Do you know anyone who went missing?

[FuckThatBullshit]

Inspired by another poster and it's an internet rabbit hole I regularly go down because I find missing people stories fascinating and spooky and obviously very sad. Do you know anyone who just... vanished?

My grandad was a former missing person. He was born in Ireland and came from a very abusive home. When he was 14 he ran away from home, made it to England, and never went back. He got a job at a greengrocer in London and married the owner's daughter (my grandmother). He only gave the slightest details to us about his early life and never had any contact with his family after he left. I'd have liked to have traced his family but he had the most Irish name in existence so tracing his history was next to impossible. Also we suspect he "changed" his birthday so couldn't even find birth records for him

@Meidid I am routing for you too.

I'm not technically missing as it turns out my parent knows where I live but I have no clue how. I burn or return to sender post and will never speak to her again. She will never be allowed to see me children. Fuck that she's in pain and sorry and sad. She put money, sex, men, freedom, everything before me on more than one occasion including messing things up for me every time I was settled and happy. Didn't want to know when I wasn't happy and was being abused though. That all right with you @MotherofAutism .

@satelliteheart

My grandad was a former missing person. He was born in Ireland and came from a very abusive home. When he was 14 he ran away from home, made it to England, and never went back. He got a job at a greengrocer in London and married the owner's daughter (my grandmother). He only gave the slightest details to us about his early life and never had any contact with his family after he left. I'd have liked to have traced his family but he had the most Irish name in existence so tracing his history was next to impossible. Also we suspect he "changed" his birthday so couldn't even find birth records for him

That’s very sad. I know an adult man who had done this. Also Irish. For the same reasons.

Someone local to me went missing a couple of years ago. They found his belongings but have never found him.

@satelliteheart
That's so very sad. However if you wanted to pursue your Irish background you could do an Ancestry DNA test.
So many sad stories about children in Irish orphanages being put to work on farms once they got in to their teens - slave labour.
Your grandfather may have been one of these children.
Or he may have just had the misfortune of an awful birth family - it may have been with an abusive father and a terrified mother.
Google Tuam Babies to give you an idea of what went on.
The saint woman Catherjne Corless who discovered this atrocity and pursued the authorities went to school with some of the children from the orphanage but they were kept separate.
Heartbreaking.

@satelliteheart
My grandmas story was similar to your grandads she was born in Ireland and left at the age of 18 after her father died.Her mother died when she was 6 and her father remarried.Her stepmother was a nasty woman who treated my grandma appallingly.When she was old enough she came to England and trained to be a nurse and never went back.Her 2 siblings both came to England when they were 18 and none of them ever returned to the family home.My grandma did return to Ireland a few times with my mum and we had a few family holidays there but she never returned to the area she was from.
My grandma died about 15 years ago but myself and my mum are planning to go to the area she grew up in next year as we still have distant relatives on my great grandads side there who we have never met.

A man calling himself Peter Bergman - checked into a hotel in Southern Ireland in 2009. Spent a few days surreptitiously disposing of his possessions around town.

He took a taxi ride to the beach where his body was found the next day. He had died of natural causes.

Who was he really ?

Peter Bergman wasn't his real name. Who was he ?

@Meidid You are an inspiration

MotherofAutism How incredibly heartless of you. Obviously you have never been in this position and have NO idea why some of us have to choose this path in life. You owe Meidid a huge apology.

Meidid Please try to ignore the detractors and keyboard warriors, they don't have a clue and only think about 'those left behind who worry about us every day'. Like you the ones I have left behind don't give a s**t about me except they would love to be involved in all the gossip and nasty comments, that is what selfish is all about. Going missing is not a crime

For me the choice I made was not to go and live in the wilderness with a bag full of cash there are other ways to 'hide in plain sight' but other people do what is right for them and that is OK too. I would never tell anyone their choice was wrong.

Just yesterday at a medical appointment the lady checking me in started asking more questions than necessary so I quickly turned each of her questions back onto her which she did not like. None of these questions were relevant to my reason for being there she was just being nosey and made some nasty and derogatory remarks. Wrong person for the job and who I suspect would be the type to spread your history given half a chance.

To all the posters who extended support I want to say thanks for accepting, understanding and non-judgmental. Last but not least, I applaud the missing posters and as Kermit once said it's not easy being green well in this case it's not easy being missing.

@meidid I'm very sorry but I do have one strong criticism to make and even though I'll get slammed on here I really ought to call you out on it so you know better in future. That JD and coke you mentioned...

You didn't say double! 🤣💕😉🥃

When I was camping in c.1990, a young girl was abducted from the campsite. My cousins had been playing with her the previous day. I'm unsure what the outcome was.

When I was at school, a friends dad used to go missing for several days at a time. He did it at least 3 times.

Here is a new thread about Noah Donohoe, a boy who went missing in 2020. Noah's body was found after 6 days but there are so many unanswered questions about what really happened to him in that time.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/human_rights/4512617--JusticeForNoahDonohoe-BrandonLewisReleaseTheFiles

www.change.org/p/brandonlewis-release-the-noah-donohoe-files-justicefornoah

My worry is that a lot of people who go 'missing' (and haven't come to harm) are actually suffering from mental illness. For those people, not letting their loved ones know they are alive IS actually really selfish and leaving loved ones in a constant state of limbo. It's like when teenage girls go missing for 2 days and make no connection to the distress they're causing everyone.

I did see an appeal though today for a missing person and immediately thought of this lady on the thread and winced - what happens if that guy doesn't want to be found either because of awful circumstances? And now suddenly everyone is reminded of what he looks like. I did commend to that effect. There needs to be a better, more secure way of 'going missing' if it's for that person's safety.

I guess the hard bit is distinguishing between those who have disappeared to save themselves and those that believe they are doing that but in actual fact aren't.

I'm just thinking (god forbid) if one of my kids went missing. I would just want to know they're alive. But then, I'm not abusing them.

These musings over people who choose to go missing have reminded me of another incident.

When I was a teenager I was an active girl guide and we had a lovely small unit and I worshipped our guide leaders as second mums. One day, one of my friends, who was a girl guide with me, went missing. It was all over the local news and all of us were very worried and shocked by it.
I was then utterly horrified when I accidentally over heard our guide leaders talking about it. They bitched for 15 minutes about how everyone knew she was a bit of a slag and had probably got herself pregnant and run away. This was a 15 year old girl that I thought they loved and cared for (and she was nothing of the sort, not that it matters). As it was, she was found a few days later and she had run away because she was suffering horrendous physical and sexual abuse and her step father was later jailed for it.
But the whole thing really shocked me about how people can behave in these situations and the judgments that can be made and has stayed with me and I never forgave those leaders for making those awful comments.

@LadyEloise1 thank you, I hadn't actually thought of the DNA searches. I looked into his past about 20 years ago when the tests weren't available and hadn't thought to go back to it now

Unfortunately he had an unpleasant birth family. From what little he shared it was an abusive alcoholic father who would get paid in cash on Friday, go to the pub and drink most of the money away then stagger home and beat his wife and children. Unfortunately not an unusual situation at that time. I can't say I blame him for never wanting to go back, but I'd like to know what happened to his siblings and if they had families of their own

@satelliteheart
That is so sad and not unusual.
His mother may have been heartbroken when he left.
She was an abused wife and mother with no money and no where to go.
No supports like nowadays - Woman's Aid, State Benefits etc.
Think of the DNA option.
Some people have serious misgivings though, of handing over their DNA to a company.
For my dh it answered questions he had long being asking so he felt it was worth it.

I went to school with a girl from a very strict Muslim family, who had lots of relatives in Pakistan. We were friends but only ever saw her at school; she wasn't allowed out at weekends etc. and me and my friends never even got her phone number as she wasn't allowed to give it out. One day in the middle of year 10 (age 14!) she disappeared. Rumour was that she'd been sent to Pakistan to get married. We often wonder what happened to her. I knew a few other girls in 6th form who went on long family holidays to Pakistan but they a eventually came back again, pregnant and with their new husbands in tow.

@SantaHat

These musings over people who choose to go missing have reminded me of another incident.

When I was a teenager I was an active girl guide and we had a lovely small unit and I worshipped our guide leaders as second mums. One day, one of my friends, who was a girl guide with me, went missing. It was all over the local news and all of us were very worried and shocked by it.
I was then utterly horrified when I accidentally over heard our guide leaders talking about it. They bitched for 15 minutes about how everyone knew she was a bit of a slag and had probably got herself pregnant and run away. This was a 15 year old girl that I thought they loved and cared for (and she was nothing of the sort, not that it matters). As it was, she was found a few days later and she had run away because she was suffering horrendous physical and sexual abuse and her step father was later jailed for it.
But the whole thing really shocked me about how people can behave in these situations and the judgments that can be made and has stayed with me and I never forgave those leaders for making those awful comments.

That’s absolutely sickening.

But then, I'm not abusing them.

@CoastalWave

Abusers won't have it that they are abusive and are abusing someone. No, that wasn't aimed at you or anyone else.

No abuser will. The abuser has no insight into their behaviour or why it's wrong or why the person on the receiving end has a problem with it.

They will minimise their behaviour - at best. They will victim blame. As for stopping. Nope.

Some people go missing because they are having a diva drama.

Some people go missing because of their own mental health issues.

Some people go missing because they have run into some trouble how ever small and can't face the consequences.

Some people go missing to escape horrific abuse.

Some people go missing because they are in fear of their life.

Some people don't realise they are missing they are just hopeless at keeping in touch/choose not to.

Some people change their name then die only known as their new name.

Some people die of natural causes and aren't found for a long time/ever.

Some take their own life.

Some are murdered.

Some are frauds either in their present life or the life and name and identity they were known by previously.

Some just want a fresh start - for their own reasons.

Some are taken by family i.e. arranged marriages overseas to a cousin or person they have never met.

Or was the case on this thread, a British family left Australia without saying they were returning to Britain because the wife didn't like the husband's family.

Or as in another example, a guy's family aided and abetted him disappearing out of his partner and child's life. Until the day came when he wanted to play, 'happy families' with his now 15 year old child. Err, that'll be a no.

The police do occasionally re-examine cases, 40 years and still not identified, hopefully someone will come forward with information. (Unidentified body of a woman)

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-60794958

The Hannah Upp story is fascinating, and this guy tells it well

Lord lucan and Richey Edwards.
What happened to them?

@MrsMarkRonson

Lord lucan and Richey Edwards. What happened to them?

Lord Lucan was declared dead a few years ago so his son could inherit.

Some people think he committed suicide shortly after he went missing, I think he was probably hidden by his rich and well connected friends.

@SantaHat

My ex husband has been technically missing for a few years now. He was an alcoholic and drug addict who had cut himself off from family and friends. He left some very desperate sounding messages on his mum’s voicemail begging for money and when he didn’t return any calls, she and his brother went round to his last known address. It was a rented property and it was a complete mess. Everything was filthy and in a state and he’d literally ripped the copper out of the walls. They reached out to the police who couldn’t have given less of a shit and we still don’t know where he is or even whether he’s alive. It’s sad to say but the family is pretty resigned to the fact that perhaps one day they’ll get an answer but don’t expect anything other than to hear his body has turned up somewhere.

^^Pretty much identical story but with my brother.