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Original poster

Living a comfortable life from someone else achievements

104 replies

yellowskies · 17/03/2022 20:11

First I want to say, this isn't a humblebrag like someone made out when I tried to word this in person before, that is exactly the problem, nothing is mine to brag about.

I find it a very weird feeling looking at my life and the way I live and not having done anything to achieve it. I grew up poor, with not great parents, strained relationships and just landed on my feet I guess. I dropped out of education repeatedly, couldn't find what interested me, drifted from crappy job to crappy job. I've suffered with my mental health and had periods where I've barely kept myself together and to be honest based off my own choices and my own circumstances if I was alone I wouldn't be doing particularly well.

But I'm not alone, I met and married my (lovely) husband who was in a very different place to me. He was a high earner when we met and has gotten to the top of his industry since so it's only gotten higher. I live in, and legally own half of a house I have paid nothing for and could never dream of affording alone. I drive a car that costs more than I earn in 5 years. I go on holidays and have things that I just wouldn't of if I hadn't met him. I feel really flat having luxuries that aren't really mine, he says it's family money and I of course appreciate it and I don't want to sound ungrateful. But I feel like a complete fraud. I have still achieved nothing in my career, I work 15 hours a week doing admin now that I'm raising kids so I'm earning a pittance but even when I was full time I made pocket change compared to him. Even then the mentality was keep your wage as spending money and live off mine.

I appreciate this does sound like a first world problem and I obviously appreciate there are some people really struggling financially, people in worse situations than I can ever imagine like the Ukrainians. I really mean no disrespect. I just want to not feel this disconnect. Almost guilt really. Even seeing my name on the deeds this house isn't really mine. I've not paid a penny towards my own car. It's almost degrading and sometimes I really want to refuse and pay my own way but I just couldn't. I do contribute from my wages despite his protest but he worked it all out on a salary ratio so it's nothing.

Has anyone felt like this? How do you stop feeling like you're coasting off someone else's success and actually feel like you've achieved and deserve the things in your life?

OP posts:
Clarabe1 · 17/03/2022 22:55

It sounds like you are feeling a bit unfulfilled. Everyone says they go to work for the money (which we do) but it's also the feeling of achievement and contribution you get that from work that helps to fulfil your life in a positive way. If you don't need the money you can look into volunteering. It will boost your self esteem and where would society be without the army of volunteers that make an incredible difference?

randella · 17/03/2022 23:01

You're not unreasonable to feel like this. I work with some very rich families, and as a rule the person who made the money is hugely satisfied; whereas the spouse and children can feel unfulfilled and out of their depth.

Etinoxaurus · 17/03/2022 23:06
Flowers Particularly for knowing it’s a nice problem to have. I’m similar, but had a great upbringing Blush I work a bit more than you, but no dcs at home. I have my lazy days and slumps but today I mowed lawn, cooked, cleaned house, ironed shirts, made beds, did some 🤯 household admin, let worker in, looked after ailing dog, cooked supper chatted to all 3 left home kids and did a couple of hours of work. Without exception DH benefited from all that work. If you can afford to make sure those 15 hours woh really make you feel good- I work for a charity, I’m well paid and I love it. Without exception DH benefited from all that work!
Perfectlystill · 17/03/2022 23:08

I am not in your situation but I totally understand what you are saying.

I think doing charity work would make you feel so much better.

Can you take in Ukrainian refugees?

Collect for a local food bank?

Join your local Good Neighbours scheme and talk to the elderly?

saraclara · 17/03/2022 23:13

@Booboobibles

Um also, what all this about volunteer work? The OP works fifteen hours, is raising children and does all the housework and admin.

How does she have the luxury of choosing how to spend her time?!!

Some of the people I volunteer with have full time jobs and toddlers.

Volunteering doesn't have to mean spending a whole day behind a charity shop till. And what we do is hugely rewarding and very much appreciated (and doesn't take long).
The feel good factor benefits me every bit as much (I think) as what we do benefits them. Being useful and valuable to someone is really important for our psyches.

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/03/2022 23:52

@Supersimkin2

A lot of anti comments about this subject are simple misogyny. No one bats an eyelid if it’s a man having a good unearned life.
Really?? No-one complains about cocklodgers then?
Stichintime · 17/03/2022 23:56

Its often those that do the least get the most.

Amlaughingsomuchnot · 17/03/2022 23:59

Just get of your bum and find a job or do volunteering at a charity shop,NT ,litter picking in your village,local school…it really isn’t that hard.

saraclara · 18/03/2022 00:00

@Supersimkin2

A lot of anti comments about this subject are simple misogyny. No one bats an eyelid if it’s a man having a good unearned life.
You're kidding. It's the absolute opposite.
AntikytheraMech · 18/03/2022 00:01

Maybe you'd be better off getting a divorce and taking the assets and living a life you want to?

MistySkiesAfterRain · 18/03/2022 00:03

All you can do is be grateful and live your life by paying it forward.

Rickrollme · 18/03/2022 00:20

I don’t feel that way at all. Partly it’s because I don’t define my life and success by material possessions, but also it’s because I’ve seen firsthand the extent to which extreme financial success is based on luck. I’ve been with my DH since he was a poor student and neither of us had any idea where we would end up. He works very hard and is good at his job but so do a lot of people who never earn what he has. The difference between earning well and earning really well is often about being in the right place at the right time. Most people don’t get rich from their salaries alone. My DH received an unexpected windfall years ago when his company went public. That enabled us to make some higher-risk investments that paid off, and on it goes. DH’s brother is also successful in a similar job and he is reasonably comfortable financially but he didn’t get a windfall like my DH did. He is no less hardworking, smart, or strategic than my DH. Nobody in our families think higher of us than BIL/SIL and in fact I think SIL is more impressive than any of us as she works with special needs populations and is pretty much a hero.

Rickrollme · 18/03/2022 01:57

@Longcovid21

Are you very attractive OP? I wonder if women who are very attractive end up with this kind of advantage
Not OP but in a similar position. I was pretty when I was young but not drop dead gorgeous by any means. But over the years my looks have faded. I take care of myself but I’m too lazy to put lots of time into my looks and I could lose a stone at least. Luckily my DH still thinks I’m beautiful and more importantly we are best friends. We are both regularly incredulous that we are living this kind of life and we privately do a lot to pay it forward. We are lucky in so many ways but if you knew us you would not say we are charmed. We have both faced and continue to face some very difficult things. It’s too much to get into here but suffice it to say that I would trade every cent to change some of our circumstances.
GreMay1 · 18/03/2022 02:21

@pinkyredrose

What does your husband do? Could you do what he does and earn well?
Why should she? Everyone doesn't have the same intelligence for a start. OP needs to stop fighting with herself. She landed on her feet and that's not a crime.

You do you OP lots of SAHM do similar to you. You also said you work and you have kids. It is what it is. Enjoy your life.

Ivyonafence · 18/03/2022 05:21

If I was in your shoes I'd return to university.

You sound like you need something to give you confidence and self worth.

Whatthefleckster · 18/03/2022 05:33

Your DH sounds like a really decent man, that should be a given but it really isn't.

In my career, I could be a Director/CEO now. The single biggest thing stopping me working towards it is that I'm a single parent. I don't have a you to handle all child/life admin. Don't underestimate what you provide to your husband.

Botanica · 18/03/2022 05:35

Putting aside your kids and husband, you need to ask yourself what is your purpose in life? What are contributing to the world?

If that's a hard question to answer then that's probably where you need to start.

Sndhehjzugwvs · 18/03/2022 05:41

Please do not guilt trip yourself. As noted above, you are working and raising children. I think you might benefit from doing things to boost your confidence and self esteem maybe. Perhaps a little voluntary work maybe?

I think the fact that you work when you don’t have to is to your credit. I know of people who have never worked outside the home since having children. Those children were shipped off to boarding school at a young age by the way leaving mum with a very easy life but not one I would ever choose not that that is relevant here to be fair!

I think you are being too hard on yourself OP and underestimating what you do for your family and your worth more generally. Look after yourself.

Itsallok · 18/03/2022 06:16

go get off your arse and do more volunteering or find something more meaningful to do. It isn't difficult. My DH is also very successful - he would have done it without me and most people would. People thinking they have been a big contributor to their partner's success are (mostly) kidding themselves.

GlamorousHeifer · 18/03/2022 06:18

It sounds like a lovely life, either enjoy it for what it is or up the 15 hours a week you work to the 40 hours most women manage.
I know which I'd prefer if I had the choice, I don't.
I honestly find the OP's post very tone deaf when the cost of living is rising so fast that most of us in full time employment are going to struggle to pay the bills.

Pancakeorcrepe · 18/03/2022 06:27

You mentioned you grew up with not great parents, could this be your difficult childhood catching-up with you? It sounds like perhaps as a child you weren’t nurtured and valued and this could have left you with low self esteem and feeling undeserving of the finer things in life, or scared of enjoying them in case they are taken away. OP I am sure you have many talents, your husband sounds like he loves and appreciates you. Forget about the money and try and find something you are passionate about and throw yourself into that. Environmental causes, volunteering with animals, raising your children, etc. only you can know what makes your heart sing. I suspect you could also do with some counselling to work through these feelings.

daretodenim · 18/03/2022 06:43

I recognise this feeling, and the family background.

What made a difference was thinking that I'm in the rather unique position of being able to do anything I want to with my life. So I thought about things that were important to me, and what I would regret not doing with my life when I'm on my deathbed (sounds more macabre than it is!) and what I wanted to do so much that not being with my children sometimes to do it would be worth it. I thought about what dreams I'd had as a kid before they'd been squashed. I came to realise I had a passion and then I figured out how to do it. It involved retraining for my dream job.

Now you may not want to do a different job, but think about what you want, with no restrictions.

Part of the reality of your life is that yours is facilitating the lives of your DH and kids. Your whole life puts them first/works around them and while it's not bad, it's not always fulfilling. Once you find your thing then it can balance the other things out.

It might be that counselling can help you with this because it involves digging into yourself, your values and your ability to reach them..which a difficult childhood can provide obstacles to reaching. And you might come to realise that actually you really love everything in your life rather than feeling you should be grateful for landing on your feet, it truly is only guilt so you can work on getting rid of that and enjoying your good fortune.

Longcovid21 · 18/03/2022 07:17

Op I'm very jealous of you. I'm a single parent and I a professional job but work and raise kids every minute of the day with no help at all. I'd love to be in your shoes. I guess the grass is always greener.

homeedregret · 18/03/2022 07:17

There are loads of things you could do to offset this feeling. You already recognize your privilege, which is really good. You could volunteer to feel you are 'paying it back' or you could even further your education part time with OU or something similar. I was in a very good position for a number of years (not wealthy, but not struggling) and I tried to really make an effort to help those who were. Personally OP I wouldn't feel too bad, if you and your DH are happy I'd enjoy it as much as possible.

STARCATCHER22 · 18/03/2022 07:30

@Itsallok

go get off your arse and do more volunteering or find something more meaningful to do. It isn't difficult. My DH is also very successful - he would have done it without me and most people would. People thinking they have been a big contributor to their partner's success are (mostly) kidding themselves.
I do always think this on threads where the “he couldn’t be successful without you” comments invariably start. The reality is that most men would still be as successful career wise, they just wouldn’t have had children necessarily. To imply that a grown adult wouldn’t be successful without your support suggests that they are incapable of looking after themselves etc.