Hi
I've NCd for this as it might be outing. I've been on here for a long time and read quite a few threads already, however I would like to ask for your opinions in respect of my personal circumstances.
I am mid-30s, DH is 40. For many years I've been wondering whether he has issues with his attention, comprehension, memory and communication. There have been countless miscommunications or failures to communicate on his part affecting me and third parties too (wider family, plumbers, builders, you name it).
He seems unable to prioritise tasks, can't see how to reach a goal (for example, he couldn't unpack the garage after we moved, he was so completely chaotic that he left it a bigger mess than it was to begin with - unable to think of the easiest, most sensible and efficient method IYSWIM).
He is not a completer-finisher, leaves tasks unfinished or cuts corners, so they are part finished and in the meantime he's created another job or two for someone else me to pick up, which he also fails to notice.
He generally doesn't pay attention to the world around him and doesn't join the dots. To me this is like lack of common sense or daydreaming. For example, wouldn't notice the dog's fur on the floor and think, oh I better mop/hoover tonight as our DC (who is crawling now) might pick it up otherwise.
He generally can't see things that are obvious to me, particularly chores. Can't organise himself at all. Doesn't seem to think they're his job and he needs to do them several times a week.
He is terrible with numbers and money management. I have to do it all because he just can't grasp it. I have no idea how he passed his GCSE, it's really basic stuff. He can't budget at all and was in debt previously.
He's a 100% people pleaser, would tell white lies/half truths only to keep the peace for himself and many a time this has eventually caused major rifts within the family in particular. He doesn't deal with conflict at all.
He can't plan or organise anything ahead, not even few days in advance, not to mention months or say, a holiday.
I left him to manage a number of things before and it ended up with a disaster and enormous stress, missed deadlines, financial hardship because he failed to fix bills/switch providers even after being asked and reminded.
He has lots of more or less fleeting interests that are frankly pretty impractical, he can quote lines from movies he watched only once but somehow has no space in the brain to check if our DC is strapped into the car seat properly. Many times DC wasn't and he just drove off.
He runs away from problems, doesn't see them, doesn't discuss them, doesn't solve them. He's terribly passive.
He wouldn't apply for a promotion or a new job unless with a lot of encouragement, or frankly, a big push many times over.
I could go on and on.
I am a capable person, a strong organiser and planner. I'm very good with numbers and generally have a lot of energy.
I've been with him for 10 years and obviously noticed these things, however I don't think I've realised the severity until around 5-ish years ago. I talked to him many times. Initially thought he was selfish, lazy, inattentive. I thought he'd work on himself. He tried, but ultimately reversed to his default is time.
Our DC arrived last year and this was a huge eye opener. Even though DH is undiagnosed, I am now certain he has inattentive ADHD. He has been like a deer in the headlights for nearly a year now, failed to prioritise DC or myself, even after my C section. I have always been expected to do everything like I used to despite now having a child to look after and my own recovery. He didn't offer to take anything off my plate, I've become totally invisible. When I finally had enough and told him to step up, he couldn't juggle working and running a house at all. Everything was messy and chaotic and he had no idea what to do. He didn't even think of making any plans for when my salary drops to SMP, I saved up for it. Not one question asked. He bought DC maybe 5-10 items in total, everything else was organised by me. He never even asked or initiated a discussion. He is still behaving like I'm never on his list of priorities and even our DC isn't quite there. He loves DC, but is a Disney dad, for lots of laughs and fun stuff but not to contact the nursery, not to arrange any health appointments, not to think about childcare arrangements when I'm back in work etc. No practicalities of looking after a child at all.
I'm in a demanding job, main earner and pretty much carry the full mental load for me, him and the household. And now I have DC to look after too.
I have now developed Generalised Anxiety Disorder as a result of this and also because I suffered multiple pregnancy losses before my DC was born, I also suffer from PTSD. But I am coping best I can and and am awaiting CBT. I want to be back to my healthy self and I know I can't fail my DC. I'm there for my little one.
I am at the point of filing for a divorce. I can't take anymore of this. I feel unloved, there were constant massive arguments (me yelling in desperation and nothing from him....if that's even an argument). It's toxic and no good for my DC or anyone.
It makes me really sad. I guess what I'm asking is perspectives from those of you with inattentive ADHD and spouses. Does anything work for you and what is it, if so? Is there anything at all that could improve and save the marriage? This is the last resort.
Thank you for listening.