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Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

423 replies

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 18:45

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. Sad So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. Sad So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again. Sad

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 26/03/2022 21:55

Nah, thanks. Having had most of my inheritance stolen by a blackmailing sibling I don't feel there's a lot I need to consider about how 'unreasonable' I've been
If its split 4 ways as per will and your DMs choice, how has this one DB stolen 'most'?

SucculentChalice · 26/03/2022 21:55

Blackmail and stealing are both crimes, so why aren't you getting the police involved?

Theres quite a lot of exaggeration and melodrama going on here OP and its you who is creating it.

Equally your siblings could allege that you blackmailed their mother initially to steal their inheritance.

All of this is silly talk and reeks of sour grapes that you aren't getting your own way and the house is presumably being sold and the proceeds being divided equally between the siblings.

You're not too young to buy a house - as if no-one your age never bought a house!

I can understand why the brother steered clear until now and lived his own life. This sounds very toxic.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:56

@CPL593H

in terns of this blessed picture; is the executor of your grandmothers will still alive? Is a copy of that will available and does it mention specific items, eg the painting? Could you and your other 2 brothers consult a solicitor/ get them to send a letter to DB1 asking for it to be returned as it belongs to all 4 of you?

There is not going to be an outcome from this that all of you are happy with, however and you and bros 2 and 3 need to work out what you want to happen realistically.

I doubt that executor is still alive or traceable, as it was about 30 years ago.

You're absolutely right I do need to talk to db2 and db3 about this (though db2 is currently travelling abroad, which makes it tricky).

OP posts:
Mickarooni · 26/03/2022 21:56

There’s no doubt the DB was categorically wrong to take the picture. It wasn’t the OP’s picture either though, so her saying how much it meant to her is irrelevant. Seems like the other 2 brothers are pushed aside for the sake of 2 other warring siblings. It should have been decided with everyone’s agreement. Quite frankly, splitting a painting between 4 adults was always going to be a recipe for disaster when it has sentimental value.

whumpthereitis · 26/03/2022 21:57

OP, you’ve said he’s used blackmail to get ‘your’ inheritance, and then asked why you shouldn’t be entitled to a larger share.

No one is entitled to an inheritance, and you have no greater or smaller ‘moral’ right to your mother’s possessions. Your mother shared her wishes with your brother, and he expressed his feelings in regards to that, which he was free to do tbh. If he felt hurt by her choice he was free to say that in turn he wouldn’t come back to respect her final wishes (which he didn’t anyway). She had a choice here, she could have ignored his reaction but she chose not to.

Teenangels · 26/03/2022 21:59

OP you do know that during lockdown, Trump closed down international travel.
You have not had anything stolen from you as you never inherited the house, but you think it was fair that you stole your brothers inheritance.
Wow just wow

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:59

@Serialchiller

Why didn’t you take the painting in the 18 months since your dm died?
Because it belongs to all of us.

So I naively imagined we'd discuss where it would go when the house was sold rather than one of us taking it unilaterally to a foreign country far away so the other 3 couldn't get hold of it?

OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:59

@Teenangels

OP you do know that during lockdown, Trump closed down international travel. You have not had anything stolen from you as you never inherited the house, but you think it was fair that you stole your brothers inheritance. Wow just wow
Have you read a different thread?
OP posts:
Cocomarine · 26/03/2022 22:00

@Serialchiller

Why didn’t you take the painting in the 18 months since your dm died?
I asked much the same and OP didn’t elaborate. So interested to see if she answers you!
AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 22:01

Your brother could say that you tried to blackmail your mother into leaving the house to you or to grandchildren so that your family would get more than your fair share.

Nancydrawn · 26/03/2022 22:02

Did he really tell his mother he wouldn't sit shiva for her if she didn't divide the inheritance equally?! That's beyond shitty.

OP, I am torn here. On one had, I absolutely acknowledge that your brother is an absolute shit for blackmailing his mother like that. I also think refusing, then, to follow through (by avoiding the Kaddish or the stone setting) makes his blackmail even less honorable.

On the other hand, gently, I think it's right that the inheritance was split in four. It's the only fair way to do it. Leaving it to grandchildren isn't fair, as you don't know if your currently-childless children will go on to have grandchildren after your death. It would have been kind of her to pay you in her lifetime for taking care of her. That would certainly have been fair. But I don't think you can expect inheritance to be applied unevenly, particularly so unevenly.

On a final note, I know you're hurting, but claiming that every poster who disagrees with you is secretly your brother-in-disguise...well, it's not going to win anyone over to your side. And it's a kind of emotional manipulation of its own. I don't care, particularly, as you're a stranger, but it's possible you should reflect more closely on your brother's perspective.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 26/03/2022 22:03

Why dont you ring your db1 and tell him that you would love to keep the painting in the UK and that you are very fond of it? Did you not see him when he came over?

YogaLite · 26/03/2022 22:04

There is no such thing as fair in inheritance, the person making a will can do whatever s/he likes and leave the family squabbling.

I know of the case where the person gave everything to dog rescue charity even though they had family and they hated dogs - just out of spite I expect.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 22:04

@Mickarooni

There’s no doubt the DB was categorically wrong to take the picture. It wasn’t the OP’s picture either though, so her saying how much it meant to her is irrelevant. Seems like the other 2 brothers are pushed aside for the sake of 2 other warring siblings. It should have been decided with everyone’s agreement. Quite frankly, splitting a painting between 4 adults was always going to be a recipe for disaster when it has sentimental value.
Agree with most of that.

But this bit is factually incorrect:

Seems like the other 2 brothers are pushed aside for the sake of 2 other warring siblings.

Db2 has no interest in any of the stuff - he mostly travels and doesn't want any paintings. Db3 agrees we should get the painting. In fact, he was encouraging me to go and nab it before db1 arrived in the UK. I didn't because that would have felt wrong to me!

OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 22:05

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

Why dont you ring your db1 and tell him that you would love to keep the painting in the UK and that you are very fond of it? Did you not see him when he came over?
I did. He said, basically, he liked it and he's taking it. And refused to discuss it. Sad
OP posts:
Snowinpoland · 26/03/2022 22:09

I think it is outrageous that the OP did not expect the Will to be equal amongst her siblings.

I know of a family who had one sibling muscle in and plead poverty and the DM disinherited other children - it was truly awful. This sibling then went on to also be an executor for another family member and never proper distributed the Will.

Screwing over other siblings with the premise that they had done better.

Also op you really can judge the relationships of your other siblings but it is the right thing for fairness to apply when it comes to inheritance.

I am of the firm belief that children should bot be able to be disinherited.

You won't get any sympathy from me.

SucculentChalice · 26/03/2022 22:12

Its so much simpler in civil law countries like France and Scotland where parents cannot disinherit or favour their children because they have legal rights.

Eggshausted · 26/03/2022 22:13

I agree that db3 in particular deserves his inheritance and db2 arguably too.

I argued as much to my dm.

You argued with your Mother about her will?

How grabby can you get? That alone would make me change my will, listening to someone try to stake a claim in my money before I had even breathed my last. And you have the right to question your brothers morals? Just because your brother has made money and done well for himself why should he be left less than you?

Your poor mother , having your daughter assessing your wealth and arguing for a share of it in your last years.

Turningpurple · 26/03/2022 22:14

Db3 agrees we should get the painting

Why?

And how are you and db3 planning on sharing it?

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 22:16

@Nancydrawn - thanks. Maybe, conceivably, there will come a point when I'm able to empathise with my db1's viewpoint. But now is not that time. And I'm not alone. Db3 feels exactly the same as I do on this. He was absolutely horrified by how db1 behaved - we all were.

As for my calling posters who disagree with me db1, I guess a dry sense of humour may not come across fully. I'm not trying to win anyone over, this isn't AIBU, I posted here because I needed support and sympathy and practical suggestions.

I'm grateful to everyone who's taken the time to post them.

Those who've posted to jump on me in my hurt, nah, couldn't care less if they're not 'won over'. Confused Particularly as what most of them seem to have in common is that they haven't actually RTFT.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 26/03/2022 22:20

I think the will should have been split 4 ways. You can't expect to inherit the whole house just because you earn less.

The painting is also a joint asset. I can see why you're upset but you don't really have any more right to it than DB1.

I don't think wills are based on how much support DC have given. So it's not up to you & DB3 to decide who gets what.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 22:21

@Turningpurple

Db3 agrees we should get the painting

Why?

And how are you and db3 planning on sharing it?

Because he knows it's a family heirloom so wants it to get passed onto the next generation. He knows the strong link between the artist and me/my ds (we didn't just happen to call ds after him because we liked the name - I translated the artist's WWI letters, which no-one else in the family cared about; no-one else had thought about him for about half a century). And he is beyond furious at db1 and doesn't think he has any moral right to anything relating to our dm's family.
OP posts:
Robinni · 26/03/2022 22:22

Also just want to stand up for OP here.

She has lost her mother whom she was heavily involved in the care of. That is a LOT to go through and you become extremely entrenched in the beliefs, passions, wishes and so forth of the person you’ve cared for.

It sounds to me that while obviously she is concerned about her long term well being. Ultimately, the crux of the matter is she feels her mother was bullied and blackmailed into not doing pursuing the course of action she wanted to. OP will have witnessed all of this, had the conversations with her mother, seen the distress and supported her through his difficult behaviour over a significant period of time day in day out.

That is what is causing the most hurt. That said awful brother having caused the woman distress and bullied her to benefit himself, has now - finally - swanned in from the states, been disrespectful to everyone, made it blatantly obvious he doesn’t give a toss how anyone else feels. To add insult to injury he’s decided to bugger off with the one price in the house the OP has significant sentimental attachment to too. What a complete arsehole.

See beyond the attention grabbing headline of “brother steals inheritance” and focus on the hurt “brother doesn’t care for mother and puts her through hell and is now doing it to me too”.

SucculentChalice · 26/03/2022 22:22

[quote helpmecanhardlybreathe]@Nancydrawn - thanks. Maybe, conceivably, there will come a point when I'm able to empathise with my db1's viewpoint. But now is not that time. And I'm not alone. Db3 feels exactly the same as I do on this. He was absolutely horrified by how db1 behaved - we all were.

As for my calling posters who disagree with me db1, I guess a dry sense of humour may not come across fully. I'm not trying to win anyone over, this isn't AIBU, I posted here because I needed support and sympathy and practical suggestions.

I'm grateful to everyone who's taken the time to post them.

Those who've posted to jump on me in my hurt, nah, couldn't care less if they're not 'won over'. Confused Particularly as what most of them seem to have in common is that they haven't actually RTFT.[/quote]
Hasn't it occurred to you that your brother has possibly been hurt for years, after being initially cut out of his own mother's will in favour of you? It must have felt like he had been forgotten about or discarded by his own parent.

I would be surprised if he knew you were calling him a blackmailer and a thief that he would be absolutely fuming. Your exaggerated choice of language does you no favours OP.

The only "practical suggestion" you need is to make an appointment to see a solicitor who specialises in testate succession.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 26/03/2022 22:23

You posted in AIBU because you needed support and sympathy?! Have you ever visited AIBU before?