DH with Inattentive ADHD - Advice Please

[Berlioze]

Hi

I've NCd for this as it might be outing. I've been on here for a long time and read quite a few threads already, however I would like to ask for your opinions in respect of my personal circumstances.

I am mid-30s, DH is 40. For many years I've been wondering whether he has issues with his attention, comprehension, memory and communication. There have been countless miscommunications or failures to communicate on his part affecting me and third parties too (wider family, plumbers, builders, you name it).

He seems unable to prioritise tasks, can't see how to reach a goal (for example, he couldn't unpack the garage after we moved, he was so completely chaotic that he left it a bigger mess than it was to begin with - unable to think of the easiest, most sensible and efficient method IYSWIM).

He is not a completer-finisher, leaves tasks unfinished or cuts corners, so they are part finished and in the meantime he's created another job or two for someone else me to pick up, which he also fails to notice.

He generally doesn't pay attention to the world around him and doesn't join the dots. To me this is like lack of common sense or daydreaming. For example, wouldn't notice the dog's fur on the floor and think, oh I better mop/hoover tonight as our DC (who is crawling now) might pick it up otherwise.

He generally can't see things that are obvious to me, particularly chores. Can't organise himself at all. Doesn't seem to think they're his job and he needs to do them several times a week.

He is terrible with numbers and money management. I have to do it all because he just can't grasp it. I have no idea how he passed his GCSE, it's really basic stuff. He can't budget at all and was in debt previously.

He's a 100% people pleaser, would tell white lies/half truths only to keep the peace for himself and many a time this has eventually caused major rifts within the family in particular. He doesn't deal with conflict at all.

He can't plan or organise anything ahead, not even few days in advance, not to mention months or say, a holiday.

I left him to manage a number of things before and it ended up with a disaster and enormous stress, missed deadlines, financial hardship because he failed to fix bills/switch providers even after being asked and reminded.

He has lots of more or less fleeting interests that are frankly pretty impractical, he can quote lines from movies he watched only once but somehow has no space in the brain to check if our DC is strapped into the car seat properly. Many times DC wasn't and he just drove off.

He runs away from problems, doesn't see them, doesn't discuss them, doesn't solve them. He's terribly passive.

He wouldn't apply for a promotion or a new job unless with a lot of encouragement, or frankly, a big push many times over.

I could go on and on.

I am a capable person, a strong organiser and planner. I'm very good with numbers and generally have a lot of energy.

I've been with him for 10 years and obviously noticed these things, however I don't think I've realised the severity until around 5-ish years ago. I talked to him many times. Initially thought he was selfish, lazy, inattentive. I thought he'd work on himself. He tried, but ultimately reversed to his default is time.

Our DC arrived last year and this was a huge eye opener. Even though DH is undiagnosed, I am now certain he has inattentive ADHD. He has been like a deer in the headlights for nearly a year now, failed to prioritise DC or myself, even after my C section. I have always been expected to do everything like I used to despite now having a child to look after and my own recovery. He didn't offer to take anything off my plate, I've become totally invisible. When I finally had enough and told him to step up, he couldn't juggle working and running a house at all. Everything was messy and chaotic and he had no idea what to do. He didn't even think of making any plans for when my salary drops to SMP, I saved up for it. Not one question asked. He bought DC maybe 5-10 items in total, everything else was organised by me. He never even asked or initiated a discussion. He is still behaving like I'm never on his list of priorities and even our DC isn't quite there. He loves DC, but is a Disney dad, for lots of laughs and fun stuff but not to contact the nursery, not to arrange any health appointments, not to think about childcare arrangements when I'm back in work etc. No practicalities of looking after a child at all.

I'm in a demanding job, main earner and pretty much carry the full mental load for me, him and the household. And now I have DC to look after too.

I have now developed Generalised Anxiety Disorder as a result of this and also because I suffered multiple pregnancy losses before my DC was born, I also suffer from PTSD. But I am coping best I can and and am awaiting CBT. I want to be back to my healthy self and I know I can't fail my DC. I'm there for my little one.

I am at the point of filing for a divorce. I can't take anymore of this. I feel unloved, there were constant massive arguments (me yelling in desperation and nothing from him....if that's even an argument). It's toxic and no good for my DC or anyone.

It makes me really sad. I guess what I'm asking is perspectives from those of you with inattentive ADHD and spouses. Does anything work for you and what is it, if so? Is there anything at all that could improve and save the marriage? This is the last resort.

Thank you for listening.

@dabdab well, thank you - I’m delighted to hear it’s been helpful.

@PussInBin20

I think some of the problem is you’re so capable and have been doing so much up to now that he has got used to this. He won’t start miraculously stepping up if he hasn’t been doing it prior to having DC.

Also, lots of men don’t see the chores that need doing, I don’t think that’s just men with ADHD. I think it’s just not as much of a priority for them. Probably stems a lot from childhood when Mummy did everything. They just think woman = wife, mother, housework etc even though of course nowadays we have to work as well.

I sympathise as you can’t do it all and realistically even if he gets a diagnosis, how will that help?

I doubt he will become the husband you need him to be if you have tried already unless perhaps you give him an ultimatum - maybe that will be the kick up the arse he needs to show him you are serious and you need help!

Good luck.

I have ADHD, my DH is NT.

I see when things need doing. He really doesn't. However he does more than his fair share of chores and jobs and is happy to do so. He just doesn't see that the cat litter tray needs emptying or the floor needs hoovering.

It's very weird but I am not sure we can just put it down assuming it's a women's job. Certainly not in my DHs case anyway.

We deal with it by giving him set jobs to do at set times. He's fine with that and gets them done the vast majority of the time on time. He (unlike me) quite likes a routine and to know what he has to do when).

I do think that some people just don't see the dirt! Whether that's a male/female thing or just a person thing who knows. I'm not sure it's an ADHD thing.

ADHDers tend to be messy (and possibly dirty if they can't keep up with chores) but often (not always) they hate it and are frustrated by it rather than just not seeing it.

I would LOVE everything to be nicely ordered and organised and most importantly CLEAN. But I just can't keep it up consistently however much I try.

ADHDers tend to be messy (and possibly dirty if they can't keep up with chores) but often (not always) they hate it and are frustrated by it rather than just not seeing it.

Yep, I see the mess, and I know I made it…. but clearing it up is just sooo hard. Better on meds, though.

I would LOVE everything to be nicely ordered and organised and most importantly CLEAN. But I just can't keep it up consistently however much I try.

100%.

Hmmm, that's interesting. I know we obviously won't disgnose DH on MN, but would you say his behaviours aren't ADHD typical?

Not everyone with ADHD is the same. I don't mind mess and clutter and would happily live with it, to an extent anyway. I absolutely don't see it though if I'm focused on something else. It's like I have tunnel vision. So for example I can't use reminders on sticky notes around the house because I won't even see them.

I'm very similar to your husband. I try my best every day but constantly feel like I'm drowning. I care, i let him know that he's loved and appreciated. I dont know what I can do, ultimately its a disability.

It is also highly heriditary fyi. Medication will help, I'm on the list for it. Getting a diagnosis was invaluable.

Structure and support really help.

@Midlifemusings

I have the Inattentive ADHD too OP. My brain just doesn't prioritize or plan or organize. I just can't manage those things. It is a strange thing to have a brain that can do some things incredibly well and just can't do other things. I also procrastinate to the point that it causes me major issues and it is extremely difficult for me to finish anything.

I have tried meds but didn't find them particularly effective. It is extremely frustrating for me at times as I end up paying lots in overdue fees and fines and dealing withe the aftermath of not doing the thing I need to do at work or at home or in life. For me reminders don't really help as it isn't really a memory issue - it is an executive functioning issue. I know I need to do it, I just can't get it done. I can't execute the task. And then as more and more doesn't get done my brain gets overwhelmed with all the things to do and I do even less.

I am a woman and it has absolutely zero to do with how I was raised. My brain just has some major deficits that impact on my coginitive functioning. I do fine in some contexts and even excel which makes it really hard for anyone to understand why I can't do many more mundane or routine or basic tasks or why I don't just 'do' the things I need to do.

I was diganosed later in life and so didn't have the advantage or therapies to help. I have always known there must be something wrong as I just don't feel like a lazy person and am not lazy in every area. I am not saying every issue you have is due to deficits in his execugtive functioning but it could be that some or many are. There are only a few things that seem to let my brain kick into gear and I wish I could bottle those moments and use them when I need them.

I needed to move recently and even though I know exactly what needed to be done to get everything ready, I just didn't do it. I would beat myself up every day and tell myself to do better and get it done and it still wouldn't get done. I would set my alarm for 5:00am to get up and I would get up but still not be productive. I get sick to my stomach sometimes over the stress of not doing what I know I need to do but just don't do.

I feel you. I hate this part too. I very occasionally I have a day when it all comes together and I am on it and productive and get shit done. I think this must be what it feels like to be NT. I always think I must try to keep this up and then the next day it's all gone again.

I think it's the hardest one to explain to an NT. Why can't you just do it? Just get up and get it done? It's so hard to explain why it's just not possible.

I've talked to my DH about it and he says when he wants to fo something he just gets up and does it. No (or minimal) effort. I literally have to force myself through my day everyday just to di basic things, like get washed and dressed, take my meds, brush my teeth etc etc etc....I get a fraction done of what an NT could achieve in a day. And I'm exhausted afterwards.

I often get stuck. Stuck in the bath. Stuck in the car transitioning between car and home or car and shop. I can't start. Can't move on to the next thing. So frustrating.

There's a study about mice that I came across where they removed their dopamine and starved them (not nice 😩) and then they put some food near them but they could not be bothered to get up and get it, even though they were starving. I find this helpful to explain to NTs why we just can't get up and do it even if we really want to. Bloody dopamine it has a lot of answer for!

@Berlioze

Hmmm, that's interesting. I know we obviously won't disgnose DH on MN, but would you say his behaviours aren't ADHD typical?

Is that directed at my comment?

If so, no I think lots of your DHs behaviours look like inattentive ADHD. However I am not sure the not noticing mess and dirt AT ALL thing is necessarily ADHD. I know ADHDers who notice mess and dirt and others that don't and likewise NTs who notice mess and dirt and others that don't.

The getting in a mess in the first place is definitely associated with ADHD. Not noticing things like drawers left open is v typical ADHD.M for example. I for example can go back into a room and it looks like I've trashed it unintentionally and to my surprise - stuff everywhere and drawers open. I then notice it, it annoys me, and I may or may not be able to do something about it. I then always think, I must shut the bloody drawers after I've opened them, but I only seem to be able to manage to do that 50/60% of the time. Multiply that by multiple things around the house.

I notice though that your DH has dyslexia. Dyslexia (and some other conditions) can come with executive functioning issues. I am not sure where "this is an executive functioning issue as part of another disorder" ends and inattentive ADHD begins, but just something to be aware of.

@BertieBotts

Not everyone with ADHD is the same. I don't mind mess and clutter and would happily live with it, to an extent anyway. I absolutely don't see it though if I'm focused on something else. It's like I have tunnel vision. So for example I can't use reminders on sticky notes around the house because I won't even see them.

Absolutely.

I for one love a sticky note and find them quite effective as a reminder. although if they have been there too long I start to ignore them too. I seem to stop seeing them!

So would you suggest trialling different methods one at a time? How long for, a few weeks? I read/watched not to try everything at once as it's overwhelming, what would you say?

So say I could try sticky notes, see if they help him. Then he could try reminders on his phone/alarms/diarising.

We have a schedule of weekly chores but he doesn't always stick to it. He is trying though.

I don't know how to encourage finishing tasks, not cutting corners and noticing stuff around him though, or do you think these things won't change without meds/at all?

I really don't want to keep reminding him to do things myself as I think it's exhausting for both of us, he will always see this as nagging and I really don't want to do this anyway.

LHommeRose you've described the fear of boring so well.
I've been diagnosed as ADHD (inattentive) and I have such anxiety and fear around boring normal tasks that they don't get done. I feel like I've turned a corner in recognising this though and I'm working on strategies to work on this ( eat the frog, Pomodoro Technique etc)
I'm a senior specialist health care professional and thrive at work. It's quite a complex and interesting role in a fast paced environment.

Adhd, dyslexia and dyscalculia go hand in hand

If you have ADHD it's highly likely you have the other two as well.

@Indoctro

Adhd, dyslexia and dyscalculia go hand in hand

If you have ADHD it's highly likely you have the other two as well.

Really? I’m great at both maths and reading and writing - no suggestion of dyslexia or dyscalculia here.

So maybe I don’t have ADHD at all. Maybe my mother was right and I’m just lazy with no common sense. But the ADHD meds seem to have fixed that.

Yes - fear of boring. Great way of putting it. I’m really creative but never finish anything
I love gardening but I want to do the entire garden in one day and have to talk myself down from literally trying to do this.
Interestingly, when I was prescribed an SSRI and Beta Blockers (I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety, misdiagnosed?), the ADHD-like symptoms lessened. I was able to complete tasks.

Lots of pennies dropping for me.

On the Access to Work DWP thing I think the suggestion is that if he is getting into any trouble at work it would help if he had a diagnosis. I worked with someone that got a diagnosis for autism in his 40s and it helped enormously at work. Slowly people started to understand his approach to things. He had resisted for years but when he finally got diagnosed he says it's a game changer.

I also have ADHD and work in mental health, mostly providing post dx psychological support to ADHDers.

One ADHD coaching strategy I’ve adopted for myself and patients is the RAN method - Reward, Accountability, Novelty.

Neurotypical rewards typically focus on delayed gratification - “I’ll do this then I’ll reward myself with x”. However, because of the neurotransmitter dysfunction in ADHD, that doesn’t work, particularly if the person also has time blindness. There is only “now” and “not now”. I’ve learned to reward myself for starting a task. That may be a nice coffee when I start my admin that I can drink while doing it. For boring house chores, it might be a favourite podcast or album to put on, or even making myself a snack to munch on while I plan the task. I also need to break tasks down into minute detailed “mini-tasks” because if someone says “clean the living room” my brain just goes “what does that even mean”. If I can break it down into small tasks and it goes on my white board then I can get a very quick sense of completion for ticking off the easy wins - for example, clearing the mess off the coffee table so I can clean it. Executive dysfunction means I can’t always think through and carry things out in a sequence.

Accountability - this might be something like body doubling - I often talk to a friend on the phone while folding and putting away my laundry, ironing or dusting. It distracts me from the dullness of the task, my friend can keep me on track and check with me if I’ve finished it and remind me what I said I was going to do while we were on the call if I’ve forgotten. This does not work if my partner does it as I tend to feel criticised. Most of my friends are neurodivergent, so they get it, and I do the same for them when they need to get a Herculean task done. Yes, objectively it’s an easy task, but my brain says it might as well be Everest if it’s not an interesting one.

Novelty. ADHDers need variety like oxygen. That’s why your DH isn’t a completer/finisher. We get bored, and our brain goes off to find novelty. I try to work with this rather than against it. I may work on 3 different jobs in the same time period and not do them in linear fashion. As long as I do complete them, my DH has learned to butt out as to how that happens. He’s completely linear, plans things out from start to finish and follows a plan. It makes him feel safe. My brain? Nah, bollocks to plans and prescriptions. Those are authority and authority does not make me feel safe, it makes me feel restricted and trapped and without autonomy. And then shameful when I can’t do it the prescribed way. So I need to be able to complete things in the way I need to do it. Some people see this as stubborn or contrary and maybe to a neurotypical brain it is, but why is the neurotypical way always the right one? Admittedly though, if you’re going to do this, you do need to commit to completing/following through on what you’re doing. Medication has made that easier for me. I also like to try and gamify the things I have to do in some way, like seeing how much I can get done in a certain time, setting myself little challenges to complete. We also divide up the jobs in the house according to our strengths. My DH hates going to the shops, so I do the weekly shop, if we need things for the house or DIY jobs, I’ll go round and get them because going to different places satisfies the need for novelty - getting out of the house helps when I feel stuck with house jobs.

Lastly, another thing to know about us ADHDers who work. We often use up most or all of our executive functioning on our paid jobs, leaving very little left for other things. We are also very likely to be masking hard at work, to combat the traits that might get us in trouble. For me that might be forgetting to do parts of my admin, or being inattentive to accuracy on my invoices so I get paid late, or making sure I don’t say something impulsive in a meeting and ensuring I keep my filters in place. I use up a HUGE amount of executive functioning on those things and a massive amount of adrenaline because of all the anxiety I feel about those things being “exposed” at work. I get home sometimes barely able to speak, and then my DH comes at me with a load of babble about whatever needs doing at home and I’m just like “not today Satan”. I say babble not because it is - it’s important to him - but that’s what my brain receives it as, because I have no processing capacity left. Low demand, unstructured time is really important for most neurodivergent people. DH can keep going without that much longer than I can. If I’ve had enough of that, I can then facilitate that for him - maybe I’ll do the cooking after I’ve had an hour or two just doing whatever while he watches TV. He doesn’t much like to cook, I do, so that usually works. But if someone wants me to cook a meal after I just get in from work, they’ll get short shrift. The snappiness is not a nice ADHD trait, I’ll admit, and I do my best to try to say to DH “please don’t ask me to do anything or give me anything to process for the next hour as I’m feeling completely wiped out” before I get to Point Rage. The need for low demand time causes a huge amount of resentment in ND/NT relationships, but honestly, for me that’s the difference between getting shit done and not. I might still also not get the amount of things done that my DH would (or imagines I am capable of) because I’ll get distracted multiple times and have to put myself back on task. Let me tell you, that’s exhausting. The medication means I can put myself back on task rather than wandering away, but it doesn’t mean I don’t get distracted ever any more.

I hope this gives a bit of insight into the mind of an ADHDer and the kind of strategies that might be helpful.

@PuzzledObserver

ADHD and dyslexia are different brain disorders. But they often overlap. About 3 in 10 people with dyslexia also have ADHD. And if you have ADHD, you’re six times more likely than most people to have a learning disorder such as dyslexia.
But having ADHD doesn’t mean you’ll get dyslexia. Nor does dyslexia cause ADHD.
The two conditions can have similar symptoms and risk factors. This sometimes can make it hard to tell them apart.
Read about Comorbidity of ADHD and Dyslexia.

@PuzzledObserver

I have copied a paragraph from a website, not sure if it will work.

When I had my diagnosis the Consultant when quite in depth about dyslexia and adhd

As I child in the 1990's I was labelled naughty at school and that I had dyslexia- that was quite a common thing back they before adhd was officially recognised in the year 2000 in uk.

There is a very close link between the two and sometimes they can be mistaken for each other. If you have a child with adhd I would definitely get them tested for dyslexia as well.

Also the meds will help anyone as they are a stimulant so even people without adhd would have more energy and focus. That's why it's difficult to diagnose and treat with medication. I had been informed not to go for a private adhd assessment as due to you paying for it they are more inclined to say you have it and prescribe medication. NHS is the way to go. It's actually hard to know in adults what is actual personality v adhd.

I

@PineappleMojito You've described my DH to a T, I'm actually speechless! Thanks so much for your post!

So I think he may have been trying to use similar tactics to you, without realising that this were ADHD assistance strategies and I haven't understood this either. He is 100% trying to make daily mundane stuff more interesting, podcasts are his thing, he has earphones on or watches something on his tablet alongside doing quite a few of the usual daily tasks. I never asked him why, always assumed that he just wanted to be efficient and multitask (that's my NT brain!). However, I always had a question mark in my head over this because he isn't actually that great at multitasking in my view - because he starts many things, but doesn't finish them (which again might be your attention point). So I always thought, how is he managing to multitask, say cook and listen to his favourite movie podcasts, but not in other areas. In my head I thought he chooses to prioritise what he likes, but doesn't want to apply multitasking to things he should do that are piling up constantly and never get done. I couldn't get my head around how he can be smart and efficient and yet, seemingly 'lazy' and a complete procrastinator.

I am honestly gobsmacked looking back at his behaviours having read your post. It would've never crossed my mind to interpret them this way.

It's also really interesting what you say about completing tasks. I totally get it and actually don't care how he gets them done, as long as he gets them done and I don't have to nag or discover 7 months later he didn't even start which gives me the rage then as I assumed in my NT brain he had finished a long time ago. I manage a team of people professionally and I always encourage them to find their own ways of working that are efficient for them. I think what you've suggested would really work for DH - however there is definitely the issue of him using up his executive function resources professionally and there isn't much left for personal life. It's like his pot is empty whereas my plate id overflowing as a result because I'm not allowed to stop executive thinking, both professionally as I'm senior in my role, and personally. This is the crux, we somehow need to get to the stage where his brain is more stimulated to finish tasks and to do them regularly and I need a bit of regular downtime.

I can't thank you enough for your post, this is another lightbulb moment for me.

And it is completely true about sequencing as well.

I walked into our garage that he attempted to unpack with no success. I spent a day in there, firstly felt overwhelmed too as there was a lot to do, but I've paused, looked through some boxes first and came up with a sequence of tasks in my head to reach a goal - open them, segregate (say, paint brushes, electricals, DIY & tools etc), then put away. And I did it. It wasn't easy but strategy was key. DH walked in and it blew his mind, I watched him and understood then that his brain genuinely could not come up with the sequence of tasks that needed to be completed, so he 'messed that up'.

I had to work out his flexible working request recently with a pen and paper because he couldn't work out how to split his hours across his working days (some longer, some slightly shorter) and also he 'forgot' DC would need to be picked up from nursery by him on certain days, by a certain time. If I hadn't helped, he'd have applied to work past the nursery closure time. And he didn't mean it and he clearly isn't that stupid to do this on purpose - he was genuinely looking at me blank like he couldn't work out what he needed to do step by step to recalculate his hours.

These are just very small examples, but I can think of so, so many where sequencing just isn't something he can do.

My DP of 10 years has inattentive ADHD so many of the descriptions on this thread resonate.

However, what strikes me is that the main problem you are having with your DH is not actually his ADHD. It's his complete unwillingness to consider that there may be an issue, to recognise its impact on you and your mental health, or to put your relationship first by seeking help. He is stonewalling you and burying his head in the sand, which is not acceptable behaviour in any relationship, whether there is ADHD or not. This is the fundamental reason why you are feeling anxious, burned out and unloved. I mean, who could feel loved, cherished and supported in a relationship where the other partner flat out refuses to even discuss major issues impacting the relationship?

So right now he is carrying on as he is, completely ignoring your needs and the impact of his behaviour on you. If I were you I'd give him an ultimatum - he either recognises there's an issue and gets help, or it's marriage over and goodbye.

In contrast, my partner and I have had lengthy discussions about the impact of his ADHD on me and on our relationship. We discuss and agree strategies to address these. We aren't perfect, but the key difference is that we can have open and constructive conversations about it.

Hope this isn't a hijack but wondering if those of you with knowledge on this thread could tell me if ADHD could be the reason why someone would avoid something that is very very necessary and uber important for themselves and their loved ones.

@violetbunny There is a lot of truth in what you've said.

I will try one last time to have a more in depth conversation with him, I'm not sure how to explain his behaviours to him without it sounding like a litany of issues, but also so that he understands why they cause difficulties to others. I don't want to patronise him either. Would you suggest showing him examples of his behaviours (didn't work in the past, but I have not discussed them in the ADHD context) or a more general conversation regarding ADHD, or asking open questions regarding his thoughts and feelings?

I found it really enlightening to read your perspectives on here, it wouldn't occur to me that his thinking may be similar to yours (although I'm making assumptions here).

I've been thinking about this all day and realised using the gaming strategy works for him too. He's a bit of a tech geek and somehow simple gadgets are his thing - for example we use the Bring! app for shopping. He loves it, there's something exciting apparently about items disappearing from the list when he shops. Whereas previously he'd go to the shop and forget salad leaves to make a salad. Online shopping somehow doesn't appeal to him at all, he actually said it's boring.

I would say regarding the important things for the family, I feel the same as you Jewel (I assume you are the NT partner?). I used to resent him for this but now when I look at it, I wonder if these things weren't important or exciting in his head. It's difficult for me to accept tbh. It's not easy to think something important to me and us as a family is dull to him and he can't focus or prioritise as a result. It's not his fault, but the final outcome is the same, minimum involvement or avoidance tactics. But it could be that he finds this part overwhelming to process so he stays away.

@Berlioze so much of what you wrote resonates with me. And then the posters with in-depth knowledge sharing was just shining more and more light onto things for me. For me it's DP and DS. My DS was assessed when young but dyslexia was the diagnosis but as a teen he himself thought he had ADHD as he had a friend who was diagnosed with ADHD.

I guess I am NT or more towards NT on the spectrum although to be honest I recognise some of what is described in myself but I think I have coping strategies.

Thanks so much for posting as it is giving me lots to think about.

@Jewel1968

Hope this isn't a hijack but wondering if those of you with knowledge on this thread could tell me if ADHD could be the reason why someone would avoid something that is very very necessary and uber important for themselves and their loved ones.

Absolutely, yes, it could be.