What small things did your parents get wrong when you were a child?

[Forevergold2838]

My mum and dad were/are wonderful but I remember a lot of stress about meal times. We had to clear our plates even if we didn't like it. I was allergic to eggs but it was dismissed as fussy eating even though I would vomit every time I ate them. They also never took a drink for me anywhere. I remember being thirsty on car rides and they'd offer me a sip from their flask of coffee or if they did bring me a drink it would be a small carton of 5 alive that would be gone in 2 seconds. I didn't drink a glass of plain water until I was in my late teens, we'd always have vimto.

I told my mum I'd started my period aged 11, she gave me a box of tampons and told me to look on the back of the packet for instructions. Similar to @littlebluetrain nothing emotional was ever discussed, if I tried I was told 'it'll be fine'

Looking back I'm not sure if my parents gave me lots of autonomy, or they didn't really care. I remember walking to primary school on my own, I'd ride my bike miles to see friends, from the age of about 11 I was never in the house, my mum only seemed concerned about things people saw, such as clean clothes, good shoes etc. behind closed doors I'm not sure she gave a shit tbh

Was always irrationally annoyed my mum refused to learn to drive do we had to walk or take buses everywhere. My mum is one of those people who can eat crap and stay ridiculously skinny so cakes, chocolate etc were never seen just as a treat. I, alas, did not inherit her metabolism or her tiny frame! Wish I didn't love cake so much. Finally I wish my mum had been more able to give advice on academic matters. She had left school at 14 and so knew nothing about university or exams.

On these types of threads there is always the recurring theme of no drinks! Honestly can't get my head around how so many children didn't end up with illnesses as a result.

It must be a generational thing though as I remember as a teen drinking bottles of water to stay hydrated and keep my skin nice (I'm 29 now) and my parents always commenting that I was addicted and why does everyone drink so much nowadays 😂

They didn't do much wrong tbf to them, they're great. The only thing perhaps is too much freedom as a teen (I was very trusted due to good grades and behaviour in school but secretly was up to all sorts of mischief). Then again, I'm loathe to say too much freedom as it makes it seem that they can't do right for doing wrong!

Another thing is a small one but my mum used to hate phone calls and would panic if the phone rang (usually bad news or work trying to get her to do more shifts). So as a teen/adult I was always anxious about phone calls. Broke this during lockdown though when everything went virtual!

They moved house twice between my 11th and 15th birthday.

Oh hell we had this too. My DM would finish decorating a new house & then wanted to move & so did every time. I lost track of how many houses we had as kids. They even packed up & moved me in my GCSEcyears as DB didn't get into the grammar school & it was a 2 school only are & no comprehensive for him. I was doing my art a level alongside my O level at 14 in my first Grammar school & doing really well, but nope. It's didn't matter as I didn't have a dick. I ended up in a pretty poor comprehensive school in a town hundreds of miles away, as it suited DB better... he still failed because he was a disruptive little shit 🙄

I envied my cousins secure never changing family homes. I've never moved house with DD as a result. In fact I've barely moved houses since leaving home it affected me that much

So many things. I remember weighing myself on those machines outside Boots with friends, why? I don't know But going on a diet after seeing that I was 9st and my friends were around 7/8st. I lost a few pounds and gleefully told my mum that I had. She was shocked and said she'd always been around 8st. Even after giving birth. This caused lots weight issues with me. I was13.

@DinosaursEatMan

Always being late for primary school and having to go into assembly or lessons when they had started with everyone turning to stare at me, and I was a painfully shy child. As soon as I was old enough to get there alone I was always on time. I have no idea why dm wasn’t pulled up on this. I still hate being the centre of attention now.

This one reminded me of a good one from my childhood

My parents quite often had a row in the morning before school / work, causing me to be late. So as not to look bad they would say "just say the car wouldn't start", which it frequently wouldn't so was sometimes the genuine reason. (70's / early 80's)

One day I was late and said "oh sorry miss the car wouldn't start". Later that day my mum took it upon herself to actually phone school and apologise for my lateness giving the real reason - whatever it was that day. Of course my teacher said "oh, but Mrs Fox, Kim said the car wouldn't start". When DM picked me up I got an absolute roasting for lying, including the lines "I have never taught you to lie, I have brought you up to be honest". The absolute injustice burned within me & frankly still does.

So much of this thread resonates, feeling the solidarity - it's quite comforting to know I'm not alone with these memories.

@LondonQueen

We drank bottles of full fat coke for years rather than water, how my teeth didn't fall out/rot I don't know!

My primary school teacher got someone's milk tooth that had fallen out, tied a string round it and submerged it in a glass of Coke on top of the piano so we could all see what fizzy drinks did to your teeth - we were ruled by fear at all times!

Love my mum dearly but quite a few things spring to mind! Smoking in the house/car, buying me a sweet for school pick up time every single day so that it became the standard ( think she did this to justify smoking and buying a whole pack of cigarettes every day), not prioritising money appropriately and so we lived without a working boiler for about 4 years and used to have to fill the bath using the kettle (this was about 2005 so not really acceptable to have a 10 year old with no hot water or central heating for years!), cooking me a separate meal at dinner time which made me a fairly fussy eater at the time. Also taking me to the pub allllll afternoon on a Sunday most weeks, I remember feeling so deflated every time I had to go there but it was generally the done thing around here.

Luckily as an adult I have a much healthier diet, don’t drink or smoke and am a lot better with money than DM. Unfortunately for her old habits die hard and as a result she will often ask for help with money etc

I am an 80’s child & I think there was a real fear of indulging children- a hangover from my parents own childhood I guess. I remember that being spoilt seemed to be the worst possible outcome for a child. I wonder if this is where some of the weird ideas about eating & drinking came from. It’s almost as though people thought ‘oh it won’t do them any harm to go without drinking.’ There seemed to be a lot of tough love around.
I have also worked a lot with older people though & noticed that many were preoccupied with not drinking so they could avoid using the toilet. And this weird idea that drinking fills you up- I remember my grandma saying she was ‘full of tea’ so couldn’t eat. It’s fascinating how ideas change though. Generally I feel there were a lot more rules around when I was growing up.

My dad would defer to my mum, fair enough she didn't work for most of my childhood.

But my mum's first reaction was always to say 'no' to me and 'yes' to my brother.

As I got older I had to do what my brother did, I had to go to the same VI form despite me not wanting to 'stay on' and if I had to I wanted to do Art at college with A Level computer science.

I had this weird idea (1983) that computers and art were going to be big in the future - silly me

@Madeintowerhamlets

I am an 80’s child & I think there was a real fear of indulging children- a hangover from my parents own childhood I guess. I remember that being spoilt seemed to be the worst possible outcome for a child. I wonder if this is where some of the weird ideas about eating & drinking came from. It’s almost as though people thought ‘oh it won’t do them any harm to go without drinking.’ There seemed to be a lot of tough love around. I have also worked a lot with older people though & noticed that many were preoccupied with not drinking so they could avoid using the toilet. And this weird idea that drinking fills you up- I remember my grandma saying she was ‘full of tea’ so couldn’t eat. It’s fascinating how ideas change though. Generally I feel there were a lot more rules around when I was growing up.

Yes I think my parents, especially my Dad had this idea that rules were incredibly important to create routine and well behaved children but in an arbitrary way.. so even now with my own children he’ll be like “two books each! You can choose TWO books each” in the library for NO REASON or refusing my child a second banana even though it’s hours until a meal and the bananas have already been bought and need eating before they go mushy. Or “eat 2 more spoonfuls of x until you get your y” even if x isn’t particularly healthy and y is maybe even better for you. I fully understand about food waste and try to minimise myself but I don’t think it was about that, it was about creating rules and limits and having children obey.

I say no to my children all the time of course but when the “yes” incurs extra cost or waste etc and I can explain the reason to them. I want them to grow up aware of why I say no to new books from the bookshop every day for instance - for monetary and sustainability reasons - and why we need to use libraries too but there can be no logical objection to taking out 3 or 4 books.

Then in many other ways they are very lax - sweets and random extras at the tills just because .. things I’d always say no to. There is no logic.

FIL is big on arbitrary rules espeically with DS and now remind him he was working same age - doesn't do it with girls.

Both DH and my brother found their repective Dad's felt they could lend their time out to others with no input from them - that only stopped with FIL when I got involved as we had young children and I'd put the cheaky fuckers on the spot as it impacted on me and kids.

Odd thing with the drinks and long days out - my parents do now drink normally - but they did suffer then by not as many a day out ended up with them with headaches - plus few times they did buy drinks and found only one were really small and skickly sweet or we'd all be trying to drink pop from a huge bottle. They never took a drink with us though. I do wonder if toilets were harder to find then - or perhaps the queues were much worse. My perception is that toilet facilies have improved but that could be because we go to different locations - I don't know.

My parents were very critical and their expectations were way too high - my mum because she was stressed from FT work plus everything else, my dad because heaven knows why.

My GCSE results weren’t good enough. I had the second best results in the school.
The four A grades I got at a level didn’t justify the “strange mix of vacuous subjects” I’d taken (history, English language, psychology and gen stud)
I had to get a first at uni.

The one time in my entire life that I felt like my dad was unreservedly proud of me was when I successfully applied for a very prestigious UK graduate scheme….which three years later I left without completing for baby related reasons.

@thewhatsit, yes I am exactly like you! I can’t see the point of rules for the sake of rules without logic. I think the narrative around spoiling & overindulging children was very pervasive. I remember my grandma being very strict about how much toilet paper we used 😂.

You could be me op - the force feeding of allergenic foods and sips of hideous coffee.

FIL is big on arbitrary rules

The only thing I can think to explain it with my Dad is that he grew up in the post war years as rationing was being phased out. He was used to being told constantly that he couldn’t have things and plenty of very normal things to eat now, like satsumas and bananas, were very rare. At the same time, I guess he feels compelled to spend and to treat himself / us / grandchildren coming from the first generation that suddenly had all this disposable money and constant things to spend it on. So he’ll enjoy being able to grab a packet of sweets for the children or buying ice creams when we are out but then he is raising his eyebrows at my children having free access to the fruit bowl.
I don’t think he even sees it. He probably would say that children need to have routines and rules to avoid spoiling them and he would also talk about how much more difficult life was growing up and how happy he is that it wasn’t like that when he was raising his children. It all just means that no rules or boundaries were really well thought out. He both hated and loved I guess that back in the 80s we had almost unlimited food (compared to the 50s) and it just manifested itself as very strange, arbitrary rules..

@CornishGem1975 my dad is still like this now, won't pay parking but ended up getting a parking fine when he could of paid a couple of quid to park closer to where we needed to go. Won't pay for food anywhere out the house. Now I'm always taking my daughter out because we like it and I hate thinking of her feeling the way I use to when I'd see my friends or family going out for meals etc knowing we never did.

Same with the drinking as well! My parents didn’t seem to drink squash or water etc, just a few cups of tea or coffee throughout the day and wine at night

My mum letting my step dad take over all parental duties and she took a back seat. I was so close to my family and we moved (not far) but I always wanted to sleep at my man & grandads and before they got together I was allowed. But when he came on the scene I had to start asking him and if he said no that was final. I remember driving away from all my cousins playing out and was so upset everytime. I had to ask if I was allowed to play out, again if he said no I wasn't allowed. He and only him set times if when I had to be in, wasn't allowed to watch the tele in the daytime, could only use the computer for an hour a day. He tried to force me to eat my own sick after I threw up what he made. And my mum said nothing. I get on so well with my mum and she does a lot for me now but I will never forgive her for all them years. And I say before I was 7 I had the best memories but from 7 till 19 when I had my daughter and had to find my own place. I have no good memories.

I always swear a man will never come between me and my parenting and I think that's why I've been single for the past 9 years.

DDad remember rationing but doesn't do the arbitary rule stuff.

So in our family I think it's more personality - FIL need to be in charge and in the right because he says so. Just meant we had to be aware and run interference for DS.

On other hand the over cristism of my parents- I can see is very much a product of their own parenting. MIl has food comments/eating all the time at minute with two teen DDs that's something we have to step in with - but I honestly don't think she's aware of what's she's doing - it's partly how she was brought up and partly her current concerns about her weight and how her social group behaves. She does drive me batty sometimes as she comments on amount eaten oblivious that most people don't eat 4 times a day that she does.

We've had a couple of conversation usually around parents evening or results that we are proud of them - and do say it's something both DH and I were aware our parents sometime were but they never actaully said to us - others yes but not us directly.

There's probably lots we are getting wrong but don't see or are a product of constaints on us or product of pareting in this era.

My mom hated overweight people and I was never skinny, so whenever she took me shopping I heard her talking to the sales lady and telling her “she is a hopeless girl, all day eating chocolate, I apologize” She made me feel as if my body was offensive or not worth being in that fancy shop. And she praised the pretty saleslady and apologized again. She had me on a diet since I was 14 although I wasn’t fat at all, just not skinny. Or she would get mad if I wanted to wear certain clothes or even colors. I grew up listening “Don’t visit friends, people are in their homes and you will disturb their peace”. Still today I get so anxious if I am invited to go somewhere, I wonder all the time if I’m imposing. Both my parents forbade me to hang out with boys (as friends!!) because literally “girls that talk all the time to boys look like who*”. I never had a male friend or a boyfriend until I went to college, I always felt dirty and terrible if I had to talk to a male classmate.
I’m a grown 42 year old woman with a thousand complexes and I blame my parents for that.

Another one my mum wasn't allowed to watch tele in the day. And he would often come home for his dinner just to catch us out if we had the tv on. Many of times I would be on edge watching tele and see is van coming up the road so would have to slip off the couch and crawl over to the tv to switch it off before he got in the house. We weren't poor either. It was just control and "I'm working, so you can't sit at home watching tv" even though I was in college or working weekends so not like I was just sitting round doing nothing everyday and my mum worked.

Telling me my boobs were too big/saggy to wear certain clothes.

My boobs have pretty much ruined my life.

My mum was a hairdresser. She cut my hair till I was about 14. I wasn't allowed long hair as it wasn't "practical" I used to look wistfully at my friends at school with their pony tails, pretty hair slides and bobbles. To make matters worse she cut my hair around my very large sticky out ears... I wince every time I see a photo of myself as a child.

I remember one year getting a brownies uniform for my birthday I was gutted I wanted a doll I'd seen
Looking back my parents probably thought I needed it anyway they'd double it up as a birthday gift 🤦🏻‍♀️
Although money can be tight I would never do that to my kids