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Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

423 replies

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 18:45

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. Sad So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. Sad So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again. Sad

OP posts:
Tiddlesthecat · 26/03/2022 21:36

You say that there is nothing that you can do. Do you know his flight details? Could you report it as having been stolen? There are presumably lots of laws governing the shipping of art around the world. Even if he is allowed to take it, it could cause sufficient inconvenience and hassle. If siblings cannot agree on who gets what, then the sensible thing is to get items valued and then see if siblings are prepared to either sell their shares in it to the others, or if there is no agreement, sell it and divide up the money. Not ideal, but I can't see how else this can be resolved. You and DB3 should stand together on this.

Gwegowygwiggs · 26/03/2022 21:36

I think it was utterly wrong for your dm to have even considered leaving such an enormous "gift" to you in the will denying your 3 other siblings claim to it, just because right now they're wealthy. Do you know how quickly money can go? What if they lose their job? Their house? And you're sitting pretty in a house that belonged to the parents that are just as much theirs as they are yours?

Your post reeks of entitlement. You need to sit down and have a long hard think about it and you might realise how unreasonable you sound.

Cherrysherbet · 26/03/2022 21:41

Your Brother sounds awful Op. I feel so sorry for you.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:41

@IVFConfusion

There is a reason why your oldest brother did not bother with his dying parents or funeral. Did they treat him badly? Kids don't ignore their parents for nothing. Explains why your mum didn't stick to the original will which gave you everything.

The will has been split 4 ways - fair enough.

Out of interest which culture is this? European, Indian?

The reason is because he's a shit. I don't know what other answer you want.

No, my dps did not treat him badly.

On the contrary, they paid for first class flights for him to come over even though he earned loads. So maybe they spoiled him a bit? But my dm didn't deserve this.

I guess some people are just shitty.

OP posts:
Mycatisfabulous · 26/03/2022 21:43

Christ. You’ve got the house! Let the painting go

Robinni · 26/03/2022 21:43

Firstly, I really empathise with this situation. Inheritance can bring out the ugly in family members. I’m so sorry that your Mum didn’t get the chance to change her will as she wished. However, considering the timing so close to her death it is fortunate for you that she didn’t change it in a manner that would cause upset. Had she gone ahead and done this, and your brother taken issue likely the late change wouldn’t have stood legally and you’d have had fees to pay to boot.

If the two middle brothers have no dependents and are in agreement with you, you can get what’s called a deed of variation drawn up (google and then ask your solicitor) whereby they would relinquish their respective claims and defer it to you so that either you get 75% proceeds of sale or would be in a position to buy out first brother of his 25%… giving you the house. He doesn’t strike me as the sort to be game for this but then maybe all he cares about is the money. It’s worth a shot.

Also completely empathise re. the housing market. The bananas market created by the pandemic has crushed a lot of dreams.

Anyway now to the painting, it’s really unbearable crap that he is being this petty. However, if this is the only thing he has his eye on count yourself lucky. Let it go, it is only stuff and if it gets rid of him to my mind it’s worth it. Of course try renegotiating, ask for a copy, at least a good quality photo of it, there are artists who would do you a new version which although it isn’t the same is better than nothing.

It’s quite glaring from your brothers inability to fly and his insistence that your parents pay when he did and so forth that all is not as rosy as he makes out. With two younger brothers as successful as you describe, I very much doubt that he would ever admit any financial insecurity, particularly when he’s on the other side of the world and can hide it.

That’s my two cents. I hope the situation resolved relatively quickly, prepare yourself for minimum a year to 18 months. With inheritance it isn’t there until it’s in your bank account, so try and look to the future and making this as positive a situation as you can. It may not be as envisaged but you have the wonderful memories of your mum, two decent brothers and such a beautiful family of your own. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve, the money and assets will get worked out x

littleangel50 · 26/03/2022 21:44

Go to .gov if in UK and put a Caveat in if he's not the executor and get a solicitor money breeds despicable actions from death instead of grieving they are counting the £££ or $$$ don't let him get away with it I'm going through the same thing but over £5000. Because my brother sneaked and got the death certificate and went into my mums bank and withdrew that sum closed her account before it was frozen. He hasn't worked a day in 30 years and lived off my mum and free in her house same time lied and cheated which I can't stand and half the money is my sons DWP payments as he is on the Autism Spectrum and he paid £3000 remaining finance on my mums car that my other brother took out though mum was paying it a £6000 car and he gave it to his child's mother not even a family member but I don't want a penny buy I'm not letting him live off her in death as he did in life.

butterpuffed · 26/03/2022 21:44

I don't see how your brother is seen by you as 'stealing' your inheritance as it belongs to all four of you. Surely if you had it without the permission of your eldest brother , then wouldn't that also be regarded as stealing as well ?

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:44

@Gwegowygwiggs

I think it was utterly wrong for your dm to have even considered leaving such an enormous "gift" to you in the will denying your 3 other siblings claim to it, just because right now they're wealthy. Do you know how quickly money can go? What if they lose their job? Their house? And you're sitting pretty in a house that belonged to the parents that are just as much theirs as they are yours?

Your post reeks of entitlement. You need to sit down and have a long hard think about it and you might realise how unreasonable you sound.

Nah, thanks. Having had most of my inheritance stolen by a blackmailing sibling I don't feel there's a lot I need to consider about how 'unreasonable' I've been.

But you do you.

OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:45

@butterpuffed

I don't see how your brother is seen by you as 'stealing' your inheritance as it belongs to all four of you. Surely if you had it without the permission of your eldest brother , then wouldn't that also be regarded as stealing as well ?
Quite. That's why I didn't steal it. That's why it was on the wall.
OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:46

@Mycatisfabulous

Christ. You’ve got the house! Let the painting go
RTFT! I haven't got the house! Aaagh. Could people please read before commenting nonsense??
OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 21:46

@littleangel50

Go to .gov if in UK and put a Caveat in if he's not the executor and get a solicitor money breeds despicable actions from death instead of grieving they are counting the £££ or $$$ don't let him get away with it I'm going through the same thing but over £5000. Because my brother sneaked and got the death certificate and went into my mums bank and withdrew that sum closed her account before it was frozen. He hasn't worked a day in 30 years and lived off my mum and free in her house same time lied and cheated which I can't stand and half the money is my sons DWP payments as he is on the Autism Spectrum and he paid £3000 remaining finance on my mums car that my other brother took out though mum was paying it a £6000 car and he gave it to his child's mother not even a family member but I don't want a penny buy I'm not letting him live off her in death as he did in life.
How would a caveat on the ops mothers will help here, when the painting doesn’t form part of her estate?
Namelessnancy · 26/03/2022 21:49

@SchadenfreudePersonified What do you think your ds would have said if he isn't happy about this? He could lose his well paid job in the future. Your dd could end up in a relationship with someone who can give her a much higher standard of living than your DS has. Your choice but I wouldn't do this. Recipe for rancour and division imo.

Fwiw when my parents died I was the one who'd only just got on the property ladder (with a huge mortgage) and was much less wealthy than my dsibs. Over time things have evened out. My richest sibling at the time almost lost their business over lockdown. I suspect it is the inheritance that kept them and their family out of bankruptcy.

CPL593H · 26/03/2022 21:49

in terns of this blessed picture; is the executor of your grandmothers will still alive? Is a copy of that will available and does it mention specific items, eg the painting? Could you and your other 2 brothers consult a solicitor/ get them to send a letter to DB1 asking for it to be returned as it belongs to all 4 of you?

There is not going to be an outcome from this that all of you are happy with, however and you and bros 2 and 3 need to work out what you want to happen realistically.

CPL593H · 26/03/2022 21:50

*In terms

silverbubbles · 26/03/2022 21:51

Seems to be like you have had too much invested in expecting quite a bit from this will which is never a good thing to bank on as you are finding out.
Surely leaving everything equally the 4 children is the obvious and fairest thing to do?
Just because you have done less well than the others doesn't mean you should have more!!

Klayden · 26/03/2022 21:51

” Weird and ever so slightly racist comment, but thanks.”

This speaks volumes about you that you decided I was racist.
You were the one who raised the issue of religion, it sounds like Judaism was important to your mother. In her passing, 2 of her children are fighting over money and objects.
I am Jewish. I know the value of what matters. We say “may her memory be a blessing”. You should remember your parents for the life and love they gave you, not quibbling over the cash they did or did not leave you.

Turningpurple · 26/03/2022 21:51

So for 18 months a painting you all shared has just stayed in your mums house. Which is only just being cleared now.

In the 18 months non of you have discussed whats going to happen to it?

I am xo fused why someone would leave an item to 4 people. This problem was always going to happen. Why has it not been sorted sooner.

The problem here, or rather with how you are coming across is things like you have more entitlement to it because of your sons name. And 'nothing wrong with leaving more to one child than the other'. That's easy to say when it was you who would have been benefitting.

Just like you were benefitting if it was split by grandkids.

Sounds like you are unwilling to do anything now about the painting so don't really know what to suggest.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:52

Thanks, @Robinni

Good idea about the photograph - that would be better than nothing. Sad

And you're right that I'm lucky to have had the most wonderful dps in the world, and to have a lovely family.

I guess as a pp said, every family has one of these less pleasant characters, unfortunately. It's just very raw today.

Really appreciate your post, thank you. Flowers

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 26/03/2022 21:52

Do you treat your own kids that way OP - the ones who are doing better - you give them less? You would pay for school for the one who struggles academically but not for the intelligent ones? You would pay for lessons for the less athletic / musical ones but not the ones with talent? And you intend to look at how successful each of your kids is in life and then change your will to leave nothing to the more successful and almost all of it to your least successful child?

Unsure33 · 26/03/2022 21:52

@butterpuffed

I don't see how your brother is seen by you as 'stealing' your inheritance as it belongs to all four of you. Surely if you had it without the permission of your eldest brother , then wouldn't that also be regarded as stealing as well ?
She did not have it in her possession it was hanging in the family house as agreed.

Technically only 1/4 belongs to db1 So I do think in affect he is stealing it from the use and pleasure of the others .

I would be tempted to get in touch with customs and make sure he has proof of ownership..

Mickarooni · 26/03/2022 21:53

You didn’t have YOUR inheritance stolen. It’s only inheritance once the person is gone. In life, your mother made her decision. Unless she lacked capacity to make decisions, this was her choice. You sound sad and angry and probably aren’t going to find a resolution unless you begin to heal emotionally. I hope you do find some peace.

LabMix · 26/03/2022 21:54

And why should my dm not be able to leave her inheritance to whoever she liked?^

Er, she did. She left a will. You can shout all you want about her being scared of your brother who she hadn’t seen for 10 years, the fact is she left her inheritance to who she liked.

I find it hilarious that you said ‘no one is entitled to an inheritance’ amongst all your grabby greedy hand wringing over what you think you were entitled to but your mother obviously didn’t agree

Unsure33 · 26/03/2022 21:54

@silverbubbles

Seems to be like you have had too much invested in expecting quite a bit from this will which is never a good thing to bank on as you are finding out. Surely leaving everything equally the 4 children is the obvious and fairest thing to do? Just because you have done less well than the others doesn't mean you should have more!!
The picture was not left in DM will.
Serialchiller · 26/03/2022 21:55

Why didn’t you take the painting in the 18 months since your dm died?

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