Living a comfortable life from someone else achievements

[yellowskies]

First I want to say, this isn't a humblebrag like someone made out when I tried to word this in person before, that is exactly the problem, nothing is mine to brag about.

I find it a very weird feeling looking at my life and the way I live and not having done anything to achieve it. I grew up poor, with not great parents, strained relationships and just landed on my feet I guess. I dropped out of education repeatedly, couldn't find what interested me, drifted from crappy job to crappy job. I've suffered with my mental health and had periods where I've barely kept myself together and to be honest based off my own choices and my own circumstances if I was alone I wouldn't be doing particularly well.

But I'm not alone, I met and married my (lovely) husband who was in a very different place to me. He was a high earner when we met and has gotten to the top of his industry since so it's only gotten higher. I live in, and legally own half of a house I have paid nothing for and could never dream of affording alone. I drive a car that costs more than I earn in 5 years. I go on holidays and have things that I just wouldn't of if I hadn't met him. I feel really flat having luxuries that aren't really mine, he says it's family money and I of course appreciate it and I don't want to sound ungrateful. But I feel like a complete fraud. I have still achieved nothing in my career, I work 15 hours a week doing admin now that I'm raising kids so I'm earning a pittance but even when I was full time I made pocket change compared to him. Even then the mentality was keep your wage as spending money and live off mine.

I appreciate this does sound like a first world problem and I obviously appreciate there are some people really struggling financially, people in worse situations than I can ever imagine like the Ukrainians. I really mean no disrespect. I just want to not feel this disconnect. Almost guilt really. Even seeing my name on the deeds this house isn't really mine. I've not paid a penny towards my own car. It's almost degrading and sometimes I really want to refuse and pay my own way but I just couldn't. I do contribute from my wages despite his protest but he worked it all out on a salary ratio so it's nothing.

Has anyone felt like this? How do you stop feeling like you're coasting off someone else's success and actually feel like you've achieved and deserve the things in your life?

Definitely don't underestimate what you do. I'm not a single parent but I do (and did) all the parenting etc even though im the higher earner.

I'd be at least 2 grades higher in the civil service if I'd had a partner doing all the hard parenting lark to leave me free to climb the ladder. That's what you've done for your DH.

But if you're feeling unfulfilled then consider retraining to do something you'd love and is worthwhile.

@hidethetoaster

Not RTFT but I'd suggest spending some of that money on some therapy to help you feel more connected with your life. The feeling of disconnection can come from many places. You've assumed it's because you don't earn but there could be all sorts of things going on.

Very good advice. I suspect there’s more going on regarding self esteem and maybe you’ve latched onto the wrong thing.

It is really a sahp v wohp thread though isn't it when all the same arguments are rolled out about how someone's worth and value correlates with how many hours they work per week for money. or not.

Not even that, it’s debate around the value of mothers’ lower vs higher paid WoH.

With little debate around fathers. Who often won’t do things risking any negative impact on their personal earning ability.