I am terrified of flying and I've agreed to do it.. Which was STUPID

[Electricmouse]

I have been petrified of flying since I was a teenager.
'luckily' I have no particular interest in going abroad. I love England, am not interested in travelling anywhere outside of it, I love my minibreaks in the UK, it isn't an issue for me I'm boring I suppose .

I've been with my girlfriend roughly two years.

She had a holiday booked when I met her and wanted to add me onto it but I said no. I did express that I was in a way, wishing I'd have said yes, but in all honesty I was at peace with my decision.

Anyway fast forward to a few months ago and I am persuaded into saying yes to going on holiday for a week with her in September.

Last time this happened different situation and people, I did it, but I did not enjoy it. It was just about bearable but the whole time I half wanted to go home and half was dreading the flight back home. I vowed to never go abroad again, as soon as we touched down in England the relief was indescribable.

The main issue is the flight. I HATE flying. I am terrified of it. I hear about crashes and problems and I can't help but ponder over what an awful death that would be. The whole thing will have me terrified to the point I probably won't be able to speak. Last time I ended up in a panic, sitting in the air hostesses quarters breathing into a handkerchief and almost crying.

If I loved being abroad, I may try to get some sort of treatment for it, or just put up with my phobia, but because I honestly couldn't care less about being abroad, it isn't usually an issue at all. Kind of like being terrified of sharks, not going to be an issue unless for some reason you love swimming in shark infested waters.

But I love her, and I felt it isn't fair and I need to get over myself and go so I stupidly said yes.

Tonight she's been messaging me (we don't live together) as she's booking flights and asking for my input on seating options and airports etc and I panicked. I told her I don't even like to talk about it. At one point I had to drop the phone mid-text and run off as I felt I was going to be sick.

I've made a mistake I know.

The flight is 99% of the issue but if it was somewhere I really wanted to go with her for a romantic and/or interesting experience, I could possibly deal with it, but it isn't, It's an all-inclusive resort with a bunch of her friends and family, who are absolutely lovely people both the adults and the children but.... Well I don't know.

This could become a major issue couldn't it? She likes her cheap holidays abroad. I can't think of anything worse :(

Then again my Dad hates flying and him and my Mum have been together for decades, she goes abroad with other people and leaves him at home so maybe?

I feel so terrible to be even considering letting her down. I'd just repay her all the money and stay at home where I feel safe.

I am a total 'stick in the mud' aren't I. And pathetic.
Help. (Even if to tell me how stupid I've been to agree to this, I know)!

Ok, I’m so scared of flying just reading this thread makes me incredibly anxious and I can’t even contemplate doing a ‘Fear of Flying’ course because maybe then I’d feel safe enough to fly and then what if I was in a plane crash? I know it’s irrational, I know statistically flying is very safe, but I simply can’t face the thought of getting on a plane.

I couldn’t take drugs to calm myself enough to fly because I know the whole holiday would be torture as I would spend it worrying about the trip home. I do go abroad on holiday though, I love boats and ferries and am happy to drive long distances as I think the journey is an important part of travelling.

I really don’t see the point of going on a holiday that you are not going to enjoy and you need to have a proper discussion with your girlfriend about this, but be prepared for her not to understand. People tend to be quite dismissive over a fear of flying and think it’s something you can just breeze past - ‘once you are on the plane you’ll be ok’, ‘it’s only a few hours’ etc

It would be - and has been - a deal breaker for me.

You need to decide what your decision is if it's a deal breaker (without necessarily making it one).

Imagine to yourself it is a deal breaker to her, what is your response?

Make your decision based on this rather than pushing her to decide if it is a deal breaker to her.

This way there should be no residual resentment.

@QueenCarrot

Ok, I’m so scared of flying just reading this thread makes me incredibly anxious and I can’t even contemplate doing a ‘Fear of Flying’ course because maybe then I’d feel safe enough to fly and then what if I was in a plane crash? I know it’s irrational, I know statistically flying is very safe, but I simply can’t face the thought of getting on a plane.

I couldn’t take drugs to calm myself enough to fly because I know the whole holiday would be torture as I would spend it worrying about the trip home. I do go abroad on holiday though, I love boats and ferries and am happy to drive long distances as I think the journey is an important part of travelling.

I really don’t see the point of going on a holiday that you are not going to enjoy and you need to have a proper discussion with your girlfriend about this, but be prepared for her not to understand. People tend to be quite dismissive over a fear of flying and think it’s something you can just breeze past - ‘once you are on the plane you’ll be ok’, ‘it’s only a few hours’ etc

I understand your perspectives, but your happy to speed along on a motorway with various levels of people paying attention and lack of attentions, with various levels of distraction, and why would you consider that more better than a plane ?

OP I'm not telling you you have to go, but this book helped me. Might be worth a try.

I don’t think it’s fair you feel pressurised to do this. Sure you can knock your self out on drugs but there are other ways of going on holiday! Cruises, rail to Europe, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to go on holiday with the gf. Say you won’t be coming on this as you refuse to fly and the relationship dealbreaker should be whether she respects that or not. I wouldn’t push my partner into so unimportant especially anything that would distress them.

It's not really about logic for me.

I know driving is more dangerous than flying, but it does not help. I feel anxious on motorways and fast roads too, though

This was something they go over in the Fear of Flying course, they talk through the mechanics, the stats, the pilot expertise etc.

None of it helped me, sadly.

I had a terrible fear of flying for 40 years.

I was literally terrified. The thought of getting on a plane would make me cry and have a panic attack. I really thought I would die.

I refused to fly. I did have some lovely holidays in the South of France. By train.

When I was 42 I was invited to a friend's holiday home in Spain. I agreed to go. I don't know why but something changed in my head.
I had Valium prescribed to help me.

I got on the plane, coped with the flight. I didn't die.

Since then I have flown to NYC, Mauritius, France, Jamaica, Amsterdam, Dubai and Greece.

I wish I could describe the utter deep fear I had before and how it impacted me. It was extreme.

I can't fathom why my mindset changed. But flying has enriched my life.

But I am disappointed that I didn't fly before as I feel I have missed out on years of traveling.

Perhaps try a fear of flying course, Valium is a really good option. CBT might also help.

Have a look at Soar by Captain Tom Bunn. I listened to the audiobook and did the exercises. He address the intellectual fear of flying and explains how it works. Most importantly he addresses the emotional fear and how to activate our own comfort mechanism. Honestly life changing for me. The exercises link the parts of flying and panic to feelings of safety. Last time I flew I waited and waited for the anxiety to kick in and it just didn't. Unthinkable in previous years.

@Beenheresincethebook

I don’t think it’s fair you feel pressurised to do this. Sure you can knock your self out on drugs but there are other ways of going on holiday! Cruises, rail to Europe, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to go on holiday with the gf. Say you won’t be coming on this as you refuse to fly and the relationship dealbreaker should be whether she respects that or not. I wouldn’t push my partner into so unimportant especially anything that would distress them.

Cruises from the UK and travelling by rail sound like a nightmare, it's just adding unnecessary time and effort to your trip. Not to mention the fact that flying is the safest form of travel.

You say 'something so unimportant' but to many people travel is really important. It certainly is to me and to be honest, a partner refusing to ever leave the country would be a deal-breaker for me.

You need to be honest with your partner OP and maybe think about doing something to overcome your phobia.

@middleager

It's not really about logic for me.

I know driving is more dangerous than flying, but it does not help. I feel anxious on motorways and fast roads too, though

This was something they go over in the Fear of Flying course, they talk through the mechanics, the stats, the pilot expertise etc.

None of it helped me, sadly.

All the best and positivity, maybe one day you'll conquer your fear.

@uggmum

I had a terrible fear of flying for 40 years.

I was literally terrified. The thought of getting on a plane would make me cry and have a panic attack. I really thought I would die.

I refused to fly. I did have some lovely holidays in the South of France. By train.

When I was 42 I was invited to a friend's holiday home in Spain. I agreed to go. I don't know why but something changed in my head.
I had Valium prescribed to help me.

I got on the plane, coped with the flight. I didn't die.

Since then I have flown to NYC, Mauritius, France, Jamaica, Amsterdam, Dubai and Greece.

I wish I could describe the utter deep fear I had before and how it impacted me. It was extreme.

I can't fathom why my mindset changed. But flying has enriched my life.

But I am disappointed that I didn't fly before as I feel I have missed out on years of traveling.

Perhaps try a fear of flying course, Valium is a really good option. CBT might also help.

Most excellent on conquering your fear

Being very blunt, she doesn't sound worth getting therapy for!

A package holiday to Spain, sounds like my idea if hell and I LOVE flying.

She sounds unsympathetic & very self centred.

Find someone who cares more about your feelings x

Pyri yes you're right. I do know those things- wrong person to ask about oil though as I do long journeys in my car and check it very regularly but I know what you mean.
The points you make in your first paragraph are some of what I have kept telling myself over and over, when the thoughts about this are plaguing me.

The driving thing doesn't bother me though. I'm not 100 of miles up in the air and I've a good chance of survival if something was to go wrong!

@QueenCarrot

Ok, I’m so scared of flying just reading this thread makes me incredibly anxious and I can’t even contemplate doing a ‘Fear of Flying’ course because maybe then I’d feel safe enough to fly and then what if I was in a plane crash? I know it’s irrational, I know statistically flying is very safe, but I simply can’t face the thought of getting on a plane.

I couldn’t take drugs to calm myself enough to fly because I know the whole holiday would be torture as I would spend it worrying about the trip home. I do go abroad on holiday though, I love boats and ferries and am happy to drive long distances as I think the journey is an important part of travelling.

I really don’t see the point of going on a holiday that you are not going to enjoy and you need to have a proper discussion with your girlfriend about this, but be prepared for her not to understand. People tend to be quite dismissive over a fear of flying and think it’s something you can just breeze past - ‘once you are on the plane you’ll be ok’, ‘it’s only a few hours’ etc

I am exactly like this !! So relatable. All of the holiday I will be just SO anxious about the flight back. People (including my gf tonight) are so dismissive and yes, I may feel safe and then crash, I have had this exact thought process. :(

I am fine on boats too.

@MuggleMadness

Being very blunt, she doesn't sound worth getting therapy for!

A package holiday to Spain, sounds like my idea if hell and I LOVE flying.

She sounds unsympathetic & very self centred.

Find someone who cares more about your feelings x

What do you love about flying please :)

She has made me feel very alone tonight actually. But I suppose that's just me isn't it/
I'd ring her straight away if she was upset and anxious, even if I felt it was about something really trivial.

She sounds unsympathetic & very self centred.

Or she has good boundaries. No one is required to manage their girlfriend/boyfriend's mental health. I ended up being a lot of blokes' counsellor/social worker in my 20s and honestly, I wouldn't again.

I don't know the OP but IME sometimes people say, "if she were upset I would do x, y, z" but don't acknowledge that most support is one-way. There is one person who asks for support and one who gives it. It isn't a requirement.

OP if your work is being disturbed by the thought of a flight in September, you need to seek help. Not for flying, if you don't want. But for that level of anxiety. Phobic avoidance doesn't make your life better and learning how to deal with it is a good skill. Even if you never fly.

DirectionToPerfection I understand people to whom travel is important. I also don't think sitting around a pool in an all inclusive is what I think of as 'travel'? Am I wrong?

I have been honest with her, I just don't think she 'gets' it. :(

@MrsTerryPratchett

She sounds unsympathetic & very self centred.

Or she has good boundaries. No one is required to manage their girlfriend/boyfriend's mental health. I ended up being a lot of blokes' counsellor/social worker in my 20s and honestly, I wouldn't again.

I don't know the OP but IME sometimes people say, "if she were upset I would do x, y, z" but don't acknowledge that most support is one-way. There is one person who asks for support and one who gives it. It isn't a requirement.

OP if your work is being disturbed by the thought of a flight in September, you need to seek help. Not for flying, if you don't want. But for that level of anxiety. Phobic avoidance doesn't make your life better and learning how to deal with it is a good skill. Even if you never fly.

It may sound mad, but I am honestly not like this over anything else at all. And as I never really choose to fly, it isn't usually a problem. I take your points about emotional support. Maybe I am being unreasonable there. I feel dismissed and as if she doesn't really care, that's how I feel cared for-she has a different way of feeling that.

@sultanaloaf

Have a look at Soar by Captain Tom Bunn. I listened to the audiobook and did the exercises. He address the intellectual fear of flying and explains how it works. Most importantly he addresses the emotional fear and how to activate our own comfort mechanism. Honestly life changing for me. The exercises link the parts of flying and panic to feelings of safety. Last time I flew I waited and waited for the anxiety to kick in and it just didn't. Unthinkable in previous years.

thank you-I will definitely do this!

You don't sound as if you like her all that much actually. So her family and her enjoy relaxing in their chosen destination? She doesn't demonstrate her love in the required fashion? I think maybe you are not suited long term anyway. Still worth looking at conquering this phobia given just how worried you are this far out.

@Electricmouse

DirectionToPerfection I understand people to whom travel is important. I also don't think sitting around a pool in an all inclusive is what I think of as 'travel'? Am I wrong?

I have been honest with her, I just don't think she 'gets' it. :(

I understand your perspectives, but to some people going away with friends and family even if it's at a resort ect is their perspectives of traveling.

@RinklyRomaine

You don't sound as if you like her all that much actually. So her family and her enjoy relaxing in their chosen destination? She doesn't demonstrate her love in the required fashion? I think maybe you are not suited long term anyway. Still worth looking at conquering this phobia given just how worried you are this far out.

I love her. And her family are absolutely fine. I'm just terrified of flying and dont think I'd enjoy this particular type of holiday even if I wasn't. You may be right on the unsuitability part. I've advised her a few times how I feel whenever she's done this. I know a few things about me she hasn't liked and I've tried to change.

Hawkins001 thank you for clarifying :)

I also don't think sitting around a pool in an all inclusive is what I think of as 'travel'?

This is quite sneery. I say that as somebody who has never been on an all inclusive holiday pool holiday in my life.

You don't get to decide whether someone's 'travel' is worthy of being called 'travel' or not

I'm wondering how equal this relationship is, and if you position yourself as the one who decides the validity of things and usually calls all the shots, and now you're miffed because she didn't spring to attention and immediately call you back.

@AbsentmindedWoman

I also don't think sitting around a pool in an all inclusive is what I think of as 'travel'?

This is quite sneery. I say that as somebody who has never been on an all inclusive holiday pool holiday in my life.

You don't get to decide whether someone's 'travel' is worthy of being called 'travel' or not

I'm wondering how equal this relationship is, and if you position yourself as the one who decides the validity of things and usually calls all the shots, and now you're miffed because she didn't spring to attention and immediately call you back.

She (gf) hadn't called it travel or mentioned travel in any context, I was just questioning if those who did travel, thought that it would count as it, It was a genuine question.

Neither of us 'call the shots'. We're both pretty easygoing really, although I know she really wants me on this holiday.