DH with Inattentive ADHD - Advice Please

[Berlioze]

Hi

I've NCd for this as it might be outing. I've been on here for a long time and read quite a few threads already, however I would like to ask for your opinions in respect of my personal circumstances.

I am mid-30s, DH is 40. For many years I've been wondering whether he has issues with his attention, comprehension, memory and communication. There have been countless miscommunications or failures to communicate on his part affecting me and third parties too (wider family, plumbers, builders, you name it).

He seems unable to prioritise tasks, can't see how to reach a goal (for example, he couldn't unpack the garage after we moved, he was so completely chaotic that he left it a bigger mess than it was to begin with - unable to think of the easiest, most sensible and efficient method IYSWIM).

He is not a completer-finisher, leaves tasks unfinished or cuts corners, so they are part finished and in the meantime he's created another job or two for someone else me to pick up, which he also fails to notice.

He generally doesn't pay attention to the world around him and doesn't join the dots. To me this is like lack of common sense or daydreaming. For example, wouldn't notice the dog's fur on the floor and think, oh I better mop/hoover tonight as our DC (who is crawling now) might pick it up otherwise.

He generally can't see things that are obvious to me, particularly chores. Can't organise himself at all. Doesn't seem to think they're his job and he needs to do them several times a week.

He is terrible with numbers and money management. I have to do it all because he just can't grasp it. I have no idea how he passed his GCSE, it's really basic stuff. He can't budget at all and was in debt previously.

He's a 100% people pleaser, would tell white lies/half truths only to keep the peace for himself and many a time this has eventually caused major rifts within the family in particular. He doesn't deal with conflict at all.

He can't plan or organise anything ahead, not even few days in advance, not to mention months or say, a holiday.

I left him to manage a number of things before and it ended up with a disaster and enormous stress, missed deadlines, financial hardship because he failed to fix bills/switch providers even after being asked and reminded.

He has lots of more or less fleeting interests that are frankly pretty impractical, he can quote lines from movies he watched only once but somehow has no space in the brain to check if our DC is strapped into the car seat properly. Many times DC wasn't and he just drove off.

He runs away from problems, doesn't see them, doesn't discuss them, doesn't solve them. He's terribly passive.

He wouldn't apply for a promotion or a new job unless with a lot of encouragement, or frankly, a big push many times over.

I could go on and on.

I am a capable person, a strong organiser and planner. I'm very good with numbers and generally have a lot of energy.

I've been with him for 10 years and obviously noticed these things, however I don't think I've realised the severity until around 5-ish years ago. I talked to him many times. Initially thought he was selfish, lazy, inattentive. I thought he'd work on himself. He tried, but ultimately reversed to his default is time.

Our DC arrived last year and this was a huge eye opener. Even though DH is undiagnosed, I am now certain he has inattentive ADHD. He has been like a deer in the headlights for nearly a year now, failed to prioritise DC or myself, even after my C section. I have always been expected to do everything like I used to despite now having a child to look after and my own recovery. He didn't offer to take anything off my plate, I've become totally invisible. When I finally had enough and told him to step up, he couldn't juggle working and running a house at all. Everything was messy and chaotic and he had no idea what to do. He didn't even think of making any plans for when my salary drops to SMP, I saved up for it. Not one question asked. He bought DC maybe 5-10 items in total, everything else was organised by me. He never even asked or initiated a discussion. He is still behaving like I'm never on his list of priorities and even our DC isn't quite there. He loves DC, but is a Disney dad, for lots of laughs and fun stuff but not to contact the nursery, not to arrange any health appointments, not to think about childcare arrangements when I'm back in work etc. No practicalities of looking after a child at all.

I'm in a demanding job, main earner and pretty much carry the full mental load for me, him and the household. And now I have DC to look after too.

I have now developed Generalised Anxiety Disorder as a result of this and also because I suffered multiple pregnancy losses before my DC was born, I also suffer from PTSD. But I am coping best I can and and am awaiting CBT. I want to be back to my healthy self and I know I can't fail my DC. I'm there for my little one.

I am at the point of filing for a divorce. I can't take anymore of this. I feel unloved, there were constant massive arguments (me yelling in desperation and nothing from him....if that's even an argument). It's toxic and no good for my DC or anyone.

It makes me really sad. I guess what I'm asking is perspectives from those of you with inattentive ADHD and spouses. Does anything work for you and what is it, if so? Is there anything at all that could improve and save the marriage? This is the last resort.

Thank you for listening.

@PuzzledObserver I gave the answer with regards to what he thinks in my second post.

Your post is very helpful because he could never put this into words like you did.

Of course I haven't grasped how an ADHD brain functions and I don't think I ever fully will, this can't be expected from an NT person in the same way you can't just switch to NT, as you said. That's why I'm asking these questions from my own perspective, this is the only one I have - apologies if they've made you angry. The part I have struggled to understand is why the attention strays and how much can be done by an ADHD person, if anything, to re-divert it where it should be.

I understand it's an illness, I am diabetic and have PTSD myself but I have been managing them in such a way that I'm living a normal life. What I cannot cope with is my DH's ways because they give me daily anxiety. It's like he switches off and diverts all the time, whereas I'm never allowed to switch off because I'm picking up the slack or firefighting for him. It's incredibly imbalanced.

He should get a diagnosis, an understanding of the condition, and preferably medication too (if he does have it)

You can have all the systems and understanding in the world but nothing will ever stop our dopamine being hoovered up too much apart from meds (again I stress if it IS adhd he has)

I recommend psychiatry uk, you can go private or nhs right to choose with them and its generally quicker than traditional nhs routes.

Download and fill in the ASRS form and hand to gp (if going nhs)

psychiatry-uk.com/right-to-choose/

I also recommend this playlist of videos by Dr Russell Barkley - generally considered the top researcher. It is about children but gives a broad and detailed understanding of what adhd is, the executive dysfunctions and more - and how debilitating it is and applies to adults as well

Do you love him? What are his good qualities?

Because from what you’ve posted here, he doesn’t seem to have any.

And you absolutely 100% cannot ‘fix’ a marriage if you can’t remember why you fell in love in the first place.

Resentment kills relationships and you are deep into that dynamic. You really might be better served by letting him Disney Dad every other weekend and sole parenting the rest of the time.

@Berlioze,

I went back and looked at your second post - unless there’s more than you’ve put there, then you have only suggested to him once that he might have ADHD and should get assessed. He didn’t do it, and you interpret that as him not caring about you. It almost certainly isn’t that. Maybe he didn’t take it in, has forgotten, it didn’t immediately strike him as applying to him - 101 reasons why he has not acted on your suggestion.

The attention strays because of neurotransmitter levels in the brain. He can’t change that any more than you can regulate your blood glucose without active management (type 1 or type 2? I have type 2).

The difference between his ADHD (if he has it) and your diabetes is that the condition itself makes it difficult for him to do the things that would help him cope.

I have to go and do something now - but I’ll check back later.

@PuzzledObserver I wrote a full paragraph about what he thinks, I have copied in below for reference.

In answer to your questions, he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. Whenever I query why he didn't do X despite being asked, reminded, asked again etc or why he's only part done it and created five other jobs for me in between, he'd just say he didn't intend to upset me and he doesn't know why. He just thinks he's easy going and I'm nagging. He even once told me I 'harrass' him to do stuff. I honestly felt like shooting myself then, I tell him he's an adult and he should notice things around him and just get on with it, I then point them out to him (effectively micromanage), despite really not wanting to do it (but otherwise he'd ignore them forever) and I get this response.

I have suggested several times he should go to the GP as I suspected something isn't 'right', but the fact he fits in with inattentive ADHD profile so closely has occurred to me more recently and that's why I've suggested once. Regardless, he's ignored all of these suggestions.

@Lubeyboobyalt & @Catgotyourbrain thank you, these are all very helpful suggestions. I didn't realise it's so hard to get assessed on the NHS, but this doesn't surprise me looking at how long my own assessments took.

It concerns me that everything would have to be done privately because of the cost. I am already paying for private counselling for myself, if we were to add his assessment and therapy plus baby expenses and the current cost of living then I don't know if we can stretch that far, in a sense there'd be absolutely no savings at all, not even very small.

DC is nearly 1 so too early to say anything I think? He's developing well, he's chatty, affectionate, curious, communicates a lot, smiles. No issues at all with mobility, no food aversions, nothing that would stand out, he's a delightful baby. I suppose that he never really liked daytime naps, but slept through the night for 12-13 hours quite early on. He did and still does nap during the day, but it was never longer than 30-45 mins a time. I appreciate ADHD runs in families a lot and DH's dad is similar to him too so I know there's a high chance here. Anything I should pay attention to in your experience?

There were also questions about DH's dyslexia. He reads a lot, but he's terrible with numbers and his handwriting is impossible to decipher too. He can't really draw things either and 3D or spatial imagination is not there at all. He is unable to, for example, draw a layout for a room or a house in 2D or 3D even if he was standing in that room/house. Again, never diagnosed with anything. Terrible with DYI too, can't build or repair anything himself and never focuses on any instructions either.

@NoSquirrels He is very witty, intrresting (wide range of interests), has a great sense of humour, he is more fun and creative than me for sure. I think he has a better ability to be present in the moment than me, he's content and relaxed about a lot of things - and to some extent I've always admired these qualities because I thought they'd balance me out. But over time, I've started questioning where his positive, laid back personality ends and where is the line between that and being extremely difficult to live a day-to-day life with. He is smart and this is part of the reason why I couldn't understand his ways, why are simple things difficult - that was always a question mark to me.

He used to be warmer and a lot more affectionate too, we had a great sex life for a few years, we've travelled together, enjoyed life, restsurants, theatres, all the good stuff. Used to jog together. We are different but we had a good life together. I've always overcompensated for him to some extent, but the older we get and since DC arrived, it's gone so much worse. Covid and new additional expenses killed the joy a lot too, in a sense we couldn't and still can't do many things we enjoyed doing together.

I think the latter frankly I've contributed to the fact he's more detached now because I've pulled him up repeatedly on his behaviours and he got withdrawn.

I completely admit that I feel nearly totally defeated and I am not convinced this marriage can be saved at all. I have no energy left to compensate at all or to manage some kind of reminder systems for him every day, I'm rushed off my feet all day as it is. I loved him a lot, I really did, but his actions and inactions have caused so much resentment that it's eroded the love over time.

Honestly also wondering about oldest child as well, they show a lot of the signs of how it manifests in girls (identifying as non binary at the moment like half the kids, bless 'em). They're generally pretty organised, on top of school work, but can be surprisingly careless about certain things; really really messy; accidentally breaks stuff a lot; prone to anxiety. We both were thinking the same thing and we both think it's not to an extent that needs any treatment per se, just something to be aware of.

This does leave me as the only person in the house who can find anything, which can be infuriating. Oldest this morning was desperately looking for something they needed before going on an overnight trip, I walked into their (filthy!) room, closed one of the four open drawers and there it was underneath that. It's like I am the only person who knows how to look under things or move objects in order to find something. DH can be looking at a surface and not see The Thing he's looking for, even though it's just sitting there!

2 years ago (when Covid hit and dc +dh were home A LOT) was when it became obvious about my dh. Strangely so as it did with ds 11.who is undergoing assessment..
Ds isn't dh's biological dc but they are absolutely 2 peas...
It is draining being the only functioning adult.

The ADHD brain is a pleasure-seeking brain. We are all wired to maximise pleasure, minimise pain, conserve energy but the ADHD brain has a dopamine deficiency so is programmed to seek more
For me I have to psyche myself up every day just to be normal. Eg I get in the car I tell myself “focus!”. If I have to complete an admin task I find it almost painful to begin-it causes me huge anxiety. I actually feel fear. Like in 5 minutes I’m going to have to do a bank transfer and I’m dreading it. Why? I can’t explain

@LHommeRose That's a very helpful way of putting it, at least to me. I can only guess the intensity or frequency of these feelings must be different for you than for me as tbh I have these thoughts about things I can't be arsed to do and I think that's my natural tendency to procrastinate in some areas that we all experience. My brain knows that if I keep postponing I'll get pissed off with myself eventually, so I sometimes postpone a task several times but then I have stern words with myself finally and just get it off my list. I hate things hanging over my head too much whereas DH seems oblivious to the fact they are over his head and that this affects people around him.

You sound so contemptuous and resentful; I think it's a lost cause.

Surprised you chose to have a child with someone you consider to be such a loser.

@KosherDill

You sound so contemptuous and resentful; I think it's a lost cause.

Surprised you chose to have a child with someone you consider to be such a loser.

That's a very unkind thing to say to someone who is completely worn out after 10 years and yet is still looking for some hope. I hope you feel better for offering that kick right now, thanks a lot.

Perhaps if you lost multiple pregnancies over the years like me and ended up in your mid-30s married and still hoping to have a baby you could preach to me in that regard too. Otherwise, please keep your nastiness to yourself as you've no idea. I can provide for my perfectly well on my own as well, which is what I am seriously considering, will you now bash me for considering being a divorced mother or what's your next step?

I'm so sorry OP. Why the fuck did you marry him? Was he better before?

The fact he can't see it is frightening. His lack of awareness is classic.

My closest friend thinks her son has ADD. He's at least acknowledged done traits and started a referral.

"You have summed up my husband completely. It's ruined our relationship completely. He can't ever change and honestly I just resent everything about him now after years of this."

Wammawink I'm sorry but why did you marry your husband. Why did you not spot these problems before?

It's not nastiness to wonder why a person with such a long list of grievances would stay married let alone deliberately conceive a child with someone who can't lead daily life up to her standards. Seems like a recipe for massive unhappiness.

@Berlioze and numerous others. You are essentially being Ableist.

ADHD is a neurological condition, can't be cured, usually needs to be managed.

There's stuff he simply isn't capable of doing to the standards of people who are neurotypical, what's he good at?

He will likely have been bashed over the head with this his whole life, constant messaging that he's useless.

He needs pushing towards diagnosis and support. DWP can help work wise once he has a diagnosis through Access to Work.

Completely disagree Sertraline.
He's so closed minded, he can't be supported.

I recommend the podcast ADHD for Smart Ass Women. It really helped me. I think it is important to recognise how important emotional state is when trying to get things done. And also how debilitating shame is. When someone reminds you to do something it is like they are reminding you of every time you have ever failed.

We also don't process information as well so when people are telling us things it can overload our brains. Mine feels like it is a pressure cooker if someone is trying to explain logistics to me.

He's a 100% people pleaser, would tell white lies/half truths only to keep the peace for himself and many a time this has eventually caused major rifts within the family in particular. He doesn't deal with conflict at all.

Thus is absolutely screaming at me about my DH! I've been with him nearly 20 years and we work together too. I have for a few years suspected he might not be NT and then I heard a radio programme about Adult ADHD last year and it was like a penny dropping. (DH was present when the radio was on but because he was focusing on work he was completely unable to hear it)

I swear instead of getting on with my own jobs I spend about 75% of the time helping him look looking for things for him (half started tasks, pieces of paper that he's written instructions on etc) and taking calls from clients who he gave completely unrealistic timescales to, and trying to placate them/make excuses why their work isn't done! When he speaks to clients I hear him agree to a demand that is completely unworkable. Instead of saying "i can't do it by Friday but I will have done by next Wednesday" he will agree to Friday.Then make it more stressful for us both when the client calls Friday/Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday morning to check if its done!!

Some great advice on this thread op, but this starts and ends with him ... at the end of the day, if he won't visit the doctor then he is a lost close. ADHD needs to be diagnosed and treated.

There are a lot of things that can help ADHD, but if he doesn't want to try then you have your answer. I wouldn't accept it in your shoes. It's not fair to you.

[quote Berlioze]@PuzzledObserver I wrote a full paragraph about what he thinks, I have copied in below for reference.

In answer to your questions, he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. Whenever I query why he didn't do X despite being asked, reminded, asked again etc or why he's only part done it and created five other jobs for me in between, he'd just say he didn't intend to upset me and he doesn't know why. He just thinks he's easy going and I'm nagging. He even once told me I 'harrass' him to do stuff. I honestly felt like shooting myself then, I tell him he's an adult and he should notice things around him and just get on with it, I then point them out to him (effectively micromanage), despite really not wanting to do it (but otherwise he'd ignore them forever) and I get this response.

I have suggested several times he should go to the GP as I suspected something isn't 'right', but the fact he fits in with inattentive ADHD profile so closely has occurred to me more recently and that's why I've suggested once. Regardless, he's ignored all of these suggestions.[/quote]
I get that you have asked/reminded him many times to do things or asked him why he hasn’t done them. But if you did that without the possible context of ADHD, it does just feel like nagging to him. It’s pointless to keep on doing it. When he tells you he didn’t notice or doesn’t know why he didn’t do something, he’s telling you the truth. When you tell him he should notice things and just do them, you are telling him to do something which, to a greater or lesser degree, he is not capable of doing.

I grew up constantly being told to tidy my room, do my chores, and being told that I was lazy or deliberately doing things badly to avoid being asked to do them again. None of that was true, but the accusation hurts, and I internalised a sense of being useless. And then I become defensive. I have degrees in two completely different subjects, have held down two demanding careers, never been in serious debt or trouble with the law…. but because some aspects of organisation elude me, I have underperformed the potential which my intellect and education should have given me, plus I feel like I let people down all the time. None of that is fun to live with.

My suggestion would be to continue to inform yourself about ADHD - as you are doing on here - and then sit down and talk to him about what you’ve found. Maybe the lightbulb will go off and he will be ready to seek a diagnosis. Don’t forget the NHS Right to Choose option, it would almost certainly be quicker than pure NHS, but also free.

Thank you @PuzzledObserver and @tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict.

In response to some pretty judgemental posts about me and him.

I listed examples of his behaviours which I observed repeatedly over the years. They are difficult to deal with, but they weren't listed as grievances but rather as an illustration of what he is like and why I am positive this is inattentive ADHD, undiagnosed as yet.

It's really not about meeting my standards, it's about doing his share which every partner in every relationship needs to do, otherwise it will crumble.

I don't think he's closed off to the idea on purpose either, he isn't a bad person. I think it's perhaps frightening and he's possibly in denial at 40 and if I'm the only person picking up on these things and saying get assessed. He somehow survived all these years and no one sent him for any assessments before so he's probably taken aback. I do have some empathy left in me, I am upset he still hasn't pursued this, but I can also to some extent see why. What I'm trying to understand is if a diagnosis, meds, therapy will actually help on a permanent basis - and many of you who live with it provided very useful responses.

I really do not believe anyone marries someone thinking X is an idiot, I'll divorce him. I do not think DH is an idiot and never have. I never wanted to get divorced either until things have been piled up on me and made my life extremely difficult.

Obviously I wasn't blind to the fact he has never been a massively ambitious person, that he's too laid back frequently, that he isn't a planner or a finance manager. But I am strong in all of these areas and fof many years I had enough energy and time to deal with them. Sadly, my own unexpected health troubles and the arrival of DC rocked the boat and it's not possible for me to take on more, he has to do it, but he is struggling, in every aspect. He cannot take anything off my plate, that's the reality. Years ago I thought he'd work on it, and he tried, but it didn't work. Then everyone around me said, watch when you have DCs, he'll step up, he'll have no choice. I had so much faith in him but unfortunately, this hasn't materialised. So please refrain from unfair judgements. I loved this man for a reason, for many reasons, some of which I mentioned earlier up the thread. Maybe some of this love is left. Maybe this marriage can be saved. Maybe not. The whataboutery of 'why did you marry him and had kids' is awfully unhelpful.

@Sweetandsaltycaroline I had a similar lightbulb moment, I actually wrote down the things he does that I struggle to understand, then started googling the combination of them and there was an article in The ADDitude that came up and my jaw dropped when I read it. Then the more I read, the more I realised just how much he fits the profile.

I also said earlier he has a job, he never struggled to hold it, not sure why DWP suggestion has been put forward?

I don't wish to hijack the thread, and I hope that it is bringing some help to you, Berlioze, but I just wanted to say to Puzzled Observer how helpful I have found your posts - I have a daughter with ADHD and much of what you describe rings a bell and is clarifying. Thank you.