys or clothes, everything was hand me downs.

Oddly though, despite my dad being a bit of a bully, in many ways we'd be allowed too much say. I could watch what I wanted on tv even if it was quite adult themed. We were never forced to eat things we didn't like. I was allowed to make quite important decisions that could affect my health like not letting the dentist look at my teeth, not wearing my glasses.

One thing I do say though is that I've turned out ok, I'm a good person. Dh had quite a middle class privileged upbringing, but some of the things his parents did shock me. For example going on holiday and leaving the dc in a caravan or apartment while the adults went out drinking.

My conclusion is that all parents make mistakes. A lot of it is if its time/generation.

I was chatting with my eldest yesterday and he was telling my about things that happened at his primary school and how terrible it was. Also recalling an activity he did with cubs and he was bordering on why did I make him go. I reminded him that he loved going and always wanted to go.

But I wonder what our children will be shocked at that we do or how they will remember things.

Oh yes Grange Hill and EastEnders were not allowed - my mum watched Corrie religiously though and we couldn't disturb her when it was on.
My mum hates long hair - girls with long hair have straggly rats tails apparently - as a result of persistent home-cut short hair as a child, I now struggle to make myself go to the hairdresser, and have long unstyled hair even though I'd quite like it short now. Also she couldn't understand why children might want to choose their own clothes or follow fashion. I was a passive child and never protested but I'd have liked a bit of choice or autonomy and develop a sense of what looks good.
My DP were good parents and wanted the best for us, even if they were sometimes misguided.

@Chedderbites2 I could have written your post. My parents worked all the time and made up for it by buying ridiculous amounts at Christmas and birthdays, I remember asking for a computer one year to do my gcse work on and they bought me a sega master system as it was brand new out and they thought I could play games on it. I also asked for a sony disc man one year so I could take it on holiday and they got me a huge hifi system.
Lots of lovely holidays and lots and lots of stuff but never had a family meal together only at Christmas and never felt loved only in their way!

We were pushed hard academically, which I don't think was and thing, but I remember on several occasions I would come home and say "I got 85%" about a test and the first question, ahead of any praise was "what did everyone else get?". When I would say "but 85% is an A my Dad would say "well it doesn't matter what score or grade you get if you're still bottom of the class". I get where he was coming from, but it really ingrained on me a feeling of inadequacy and that unless you're going to be the best there's no point even trying. It's had a huge knock on to my confidence and I really struggle applying for jobs and putting myself forward for things as an adult. I love my dad fiercely and I know he was only doing what he thought was best to push me at school, but I really really hate those conversations looking back.

The drinks thing is v familiar. When I had a packed lunch for a day out Mum would include one of those miniature cans of lemonade or ginger beer. And that was it for drinks for an entire day away somewhere! DD takes a water bottle with her and expects to refill it!
I do think it was because they were watching spending and there were fewer places to get food and drink. Takeaway coffees etc just didn't seem to exist and my parents thought eating and drinking out in the street was uncouth .

The awful clothes thing being embarrassing at school is also familiar. My Mum seemed to have no idea other children/teenagers chose their own clothes. She'd buy me awful skirts to wear with an underskirt (as also worn by her and my Gran!), and you had to have an outfit for best to wear to church. She was horrified when we started letting very small DD choose her own outfits (at that stage it was we buy contents of wardrobe, she chooses what to wear).

Children must be seen and not heard.

Everything was so child unfriendly - we had occasional days out to something like an NT property but also spent a lot of time in elderly relatives living rooms in silence and not allowed to play whilst they droned on.

Not getting above yourself. Not being a 'little madam' which seemed to mean assertive and confident!

Oh and not being allowed to watch ITV because there was advertising!

@lameasahorse I get that the pageboy haircut was fashionable but why give a 6 year old the same hair do as a grown woman!

My parents are lovely but their generation struggled to give positive feedback and compliments (my mum in particular) . After the parent teacher meetings it was always the negative comments, you had to drag anything positive out of them. They try really hard with their grandkids but my mum doesn’t know what to say and it sometimes upsets her.

They had 5 kids, so if you said you wanted to give something up, they said fine straight away, there was no encouraging you to stay doing it, no grit building - probably easier for them. Apart from piano, which they made me to so grade 8 even though I hated it.

Comparisons with my brothers and sisters which always left me feeling in their shadows despite the fact I'm nothing like them which makes it an unequal comparison. Being motivated by money and status despite being hugely unhappy. I am motivated by happiness and am still seen as odd for not working 80+ hour weeks for a high salary but instead having a decent work life balance. Yes money is tight but I'd rather live frugally but happy than lavishly but miserably.

Mine always argued before going away on holiday. The house needed to be scrubbed, everything at the fridge unplugged. Just a lot of stress.

When me and my now DH went away for the first time I was shocked we didn't argue beforehand

I can imagine my kids complaining that we:

Were helicopter parents

Stalked them with Find Friends apps

Forced them to eat 5 a day

Allowed them too much screen time

Didn’t allow them to roam freely

Parent are never considered to be 100% right (as we basically don’t know what the fuck we’re doing). Same as every past generation, and the same as future generations.

My DM made me wear wellies to school every time there was more than a flake of snow. I was in high school, maybe year 9 or 10. I used to take them off half way there, put them in a PE bag and pretend to friends I'd brought my kit in the wrong day/hide the bag under my coat etc.
God, the trauma those snowy days caused. I can't quite believe she did that.

I cringe looking back at old school photos. Even DH once pointed out how greasy my hair looked in them tatty uniform either too big or too small. What I don’t understand is that we had plenty of money, but mum seemed to begrudge even spending a couple of quid on something new for us that we actually needed, eg school tights. My daughter’s clothes come mainly from Morrison’s, Sainsburys etc, but they’re always in good condition and the right size. Her hair is always clean, brushed and tied up nicely.

My mum made a big deal if there was any sex on screen. She either asked us if we knew what they were doing, or tutted loudly and said she hoped we would never do that.

It was always embarrassing and I hated watching anything with her. Looking back she totally ruined any family movie night.

I am amazed when my teenage niece can just sit with adults and watch mild sex scenes - I get uncomfortable waiting for someone to embarrass her - but of course they don’t. Why would an adult do that???

@cptartapp

My DM made me wear wellies to school every time there was more than a flake of snow. I was in high school, maybe year 9 or 10. I used to take them off half way there, put them in a PE bag and pretend to friends I'd brought my kit in the wrong day/hide the bag under my coat etc. God, the trauma those snowy days caused. I can't quite believe she did that.

My mum did this too and at the first sign of rain I was made to wear a button up plastic raincoat over a winter coat but it was too small and I could hardly move.