I am terrified of flying and I've agreed to do it.. Which was STUPID

[Electricmouse]

I have been petrified of flying since I was a teenager.
'luckily' I have no particular interest in going abroad. I love England, am not interested in travelling anywhere outside of it, I love my minibreaks in the UK, it isn't an issue for me I'm boring I suppose .

I've been with my girlfriend roughly two years.

She had a holiday booked when I met her and wanted to add me onto it but I said no. I did express that I was in a way, wishing I'd have said yes, but in all honesty I was at peace with my decision.

Anyway fast forward to a few months ago and I am persuaded into saying yes to going on holiday for a week with her in September.

Last time this happened different situation and people, I did it, but I did not enjoy it. It was just about bearable but the whole time I half wanted to go home and half was dreading the flight back home. I vowed to never go abroad again, as soon as we touched down in England the relief was indescribable.

The main issue is the flight. I HATE flying. I am terrified of it. I hear about crashes and problems and I can't help but ponder over what an awful death that would be. The whole thing will have me terrified to the point I probably won't be able to speak. Last time I ended up in a panic, sitting in the air hostesses quarters breathing into a handkerchief and almost crying.

If I loved being abroad, I may try to get some sort of treatment for it, or just put up with my phobia, but because I honestly couldn't care less about being abroad, it isn't usually an issue at all. Kind of like being terrified of sharks, not going to be an issue unless for some reason you love swimming in shark infested waters.

But I love her, and I felt it isn't fair and I need to get over myself and go so I stupidly said yes.

Tonight she's been messaging me (we don't live together) as she's booking flights and asking for my input on seating options and airports etc and I panicked. I told her I don't even like to talk about it. At one point I had to drop the phone mid-text and run off as I felt I was going to be sick.

I've made a mistake I know.

The flight is 99% of the issue but if it was somewhere I really wanted to go with her for a romantic and/or interesting experience, I could possibly deal with it, but it isn't, It's an all-inclusive resort with a bunch of her friends and family, who are absolutely lovely people both the adults and the children but.... Well I don't know.

This could become a major issue couldn't it? She likes her cheap holidays abroad. I can't think of anything worse :(

Then again my Dad hates flying and him and my Mum have been together for decades, she goes abroad with other people and leaves him at home so maybe?

I feel so terrible to be even considering letting her down. I'd just repay her all the money and stay at home where I feel safe.

I am a total 'stick in the mud' aren't I. And pathetic.
Help. (Even if to tell me how stupid I've been to agree to this, I know)!

I have a fear of flying. My friend lent me a copy of "Face the fear and do it anyway" which made me realise that I didn't want to miss out on travelling abroad (nor my kids).

I've had a prescription for diamezepan from my GP but it doesn't do a lot. I'm sure it's not really recommended but I find a few drinks in the airport does the trick. Takes the edge off the fear so that I can manage.

I don't mind take off, I like landing (as my ordeal is nearly over!) but I really don't like turbulence. But I've learnt to control It enough to get on the plane. I flew back from Europe yesterday and felt ok. I've managed to fly a fair few long haul flights, although I'm always glad when I'm back on the ground.

I know it can feel really frightening but I think you just have to trust that you'll cope. And I'd really hate not to be able to travel abroad.

Nothing helpful to say really, just that I totally empathise. I don’t think I’m as scared of flying as you are but I really don’t enjoy it. I hate everything about it, particularly the faffing about at the airport for hours before you even get in the plane and then the anxiety over who you’re essentially going to be locked up with for hours on end thousands of feet in the sky, no thanks. I also like it here there are so many things to see and do.

I really don't like flying however I had a child in my class whose mother was cabin crew. We used to have her rotas so we knew who was collecting her child on what day etc. It sort of calmed me down as I realised that to her it was just a job and something she did week in week out with out any concerns.

Tbh this fear of yours is so strong that I can't believe your gf is happy with you putting yourself through this for a (let's face it) run of the mill couple of weeks! Does she know how bad it is for you?! I'd never dream of making my bf do something that terrifies him this much.
If you have no burning desire to travel abroad then why worry?! Perfectly good holidays exist in the uk and Europe imo!

There are many places in Europe you can reach by train. Almost all of Spain, France, much of Italy. Is this an option for the intended destination?

I agree with this. I hate flying with a passion. I know all the statistics about safety and even understand the science behind flight - but I simply hate the sensation. I have been in a plane 4 times and hated it every time.

It is not a problem for me. I enjoy my holidays in UK; and travel to Europe by train and tunnel or ferry. I have no desire to go further afield. So for me it simply is a non-problem.

If you are hoping this relationship might last, you need to have a frank conversation with GF, because it is not just about hating flying, it is also about hating the kind of holiday she likes - that is quite a big personality and preference difference, so you need to think about the impact of that in the long term.

I am getting the impression that you are a "pleaser", very worried about how your GF will react if you don't go, wondering about her reaction and I sense a fear in you that she might disappear or find someone else if you don't do something that you really don't want to do!

It is not the end of the world if you don't go on a week long holiday with her this time. She has family with her. She also seems very dismissive of your fears, and should be more understanding. Lastly, I would also detest an AI type pool holiday so I completely understand that. Everyone is different, and each to their own. Sorry for the judgmental tone.

I would explain that I am not going this time, but hope they all have a ball, then collapse in a heap of relief, both for not having to fly and not having to go on a type of holiday I detest. Stand up for yourself!

For future trips, you could both compromise. Arrange to go somewhere that is accessible by ferry/train and meet up there. It is not that unusual, and it can be done.

Best of luck OP. Don't make your life difficult by catering to your GF's demands and whims.

Hypnotherapy. I was cured in one session.

OP- I totally get it. I have a terrible fear of flying. I did a Virgin Atlantic 'Flying Without Fear Course' to conquer it. It involved a 1 hour flight at the end of the weekend which I managed. I understood all the safety stats etc and why it's safe. Unfortunately that didn't help when I went on another flight (thinking I was cured) and hit bad turbulence. For me it is definitely about feeling out of control. I can't do big fairground rides/rollercoasters or drive on the motorway either! I haven't flown for 12 years. I just can't do it.

My husband flies all over the world for work. Getting on a plane is like hopping on a train for him, so he struggles to understand why I can't fly. However, he accepts this and we find alternative ways of travelling. You can go to some amazing places by train, boat and car.

Xanax was a game changer for me.
I have always disliked flying, despite having to do it. I would be anxious for days beforehand.
It got much worse after the menopause.
I mentioned it to my GP who gave out to me for not telling him earlier.
He gave me Xanax and I never looked back!

So wish I had done it years ago.

Apologies for not coming back to my thread before, I’ve just been really busy.

I do need to ask myself some questions, agreed cocogreen. I am answering those in my head and the truth is I don’t want to overcome the phobia, because I never want to fly, ever. It may be that these are insurmountable incompatibilities. But having typed that if someone could wave a magic wand and I could forget I ever had this phobia, and I could fly happily that would be better!
I’m looking into hypnotherapy, have emailed a few places. Again, somewhat resentfully as I wisj I’d have never put myself in this position in the first place. Or wish she’d never asked me but that’s silly I realise, of course she wants her girlfriend with her, all her friends and family are coupled up.
@margaretmatcher Regarding her not calling me back/not being there when I’ve been upset (even discounting this time about this issue, one time in particular she did this and it was something really quite serious), I spoke to her about this over the weekend and said that each time she does it, it really hurts me and the only ways around it I can think of is we split, or I change the way I feel about her. Regardless of anyone else’s opinion, that is a big issue for me is that, I don’t want an uncaring partner.
She told me eventually after a lot of discussion that she does shut off when partners are upset, for fear of being shouted at or subjected to verbal abuse. I’ve told her I’d never do that (which is 100% true) I would just want a few minutes of her time, and her going to bed is extremely hurtful to me.
I will hope it doesn’t happen again, as that may be a deal breaker for me, flight or no flight.
@etulosba I hate amusement park rides/rollercoasters too.
@ragwort that’s another factor isn’t it. Does she think I’ll enjoy it despite telling her I won’t? Is she happy to subject me to a terrifying ordeal? I am trying to place myself in her shoes but I can’t think of anything comparable. There’s nothing I love that she hates that I’d make her do… I’ve tried to get her to come to some classes with me but she’s said no and that was it, not a good comparison either.
@sicparvismagna I would happily do holidays not involving a flight, anytime. You’ve made the point about UK cities though (we haven’t always visited cities, we’ve stayed in the back of beyond a few times too!) but to me, going to somewhere like Spain and sitting around a pool with a load of other British people is no different to being in this country either. Other than a bit warmer I suppose. And more boring as I won’t have anything interesting to do. I am planning on taking a lot of books! I go running a lot but not sure I’d dare to do it while there.

@purpleboy I may look into CBT too. I can get that through my work. Going to have a look at LoveFly too, thank you
Your fear sounds similar to mine, definitely lack of control. No autonomy on a flight, everything is in the hands of someone I’ve never met. I am sorry for the experience you went through, and to be honest you’ve made me think about things like that in my life that may have shaped this fear as well.
Apologies, I am a gay woman. I should have specified that in the OP perhaps.
@sallyWD if I do do this I am DETERMINED to never do it again . Good for you that it became easier though 😊 I’ve researched a lot about how planes work, mechanics of such and physics. Didn’t help for more than a few minutes.
@mugglemadness thank you for answering. My first flight was also with my grandparents (that holiday was awful though, I was so lonely and bored and just wanted to go home).

Thank you for empathising, as I’ve said hopefully that issue has been ironed out now, with feeling alone and uncared for. I’m not often upset or ‘in need’ of her as such but now and again It’s inevitable.
I got a reaction to ‘wanting to go and play in the clouds’, that scared me a lot reading that! (Idiotic, I realise).
I wonder if I can try to trick myself into loving flying somehow.
@quartz2208 interesting question. When I were 15, my grandparents really wanted to take me abroad as I’d never been. I went along with it, didn’t have much choice. It was 2 weeks in Spain. I was quite a quiet teen and I had only just got myself a group of friends and I really missed them, felt really awkward, was too young to enjoy any nightlife with my grandparents in the hotel or local clubs etc, but too old to be good for child entertainment so it was quite boring and I feel so mean typing that. I was so, so pleased when we finally got back. So happy. It caused a big family rift though. I got told off for not talking to my Grandfather enough (he was a surly character who made me quite nervous) and my Dad fell out with me over that, me and my Dad were never friendly anyway, he was a terrifying figure to me growing up and he told me I’d broken my Grandad’s heart… I won’t go into the rest but it wasn’t a nice time.

When I was 18 my Dad said he’d go on holiday with my Mum, and actually got off the plane as they were boarding it. So she asked me to fly out to be with her as she didn’t want to be out there alone. It was quite scary, I was nervous about going but knew I had to be there for my Mum. I got picked up at the airport by a taxi my Mum had arranged and he got lost and it took hours. I had a holiday romance there which was in hindsight, very wrong and caused me a lot of emotional issues following it.. I could go on-I don’t think there’s a link and It’s never occurred to me before, what do you think?
@shehasadiamondinthesky I’ll get right on that what an experience to tell people though! I will definitely go to the GP about it.

@boodlebugs51 I know I’ve been extremely silly, trust me on that ☹
@abc4321 I do not plan on getting on the plane sober, at all. I won’t get ‘drunk’ but I’ll definitely not be sober. I just couldn’t. ☹ I think that’s the difference of your last point, I just don’t really hate the thought of never travelling abroad. It doesn’t bother me at all. Although I’d happily do it without a flight involved, if flight was the only option I’d live without it happily.
@mackmama thank you, that’s how I feel too.
@whitecushion that’s helped me slightly in the past. I know a few cabin crew members, it is just a job isn’t it, they don’t think any more of it than I do doing my job.
@orlandointhewilderness she knows because I’ve told her but I don’t think she understands. She hasn’t asked me any questions about my fear. Just ‘you’ll be fine’. Not really something she’s interested in discussing and I can’t make her ☹
@balalake not for this one as there’s about 10 people going. I’ve paid for the flights although to be honest I am now tempted to say I’ll look into getting there by train.
@mischance I am like that too. It isn’t an issue for me at all personally. We like the same sorts of UK holidays. I am not sure she even particularly likes going with her family to be honest-I think that’s why she wants me there!

@Electricmouse you poor thing I just want to give you a hug reading that.

Your holidays sound awful - there is certainly enough there to trigger a response in anyone simply not to want to do it again. And the easiest way to avoid that is to not fly. I would say that yes those experiences are at least a factor in all of this.

I would say that the only way through maybe therapy to overcome some of it because I suspect it is linked.

Thank you for that @Quartz2208 , I am definitely looking into therapy for it.
I still feel sad about the first one especially. I just wasn't comfortable with it at all but they really wanted to and they realised quickly it was a bad idea, which almost made it worse. On the first night my grandmother sort of admitted this, it felt very awkward.

I am looking at the eurostar but I don't think It's doable. :(

I hate flying. Absolutely terrified. On the rare occasions I do fly my GP prescribes 4 - 6 diazepam. Helps a treat!! I think this is something most GPs will do?

I know how you feel, I start to feel edgy the week before I fly. I'm that person nervously checking the weather forecast to see if there's any storms or high winds.

But each time is a bit better than the last. We're fortunate enough to fly in business (mostly using airmiles from our credit card) and, ridiculously, that makes me feel less nervous. I think because you're less squished in and the food and drink is a nice distraction.

The train is a really good option if you like holidays in the Alps. We've just had a week's skiing in Switzerland and, thanks to BA's uselessness, I think we might take the train next year. It's two hours to Paris and another three to Geneva. We've also taken the Friday night overnight sleeper train to the Alps until SNCF scrapped it.

There's lots of nice places in Europe you can visit on the train. Or Jersey where you basically take off and then immediately start descending to land!

I used to be very frightened of flying - to the sort of level where I'd feel tense for weeks leading up to it, spend most of the time in the airport on the toilet (TMI sorry), burst into tears as soon as they started playing the safety video on the plane, sit motionless throughout the flight dreading the landing because that's the part I dislike most...etc. I have got quite a bit better over the years, these are the things that have helped me:

• You probably won't want to try this one but the thing that's helped me most is flying more often; I got a job which (pre-covid) involved me flying abroad maybe three times a year and the more I did it the more I managed to normalise it. I think part of the fear for me was precisely because it was an unusual and rare event, so fear of the unknown. I'm actually a bit worried as I now haven't flown since 2019 so suspect I will have gone backwards
• Read a few books, I remember Take The Fear Out Of Flying was one of them; the messages do start to go in if you read them often enough
• Personally alcohol doesn't help me at all before a flight, it just hypes me up and makes me feel sick. Water and peppermints, I don't eat on the plane either
• I keep a hairband round my wrist and ping it hard every time I have a negative thought once I'm on the plane, it helps stop the thought and it doesn't get the chance to spiral too much
• I know all the stats about it being the safest form of travel start to feel a bit meaningless because even though you know they're true it's hard to really "feel" it. One fact that has helped me a bit though is finding out that pilots don't get any kind of special provision in terms of life insurance or anything like that (as is the case for some dangerous jobs), which I found kind of comforting
• This sounds mental, but one thing I tend to do is look round the plane when I get on and think "can I imagine every single one of these people dying today?"... you can usually find at least one person who looks really unlikely to die

Good luck - I think you should do it and maybe in future you might start to relax a fraction about it. I never used to be that fussed about travel either but it's amazing how much more enthusiastic you get about it when you aren't so terrified of flying any more (though I still can't see me ever getting to Australia).

I'm with all the people suggesting drugs to be honest. I'm not sure why some people are so anti drugs in these situations.

I have a complete and total fear of public speaking. I spent the first 20 years of my career living in total fear of these situations. I let it stop me going for promotions for positions that required more public speaking. I let it rule me for so so long.

Then the day came where my worst fears were realised. I HAD to present to a room of 40 people. I didn't stop worrying about this for months. In the end I got prescribed beta blockers from the GP.

Took one on the way to the presentation, the fear honestly feel away from me like taking off a coat. I walked in there and actually did something I never ever thought I could do.

And then because I'd seen myself do it once - and that was the thing before I could never ever visualise myself doing it - but once I'd seen myself do it once I was able to do it again and again with no drugs at all. Don't get my wrong I have to practise and practise and practise again but I can do it. I'm still nervous but I'm not terrified of it anymore.

Take the drugs. It's a game changer.

I am not convinced drugs are the answer in this case. I think it is was definitely just the idea of flying and that @Electricmouse wanted to go on the holiday then drugs are absolutely the way forward.

Electricmouse I really do think you need to unpick the whole thing as forcing yourself on a flight without properly getting to the heart of this I think could be detrimental. I am not sure you are quite ready for the holiday side of it either.

Last time I ended up in a panic, sitting in the air hostesses quarters breathing into a handkerchief and almost crying.

Was this when you were 18 - all alone and recovering from the effects of a holiday and the whole thing feeds into a complete lack of control

I take CBD sweets for this now which takes the edge off. I can't take proper sleeping tables as fly with kids now. It's pretty scary still but makes me not scream and cry 😂.

Also telling someone it's the safest form of transport is so fucking unhelpful 😂😂😂. Like we know that!! phobias are irrational (even tho being scared of plummeting 35000 ft to certain death isn't really irrational to me).

I think that alot of the fear of flying is the lack of control. I've got friends who are frightened. What I do is explain what happening for example, "oh my god what's that noise?". "Its the wheels going up".

My friends prefer the window seat so they can talk about what they see which takes their mind of it.

Take it in baby steps. Getting to the gate, then getting on the plane, then getting in your seat. Like a soothing baby steps mantra.

Maybe sit closest to the doors? Maybe take a xanax just to soothe you?

I am definitely going to get some ‘drugs’ for this flight.
Thanks @abc4321, I am going to look into other options for future holidays.
@Clementine183 yes, I hear you on how that may be helpful! It becomes ‘normal’ then whereas dor most people It’s a once or twice a year thing, no time to get used to it (and for me obviously even less frequent).

I’ve got the ‘soar’ book. I am going to start reading it tonight shortly.
Exactly-I know the stats and the ‘science’ behind flying, I’m not an idiot-I get so fed up of hearing that sort of thing, it isn’t helpful. I can only imagine telling an aracnophobe that spiders can’t kill them-they KNOW that!
But that fact about pilots and insurance is definitely something I’ve never considered before, thank you. I don’t think your last tip is mad either. I’ve thought (similarly) on previous flights ‘none of these people are scared. They know there’s nothing to be scared of’. It kind of helps, until I remember nobody involved in a crash was scared before they realised it was happening, either .
@dotty81 well done for overcoming that fear. I like the ‘taking a coat off’ analogy.
If I do this flight I will get something from the GP if I can @quartz2208, BUT I agree with you, and thank you for your empathy. I do need to unpick this, perhaps with a therapist.
No, that time was the last time I flew, about 10 years ago. Another thing that will bother me this time is I won’t ‘dare’ do what I did and speak to cabin crew. That time, I was flying with someone I knew through work, who wanted a break and so came with me, but my purpose of that ‘holiday’ was going to ‘rescue’ a friend who was having a very bad time working out in Greece. Her husband (who I were close to) couldn’t get there and begged me to go stay with her for a bit. I did that trip through a duty I felt, but we (me and colleague) were sitting apart, and he was distracted/not paying much attention to me and I just was so terrified, and before I really even realised what I was doing I just got up and spoke to the cabin crew and they took me into their quarters. I don’t think that could happen this time, as I’ll be with all her friends and family, including children and I just don’t want them to see it.

Having typed that I didn’t even realise I’d done it last time before I had! If that makes any sense. And yes I was really bad that time, I don’t know that I had a panic attack but perhaps I did.

I do need to unpick it don’t I. I’d have never have thought it was to do with things that have happened abroad. I've never enjoyed holidays-the only other time I flew, my Mum very kindly took me to Turkey and much as it was a great holiday in terms of things said and done, I still was petrified on the flights, and I still was just dying to just get back home. I sometimes wish I was just ‘normal’

@mnnewbie111 quite! SO unhelpful.

@user1471538283 Oh god I would DIE if I looked out of the window, I just simply couldn’t. Sitting closer to the doors so I could jump out? I’d be worried they’d pop open and Id get sucked out like that woman it happened to some years back ☹

@dotty81 - I’m not anti-drugs, but the op should be aware that it is getting harder to access the kind of medication that is effective in these situations so setting yourself up to rely on it is a bad idea IMO. I used to be prescribed a packet of Valium @ 10 years ago with guidance as to the maximum I could take in a given period. The limit was always a bit higher than what I actually needed. I’d then use them up over a number of journeys. Now, before every single trip I must talk the GP (same GP as before btw!) through the flight lengths and am given the exact number they are comfortable giving - I got 4x 2mg tablets for a long haul return flight earlier this year, which is absolutely useless. So I save them up until something like turbulence hits as if I do what I used to - take a tablet or two before I get on the plane to calm myself and then top up later if needed - the effect is over by the time I get really anxious and I can’t get a drink either as it’s still in my system.

You can search threads on mn on this topic and see posters who have been refused Valium altogether, as well as gps saying very adamantly they would never prescribe it for this.

As for Xanax, not available from a UK gp I don’t think? Or not without a private prescription.

All in all, these medications used to be a great, easy solution, but are now becoming a source of stress in themselves for many of us. Effectively, I have to grovel to get any - without looking desperate as that would be a red flag - only to be prescribed an amount that is barely more than a placebo. I was sternly warned that I could not have more last time as I might be unresponsive in an emergency. Hilarious, since the most I’ve ever achieved is anxious, but calm as opposed to being in a state of terror escalating to panic whenever the plane wobbles. Definitely no deep sleep!

@Electricmouse have you opened up to your OH about all of this. Because if you have she should be supportive of you trying to figure it out and not trying too hard to push you. Because you shouldnt feel ashamed stupid or embarrassed about this and she should support you to getting therapy to unpick this.

Dont rush it though - I think if you go too hard too fast on this it wont helpp

@SpotALeopard that's worrying, thank you for the heads up. I'm sorry it happened that way for you :(

I will have a look for some threads. And yes I hear you on 'begging' but not desperate. That would be stressful for me too.

@Quartz2208 yes. I have always been clear but I think she actually gets it now.
Last night she videocalled me and we had an in depth chat about things. She's admitted that she didn't realise how upset I was but does now (I was quite emotional when she rang as I was in the middle of reading the 'SOAR' book and it had touched quite close to home). She said she'd not seen me so upset before, so although she believed me that I was scared of flying, it hadn't 'gone in'. She told me she doesn't think about the flight at all other than being worried about travel sickness (which she does get) and then doesn't think about the flight back until the day before when she has to pack etc, it simply isn't an issue for her so she didn't comprehend my feelings on it at all.

We also spoke extensively about her 'bowing out' any time I've needed any sort of emotional support from her. She's looking into therapy, and admits she knew how it made me feel, but had done it repeatedly because she was too afraid to admit that she was just 'conditioned' to think I'd shout at her, from a previous toxic relationship. I raise my voice (apart from when joking or when absolutely necessary) about once a year if that, I am not a 'shouty' or 'loud' person at all.

I was also having a proper think, and one of my earliest memories (80s) was a regular news reporting of a plane crash. I remember the faces of old people desperately trying to find their way about in the dark, and a young woman lying on the floor screaming her head off in what I assume was pain or shock or both.

I wonder if that's something to do with it.

I also remember my Father (for some RANDOM reason) in the sitting room one night trying to make a list of all the people he knew who had died in air crashes, and me being SO proud of myself (aged about 5) of remembering that I knew Jim Croce had died in one!

And lastly (just remembered this now) a listing of people who'd died in a particular plane crash being read out on the TV or radio, I forget which, and my Mum going 'Oh no! Joe Bloggs!!' and my Dad being very sad and saying to me 'Mummy and Daddy knew that Mister!' I think that may have been the prelude to my Dad making the list actually. But I can't remember.