Living a comfortable life from someone else achievements

[yellowskies]

First I want to say, this isn't a humblebrag like someone made out when I tried to word this in person before, that is exactly the problem, nothing is mine to brag about.

I find it a very weird feeling looking at my life and the way I live and not having done anything to achieve it. I grew up poor, with not great parents, strained relationships and just landed on my feet I guess. I dropped out of education repeatedly, couldn't find what interested me, drifted from crappy job to crappy job. I've suffered with my mental health and had periods where I've barely kept myself together and to be honest based off my own choices and my own circumstances if I was alone I wouldn't be doing particularly well.

But I'm not alone, I met and married my (lovely) husband who was in a very different place to me. He was a high earner when we met and has gotten to the top of his industry since so it's only gotten higher. I live in, and legally own half of a house I have paid nothing for and could never dream of affording alone. I drive a car that costs more than I earn in 5 years. I go on holidays and have things that I just wouldn't of if I hadn't met him. I feel really flat having luxuries that aren't really mine, he says it's family money and I of course appreciate it and I don't want to sound ungrateful. But I feel like a complete fraud. I have still achieved nothing in my career, I work 15 hours a week doing admin now that I'm raising kids so I'm earning a pittance but even when I was full time I made pocket change compared to him. Even then the mentality was keep your wage as spending money and live off mine.

I appreciate this does sound like a first world problem and I obviously appreciate there are some people really struggling financially, people in worse situations than I can ever imagine like the Ukrainians. I really mean no disrespect. I just want to not feel this disconnect. Almost guilt really. Even seeing my name on the deeds this house isn't really mine. I've not paid a penny towards my own car. It's almost degrading and sometimes I really want to refuse and pay my own way but I just couldn't. I do contribute from my wages despite his protest but he worked it all out on a salary ratio so it's nothing.

Has anyone felt like this? How do you stop feeling like you're coasting off someone else's success and actually feel like you've achieved and deserve the things in your life?

Could you use your privilege to help others? Spend some time or money helping the community. Might help ease your conscience.

100% i get this! I wouldn't say i am as comfortable as you but i am definitely benefiting massively which leaves me feeling like somewhat if a freeloader or failure.... If it weren't for that what would I have now for example.

I get it

You are working and you're raising children, give yourself a break! It would be easy for you to give up work altogether but you obviously like being productive and contributing at home. Yes, sounds like you were very fortunate in life but that is nothing to feel ashamed of. Your husband sounds lovely.

But you have kids. You are making a valid contribution to society by raising your children in a positive way.

I've got qualifications, always worked, always paid my way, always paid half in my relationship and honestly nothing I have achieved in my life will ever compare to the achievement that is my kids.

What does your husband do? Could you do what he does and earn well?

I guess there's no problem if your dh is fine with it. There are lots of relationships where one of a couple earns significantly more than the other. My dh inherited quite a lot of money and because of this we have been able to have a nice extension built and I was able to leave my very stressful job for a much lesser stressful one which is lower paid. He would rather me be happy though and paid less, although I do feel guilty about earning so little. Having said all this I constantly remind him that I am low maintenance !! I never make expensive purchases or spend loads on lunches/ brows or nails and we don't lead an expensive lifestyle.

Also, in my case, my dh could not have had the career he has without my support and certainly not have had a happy family life without me running it. He earns ( a lot) and does what's needed to ensure that (entertaining, evenings etc) and I facilitate that by doing everything else.
Life is a whole package not just what the wage pays for but the comfort and security of your family that you create

You sound a little bored and unfulfilled? I don’t earn much compared to my partner but I love my job, feel valued and have pride in it. In your shoes I would go back to uni or train to do something I had a genuine interest in.

Look in to volunteering

I had a neighbour a bit like this. Unfortunately her DH left her. And moved on to even greater things.

Do you and your DH love each other?
I can't see how money matters if you do?
If there is no love but it's transactional then I can see why you may feel a fraud.

Id love more money to enjoy this planet with my DH, that's all that matters. Who what where the fund's come from is irrelevant

Big salaries are meant to support the whole family.

DH wouldn’t be earning much if he had to look after you and his kids 24/7.

I volunteer (charity shop) and today a lady told me I was a hero for giving up my free time when my children are at school to work for free. She made my day actually.

Presumably you've helped your DH to achieve? Either by providing childcare or by being a supportive partner. That's not something to underestimate. I know when I was working long hours and travelling often, it made such a difference to have a supportive DP.

I agree with a PP that you sound a little unfulfilled. Perhaps it's time to focus on finding your passion and finding a new career or studying. if it's not about feeling unfulfilled and actually is just about feeling 'unworthy' then a counsellor might help. All of these feelings of judgement and inadequacy are in your head so you're the only one that can address them.

The truth is that’s what you are doing, so you pretty much need to accept it or try to make yourself more financially independent. The fact you classify it as “landing on my feet” indicates you really like it and are materialistic.

My relationship sounds very similar I started my career in beauty therapy then moved onto nhs admin when I had our children so have never been a high earner! Where as my partner now runs his own business and we are very comfortable, he always says he couldn’t do it without me there to support him in running the house and organising the kids lives the dogs vet appointments etc etc! And he wouldn’t be without a family and part of his happiness in what he has achieved is that our children can have their mum take and collect from school everyday and run the around to sports etc (something neither of us did when we were children) I’m sure your husband feels the same way as quite frankly if you both had high powered demanding careers I’m not sure how family life would work or his hands on you’d be able to be with the kids! So although money wise your not bringing as much in I’m sure your ‘worth’ is just as important for the family unit and all of your well-being

I understand how you feel and do feel similarly sometimes.

However, money is not the only measure of your success and the value of your contribution to society.

Some of the most low paid jobs are jobs that keep essential services running (admin staff in public services and charities, teaching assistants, junior healthcare workers, carers, cleaners... etc.)

Also, a job is not everything. Raising your children, giving them love and guidance, supporting them to become responsible adults - that's priceless. The love, emotional support and company that you give to your husband is not something that money can buy. I am sure he wouldn't swap you for someone with a high powered, well paid job.

If you are really struggling with the guilty feeling that you don't deserve the things you have, perhaps explore it in counselling.

You know OP you sound a bit depressed.

The first thing I’d say I’d we are human beings, not human doings (sorry for the cheese) - you are valuable as a person, this would be true even if you’d won the lottery rather than worked as a mother. Your value is not in the money you earn, it’s in who you are - and you are clearly successful at being a partner and parent. The idea we have to do things to be worth something is a very Western concept, and it’s bollocks - no one is going to remember your husband as a highly successful chartered accountant (or whatever), they’ll remember him for the person he was just like they’ll remember you for the person you are

I’d encourage you to see what you have achieved - it’s no mean feat to get through a tough childhood and mental health issues to be a functioning person raising the next generation. Plenty of people with that start in life never get on their feet.

It’s also unrealistic to think all marriages are going to be made up of 2 people with big careers - not everyone can have one, and a lot of families function better when one person can focus more on the family, 2 FT working parents is a huge strain. You having contributed more to the mortgage isn’t in itself important - you have a role in your family, and if you weren’t doing it life might be mire difficult for you all.

What’s great is you have an opportunity, because you don’t have to earn money, to choose what you do with your time. Communities really benefit from people who have time to contribute.

So why don’t you set a 6 month goal to figure out what you might like to do? Think of it as an experiment - don’t worry about finding your passion ((also bollocks), but think about what you are curious about.

I’m not suggesting you are depressed enough to need medical attention, but if you are struggling with negative thinking, do think about some CBT to reframe your thoughts.

To be fair, my DH earns about ten times what I do, and financially has contributed far more. However, I've contributed far more than him to the family unit in every other way, so I don't feel inferior at all.

I've supported him in his career and enabled him to focus on that while I was juggling kids and a part time job as well as sorting all the house admin over the years.

I think you need to find something you love doing. You could re-train? Not particularly wealthy but pretty comfortable (DH also very supportive, respectful and family pot etc) and similar here and I do feel a bit empty sometimes and feel like I should have made different choices but the reality is I had severe mental health issues which really did impact my ability to function so even if i had chosen differently I may have still ended up where I am.

Maybe think about what your dream job would be, I’d disconnect that from money but what would actually bring you fulfilment.

My husband and I are together because we love one another and being together provides each of us with a happier life. Our marriage provides us economic stability and the perfect environment for raising a child. That is our shared goal.

You could look at your life as enjoying the rewards of someone else’s achievements. You could also consider that he chose a partner to raise children with who he thought would help him provide the best launch for those children. The two of you are a unit working together to make your household run. Accomplishments and earnings happen because you support one another and divide the various burdens of and responsibilities of family life.

You had a really difficult start in life and it’s always difficult when someone gets off to a bad start.

You sounds very conscientious and not like you’re freeloading at all. You and your DH both work hard by the sound of it (oh just read another post and sounds like you work far harder!) but he got off to a good start and has been successful in a financial sense. I’m autistic and have mental health problems so got off to a really bad start and my ex husband is a high earner. Without his maintenance money my life would be extremely difficult (and will be in 17.5 months when I lose it!).

You wouldn’t think it was fair if your DH had ten times the luxuries you have….that would be considered financial abuse. He loves you and the things you contribute to the relationship and I’m sure he wouldn’t want to swap you for someone who earns the same amount as him. He may even enjoy taking care of you in an old-fashioned sort of way ….many men do.

Um also, what all this about volunteer work? The OP works fifteen hours, is raising children and does all the housework and admin.

How does she have the luxury of choosing how to spend her time?!!

@balzamico

Also, in my case, my dh could not have had the career he has without my support and certainly not have had a happy family life without me running it. He earns ( a lot) and does what's needed to ensure that (entertaining, evenings etc) and I facilitate that by doing everything else. Life is a whole package not just what the wage pays for but the comfort and security of your family that you create

I absolutely agree with this. My DH is a high earner but he couldn't be where he is without me at home running the house and seeing to the children. It's not all about financial contribution. He even says he's grateful I don't work (much, I do 10 hours) because his life is easier for it.

Are you very attractive OP? I wonder if women who are very attractive end up with this kind of advantage