Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

[helpmecanhardlybreathe]

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again.

@ExMachinaDeus

It belongs to me and my dbs jointly

So in claiming YOU have more right to it than your brother (because you you gave your son the same name as the artist ) you are actually trying to justify stealing your brothers’ inheritance.

You are so hypocritical

OK, Db1.

@CatherinedeBourgh

There is a technique whereby they can make copies of paintings that are unbelievably faithful. It's not cheap, but maybe you can suggest that the estate make a copy for each of you so you can all have it (or something close?).

Like that idea - thank you.

It’s not fair to leave the house to you just because your siblings are more successful. As for the painting - it can’t be cut into 4 - I agree the sensible thing would have been to vote on it but you should have just taken it when you had the chance.
Tip off the airline about the backs of smack he’s got stashed up his backside.

@Porcupineintherough

And you think this makes me 'grabby'?

Well yes, as you clearly didnt mean it.

What??

Your eldest brother is obviously a shit. And taking the painting is wrong. But you’ve got 3 choices. Accept it, change it or ultimately leave it.

My db1 has never read the letters, or shown the slightest interest in his great-grandad; we didn't even inherit the painting till over a decade after db1 had moved to the US! He literally only ever saw the painting on the incredibly rare trips he made to the UK. Did he have access to the letters? And of course he only saw the painting when he visited the UK, how else could he?!

@whumpthereitis

The thing is, even if both of your other brothers wanted to give their quarters to you, your brother doesn’t have to relinquish his ‘share’ as it’s not a matter up for majority vote, is it?

He’s wrong to unilaterally take ownership, but you’re also wrong in thinking it should be solely yours. ‘Should’ doesn’t come into it.

Isn't it up for majority vote?

How else do you agree what happens when you've all jointly inherited a painting. Assuming we don't follow the wisdom of Solomon and cut it into 4 quarters, what else could we do but take a majority vote?

So yes, if 3 of us think it should go to me, it should go to me. If 2 of us think it should go to me and 1 doesn't, it should go to me. If it's 2 on each side, it should be discussed further, or shared or something. If the majority of people agree with db1, it should go to him.

I literally don't understand how you would sort this out fairly other than by a majority vote?

@TryingItAll

Your eldest brother is obviously a shit. And taking the painting is wrong. But you’ve got 3 choices. Accept it, change it or ultimately leave it.

I think that's 2 choices actually. Accept it and leave it are the same thing. Changing it is the second option.

And in case it wasn't clear, I'd appreciate help with either/both of those - words of comfort to help me move on and come to terms with it. Or suggestions for how to change it.

Thanks again to all the very helpful people who've made great suggestions for both of those - appreciated.

@Londoncallingme

It’s not fair to leave the house to you just because your siblings are more successful. As for the painting - it can’t be cut into 4 - I agree the sensible thing would have been to vote on it but you should have just taken it when you had the chance. Tip off the airline about the backs of smack he’s got stashed up his backside.

@MargaretThursday

See beyond the attention grabbing headline of “brother steals inheritance” and focus on the hurt “brother doesn’t care for mother and puts her through hell and is now doing it to me too”.

But all you have to go on is the OP saying that.
The brother might equally well be saying the the OP put their dm through hell and didn't care for her other than to get her hands on the money. We haven't got his side of the story at all.

She says dbro3 agrees with her, but it could be just as easily that dbro3 is sitting there making soothing noises while thinking "hopefully this will blow over because she's wrong."

Yes, let's start from the assumption that all women who post on here for help are probably lying.

That's a totally unproblematic assumption and will definitely be really helpful and lead to really constructive threads.

I could be lying. Or you could be trolling?

Which one is it, I wonder?

How else do you agree what happens when you've all jointly inherited a painting. Assuming we don't follow the wisdom of Solomon and cut it into 4 quarters, what else could we do but take a majority vote?

What would usually happen is that the item in question would be sold and the proceeds divided equally between you. If one of you wanted to buy it, fine.

Having read the entire thread you do come across as grabby and no better than your darling brother. He just seems to have been better at playing the game than you are and you've been outmaneuvered. I mean at least he didn't try to get the house left to himself alone, it could have been worse

So, your mum, according to you, wanted to leave the house to you. US brother objected, so she changed it to shared between her DGC, of which you have three, US DB has one. So he would still get a fourth share.
But for some reason he wasn't happy and somehow made her change it to an equal share for all four siblings.
Your other two brothers neither need nor want their share.

Simple option is for them to vary the will and gift their shares to you. US DB still gets the same, you get 3/4.

You'll have to just make a replica of the painting, it has no real value so shares cannot be bought out by anyone, it was always going to be a problem whoever had it.

Perhaps an unrecognised part of what you're struggling to reconcile is that your mother chose to allow herself to be "bullied" into changing her will. Allow me to explain.

You say she was terrified by the possibility that your brother would not say the right religious prayers after her passing and that caused her to change her will. Your mother must have been an extremely religious person for the threat to get her to change what she "really wanted" to something quite different, on the basis of a promise that any sensible person should have been able to see could and probably would be broken. I'm not sure what her religion has to say about placing trust in the unworthy but most religions include some kind of warning about not throwing pearls before swine. I'm not sure if you or one of your brothers sat her down during the many times she was complaining about the situation and kindly tried to give her a different perspective on the likelihood of DB1 living up to his promise or not, but if not, it seems like a missed opportunity.

If your mother claims her most heartfelt concern was your welfare, it must feel hurtful to think that she was prepared to let that go because she preferred to court your obviously-selfish-and-untrustworthy brother's promise to protect her eternal soul's welfare.

Of course, there is a possibility that what really convinced her to change her mind about the will was not actually your brother's threat to not say the right prayers, but the recognition that giving most of the inheritance to one child actually wasn't actually fair, and was also open to legal challenge. In this situation, perhaps she didn't want to upset you by telling you that she actually felt it was fairer to split the inheritance equally, so told everyone involved (and apparently also many people not involved) that she'd been "bullied" into doing what she did.

Now, after the fact, fairly predictably your brother didn't bother to keep up his end of the deal. If you believe in your mother's religion and eternal life, it seems to me that this should be the most troubling part of the whole scenario. Your mother's soul is not at rest. Surely the money and painting pale into insignificance in this situation?

However, since you seem largely unconcerned about this, it seems like you (and your brothers?) don't share your mother's religious views and are not troubled by whether her eternal soul is at rest or not. The only really important thing is the worldly goods that remain.

I know it must be very upsetting to have your brother take the painting. However, this is not really a shocking revelation of his character. As you said, one of your other brothers could see perfectly clearly that he was likely to leg it with the painting and suggested that if it was important to you that you take it first. But despite the fact that you could see this was true, you deluded yourself about the reality of what might happen and decided to do what was "right" instead.

There is likely nothing you can do to get the painting back, so you will have to allow yourself to grieve that. Maybe something worth thinking about is whether being "right" not to take the painting makes you happier than owning the painting would have, regardless of how your DB1 might feel about it.

The world does not always operate in black and white moral terms, and recognising the reality of that can free you up for greater real happiness.

@Robinni

Also just want to stand up for OP here.

She has lost her mother whom she was heavily involved in the care of. That is a LOT to go through and you become extremely entrenched in the beliefs, passions, wishes and so forth of the person you’ve cared for.

It sounds to me that while obviously she is concerned about her long term well being. Ultimately, the crux of the matter is she feels her mother was bullied and blackmailed into not doing pursuing the course of action she wanted to. OP will have witnessed all of this, had the conversations with her mother, seen the distress and supported her through his difficult behaviour over a significant period of time day in day out.

That is what is causing the most hurt. That said awful brother having caused the woman distress and bullied her to benefit himself, has now - finally - swanned in from the states, been disrespectful to everyone, made it blatantly obvious he doesn’t give a toss how anyone else feels. To add insult to injury he’s decided to bugger off with the one price in the house the OP has significant sentimental attachment to too. What a complete arsehole.

See beyond the attention grabbing headline of “brother steals inheritance” and focus on the hurt “brother doesn’t care for mother and puts her through hell and is now doing it to me too”.

Thanks. This is it in a nutshell.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family.

If it was left to the four of you jointly by your grandmother, then what your mother wanted was irrelevant: the picture was never hers. The only person whose wishes count was your grandmother. If she didn't leave the picture to you as an individual, then I'm afraid it wasn't your inheritance.

@EthelTheAardvark

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family.

If it was left to the four of you jointly by your grandmother, then what your mother wanted was irrelevant: the picture was never hers. The only person whose wishes count was your grandmother. If she didn't leave the picture to you as an individual, then I'm afraid it wasn't your inheritance.

It belongs jointly to all 4 of us.

It's as much my inheritance as it is db1's. He has no right to take it - let alone to the other side of the ocean - without checking that with the other 3 owners.

That's the whole point. If any one of us is to take it - which will have to happen now my dps' house is being cleared - then that has to be a decision we ALL agree on. Otherwise it is just stealing.

I can't offer any great wisdom and feel your hurt at the injustice but can offer my own perspective.
I am the middle of 3 children. The eldest stayed local to my parents but did absolutely nothing for them. The youngest lived some distance away but kept in touch. I stayed close and shared my life with them.
I have done all the caring. Both the good and the dross. The transporting to medical appointments, the shopping, the gardening, the worrying.
We will all get equal shares of the inheritance and when I think that unfair I remind myself that while they will get an equal share of the money, I got the greater share of my parents. I was lucky to share my life with them. I got more of a relationship with them, more of the good (and yes the bad) but more of the memories and that has enriched my life and is something to hold on to.
You got more than your brother. Hold that to you

I'm assuming you were close to your mother, lived close for many years, you are the only daughter with the luxury of your children seeing her often, did she help with your child rearing?
Maybe looking after her when old was to be expected from you.

Brothers whether near or far sometimes do not get the same level of attention with their offspring even when close by. You have not had to fight for the attention of your mother.

Your relationship was very secure, what you see as neglect from your brother was just him making his way in the world, now why should he be penalised for that.

Your brothers have done well, you should feel happy for them, the estate should have been fairly shared by the 4 of you.

I'm afraid your post shows little understanding of fairness, it almost looks as though you tried to coerce your mother into seeing your point of view regarding her will.

Your brother must have been seething with you, as I would have been.
The picture situation is probably him lashing out with being unreasonable just as you have been.

And yes most families have this monatary difference and yes most people expect inheritances to be shared.

Your brother was acting in not just his interests but in his brothers aswell, your mother would never have altered her will without your influence, I'm sure of that.

@twilightermummy

You all sound scared of him.

Yes. I think that's true. db3 is, definitely. My dm was. He is a bully.

@Offintothesunset

I can't offer any great wisdom and feel your hurt at the injustice but can offer my own perspective. I am the middle of 3 children. The eldest stayed local to my parents but did absolutely nothing for them. The youngest lived some distance away but kept in touch. I stayed close and shared my life with them. I have done all the caring. Both the good and the dross. The transporting to medical appointments, the shopping, the gardening, the worrying. We will all get equal shares of the inheritance and when I think that unfair I remind myself that while they will get an equal share of the money, I got the greater share of my parents. I was lucky to share my life with them. I got more of a relationship with them, more of the good (and yes the bad) but more of the memories and that has enriched my life and is something to hold on to. You got more than your brother. Hold that to you

Thank you.

Absolutely agree. I had the most wonderful dps, and am grateful for every minute I got to spend with them. Glad you got to enjoy that precious time with your parents too.

@Nancydrawn

Did he really tell his mother he wouldn't sit shiva for her if she didn't divide the inheritance equally?! That's beyond shitty.

OP, I am torn here. On one had, I absolutely acknowledge that your brother is an absolute shit for blackmailing his mother like that. I also think refusing, then, to follow through (by avoiding the Kaddish or the stone setting) makes his blackmail even less honorable.

On the other hand, gently, I think it's right that the inheritance was split in four. It's the only fair way to do it. Leaving it to grandchildren isn't fair, as you don't know if your currently-childless children will go on to have grandchildren after your death. It would have been kind of her to pay you in her lifetime for taking care of her. That would certainly have been fair. But I don't think you can expect inheritance to be applied unevenly, particularly so unevenly.

On a final note, I know you're hurting, but claiming that every poster who disagrees with you is secretly your brother-in-disguise...well, it's not going to win anyone over to your side. And it's a kind of emotional manipulation of its own. I don't care, particularly, as you're a stranger, but it's possible you should reflect more closely on your brother's perspective.

Very well, and very kindly, said.

@Onthedunes

it almost looks as though you tried to coerce your mother into seeing your point of view regarding her will.

No. This is absolutely the opposite of what happened. It's a really vile, disgusting accusation.

My dm came up with the idea of changing her will without any input from me (or anyone else I know of). I had never discussed wills with her as I would have frankly found such a conversation both inappropriate and morbid. I was surprised when she brought it up and suggested leaving me the house.

Far from encouraging her to do this, I did the opposite - asked her how my dbs would feel about it/if it would be fair on them and as much as possible tried to shut down the conversation, because it felt absolutely inappropriate and uncomfortable having that conversation. I wanted my dm to live for as many more years as possible. I certainly didn't want to be discussing her will. And as a prospective heir, it felt inappropriate for me to express a view that might influence her decision.

I do wonder how much those suggesting that I tried to 'coerce my mother into seeing my point of view regarding her will' are projecting - I can only assume this is what they would do in that situation. Because otherwise it is a weird and revolting thing to suggest.

I am really disgusted by the horrible victim-blaming in this thread - posters have made up accusations that my dm must have mistreated my db, or that I must have tried to persuade my dm to leave me the house. Vile people.

@Onthedunes

I'm assuming...

You seem to have an entire post full of assumptions there. Sadly, they're all at best long off the mark or at worst offensive bollocks.

@CheekyHobson

Recommend you read the whole thread before commenting?

I've repeatedly explained that what I was upset about was that db1 blackmailed my dm into changing her will against her wishes (NOT my wishes), and then let her down by not bothering to attend or even dial into her stonesetting (I understand that the funeral itself could have been tricky due to lockdown).

It's just nonsense to say I 'seem largely unconcerned about this' i.e. the religious aspect. I don't think my db is the only one who can say prayers, but I was anything but 'unconcerned' about how much the threat of his not attending the funeral and saying prayers distressed her.

I just don't think you can have read the thread at all if you're trying to claim that.