Page 32 | Can't cope with DS being transgender

YellowBrickWall · 2022-03-25T12:57:16+00:00

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do. It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do. He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

Annette32123 · 30/03/2022 20:59

@RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie

Mental health support? Absolutely. Somebody to decree they are abnormal or normal? Absolutely not.

Gauss will be gutted.

Justanotherlittlename · 03/10/2022 17:11

How’s your son @YellowBrickWall ?

viques · 03/10/2022 20:12

YellowBrickWall · 28/03/2022 19:21

You invalidate her experience by saying its just a phase, just a trend. What makes you think that?

The way I explained it to him is that it seems like he could be 'trying it on for size' to see if trying to resemble a female is something that fits comfortably with him but that he can't actually be a woman. So what need is it that is being met by calling himself a woman.

He seems very confused about specifics.

For example, I asked how does presenting in a feminine way as a male differ from presenting as an actual female? He couldn't answer this. I asked if it was society's intolerance of feminine men that made it easier for him to say he is female. He couldn't really answer that either other than to say he just wants to be seen as female so if he tells people he's female, they will go along with it and treat him as if he is. I asked how they would treat him differently and he just says 'by seeing me as female'. I said that people won't see him as female, they will register him as a transwoman. The same as, without judgement, we visually acknowledge someone's ethnicity, height, weight, etc. He then said he didn't need others to validate him which confused me.

We talked more about this today and he said that when he started reading more about transgenderism about a year ago he thought he would like to present differently to the world. He already had transitioning friends so feels comfortable with the whole concept and I honestly think he just wanted to join in and have a go for himself. To experiment. The things that he is doing/wanting to do are all superficial. He doesn't want to undertake hormone medication and he doesn't want surgery.

Furthermore, he said that when he first changed his name and pronouns it felt wrong to him. It felt like he was lying and asking his friends to lie. Now he has got used to it he says it feels normal.

I asked him what identity he is using on his job applications and he said he is using his old name and male pronouns for continuity. So at the moment he is actually 'deadnaming' himself. Which further confuses me.

This is why I think it could be a phase in line with the current trends.

Also, he has very little understanding of the impact on women. One thing we did discuss further today is self ID. I explained why I am against self ID and why it's so hard for me to go against that for him. I told him that he is more important than the rest of the world to me but does he expect me to drop all my principles because of that.

Very briefly (sorry don't want to bore everyone) we talked about single sex spaces and how this problem could be easily overcome with third spaces if the TRAs put their money and influence behind it and that women would fully support it too. He said that would still exclude transwomen from women's spaces and I said so what? - they would have the services, provision and protections they need, why do they have to prevent women from having the single sex spaces that they both need and are entitled to in law. He did agree once he thought about it.

We are still coming at this from opposing sides and have a long way to go. Sometimes all I see is a little lost boy, a young man who cut himself trying to shave his chest and I want to do whatever it takes to help and protect him. And then I see a young, inexperienced male challenging a mature female and I can't just give him what he wants because I'm not convinced it's what he needs and it would cause immense distress to me too.

Still struggling with this but really thankful to be able to articulate my thoughts here.

I think the way you are dealing with this situation is brilliant. You are first of all having an open dialogue with you child, but at the same time you are challenging them to not only think about the effect self ID has on all women but also making it clear that much as you love them you will not compromise your beliefs identity and ideals just to validate theirs. Too often GC people capitulate, either because they are frightened of being called TERF, or because they want to be kind to someone who is struggling with their identity, but as you have shown with your child if you challenge them to articulate and justify their beliefs they will begin to understand what they are actually expecting women to concede.

I really don’t think many young people realise that the advances women have made towards equality in the last hundred years have been a series of hard fought battles, for voting rights, equal pay, employment rights, pension rights, maternity rights, safe places for domestic abuse victims etc etc. Transwomen need to understand that we are not just going to hand over our rights and spaces to them, they have to fight their own battles for safe spaces which don’t encroach on ours.

Omeqq · 03/10/2022 20:17

@YellowBrickWall that sounds like a shock for you and hard to get your head around.

You are very likely to lose your relationship with your child if you don’t get over this, though. He wants to use a different pronoun, just let him? That’s what makes your child more comfortable?

Whether you think it’s not real or not is not really relevant…?

Again I know it can’t be easy at all, but they’re still the same person, they just want to express their identity differently.

Original poster

YellowBrickWall · 04/10/2022 00:05

Justanotherlittlename · 03/10/2022 17:11

How’s your son @YellowBrickWall ?

Thanks for checking in with me. It's been 6 months since I first posted and much has changed.

He decided to get married to his partner this winter but DH and I are not invited because he would not feel comfortable having us there. This is the problem we've had all along. There really is no compromise so all I can do is respect his decision and hope that he has a lovely day.

Anyway, since that conversation he decided to move out and is now staying with friends. And he has a job, which is great as he was finding it a bit of a struggle financially.

OP posts:

Justanotherlittlename · 04/10/2022 10:17

@YellowBrickWall sorry to hear that 😞 am I right in remembering he’s marrying a woman? Does he call himself a lesbian? Sending strength and solidarity.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/10/2022 10:28

I’ve just picked up the thread. I’m so sorry to read your story. This sounds so difficult for you. Do you still keep in touch?

TheGoodFighter · 04/10/2022 11:02

Cheetocat · 25/03/2022 13:52

She's your child, don't you love her anyway? Why does her gender bother you? Yes, it's an adjustment but if it means your own flesh and blood gets to be happy in her own skin then how could you deny that?

HE is her child, and HIS sex is male. IT's very easy for you to say "why would this bother you" when you have no idea how you would actually feel.

It's a trend. It's a zeitgeist. It's a big fat ball of bollocks and we ALL know that you can't change sex. Lying about it is distressing for many of us.

Original poster

YellowBrickWall · 04/10/2022 14:12

He is marrying a woman but she identifies as non binary and, last I heard was going by a male name. He will be the bride at the wedding, I don't know what she will be, I guess either also a bride, or the groom, or nothing. I don't know what you call a non binary spouse, if she is not his wife or his husband.

We are in touch but it's always me that initiates the contact. We haven't seen him since he moved out and I don't see how we can ever see him again. It's heartbreaking.

OP posts:

viques · 04/10/2022 15:15

YellowBrickWall · 04/10/2022 14:12

He is marrying a woman but she identifies as non binary and, last I heard was going by a male name. He will be the bride at the wedding, I don't know what she will be, I guess either also a bride, or the groom, or nothing. I don't know what you call a non binary spouse, if she is not his wife or his husband.

We are in touch but it's always me that initiates the contact. We haven't seen him since he moved out and I don't see how we can ever see him again. It's heartbreaking.

Confused man marries confused woman. It could be a lot messier. It sounds as though both of them have backed themselves into a woke corner, perhaps the marriage will be a way of finding a path out of their confusion.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/10/2022 11:50

i just don't get the drama of all this! why cant people just do what they want. You've lost your child all because of your own actions. it's really not that big of a deal - you could have just said ok. and moved on from it - you don't really have to do much to accept it / change anything about yourself - except use a different name - that's it! why is that so hard

TheGoodFighter · 05/10/2022 11:55

If you don;t get it, you don't understand any of it. Your own inability to think this through is not an indication of anything except your lack of intellect.

It's not about using a different name.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/10/2022 12:01

its not worth losing your child over though is it!

midgetastic · 05/10/2022 12:22

There are sone things that happen that mean you lose contact with your child - through your choice or theirs

The child is the one not actually getting in touch if I read OPs posts correctly . Op is howeve not prepared to change her moral values to align with the child

Everyone will have their own point of exclusion - sone parents will support their child man's believe them despite conviction for murder , others will find that abusive bullying behaviour is enough to make them want to reduce contact

shipwreckedonhighseas · 05/10/2022 15:13

It's a pity you're losing him over this. Probably a wise move re the wedding as I doubt you would have felt comfortable either. But relationally, old age without your children could be long and empty. I would prioritise finding a way to keep my children close even if we didn't like each other's choices.

midgetastic · 05/10/2022 15:14

Long and empty ? Hyperbole

Iwasnotmadeforthistypeoflife · 05/10/2022 15:20

I'm blame social media. Poor kids these days ....I shudder to think what life will be like in 20 years. Everything is a fad, a craze,...... diabolical

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/10/2022 15:22

shipwreckedonhighseas · 05/10/2022 15:13

It's a pity you're losing him over this. Probably a wise move re the wedding as I doubt you would have felt comfortable either. But relationally, old age without your children could be long and empty. I would prioritise finding a way to keep my children close even if we didn't like each other's choices.

@shipwreckedonhighseas

nah!

Friendships, holidays, hobbies….I’m sure op will have no bother filling her life

ThreeRingCircus · 05/10/2022 15:49

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/10/2022 11:50

i just don't get the drama of all this! why cant people just do what they want. You've lost your child all because of your own actions. it's really not that big of a deal - you could have just said ok. and moved on from it - you don't really have to do much to accept it / change anything about yourself - except use a different name - that's it! why is that so hard

It's not just a name though is it? And no, people cannot "just do what they want" when it tramples over women's rights to protection and to single sex spaces.

I'm sorry to read your update @YellowBrickWall . It had sounded like you'd had some very calm, rational chats with him where you'd put forward your POV and told him that you love him. It's a shame that he wasn't able to articulate his side, but doesn't surprise me at all.

I also wouldn't just discard my entire belief system for someone that couldn't even explain to me why I should, or why I'm wrong. Even if that was my child.

I sincerely hope you all find a way through this, your love for your child is clear so just keep doing what you're doing OP, I have great respect for you.

amispeakingintongues · 05/10/2022 16:11

I too hope he stops punishing you like this OP. If I was in your position i’d think and feel the same. There’s so much self-righteousness these days and its totally encouraged by media, especially if it has anything to do with gender identity. Your child should really just respect your wishes. I hope he sees sense in all the chaos sooner rather than later.

UWhatNow · 05/10/2022 16:15

I feel for you op. Your heartbreak and frustration comes through. I think this whole thing is particularly cruel on mothers because they’ve birthed and nurtured that child. They know exactly what they are biologically.

Even worse is that society paints you as the subversive one, like ‘what’s so hard about about calling them a different name?’ How can you encapsulate 23 years of feelings and anger about being psychologically coerced to lie about your own history and your own child’s identity? Or anyone’s identity for that matter? It’s actually perverse and abusive. And yet society seems to think it’s grand and something to be celebrated.

crumpetswithjam · 05/10/2022 16:32

UWhatNow · 05/10/2022 16:15

I feel for you op. Your heartbreak and frustration comes through. I think this whole thing is particularly cruel on mothers because they’ve birthed and nurtured that child. They know exactly what they are biologically.

Even worse is that society paints you as the subversive one, like ‘what’s so hard about about calling them a different name?’ How can you encapsulate 23 years of feelings and anger about being psychologically coerced to lie about your own history and your own child’s identity? Or anyone’s identity for that matter? It’s actually perverse and abusive. And yet society seems to think it’s grand and something to be celebrated.

From the second they are born our children have the right to live their own lives. Some people have more trouble understanding that concept than others.

Member82 · 05/10/2022 16:56

wearingtheT · 25/03/2022 14:54

You and me both,I also hate the false statistics relating to suicide and abuse of trans.It’s time people woke up to the fact that we will have a generation of severely traumatised adults in a few years time,all regretting joining the trans cult..
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😂😂 as I said to my DD, at least I'll only have a bad perm to be embarrassed about.

What a horrible person you are to write something like this. And just one of many truly horrible women on this thread I might add. You know nothing of the queer experience - their feelings, thoughts, wants, and needs, but all claim to be experts on biology, psychology, and government medical statistics. Shame on you all. This generation of young people are opening up the world to new types of living, embracing their true selves and doing away with the shame that wrecked the lives of so many queer people for far too long. It is people like you who should be ashamed and will one day live to regret turning your backs on those who are different.

To the original poster. You brought a soul into this world. When you carried them in your belly, you might have prayed that they'd be safe and happy. I'm sure you never prayed that they would think and behave exactly as you do. You raised a soul who has decided to change their outward appearance to match how they feel on the inside. This is a beautiful thing and you can help make it so if you just ask yourself "Am I willing to lose the beautiful soul, for whom I carried and cared for so long, for no good reason? Because of what the neighbours might think?"

Every generation changes their thoughts on certain subjects. Do not die alone knowing that you were so rigid in your thinking that you lost a great love from your life.

Use their name and pronouns. Yes, you will make mistakes, but it will become natural to you. You have a beautiful child. Stop being so rigid.

BringMeTea · 05/10/2022 17:02

Oh bore off pp.

waterlego · 05/10/2022 17:13

@Member82, have you actually read the OP’s posts? This isn’t about ‘what the neighbours might think’.