I'm so full of rage and hatred towards everyone, I'm turning it to a horrible, mean bitch!

[Paperthin282]

I used to be lovely, I always thought well of people, loved people, was kind and considerate. I'm now 42 and I just feel full of distain. People piss me off all the time, I feel like I've had an epiphany and realised that everyone is full of complete bullshit and I just can't deal with it anymore. I'm bottling the feelings up, no one knows what I actually think of them but I don't know how much longer I can keep it all in but then I'll end up with no friends!!

I think my mum is about the only person who I think isn't full of crap and DH is pretty sound around 80% of the time

Just as an example, my friend messaged me yesterday. She has covid (no symptoms) but is isolating in the house for a few days as she doesn't want her DH or DC to catch it. She's so upset, upset she can't touch or kiss her husband (🤢) upset she's missed a milestone for her DS (coulbnt take him to his enrollment in the cadets). I sent a nice response but inside I'm just thinking FFS it's 3 days!! Get a fucking grip!!

How do you get rid of the anger? Maybe I need to take up boxing or something, I feel so full up with it, it's horrible. I used to be so calm.

I dont know if I'm being irrational or I'm seeing the light!

I think you are being irrational and a bit mean tbh.
I can understand why your friend might be a bit upset - when my DH had covid I missed being able to hug and kiss him and he was really upset to miss an event DS was taking part in. Yeah it was only 4 days but still 🤷🏼‍♀️
Your friends response is normal!!

It dint think it is normal or healthy to get so angry all the time. It must be exhausting.

How is your own life going, health, wellbeing, relationships etc?

Have you, for example, in the past done more for others than you could do without feeling crap?

I read an article that said, as women get older and our oestrogen levels decline, we're increasingly less inclined to put up with bullshit because oestrogen is the hormone that keeps us nice, friendly and compliant when we're younger. This is why middle aged women get a reputation for being a bit stroppy 😄

42 isn't really middle aged yet, but it can mark the beginning of hormone changes going into perimenopause.

I think finding a way to deal with this is important as 42 is still quite young and surely you don't want to feel like this for another 40 odd years??

There's a difference between not putting up with bull shit and feeling angry at people all the time.
A balance is key!

SpinsForGin I agree I definitely am being mean but I just can't imagine crying because I haven't been able to kiss or touch my DH for 3 days. Truthfully I think it's a bit pathetic in the grand scheme of things. See, that's a horrible thing for me to think, I know it is!

Loopytiles good relationship with DH but life has shit on me from a great height for a few years now and no one apart from DH and my mum has really cared.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation I do feel like I've had a personality transplant on the inside at least. Maybe I need to get my hormone levels checked.

50/50 on this. I just can't be doing with people's attention seeking drama, but am not full of rage. You definitely get less tolerant as you get older. I think the scales fall from the eyes about how much you actually do as a woman. I think you need to look at what would help with that, and get yourself some breaks. Personally, I don't use Twitter/Facebook etc as they genuinely do wear me out.

I felt like that a lot of the time, but in addition found everything irritating not just people. I started a course of sertraline and felt it really took the edge off the rage and I feel normal again. For me it was a build up of stress and anxiety resulting in irritability and impatience, it felt like I had one nerve left and people kept stepping on it. It’s made a huge difference to how I feel.

It's one thing to be gifted the ability to smell bullshit from miles away (in your 40s you get the standard version of this gift and then at 50, you get the gold card membership to this glorious club). But your anger is a bit beyond the norm, OP. Anger is good! It's important to honour it and give it its place on the stage. But you seem reactionary and I'm wondering if you're feeling angry with this friend for deeper reasons that the ones you're presenting.

I realised in my 40s that having a lot of friends was not for me! Maybe you feel this way deep down and need to take some time to give this thought. I find most people very hard work. I have to admit, your friend doesn't sound unreasonable. Yeah, maybe she's playing a solo piece on the World's Smallest Violin, but actually, it's not so rage-worthy. I'd look a bit closer at your reaction to her and people in general.

I should show you some emails from some of my former friends. I've got some real assholes in my collection. If we played Rage-Inducing Friendships Top Trumps, I'm sorry to say this but I'd win!

I'm not joking, OP. I box-breathe. Google 'box breathe like Navy SEAL'.
It really, really, really helps. You breathe in for 4, gently hold for 4, breathe out through the mouth slowly for 4. Repeat.
Dissolves the rage! Believe me, I have LOADS of rage right now. But then, I'm divorcing a husband who sexually abused our daughter for years and my friends have been asswipes. You find out who your friends are in a crisis.
My point is, try the box-breathing. Or... kickboxing.

Oldh yeh thats how I feel. I have come off social media, it just got really boring. I do need to do something, I don't like feeling like this.

MrsRoyCropper that's interesting. Thankyou.

OP, I hear ya. I'm 44 and in the last six months I have definitely changed. I've been a bit grumpy ever since DD was born eight years ago (love her, but man, being a parent can be frustrating) but just recently I have a pretty short fuse for all kinds of stuff and spend about 50% of each day internally rolling my eyes at stupid shit that happens and people do and say. I don't actually shout or snap at people (much), but I do use DH as a sounding board for how ANNOYING everything is. He's very patient with me, bless him.

The truth is I am not very happy in my life right now (living situation and family stress) so I'm trying to focus on progressing with that so I can make my life more rewarding and accepting that I just will feel a bit grumpy quite a lot.

I hope you're ok and have people you trust around you who can support you. I hope you can find a time and place to express yourself!

I'm known as a sarcastic bitch for good reason, I'd probably tell her to get a grip to be honest. Just wait til you hit your 50s...and stop giving a fuck about anything.

I would second what @BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation says. It’s hormones falling off a cliff. I was the ultimate people pleaser. I’m 47 now and couldn’t give a shiny shit anymore! I have zero tolerance for bullshit and tbh I’m quite enjoying it, it’s liberating and a lot less exhausting than the people pleasing crap I spent most of my life doing! Sorry I’m not much help OP!

@Paperthin282

SpinsForGin I agree I definitely am being mean but I just can't imagine crying because I haven't been able to kiss or touch my DH for 3 days. Truthfully I think it's a bit pathetic in the grand scheme of things. See, that's a horrible thing for me to think, I know it is!

Loopytiles good relationship with DH but life has shit on me from a great height for a few years now and no one apart from DH and my mum has really cared.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation I do feel like I've had a personality transplant on the inside at least. Maybe I need to get my hormone levels checked.

It might be a bit pathetic in the grand scheme of things but sometimes it is the little things that get us upset or a combination - if I had covid, had to isolate and was missing something important with DS then not being able to hug DH might just send me over the edge. It might not bother you but we're all different and it certainly shouldn't be anger inducing....just maybe worthy of an eyeroll or two!

You say you've had a bit of a shit time recently and that nobody cared. Maybe this is your reaction to that?

So I get this. I am 45 and have gone from being an absolutely dyed in the wool people pleaser to...very much not being. I have distanced myself from a lot of old friends. But I still have compassion for someone who's upset and I don't feel boiling with rage at people (some issues make me rage but that's another thread). So I think you should get checked out and maybe have some
Therapy.

From the age of fifty I started to feel a bit this way. Lack of patience, especially with younger people who couldn't seem to think for themselves. Late for work when it's snowing (only live 2 streets away) etc, stuff like this.
It did subside somewhat as I approached 60, now I've calmed down a bit and don't really give a crap what other folk do as long as it doesn't impact on my life!!

TheVanguardSix that's very insightful. I do definitely have some pent up issues with this friend. I've been having immunotherapy treatment, had to shield all through covid etc. like lots of people did, i sucked it up and got on with it. Didn't really get much support/interest from her yet she's crying cause she hasn't kissed her DH for 3 days? The old me would be able to see from her perspective that yes, that might be upsetting and that what I've experienced or how I would feel in that situation is irrelevant.

Thankyou I'll look into box breathing. I think thats what I need, just something to focus me and get rid of that hot feeling in my stomach when the anger flares up.

There's definitely something going on beyond the usual midlife readjustment. Your irritation at your friend's harmless comments suggests either you are on a bit of a hair trigger about everything, or that something she said specifically needled you.

On the bright side you have recognised that this is becoming a problem (rather than maintaining that you are fine and everyone else is at fault). Have a really close look at your life, and how happy you are, and whether you want to change anything. Failing that...it might be the hormones.

Your friend is being a bit of a wet lettuce - when my boyfriend had covid we just carried on as usual including shagging and whatever, and I still didn’t catch it!

I’m a similar age to you and have noticed a bit of this, I think it’s perimenopause.

I've been having immunotherapy treatment.

Just to check, are any of your treatments steroid based?

You aren't alone OP. If you've had a tough few years, it's completely understandable.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and while dealing with all the things that go along with it, a friend sat and whined in my kitchen about lockdown and how it was so unfair she couldn't go on holiday.

I lost it and told her to grow up and stop being so bloody entitled. She hasn't spoken to me since. So if you've held your tongue, you're doing very well.

As for how to get rid of the resentment, I'm spending more time on me, less on what other people think/want. Not ALL the time but just a bit more. Try to get a bit more balance, treat yourself if you can. Hurry less, amble more

Loopytiles good relationship with DH but life has shit on me from a great height for a few years now and no one apart from DH and my mum has really cared.

Ah! And that's a good enough reason for the rage, OP. I get it now.
Solidarity fistbump. I've just been swimming in a dysentery sea for years now and it changes you. I have very little time for bullshit and yes, I do crack on with my rage and let it flow through me. It's important to let that rage in and go through it. Everyone tells you to deny it access, but you mustn't. As long as it's not bigger than you, it's ok to get a little ragey.

@AlisonDonut

I'm known as a sarcastic bitch for good reason, I'd probably tell her to get a grip to be honest. Just wait til you hit your 50s...and stop giving a fuck about anything.

That is an excellent picture and is now being sent on to my fellow grumpy old ladies

OP .... I felt like this when i hit peri menopause. HRT isn't for everyone but I'm finding it's helping most of my symptoms, the irrational rage included.

Really interesting point a pp made about the oestrogen:giving any fucks connection.

Since turning 40 my friendship circle had reduced massively and a lot of this is due to me having a lot less tolerance for people . Not sure if it's a premenopausal thing or what but I am with you on the rage.

@FMSucks

I would second what *@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation* says. It’s hormones falling off a cliff. I was the ultimate people pleaser. I’m 47 now and couldn’t give a shiny shit anymore! I have zero tolerance for bullshit and tbh I’m quite enjoying it, it’s liberating and a lot less exhausting than the people pleasing crap I spent most of my life doing! Sorry I’m not much help OP!

This.

The hours wasted in the past over analysing and beating myself up over Every. Little. Thing.