Do you know anyone who went missing?

[FuckThatBullshit]

Inspired by another poster and it's an internet rabbit hole I regularly go down because I find missing people stories fascinating and spooky and obviously very sad. Do you know anyone who just... vanished?

[quote zafferana]@Meidid your story is very thought provoking on the whole 'helping the family to find closure about someone who is missing' issue. I'm amazed you've managed to keep your secret all this time and build a new life for yourself - good for you!

Do you think that once your abusers are dead you'll feel able to reclaim your identity, or at least officially change your name to the one you use now, get a passport, possibly learn to drive and do those things that you've never been able to do before, for fear of detection?[/quote]
I'll never go back to my old name. I've been me for so long now it would be very odd to revert back, plus I like my name, it has no associations with my abusers. It was weird in the first few months, I kept forgetting my name, so if I went to the doctors I would miss the first couple of shouts of my name.

I will legally change my name when they are dead though, I already have my first holiday destination all planned out. That will be my celebration.

I think not changing my name yet is maybe over cautious at this point, it doesn't generally effect anything in my life today though so I'll hold out.

Its been difficult to keep it a secret at points. I have never really been drunk for that reason, and keeping it hidden from my ex when he wanted more that I could give him was very hard, as was the split. That's the closest I have ever been to telling anyone, but it would have been ruined anyway because I'm not sure he could forgive me for not telling him the truth for so long. But I got my children, and, despite me thinking the case would be otherwise, I'm a good, and loving Mum, so I can't regret anything.

I don't live my life in fear at all anymore. The chances of me being even recognised now are so tiny, and I'm used to the way I live so it doesn't feel like I've been deprived of anything at all with the allowances I've had to make for my situation.

I'm sure my story, in the time period I left in, isn't very unusual. It was definitely relatively easy to do then if you needed to.

I can't go into details, but trust me, if the GP had done as the family requested the person would never have been able to go to New York.

I have had one good friend for over 30yrs - we used to work together - he comes from a very large family (7-8 siblings?) and one of the younger brothers has not been in contact for almost all of that time. He would go years at a time with v little contact, then eventually it stopped. One of his older brothers is now proposing they club together to hire a PI to at least find out if he's still alive - and tell him they are still thinking about him and want contact if he does.

My friend is unsure, he doesn't know of any reason why his bro would not want to be in touch - but he saw the fallout in my family when my cousin's adopted DD was found on FB by her birth family - and came crashing back into her life - so he is reluctant to encourage the idea. Some of the siblings are still in the same small town, so would be easy to find if the missing bro decided he wanted to get back in touch. I think the oldest of the siblings are beginning to reflect on their own age/mortality so want to see him before any of them die.

@BowerOfBramble

An ancestor of mine was another that left one day and never came back. Turned out he'd moved up north and had another family. I think secretly his family were pleased as he was a bit of a bastard.

I also have a friend whose parent would say they are "missing". They're not missing, they have a restraining order against the parent and don't want to be found. The parent regularly searches for them and cons other people into seeking the "missing" child, following up leads with workplaces and friends etc. It's actually scary. One of them called my mobile once asking me to get Friend to contact the parent as they were seriously ill etc - all bollocks of course. Parent is a dangerous and violent person and I know how much it stresses Friend out worrying that one day someone will believe one of these cock and bull stories and actually hand over their contact details.

From my experience, someone will believe the cock and bull stories and her contact details will be given. I've had years of this. I had a few years of my family not knowing my address, but now they do and it makes you feel like you can't breathe easy any more.

I already have my first holiday destination all planned out. That will be my celebration.

That sounds like the happy ending of a film - where the person on the run from the bad guys for years finally gets to relax and savour a cocktail by the beach or the view from the top of a mountain or to sit in a beautiful historic square somewhere with the sun on their face. I hope you don't have to wait too long @Meidid

Once I had made the decision never to go abroad or get a driving licence I adapted my life to that I just sort of got on with normality, so I'm not sure how to bring things up.

I'll also have to decide whether to tell them individually as they get old enough or to sit them all down together when I feel the youngest is ready.

School trips abroad, end of primary and secondary, meant we got the DC first passports - they wanted information about DH and I - names places of birth etc -so hope you have a plan for that. I did grow up in a family were such trips weren't on the cards due to financial constraints but if you have an ex who might pay - could lead to problems. Not sure what they ask for adult passports - but there may be parental questions there as well - I got my first at 18 when in 6th form just becuase it was easiest for me to do then rather than me having plans to travel.

I suspect people you eventually tell may be shocked but as it's such drastic action I image most would just be concerned about you in the end.

@Calennig our primary school doesn't have trips abroad, we have UK residentials thankfully.

The secondary school has a very limited number of places on theirs, so the whole year doesn't go anyways, but there's some time between now and having to think about that.

It sounds like a massive drama when I'm writing it all down in one place, but it's really not, there's the odd stumbling block, but my reality is very boring.

@zafferana I promise I will post on MN when I finally get on my holiday. Nothing as a fancy as a beach, it's a particular bar I want to go to, in an area I've always wanted to visit. Can't wait for that day.

@Meidid ignore me if I'm being intrusive but was id required to register you dc births?

[quote autienotnaughty]@Meidid ignore me if I'm being intrusive but was id required to register you dc births? [/quote]
Not intrusive at all.

I had the slip thing you get from the hospital. I didn't need any actual ID, but I took bills with my name and address on in case I needed it.

I didn't declare my former name on their birth certificates, I didn't give the correct details for my parents.

I've never heard anything back about it so assume that they didn't check or anything. I'm not too sure how it works.

My best friend's dad, when we were kids. Just disappeared. The poor mum had to wait 7 years for him to be declared dead, so she could move on. The kids were teased and didn't understand what was going on. He turned up some years later, what a selfish twat. It's such a horrible thing to do (if you are in sound mind that is), just have the courage to say you're leaving, or leave a note if you're too cowardly, so your loved ones know you haven't been abducted or murdered.

@overreactionreally

Corrie mckeague Claudia Lawrence Ben needham Andrew gosden

Alll devastating with no closure .

Let's not forget Madeleine McCann :(

@Ratonastick
Your story is appalling. How could his parents behave so obnoxiously? I guess that's where he gets it from. Your ds is lucky to have swerved your xp's and xp's family's influence.

Yes,
My cousin (my adoptive fathers, brother's son) went missing in 1984.
My aunt and uncle went to their graves never knowing what happened to him ☹️
www.google.com/search?q=alan+addis&oq=alan&aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i57j46i67i433l2j46i131i433i512.2439j0j4&client=ms-android-vf-gb-revc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

Correction, 1980

I don’t know anyone personally but I found the the Leah Croucher one incredibly sad. She was only 19 years old and was last seen on cctv in Milton Keynes walking to work at about 8am. Never seen again and 3 years later they are still searching for her. I can’t imagine how devastated and tortured her parents must feel not knowing what happened to her.

Every year where I lived there was at least one man who'd go missing for 2/3 weeks around Christmas or New Year. They'd usually be found in water although never the same place and the cause would always be put down to being drunk and slipping in to a body of water accidentally. I hadn't paid much attention initially but after around 5 years of this happening, I started paying more attention to these men going missing in other areas too. It's so worrying.

I know someone who was pushed into the sea as he was walking home along the harbour from a night out. I don't know whether the perpetrator(s) thought it was just a laugh, or intended something more sinister, but luckily he got out of the water. I didn't realise it was a common thing.

My uncle was pushed into the River by yobs. He can't swim but luckily someone was there and got him out.

Take a look at the Peter Bergmann case in Sligo Ireland. The man arrived in Ireland with no identifying papers, clothes tags cut off his clothes. This man didn't want to be identified. The Gardai/police did every conceivable thing to try and identify him.

www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/the-unsolved-mystery-of-peter-bergmann-1.3923308

It might be worth people's time contacting the Irish police in case any unidentified bodies there are your loved one. It's a slim chance but you never know.

I'd love to go missing, but have no idea how to go about it.
I don't know anyone who left for a long time, but I had a relative who disappeared for around a month, then just came back. I was very young, so never got the full story.

@Gillypip

Take a look at the Peter Bergmann case in Sligo Ireland. The man arrived in Ireland with no identifying papers, clothes tags cut off his clothes. This man didn't want to be identified. The Gardai/police did every conceivable thing to try and identify him.

www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/the-unsolved-mystery-of-peter-bergmann-1.3923308

It might be worth people's time contacting the Irish police in case any unidentified bodies there are your loved one. It's a slim chance but you never know.

I'd never heard of this case before and have just read the entire article you posted from start to finish. It's absolutely devastating but utterly fascinating. I wonder who he was? I really hope this case can be resolved one day, but hopes appear to be fading after so long and so little evidence. What utterly baffled me, which didn't appear to be mentioned in that article, was how he managed to fill the purple plastic bag 13 times from the small amount of belongings he arrived at the hotel with. Staggering, the whole story!

I'd love to go missing, but have no idea how to go about it.

@ZippeeDeeDoohDah that is the only thing that stopped me a few years ago. Probably for the best, I look back and wonder at how close I came to it

@ZippeeDeeDoohDah if you're not being flippant, have you sought help for how you're feeling?

Matthew Choyce, a medic from Newcastle, clothes found on a beach, never to be seen again

@secretrugbyfan I worked with Matthew. Lovely, lovely bloke. Devastating when he went missing.

[quote PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn]@ZippeeDeeDoohDah if you're not being flippant, have you sought help for how you're feeling?[/quote]
Not much point. Can't change the situation really. But the chance to start over would be great. Although I won't do it.