Living a comfortable life from someone else achievements

[yellowskies]

First I want to say, this isn't a humblebrag like someone made out when I tried to word this in person before, that is exactly the problem, nothing is mine to brag about.

I find it a very weird feeling looking at my life and the way I live and not having done anything to achieve it. I grew up poor, with not great parents, strained relationships and just landed on my feet I guess. I dropped out of education repeatedly, couldn't find what interested me, drifted from crappy job to crappy job. I've suffered with my mental health and had periods where I've barely kept myself together and to be honest based off my own choices and my own circumstances if I was alone I wouldn't be doing particularly well.

But I'm not alone, I met and married my (lovely) husband who was in a very different place to me. He was a high earner when we met and has gotten to the top of his industry since so it's only gotten higher. I live in, and legally own half of a house I have paid nothing for and could never dream of affording alone. I drive a car that costs more than I earn in 5 years. I go on holidays and have things that I just wouldn't of if I hadn't met him. I feel really flat having luxuries that aren't really mine, he says it's family money and I of course appreciate it and I don't want to sound ungrateful. But I feel like a complete fraud. I have still achieved nothing in my career, I work 15 hours a week doing admin now that I'm raising kids so I'm earning a pittance but even when I was full time I made pocket change compared to him. Even then the mentality was keep your wage as spending money and live off mine.

I appreciate this does sound like a first world problem and I obviously appreciate there are some people really struggling financially, people in worse situations than I can ever imagine like the Ukrainians. I really mean no disrespect. I just want to not feel this disconnect. Almost guilt really. Even seeing my name on the deeds this house isn't really mine. I've not paid a penny towards my own car. It's almost degrading and sometimes I really want to refuse and pay my own way but I just couldn't. I do contribute from my wages despite his protest but he worked it all out on a salary ratio so it's nothing.

Has anyone felt like this? How do you stop feeling like you're coasting off someone else's success and actually feel like you've achieved and deserve the things in your life?

I m three generations away from the workhouse. Ok, so i I'm old,but still. I look back on those ancestors and know that if it were not for them,I wouldn't be in my own house, with no debts and an adult child who got to go to university.

Because of my ancestors, i grew up with free health care (at the point of delivery), free education, and job protection in the form of unions and employment law.

So now, I try to "pay back". By voting for and contributing to a political party that seems to want to continue the tradition. Every one of us stands on the shoulders of those that went before.

Don't be sad that others have helped you on your way. Just look for chances to pay your good fortune forward

If you are happy and your husband is happy and your children are happy there isn't a problem imo. The traditional family a couple of generations ago was husband worked to support the family and wife was the homemaker/ raised the children. Nothing wrong in that!!

I'm a low earner. Dh pays for pretty much everything and has done for our entire relationship.
He's not even my dcs Dad but I've never really felt like you and it seems a shame that you do
Dh has always said his money is for our family and I've never given it much thought!

This is like my DM. She’s lovely and I adore her…. But I’d just say to keep grounded.

My mum cannot understand why I can’t always meet for lunch (erm…. I work), or why we don’t live in a posh bit of London (because despite working, we don’t earn mega bucks).

It genuinely baffles her, because she’s never had to work FT, or to really think about finances.

I should also add that my DM will be totally adrift if DF dies before her, because I don’t think she has a clue how to pay a bill or where their money comes from.

She’ll be fine because DSis and I will happily sort her out, but I can’t comprehend that level of financial helplessness.

I’m sure you’re not like that OP, but a worrying number of people are!

It really doesn't matter what your DH thinks or whether the money is family money - ultimately you're not happy with what you've achieved in life, and that's absolutely fine to feel that way. It's what matters to you that's important here.

I've not been in that position because DH and I are both working in jobs we enjoy and that pay quite well, but if I was I would be using the joint income to go to university and get a qualification that enabled me to earn a decent wage and feel I'm accomplishing something for myself (and in turn, the family). Have you thought about retraining in that way?

I feel like this sometimes too, you're not alone, I have found it really reassuring to read some of the comments on this thread.

I earn rubbish money in an admin job, prior to that I had a ok-ish earning job but left due to stress, so am basically a kept woman now. Sometimes I feel awful that I don't earn enough on my own to even survive but then I think that I enable my husband to work unfettered by the tedium of running a house, kids, life admin etc but enjoy the nice bits of family life (if that makes sense).

I have often thought about re-training as I still have another 20 years of work ahead of me, perhaps that's something you could think about when your children are older?

You sound very conscientious and not like a freeloader. If it makes you feel better a lot of women are in this position. I know a lot of people who finish school and do very ordinary jobs which don't pay well.

We all know that if they stayed single and stayed working they would have a completely different lifestyle eg housing, holidays etc. They have a certain lifestyle, housing with their partner and they would not be able to replicate this if they stayed single. THEY don'y feel guilty.

Accept your good fortune maybe retrain, do charity work to help you feel more fulfilled.

The idea we have to do things to be worth something is a very Western concept, and it’s bollocks - no one is going to remember your husband as a highly successful chartered accountant (or whatever), they’ll remember him for the person he was just like they’ll remember you for the person you are

I absolutely agree with this. I do get what you're saying OP as I sometimes feel similar, to a lesser degree. I did go to university and did well academically but ended up in admin roles and feeling like I'm not using my brain enough but it fit in with family life and meant that DH could focus on his career, and I wanted to be home with my children, I didn't want life to be more stressful than it needed to be.

What has helped me though is thinking like a PP said, my contribution to this world is who I am as a person and my children. DH and I love each other and make one another happy. Together we've created a nice life where we're not both stressed to the eyeballs and a happy, stable home to raise our DDs in. I try (and often fail... but my god I try) to raise my DDs to be thoughtful, brave, kind, curious young women to send out into the world. I try to make a positive impact rather than a negative one as much as I am able and I try to find happiness and to spread some happiness where I can. It all sounds twee but it's true. I'm worth more than a job and my contribution in this life is so much more than financial.

A lot of anti comments about this subject are simple misogyny. No one bats an eyelid if it’s a man having a good unearned life.

The fact that you feel so disconnected from your house and belongings makes me think you might be depressed. If you had a difficult life early on, that leaves a mark, which can affect how you think and feel about yourself later on.

You are married, you and dh are a partnership and it's normal to share both the good and the bad in life. Your dh is fortunate in that he has a job which generates a lot of money and it's okay to share that. No one is morally better or worse or more or less deserving on account of their salary. What society deems worthy of a high salary can be pretty arbitrary, lots of people who work very hard doing jobs that we really need, don't earn very much. Nothing is strictly 'fair' in life. It would only be wrong if you were the kind of person who would leave him if he lost that income, which you aren't.

I think you might need to get some help with why you think you don't deserve to share what your husband has and why you think your own contribution of looking after your shared dc isn't enough.

@Supersimkin2

A lot of anti comments about this subject are simple misogyny. No one bats an eyelid if it’s a man having a good unearned life.

I disagree. A man in this position is far more likely to get called a cocklodger and so on. I'm not saying that's right, but that's how it is.

I think if your husband wanted to have a high-flying, high-earning career and also have children and a family at the same time, he wouldn’t have been able to do that without you.

Do you feel like you are equal to your husband in other ways? Is he more educated? Could you look at studying? You sound really down on yourself like you don't value yourself.
I don't work now but I feel completely at ease with it and I'm happy to spend money that my dh earns. There was a time when I earned more and supported him so I wonder if that makes a difference in how I feel compared to you.

I go through periods of being bothered but I think it's driven by frustration on my part. I didn't want kids, he did. I had postpartum psychosis with dc1 and ended having to give up work so there is definitely a degree of resentfulness. I don't work at all at the moment although I've got two good university degrees. I've lost all confidence in myself from a work perspective and dh is very much of the opinion that if I'm working, it has to be a "proper" job (essentially he wants me at home with the kids).

Everyone is making sense but I get you Op.
I work full time but still feel uncomfortable with the level DH spends on me. He’s on double my income and has assets. I have bought nothing financially to the marriage.
He’s not bothered and says of course he should give his wife money because I earn less. I say he works hard for it and should keep it unless it’s a holiday that benefits him as much as me.

@Supersimkin2

Big salaries are meant to support the whole family.

DH wouldn’t be earning much if he had to look after you and his kids 24/7.

^ this

When I read your post OP, my first thought was that your parents have not instilled self esteem/valuing yourself in you (no criticism: mind didn’t either)

Working 15 hours while raising young kids is fairly normal… maybe you could explore what interests you so you can ENJOY your career in the future (we live so long these days there is plenty of time!)

@Viviennemary

I had a neighbour a bit like this. Unfortunately her DH left her. And moved on to even greater things.

What king of contribution is this? You sound bitter.

@balzamico

Also, in my case, my dh could not have had the career he has without my support and certainly not have had a happy family life without me running it. He earns ( a lot) and does what's needed to ensure that (entertaining, evenings etc) and I facilitate that by doing everything else. Life is a whole package not just what the wage pays for but the comfort and security of your family that you create

This. I run everything at home which frees up DH to be the high earner. I also do some volunteering. This works for us - I’m happy and he’s happy and that’s all that matters.

I've seen so many posts on here where women are experiencing the exact opposite to you. Their husbands don't pull their weight financially and they are in despair. No I'm not about to tell you to just be grateful for what you have. I admire you for being self aware enough to feel the way you do. Could you give something back by volunteering (samaritans,childline, Marie curie, homeless, mental health, your children's school ?) You and your husband sound like you have a wonderful partnership and its not only his earning power that makes it so. You complement each other perfectly.

I completely understand op. You want the pride or satisfaction of having contributed.

You can be proud of the fact that you are providing your children with a happier childhood. Recognising and reflecting on your childhood/relationships and breaking those cycles is a big thing. It's not easy.

If your husband is anything like mine I'm sure he will support you looking into things you might like to study or do to improve your career. It doesn't have to be high paid, just fulfilling.

Sounds like impostor syndrome

I don't think you should worry about who earns what however you clearly are dissatisfied. Could you retrain?

OP you sound sad, bored, depressed and unfulfilled.

I doubt that route cause is your DH's high earnings. Try to focus on yourself. What would make you happy? What would you like to achieve in 5 or 10
Years?

Feel free to continue with your admin job, but if you're hating it abs don't need the income then give it up and focus on something you would get more fulfilment from.

I have a friend like you, unfortunately she is depressed and on medication. She has tried many different side hustles to try to make her feel validated but it's not really working. So I do understand how you feel. I'm not sure what the answer is but try to enjoy your life! You are where you are, you haven't done anything wrong. Try to figure out what would make you happy then go for it.

You sound like a nice person who has been fortunate to marry well, I hope you are happy.

Your contribution to your family may not be financial but you are raising a family and giving them your time and love.

Maybe do some volunteering?

Maybe try not to spoil your children and appreciate the life you have?