I am terrified of flying and I've agreed to do it.. Which was STUPID

[Electricmouse]

I have been petrified of flying since I was a teenager.
'luckily' I have no particular interest in going abroad. I love England, am not interested in travelling anywhere outside of it, I love my minibreaks in the UK, it isn't an issue for me I'm boring I suppose .

I've been with my girlfriend roughly two years.

She had a holiday booked when I met her and wanted to add me onto it but I said no. I did express that I was in a way, wishing I'd have said yes, but in all honesty I was at peace with my decision.

Anyway fast forward to a few months ago and I am persuaded into saying yes to going on holiday for a week with her in September.

Last time this happened different situation and people, I did it, but I did not enjoy it. It was just about bearable but the whole time I half wanted to go home and half was dreading the flight back home. I vowed to never go abroad again, as soon as we touched down in England the relief was indescribable.

The main issue is the flight. I HATE flying. I am terrified of it. I hear about crashes and problems and I can't help but ponder over what an awful death that would be. The whole thing will have me terrified to the point I probably won't be able to speak. Last time I ended up in a panic, sitting in the air hostesses quarters breathing into a handkerchief and almost crying.

If I loved being abroad, I may try to get some sort of treatment for it, or just put up with my phobia, but because I honestly couldn't care less about being abroad, it isn't usually an issue at all. Kind of like being terrified of sharks, not going to be an issue unless for some reason you love swimming in shark infested waters.

But I love her, and I felt it isn't fair and I need to get over myself and go so I stupidly said yes.

Tonight she's been messaging me (we don't live together) as she's booking flights and asking for my input on seating options and airports etc and I panicked. I told her I don't even like to talk about it. At one point I had to drop the phone mid-text and run off as I felt I was going to be sick.

I've made a mistake I know.

The flight is 99% of the issue but if it was somewhere I really wanted to go with her for a romantic and/or interesting experience, I could possibly deal with it, but it isn't, It's an all-inclusive resort with a bunch of her friends and family, who are absolutely lovely people both the adults and the children but.... Well I don't know.

This could become a major issue couldn't it? She likes her cheap holidays abroad. I can't think of anything worse :(

Then again my Dad hates flying and him and my Mum have been together for decades, she goes abroad with other people and leaves him at home so maybe?

I feel so terrible to be even considering letting her down. I'd just repay her all the money and stay at home where I feel safe.

I am a total 'stick in the mud' aren't I. And pathetic.
Help. (Even if to tell me how stupid I've been to agree to this, I know)!

I have a fear of being sick and that makes me panic on flights. I’ve flown many times but haven’t been abroad since having children. I think I’m going to have to listen to podcasts and work on calming down because I can’t let my phobia stop me doing things.

I have lots of sympathy OP. When I say I’m frightened of being sick I think people find it hard to understand but it does make me physically shake and panic.

@MoonOnASpoon

OP I'm not telling you you have to go, but ]] helped me. Might be worth a try.

Thank you. I love reading, and I've ordered it :)

Neither of us 'call the shots'. We're both pretty easygoing really, although I know she really wants me on this holiday.

Ok - sorry for jumping to conclusions and it's good that you folks have things balanced to suit you both.

I hope you can resolve the problem, best of luck going forward.

@Smartiepants79

You need a serious discussion about this and you need to be honest. And soon. As things stand you can’t go and she needs to know this so she can stop planning, paying for things and getting excited. Only she can decide if you never wanting to go away with her is a deal breaker or not. Do you feel you have enough other things in common? What kind of things do you do together usually? Personally I’d find this hard to be with someone who didn’t want to go out and explore the world. But she’s not me. It just feels like your world could become very small. What if she said it was over if you’d weren’t prepared to at least try and meet her half way - could you travel abroad by boat or train? Are you prepared to make any changes for her?

Sorry, I missed some of this message. I'd definitely go abroad by boat or train. Or if I could find a way to teleport . It is planes I don't like. I wish I could properly explain why. It's cliched but I just don't think we 'should' be in the air. If I was to list the worst ways to die, plummeting to the ground helplessly to an imminent death would be up there. I'd just rather not take the risk. Of course we take risks in cars, but there's a big but-I'm in the driver's seat, literally, my life's in my hands. Not in someone else's. And if I have even a bad car crash, paramedics exist on the ground, I'm likely to survive. That's not going to happen if a plane malfunctions ... (I know these thoughts don't take statistics into account, but of course they're relative to the number of cars and car journeys to planes and flights).

I haven't been on a plane for over 20 years and have no interest in conquering my anxiety over flying. As many people have said, what is the point of creating a stressful situation for something that is supposed to be fun.

OP, depending on which part of Spain your partner is thinking of for the holiday, there are ferry options directly to Bilbao and Santander. it takes about 36 hours and will add to the cost of the trip, but can be a fun part of the holiday in itself. (excellent whale watching opportunities in the Bay of Biscay).

Could you work out a compromise with a ferry to Northern Spain and Air B&B accommodation somewhere in that region?

Coming back to the trip in question OP, IF you decided to go (which of course you don't have to), how much will your GF compromise on what you do when you get there?

I don't know if you said whereabouts they're going but I assume Europe? There are very few beach destinations I can think of that don't also have some culture, history, old towns to explore, nature, sports, walking etc around. If you say where they're going maybe we can tell you what there is.

Would she do a 50/50 split of exploring/activity and relaxing, so you get something more worthwhile from your efforts too?

Hawkins001 I understand that my feelings are not logical. It’s a real visceral thing. I suppose when driving I have at least the illusion of control - and, as OP says, a decent chance of survival if I get into a car crash (and yes, I know that a surprising number of people survive plane crashes, it makes no difference to the level of panic I feel)

DirectiontoPerfection you say ‘ Cruises from the UK and travelling by rail sound like a nightmare, it's just adding unnecessary time and effort to your trip. Not to mention the fact that flying is the safest form of travel.’ I just don’t see it that way, for me the journey is part of the holiday and I have had some fantastic trips wandering through parts of Europe and stopping off en route in some really beautiful and interesting places that I would never otherwise have discovered. But like OP I don’t really enjoy holidays sitting by the pool in the sun, though I can see the attraction.

OP, not for the planned holiday but maybe in future years this could be a compromise for you and your girlfriend. A few days driving through France and Spain with stops on your way, a few days chilling by the pool, reading and relaxing, then a quicker drive back with maybe just one overnight stop. I could certainly get behind a holiday like that.

Diazepam is a great help to me. I also did Fear of Flying. But it does help when you actually want to visit somewhere.

@AbsentmindedWoman

I also don't think sitting around a pool in an all inclusive is what I think of as 'travel'?

This is quite sneery. I say that as somebody who has never been on an all inclusive holiday pool holiday in my life.

You don't get to decide whether someone's 'travel' is worthy of being called 'travel' or not

I'm wondering how equal this relationship is, and if you position yourself as the one who decides the validity of things and usually calls all the shots, and now you're miffed because she didn't spring to attention and immediately call you back.

Completely agree. OP I get that you're afraid of flying but that's your problem, not your GFs. If she wants to fly somewhere to lounge by a pool for a week that's her business. She's not asking you to "travel" I'm sure, she's asking you to join her and her family on vacation. Do it or don't, but don't have a go at her perfectly valid holiday choice.

More people survive in plane crashes than die. Fact.

Tbh I'd not be that invested getting over this by the holiday in offer, not my thing at all!
My brother is an airline pilot. Seriously safe way to travel. The checks and safety procedures are insane and the standards are incredible. Maybe you would benefit from finding out a bit more about what they actually do?

Whenever I get crazy anxious like this, it’s because of the accumulative anxiety.
You might actually be feeling about 5 different chunks of anxiety all at once;

1. Flight out
2. Embarrassment over reaction to flight
3. Anxiety over spending time with her F&F and always being “on”.
4. Anticipation of flight home
5. Flight home.

Each one might be manageable but all together they’re overwhelming. Is there a way you can perhaps deal with 2 before you go via conversation? 3 is workable with your own space. Maybe that will just help to compartmentalise things a bit?

The point is you are not bothered to go abroad! It's not as though it is something you really want to do. Can she go on her own with friends and family and you two can go somewhere together in the uk. You are not been unreasonable. You said yourself an all inc resort is not your thing!

It sounds like you need to really think whether you have enough else in common with each other to really make a go of the relationship. What do you like about your UK city breaks? Can you get interested in the history of other European cities, enjoying different food and culture and buildings? You could start by train travel there to see if you enjoy learning about the world as well. It sounds like you are quite dismissive about resort holidays in other places, but you are equally closed to the idea of travel to interesting cities or areas. Even if resort holidays aren't your thing, they might be a way to enjoy spending time with family and friends, not having responsibilities, just relaxing, so perhaps that's why they enjoy them - and you get better weather often abroad. So even if it's not 'travel' the way you think of it, there are reasons that she might well enjoy them. And if you won't even consider joining them or trying any other form of travel, I can see that might be a deal-breaker for her.

You don't have to enjoy the flight. Lots of people don't. We just do it as a means to an end. But the flying itself isn't necessarily fun. It's tolerable, and you want to get to the point where the whole holiday isn't ruined by thinking about it, but it doesn't mean you need to get to the point where you are enjoying it or anything. You just need to be able to do it. Maybe try some of the Fear of Flying courses, with the thought of one day being able to do more city breaks or whatever the sort of holiday you enjoy in the UK is like, to give you the motivation. Or on a very practical level, the motivation to stay with your girlfriend, if that might be a deal breaker.

I think I'd find it hard to be with someone who really wouldn't travel at all; if they didn't want to fly, I'd hope they'd enjoy city breaks elsewhere or long distance train travel or something, and to perhaps organise those instead. I am not sure that attitude of 'we can just stay in England' would be appealing to me - not so much the fact that that might be what we ended up doing for various reasons (financial, health, covid, whatever), and there are loads of lovely places to visit, but it's more the attitude of not wanting to see anything else that I expect I feel signified a more closed off approach to life in general. Someone who wanted to travel but ended up staying in England because of circumstances, not a problem. Someone who wouldn't really even consider that they might like something, not so much.

Your fear does seem somewhat selective, almost snobbish.

Relationships are about compromise. Sounds like you've taken her on plenty of your preferred UK breaks, now she'd like you to experience her style of holiday. Longer term hopefully you'd reach a balance where you can find destinations with the best of both worlds.

Without knowing where you're going I can't really understand just how dire it is, but Beach and culture do exist together! I'd be really surprised if with a little extra effort (car hire, day trips, public transport etc) you couldn't make the best of it.

Tbh I'd someone had strung me along as long as you have just to book a holiday, I'd have reached the end of my patience too.

I’m not terrified of flying but I don’t enjoy it and would happily never go abroad again. My partner adores going abroad which basically means I get left behind most of the time. We will go abroad together but it’s quite infrequent.

You are who you are and so long as you don’t mind then going without you, I don’t see the issue.

@Electricmouse

You say since a teenager - was there something that triggered it. Had you been an flights before this, did you go on a flight.

It's cliched but I just don't think we 'should' be in the air. If I was to list the worst ways to die, plummeting to the ground helplessly to an imminent death would be up there. I'd just rather not take the risk. Of course we take risks in cars, but there's a big but-I'm in the driver's seat, literally, my life's in my hands. Not in someone else's.

This is a well formed argument but it is just that. It doesnt just appear?

And how are you with someone else driving? You say a lot about how you like to drive (and been in a few crashes which seems unusual).

The thing is fears like this - a fear/phobia that actually prevents you from doing something doesnt simply appear or exist in a vacuum. There would be a trigger something that happened or you saw that since then you have added logic and rationale too in order to continue to justify it

Driving is simply far more dangerous - the numbers far exceed flying. Yet we can easily bring to mind the last big plane crash (China last week) but have no idea as to the many car crashes that happen. In the time this thread has been up 40 people have died in a car crash in the US - one in a plane. Yet which can you find on the news?

It's pointless trying to argue logic against a phobia. They are by definition irrational. I am mildly claustrophobic and it doesn't matter if you tell me there's no way I'll die in an elevator, or in a cart underground at the York Viking museum, my body just reacts with cold sweats and hyperventilating on its own.

It doesn't sound like your girlfriend actually understands phobias.

Go to the GP, you can be prescribed diazepam or something similar for phobias of flying. It should help and it's only short term so won't cause any harm.

From my experience of taking drugs for this, valium (diazepam) really helped and as I've become better at flying, I can get by just having a valium in my bag and knowing it's there, without actually taking it. IME valium makes you calmer and genuinely less anxious.

However once a GP gave me beta-blockers for flying anxiety and that did NOT help. It had no effect on me mentally, I was just fucking terrified but with a slow heartbeat and felt weird. So I don't advise that.

Not sure this will work going forward.
The fact she's asked you to 'just try' this Holliday showed she has no understanding of your fear.
Would there be a row next time ? She'd say 'you did one you can do another '
I love travelling and aim to go to as many places as possible , lots of Europe you can see by train / boat.

It's really hard to separate out "I don't want to" from "genuine terror" in your post op. But I do sympathise with you because I am terrified of flying too and haven't managed it in a while. But I think if you look underneath this, you may find it's a bigger problem about control. Something in your past, or in your make up now, is making your brain think "I need to protect myself X 1000" . Do you have problems with control in other areas of your life? Are you a perfectionist for example?

Have a look at this article op: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-would-aristotle-do/201105/the-fear-losing-control which is helpful I think.

The bottom line is that when you are part of a relationship, you have to do things you don't particularly like sometimes. But I think it would be fairer to you if you faced your fear in gradual increments this time.

I don't think that you can just hope that a fear as extreme as this will disappear on the day of the flight. I think you need to talk to your gf some more, and put some contingencies in place. Personally, I would only attempt this if the person I was going with understood that it was a big deal for me and was not putting pressure on me to go "just this once". Personally I would be realistic and honest and bow out of this one.

I think you might have a more successful outcome if you both compromised and booked a flight together to somewhere that you will both enjoy. The time to go on a holiday with her family is when you have mastered your fear somewhat. In the meantime, you can always make it up to them in other ways by inviting them to a holiday cottage or taking them out for the day in the uk.

Whatever you do, don't lock yourself in to a position where you have no control over events whatsoever as that will be extremely hard for you. Do not be passive! Try and make it easier on yourself by putting in a few boundaries. As mentioned previously I would bow out of this particular trip but in future you could:

• book the flights yourself and maybe only join her family for part of the time
• when with her family, make it known that you will be going exploring by yourself in the afternoons or with anyone that wants to join you

-go to a different location with your gf in the middle of the trip

Good luck op. Don't whatever you do just sit stewing miserably between now and September dreading the trip, without taking some action, large or small, towards making it easier on yourself and diminishing your stress levels

It sounds like she’s made compromises to do the holidays you like to do (UK city breaks etc). Her choice of holiday isn’t any less valid than yours.
If you don’t want to go, tell her. At the moment you’re saying yes but meaning no. She’s probably frustrated. Just be honest.

@Hawkins001 - I've noticed that you always quote the entire OP on a thread when you reply. There's no need to do this, it is assumed your post is a reply to the OP. If you want to reply to someone else you can tag them with @ their username. Just thought I'd let you know.