DH with Inattentive ADHD - Advice Please

[Berlioze]

Hi

I've NCd for this as it might be outing. I've been on here for a long time and read quite a few threads already, however I would like to ask for your opinions in respect of my personal circumstances.

I am mid-30s, DH is 40. For many years I've been wondering whether he has issues with his attention, comprehension, memory and communication. There have been countless miscommunications or failures to communicate on his part affecting me and third parties too (wider family, plumbers, builders, you name it).

He seems unable to prioritise tasks, can't see how to reach a goal (for example, he couldn't unpack the garage after we moved, he was so completely chaotic that he left it a bigger mess than it was to begin with - unable to think of the easiest, most sensible and efficient method IYSWIM).

He is not a completer-finisher, leaves tasks unfinished or cuts corners, so they are part finished and in the meantime he's created another job or two for someone else me to pick up, which he also fails to notice.

He generally doesn't pay attention to the world around him and doesn't join the dots. To me this is like lack of common sense or daydreaming. For example, wouldn't notice the dog's fur on the floor and think, oh I better mop/hoover tonight as our DC (who is crawling now) might pick it up otherwise.

He generally can't see things that are obvious to me, particularly chores. Can't organise himself at all. Doesn't seem to think they're his job and he needs to do them several times a week.

He is terrible with numbers and money management. I have to do it all because he just can't grasp it. I have no idea how he passed his GCSE, it's really basic stuff. He can't budget at all and was in debt previously.

He's a 100% people pleaser, would tell white lies/half truths only to keep the peace for himself and many a time this has eventually caused major rifts within the family in particular. He doesn't deal with conflict at all.

He can't plan or organise anything ahead, not even few days in advance, not to mention months or say, a holiday.

I left him to manage a number of things before and it ended up with a disaster and enormous stress, missed deadlines, financial hardship because he failed to fix bills/switch providers even after being asked and reminded.

He has lots of more or less fleeting interests that are frankly pretty impractical, he can quote lines from movies he watched only once but somehow has no space in the brain to check if our DC is strapped into the car seat properly. Many times DC wasn't and he just drove off.

He runs away from problems, doesn't see them, doesn't discuss them, doesn't solve them. He's terribly passive.

He wouldn't apply for a promotion or a new job unless with a lot of encouragement, or frankly, a big push many times over.

I could go on and on.

I am a capable person, a strong organiser and planner. I'm very good with numbers and generally have a lot of energy.

I've been with him for 10 years and obviously noticed these things, however I don't think I've realised the severity until around 5-ish years ago. I talked to him many times. Initially thought he was selfish, lazy, inattentive. I thought he'd work on himself. He tried, but ultimately reversed to his default is time.

Our DC arrived last year and this was a huge eye opener. Even though DH is undiagnosed, I am now certain he has inattentive ADHD. He has been like a deer in the headlights for nearly a year now, failed to prioritise DC or myself, even after my C section. I have always been expected to do everything like I used to despite now having a child to look after and my own recovery. He didn't offer to take anything off my plate, I've become totally invisible. When I finally had enough and told him to step up, he couldn't juggle working and running a house at all. Everything was messy and chaotic and he had no idea what to do. He didn't even think of making any plans for when my salary drops to SMP, I saved up for it. Not one question asked. He bought DC maybe 5-10 items in total, everything else was organised by me. He never even asked or initiated a discussion. He is still behaving like I'm never on his list of priorities and even our DC isn't quite there. He loves DC, but is a Disney dad, for lots of laughs and fun stuff but not to contact the nursery, not to arrange any health appointments, not to think about childcare arrangements when I'm back in work etc. No practicalities of looking after a child at all.

I'm in a demanding job, main earner and pretty much carry the full mental load for me, him and the household. And now I have DC to look after too.

I have now developed Generalised Anxiety Disorder as a result of this and also because I suffered multiple pregnancy losses before my DC was born, I also suffer from PTSD. But I am coping best I can and and am awaiting CBT. I want to be back to my healthy self and I know I can't fail my DC. I'm there for my little one.

I am at the point of filing for a divorce. I can't take anymore of this. I feel unloved, there were constant massive arguments (me yelling in desperation and nothing from him....if that's even an argument). It's toxic and no good for my DC or anyone.

It makes me really sad. I guess what I'm asking is perspectives from those of you with inattentive ADHD and spouses. Does anything work for you and what is it, if so? Is there anything at all that could improve and save the marriage? This is the last resort.

Thank you for listening.

@Jewel1968 I said more on here than I've ever said IRL - when I tried to explain to my friends, they often brushed it off as 'oh that's what men are like' or said their DHs do the same. But I never presented the full(er) picture and I guess that's the crucial difference.

I question sometimes if I am NT too, I certainly have tendency to procrastinate and then push myself extremely hard which is unhealthy. I can also be quite neurotic and of course, overly anxious. But I think the former is because I unfortunately learnt over the years that I am pretty on it and can get away with doing a lot of things last minute that many other people wouldn't. It's not great and I dislike this about myself. There are many small tasks that I postpone forever too tbh, but they aren't impacting others, they impact me. I also get into the neurotic/anxious moods when I'm under a lot of stress, it's not how I've always been or at least not as severe as now.

I think most of us have some kind of non-NT traits but it's not necessarily a disorder.

I think most of us have some kind of non-NT traits but it's not necessarily a disorder.

That's very true @Berlioze , we all have aspects of our personalities that are the same as non-NT ones. I don't know what a professional would say, but I think it's when it has a significant negative impact on your own or a family member's life then it becomes a problem.

My DH has definitely become worse since WFH and growing older (we're in our 60's). Social interaction at work used to give him more of a filter.

We had visitors one afternoon this week and after about 20 minutes drinking tea and chatting, he started fidgeting and scratching himself like mad.

This is his latest tic - he used to talk loudly over people and had an annoying coughing habit (not an illness, just a habit).

He's got those under control by developing more awareness but it's as if something has to replace it and it's now scratching!

I have just accepted I'm married to a very quirky character. God knows what he'd be like without me though.

I often wonder this too @Adhdwife, but somehow he has managed to coast through life before we got together without any major dramas, although his finances were a disaster, so maybe something was waiting around the corner IYSWIM.

Definitely agree with you that this is getting worse with age. My DH is 40 and there certainly is a difference between him at 30 and him at 40. Wfh during Covid has made me more observant too and I've definitely noticed more of his behaviours.

So I tried speaking to him yesterday and he completely stonewalled me. I askee if he read up anything about ADHD after I suggested it before. The answer was 'no'. He said he was going to have a call today through his work MH-support scheme to assess how best to help him. I asked what he was going to tell them, whether he's considered that (not in a sense he should self-diagnose himself but so he tells them what it is that he is struggling with). He couldn't give me the answer, just stared at me with a blank expression. I got really angry and walked out of the room and not spoken to him since. It's a lost cause I think, he's not getting it and not prioritising, yet again. Anything affecting me is never a priority, certainly not his own behaviours. IMO he'd repeat my words about the way he is, but he doesn't believe in them himself and doesn't consider this is a problem for him to address, so I think we're done here.

I'm reading this thread with a mixture of sadness, relief, guilt and (ashamed to say) resentment.
I recognise a lot of ADHD pattern behaviour in DH, but when I mentioned it (imo fairly sensitively) he shrugged and didn't want to talk about it. Or read about it. Or research it. (He is also dyslexic so reading about something he doesn't think is interesting or important like sport was always going to be a deal-breaker)

key things are disorganisation, lack of time management, unable to focus on one thing at a time or in a logical order, and difficulty listening or remembering things. I've spent 20 years feeling like I'm somehow boring or not worth listening properly to. (He does do it to other people not just me) but it is annoying when he walks out of a room when I'm talking, and I feel aggrieved that my DC have got used to not being listened to.

I've ordered the book mentioned on page 1, I'm hoping that seeing that might prompt a conversation!

Oh my. This all strikes a chord with me as we are in a very similar situation. I had always been aware of DH's chaotic tendencies but living and working at home with dc during the lockdowns really magnified things. Then I was perusing MN one night and came across a similar thread and all the pieces just fitted in to place. A real light bulb moment.

I did a lot of reading around it and then raised it with DH. Initially he was incredibly resistant and I didn't want to push it so I just left him to think things through and would occasionally point out when he was having difficulties and coming down hard on himself that it might be not his "fault" but that it was quite an ADHD behaviour. He has slowly become more accepting of it as a possibility and he got an appointment with GP to get a referral. He even called up to make the appointment but the waiting list was 6months so he didnt bother. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!

Currently I still struggle with bearing the load but have been quite specific about some systems that have helped. For DH he is great with a "rule" like the pile of clothes at the top of the stairs is dirty so needs to go down to the wash basket and he will do it on his own. But if there are three piles at the top (dirty clothes, toys to go down to the toy box, shoes to go down to the rack) he looks at it, pauses and then walks past. It's like it overloads his processing and can't decide which pile to take first or how to take more than one down etc so he just doesn't.

Another shift in his acceptance that it's a possibility was a good friend of ours recently being diagnosed (also after his wife noticing during lockdown). Friend is lovely, well respected and doing really well in his career so it's made DH see that it's something to be aware of but doesn't stop him from being smart, loved, etc

So we still have a way to go on our journey and many obstacles but I'm starting to feel like it's possible (most days).

*you're

I love how it took you two attempts to be a dick and you still got it wrong.

Another question...do inattentive ADHD people find it difficult to tell the truth if it's difficult or potentially leading to conflict that will need solving?

Second question: does ADHD have negative impact on sex life (ADHD itself, not medication)?

Hello - there is a lovely section in the Scattered Minds (Gabor Mate) book on sex with ADHD where is covers how wives end up having to mother their husbands with ADHD to get them to function and that causes so much resentment that sex massively reduces. It basically suggests when you have to mother your husband sex feels wrong - so yes - it could have a negative impact.

My dh has no real ability for emotional connection
Our sex life is just that. Sex.

Interesting. I'm finding symptoms of emotional withdrawal from him, it's like he's in self-preservation mode - he'll say impulse lies and isn't emotionally engaged in the marriage, including sex.

I am only seeing these things now, in hindsight. We're separated and likely heading for the divorce.

He has only now started taking his issues seriously and is on a waiting list for an assessment.

What I'm struggling to understand is whether the two issues above which I find fundamental can/are affected by his ADHD, or whether he is, and has at all times, just been a dick regardless of his likely nerodiversity.

My eldest DD was diagnosed a couple of years ago which had since made me realise that I have it and my dad has it. The problem is that when you grow up with it and have a parent with it, it does seem totally normal to live life like that. My mum had recently said she had found it really helpful to know dad likely has ADHD as she can be less annoyed with him if she knows he is no deliberately trying to be annoying.
I am mid fifties and have learnt strategies along the way. Probably my biggest downfall is not remembering people's names even after working with them for years. Most of the other bits of my day I get through with lists and post it notes and my team know to remind me if they have asked me to do something time critical.
My DH is likely Asperger's and seems happy enough to live in semi chaos. In fact, I am the tidy one( sporadically) and he does not notice what needs doing. This evening I have family to stay. I know the whole house needs hoovering and 2 beds need to be made and I am out most of the day, and yet here I am, in bed, on MN and it will be a frantic rush around an hour before they arrive because it always is.
It is harder with children and in some ways I am amazed ours made it to late teens really as we were often losing one or other of them out and about, but we got there.
I don't know what to suggest but you do need to tell him you seriously cannot continue like this, to the point you may have to separate and ask him to seek help.

People can be dicks, NT or ND.

Being ND is more complicated because the brain reacts differently and emotional regulation can often be out of kilter with life stage. Interest is particularly important to ND people, and even if they're not particularly adept at something, making an effort and showing awareness that they care can be the critical difference in relationships.
Giving up on things that make a household function is dickish, there is room for delegating and compromise, but to give up on everything and have no interest in solutions across the entirity of household life is at best incompatibility or probably dickish.

DS is ND but it's not a free pass to opt out of domestic stuff he has no interest in. I can frame things in more specific, accessible ways for him. There's also times that I recognise that he's not emotionally capable of doing things and it's best to pick your battles. Obviously it's different expectations raising a child to being a husband/ father, but I want him to be capable of having sucessful adult relationships in the long run. I don't want him to never try and fail at adulting purely because of his differences.

I suspect that I may be ND (ADHD/ dyspraxia look most likely). I've always been poor at housework. I went into adult life, poorly trained with no strategies, but I've learned some as I go. The motivation tends to swing around things like not having food poisoning, not being divorced, a guest coming, having space to function, not ending up in a hoarders home of hell by 2060, but I care about the potential outcomes being negative enough to override the paralysis of emptying a bin, or working out what to do with a pile of stuff. To have never cared would have been dickish and would have cost my relationship with DH many years ago.

I hope you (and H) can move on and thrive. It sounds like even if he does re-evaluate and take positive action, you've had too much baggage and that's fair enough. You've done enough to support him and act honourably. Sometimes fresh starts are for the best.

Thank you again for your incredibly thoughtful comments.

I am feeling really low. I don't want to be divorced but can't see a way to improve things anymore.

My DP has recently been diagnosed but he has suspected it for a while and pursued it. TBH I was a bit sceptical but it at first but now he is medicated, it’s not a cure but it does help him manage better and focus more. And I have also come to suspect that I may have it but have been coping and masking all my life, so much that I didn’t even register that it’s not how everyone is. I am pretty sure my father has it.

We have household routines for the tasks that need doing - wash day, bathroom day, bed change day, bin day etc, and reminders. Both of us have jobs that offer a lot of novelty and also demand hyper focus at times so that is fortunate and enables us to remain on an even keel.

Now that DP has his diagnosis I resent him less and he now appreciates that he really does need a kick up the bum for some things. It has definitely improved our relationship. But the key thing was that he was willing to seek help, because the way he was was frustrating for him too.

Hi, I also think my DH has ADHD to the same severity as yours.

Some examples, putting off telling his boss I was pregnant (for his paternity leave) until 5pm the day before I was induced. Bear in mind I was 12 days past due date.

Not getting around to booking annual leave for our holiday abroad so pretending to me & the kids (the white lies) that he was off work and pretending to work (luckily WFH) that he wasn't in Spain! 😫

We are at the stage where he is open to the idea of ADHD, has spoken to his GP who has asked him to complete a questionnaire, which of course he has not done.

I have read the ADHD effect on marriage book by Melissa Orlav, like a PP mentioned. It is eye opening and gives you hope. There is also a great video of real life relationships and how they have got through it and resources on her website. www.adhdmarriage.com/

Feel free to PM me if you ever need someone to talk to and good luck xx

I read both books about ADHD and marriage/relationships by Melissa Orlov. It's a mirror to my marriage, both of them.

He's only now started taking this seriously, like I said. It will take months to get diagnosed, even privately, in our area. He's waiting. Then he'll have to start the meds. Then he'll have to be doing a lot of hard work. I read everywhere his libido will decrease and tbh there's no sex anyway and I feel destroyed. I can't not have sex, ever, because he's on meds. And I have major trust issues now, I don't know if his lies will stop on meds because he will regulate his emotions better or if he is a pathological liar.

I am so, so disappointed that as always he ignored me for far too long, procrastinated, stayed in denial, did fuck all frankly and now we've come to this stage where for me it finally feels like it is too late emotionally. It didn't have to come to this. I feel like a total mug, taken for granted and treated like an idiot even though my suggestions were perfectly valid. He ruined this marriage and I'm so, so upset. I've devoted so much for fucking nothing.

I really feel for you, my DH is very similarly. Mortally offended by any suggestions of ADHD. Shuts the conversation down and that’s it. It’s totally draining.

Another question...do inattentive ADHD people find it difficult to tell the truth if it's difficult or potentially leading to conflict that will need solving?

Diagnosed years ago and no, I have no issues telling the truth. I hate lying and try specifically to avoid situations where I'll need to tell lies.

Second question: does ADHD have negative impact on sex life (ADHD itself, not medication)?

Yes. Split with my first husband because of my out of control sex drive. Could easily have sex (well, an orgasm!) 4 or 5 times a day. It's like a quick hit of dopamine that I was always severely lacking. When I'm on medication I barely think about sex unless it's the normal time of the month or DP instigates it. Now I average once or twice a week like normal(?) folk.

His sex drive has been non existent for a while. To some extent it's due to me being pregnant several times in the last three years, miscarried a number of times, then had DC and I didn't want to have sex when pregnant with him. But he's nearly 1.5 now and DH instead resorted to following hot girls half my age on instagram. How insulting. He says he's depressed, ashamed of himself and that it didn't give him anything apart from a quick dopamine hit, he says it felt empty to him.

What he missed is that he's also emptied out our marriage, as if all the other issues weren't enough.

Everyone's exasperated with him now. MIL and FIL are totally with me, I've finally spoken to them, they offered to pay for his assessment and therapy. He was telling them white lies too, and even to his best friends (he doesn't have many as he's not great at cultivating relationships). MIL says he has always been an underachiever according to his teachers, could have gone further, but procrastinated before exams. She also says he's a people pleaser and has always avoided conflict, which ties in with my observations. What we didn't realise is that he took it as far as he did, lied to people to keep his inner peace. It's beyond infuriating. He seems to do it on impulse, for an easy life here and now. Zero thought about the consequences or what it does to people.

He doesn't want a divorce, suddenly he's doing everything possible to work on himself, all the right things he should have done ages ago.

I feel cut into pieces with all this, gaslighted for a long time that it was all in my head and he's totally fine, whereas I'm just difficult and have high standards. Once I've spoken to everyone else, it's all bullshit.

Oh, and he had low birth weight which is also a high risk factor for ADHD, as I've found out.

I am sad, disappointed, drained and torn. My life isn't better since we've separated because I didn't want to be single. I'm not enjoying it. I can't see a ģood way out of this going forward.