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Original poster

Living a comfortable life from someone else achievements

104 replies

yellowskies · 17/03/2022 20:11

First I want to say, this isn't a humblebrag like someone made out when I tried to word this in person before, that is exactly the problem, nothing is mine to brag about.

I find it a very weird feeling looking at my life and the way I live and not having done anything to achieve it. I grew up poor, with not great parents, strained relationships and just landed on my feet I guess. I dropped out of education repeatedly, couldn't find what interested me, drifted from crappy job to crappy job. I've suffered with my mental health and had periods where I've barely kept myself together and to be honest based off my own choices and my own circumstances if I was alone I wouldn't be doing particularly well.

But I'm not alone, I met and married my (lovely) husband who was in a very different place to me. He was a high earner when we met and has gotten to the top of his industry since so it's only gotten higher. I live in, and legally own half of a house I have paid nothing for and could never dream of affording alone. I drive a car that costs more than I earn in 5 years. I go on holidays and have things that I just wouldn't of if I hadn't met him. I feel really flat having luxuries that aren't really mine, he says it's family money and I of course appreciate it and I don't want to sound ungrateful. But I feel like a complete fraud. I have still achieved nothing in my career, I work 15 hours a week doing admin now that I'm raising kids so I'm earning a pittance but even when I was full time I made pocket change compared to him. Even then the mentality was keep your wage as spending money and live off mine.

I appreciate this does sound like a first world problem and I obviously appreciate there are some people really struggling financially, people in worse situations than I can ever imagine like the Ukrainians. I really mean no disrespect. I just want to not feel this disconnect. Almost guilt really. Even seeing my name on the deeds this house isn't really mine. I've not paid a penny towards my own car. It's almost degrading and sometimes I really want to refuse and pay my own way but I just couldn't. I do contribute from my wages despite his protest but he worked it all out on a salary ratio so it's nothing.

Has anyone felt like this? How do you stop feeling like you're coasting off someone else's success and actually feel like you've achieved and deserve the things in your life?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 18/03/2022 07:49

@Viviennemary

I had a neighbour a bit like this. Unfortunately her DH left her. And moved on to even greater things.
What a horrible thing to post 😡
YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators · 18/03/2022 07:50

My first thought when reading your OP, having grown up in a socialist country, is how my upbringing drummed into me that whether postman, CEO, blue collar-worker on the factory floor, surgeon, teacher; nobody's labour is worth more than anyone else's, and that huge fluctuations in remuneration are grotesque. I find I have to remind myself of this very frequently living in the UK, where salaries are so often said to be reflective of a meritocracy, but the merit definitely being linked to vocational and social status. The work you do, your contribution you make through the selling of your time and labour, is worth precisely as much as your DP's. You just live in a society which, for whatever reason, favours and rewards the work your husband does more than it does yours. I suspect your feeling is a consequence of growing up in a classist society with all its prejudices against relative poverty. Please don't feel less worthy.

hidethetoaster · 18/03/2022 07:57

Not RTFT but I'd suggest spending some of that money on some therapy to help you feel more connected with your life.
The feeling of disconnection can come from many places. You've assumed it's because you don't earn but there could be all sorts of things going on.

Loopytiles · 18/03/2022 07:58

Your H gets to be a father and work as though he had no DC, which is of huge benefit to him.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/03/2022 07:58

How do you stop feeling like you're coasting off someone else's success and actually feel like you've achieved and deserve the things in your life?

It's such a shame you feel this way. Your comfortable lifestyle is a product of your DH & your marriage.

Who's to say that he would achieved his success without you? And presumably wouldn't be as happy?

You have played your role in your family, you are raising children and doing more at home; he earns more and presumably works long hours to do so.

Equally, if you were working full-time hours earning a lot of money, that would be fine too.

The dynamics of a relationship don't come down to a balance sheet of equal financial contributions - there's more to it than that.

I think it would be worth getting some counselling to understand and process the feelings you have.

SandalsAndSox · 18/03/2022 08:02

I can sort of relate as but I see it differently. I am a professional in a public sector key worker role and my husband is a highly successful businessman (but also does a huge amount of work for the community). I do feel very privileged but generally it just makes me angry, as my situation shines a light on the fact that society undervalues and underpays the people who really keep the country going. (Not in terms of feeling angry about my own salary but about that of my lower paid colleagues and people in social care etc).

EarringsandLipstick · 18/03/2022 08:05

To imply that a grown adult wouldn’t be successful without your support suggests that they are incapable of looking after themselves

The reality is that most high-earners have a lot of responsibility and work long hours, which is challenging for family life. It's not that the person, often, not always, the man, couldn't do the job without help - it's that they couldn't have all the rest of it, particularly around DC.

GeneLovesJezebel · 18/03/2022 08:07

I was a SAHM for several years. I did all housework, gardening and kids while his career rocketed. He wouldn’t have got where he did if he’d done 50% of what I did.
So no, I don’t feel bad about what I have.

NeedleNoodle3 · 18/03/2022 09:21

I have/had a similar set up to the OP (we’re both retired now in our early to mid 50’s). I’ve never felt like the OP. I’ve help raise three happy DC who are now adults, I now care for my DM who has Alzheimer’s. My DH has paid a fortune into the tax system which pays towards healthcare and child benefit etc for other families so as a family unit I don’t feel as we have been a burden on society. I feel my contribution to family like has been worthwhile and rewarding.
We married when he was penniless and unemployed many years ago.

PinkPetals2 · 18/03/2022 09:51

@GeneLovesJezebel

I was a SAHM for several years. I did all housework, gardening and kids while his career rocketed. He wouldn’t have got where he did if he’d done 50% of what I did. So no, I don’t feel bad about what I have.
I was a SAHM for several years. I did all housework, gardening and kids while his career rocketed. He wouldn’t have got where he did if he’d done 50% of what I did. So no, I don’t feel bad about what I have.

But your DH would still have a good career. A tidy house, a nice garden, and a SAHM organising the kids is going to make or break a career.

You could both have careers and...

employ a cleaner or have a less tidy house.

employ gardeners or have a plain turf garden.

use wrap around care or a nanny for the kids.

It's fine that you make your own life choices (same with OP) but it's naive to think that if you didn't do all of the housework and parenting your DH's career would crumble. It wouldn't. He just would employ people to do the jobs you do, or standards would slip. It wouldn't be his career that fails

PinkPetals2 · 18/03/2022 09:53

**A tidy house, a nice garden, and a SAHM organising the kids ISN'T going to make or break a career.

GeneLovesJezebel · 18/03/2022 09:57

PinkPetals2 - you do t know what my DH’s job was, so you can’t actually say.

mnnewbie111 · 18/03/2022 10:14

@Rosebuud

The truth is that’s what you are doing, so you pretty much need to accept it or try to make yourself more financially independent. The fact you classify it as “landing on my feet” indicates you really like it and are materialistic.
No it doesn't
rarewaves · 18/03/2022 10:20

I'm in a similar sort of position OP but I don't really get the same angst. DH has a very good salary and has got to the top in his career, I have a low-paid, part-time job and have had more difficulties in life which have made it harder to do well in a career. But all our money is family money, I don't feel guilty spending it or feeling that I don't deserve it. I'm happy that my family has a good, comfortable life and we don't have to worry about the increasing cost of living. It doesn't matter to me or DH where that money has come from, we don't quibble over who has paid for what or monitor each other's spending.

DH has always been a high earner since I've known him so I don't pretend that I've facilitated his career really. If he'd never met me, I don't doubt that he would be in exactly the same position in his company. Of course I do more childcare than him (as I work part-time now/was a sahm for the first few years) but then if we'd never met then he wouldn't have had any children in the first place. And he pulls his weight with housework despite working full-time. He chose a career in an industry which doesn't require excessively long hours (he never works weekends and only rarely in the evenings, and doesn't check his work emails on holidays) and we decided to live somewhere so that he can stroll to the office so no long commute either.

PinkPetals2 · 18/03/2022 10:21

@GeneLovesJezebel

PinkPetals2 - you do t know what my DH’s job was, so you can’t actually say.
No I don't but I can't think of many careers that rely on having a nice garden and well kept house.

Unless he is Monty Don and he is taking all of the credit for your hard work.

shivawn · 18/03/2022 10:32

@pinkyredrose

What does your husband do? Could you do what he does and earn well?
Fab idea, sure let's all do this.
hoorayandupsherises · 18/03/2022 10:32

Life is not a meritocracy and people don't get what they deserve - for good or ill.

Most of us are absolutely benefiting from the luck of the draw. I am a high earner: maybe I studied hard, but I benefit from being born white, in a developed country, to parents with a decent income and a good education, to go to a decent school, etc. etc. etc. I come from privilege, if not a rich background.

ParaMonkeyNut · 18/03/2022 10:37

How old are you dc?

I get this and have a need to earn my own money. The downside is that I am eternally stressed and anxious. I don't think I could relax not working form my privileges either but that may be due to insecurity, like I have to earn my keep. DH and I both work and both share the load but we live hectic, stressful lives. I wish I'd win the lottery Smile.

ImAvingOops · 18/03/2022 10:43

I don't know if it's true that lots of men would just outsource what a sahm does. When my dh did his MBA it was financed by work so he was working full time. I did everything else. He wasn't earning so much that he could have afforded the level of childcare/cleaner needed to cover unsocial working hours and the trips away for work/university.
If I was working too, then yes we could have outsourced a lot but in all honesty neither of us would want for both of us to be in full on jobs and not spending enough time with our kids. So the reality would be that he didn't do his MBA (which has significantly enhanced his earning power) or we would have had a smaller family. But his life would be different and missing elements we value.
Being a sahp is more than just providing childcare and cleaning - it's building a family and a home and an environment where the family is happy

MarshaBradyo · 18/03/2022 10:50

You're kidding. It's the absolute opposite.

Agree with this from SaraClara you only have to look at a few threads on here to see it is t true re men.

Having said that op I think you just need to change your mindset or your situation and try not to navel gaze too much. It’s nice to be fortunate and when you’re not then that becomes a reason to find things tough.

Springwreath · 18/03/2022 10:53

Apologies if I am wrong about this one but honestly, I am getting seriously suspicious about the number of sahp v wohp threads appearing on Mumsnet in recent times!

They all start from a different angle but end up as a direct sahm v wohm cat fight. Does one get triggered every time posts fall beneath a certain number or something? Or is it some sort of organised campaign by some sort of lobbying group? Grin

In real life, ime, people have the sense to accept that parents do what works for their individual circumstances at the time. It's only on Mumsnet that there is continual angst about it.

ParaMonkeyNut · 18/03/2022 10:59

@YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators

My first thought when reading your OP, having grown up in a socialist country, is how my upbringing drummed into me that whether postman, CEO, blue collar-worker on the factory floor, surgeon, teacher; nobody's labour is worth more than anyone else's, and that huge fluctuations in remuneration are grotesque. I find I have to remind myself of this very frequently living in the UK, where salaries are so often said to be reflective of a meritocracy, but the merit definitely being linked to vocational and social status. The work you do, your contribution you make through the selling of your time and labour, is worth precisely as much as your DP's. You just live in a society which, for whatever reason, favours and rewards the work your husband does more than it does yours. I suspect your feeling is a consequence of growing up in a classist society with all its prejudices against relative poverty. Please don't feel less worthy.
Were there many SAHM in your socialist home country? I thought most women in socialist societies work outside of the home. The op probably doesn't earn well because she works only 15 hours and is focused on the children and running their home.

Most socialist countries are relatively poor sadly but I like the idea that everyone gets paid them same provided they work the same hours. Unfortunately, in reality, there is a privileged and often corrupt class in socialist countries too. But in theory I like the idea that we are all equal.

Yebbie · 18/03/2022 11:56

@Springwreath

Apologies if I am wrong about this one but honestly, I am getting seriously suspicious about the number of sahp v wohp threads appearing on Mumsnet in recent times!

They all start from a different angle but end up as a direct sahm v wohm cat fight. Does one get triggered every time posts fall beneath a certain number or something? Or is it some sort of organised campaign by some sort of lobbying group? Grin

In real life, ime, people have the sense to accept that parents do what works for their individual circumstances at the time. It's only on Mumsnet that there is continual angst about it.

This isn't a SAHM mum thread, OP isn't a SAHM.
Yebbie · 18/03/2022 11:57

To be more specific it isn't a stay at home mum vs working mum argument because the OP is a part time working mum, which is the complete middle ground and in my experience the most common these days. I really don't think there's this big rivalry between the two types as most people are somewhere in the middle.

YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators · 18/03/2022 14:06

Para, yes you are right in part. We had socialism lite. There were fewer SAHMs and a definite virtue attached to working, and societal and ideological pressure to "pull one's weight". And definitely discrepancies in the egalitarian ideals: my parents (traditional working class occupations and a high degree of specialism and accomplishment in their fields) were close friends with our neighbours, an academic and a surgeon, both politically active regionally, and there was definitely some ribbing and jibing between my dad and the neighbouring dad about him earning quite a bit more as a surgeon than my dad did in his job despite both working politically to further dismantle the system and 'outdated' values which made this possible. But the bottom line always felt clear to me: our individual time and labour are intrinsically of equal worth. I am always aware that I am benefiting in all areas of my life from someone else's labour, somewhere on the planet, being valued less than mine is valued.