Page 2 | I'm so full of rage and hatred towards everyone, I'm turning it to a horrible, mean bitch!

Original poster

Paperthin282 · 17/03/2022 09:53

TheYearOfSmallThings no steroids at the moment, I tapered off them before Christmas.

Thankyou for all the kind replies. Sorry I'm not managing to reply to them all but they're all helping. I'm going to go away and try and unpick all this, make some changes and get my hormone levels checked!

OP posts:

SpiderVersed · 17/03/2022 09:54

Allow me to whisper those three little words into your shell-like ear…

Hormone Replacement Therapy.

I had 6 years of being being a boiling vat of rage. Absolutely furious all the time, had no fucks to give for any of this shit. It was exhausting.

A week of the HRT patch and I was a new woman. Minor frustrations roll off me, and I can ignore or laugh at things that used to drive me mad. Life has vastly improved.

Have a word with your GP.

lookforthesun · 17/03/2022 09:55

The rage for me is a big flag that my anxiety is flaring up. I take citalopram and it all calms down again. I see another poster mentioned this. Might be worth going to the GP and explaining and seeing if a month of citalopram or other anti anxiety drug helps.

I don't really get anxious - I get angry!!

EarringsandLipstick · 17/03/2022 09:56

@SpiderVersed

Allow me to whisper those three little words into your shell-like ear…

Hormone Replacement Therapy.

I had 6 years of being being a boiling vat of rage. Absolutely furious all the time, had no fucks to give for any of this shit. It was exhausting.

A week of the HRT patch and I was a new woman. Minor frustrations roll off me, and I can ignore or laugh at things that used to drive me mad. Life has vastly improved.

Have a word with your GP.

Exactly this.

I haven't felt rage in the way you describe (ie at individual people) but I felt boiling with anger, in general. One day I actually (when alone in the house) roared with rage.

Since HRT - all gone. Thank God. It was genuinely scary.

Original poster

Paperthin282 · 17/03/2022 09:58

I feel like I could cut everyone out apart from my mum, DH, DC and my niece and nephew and I genuinely wouldn't miss any of them. I actually think it would massively improve my life, they bring nothing to it. I'd never actually do it, I've always really valued my friendships, something in me has changed though. The best company in the whole world is my dog, infact I'd love to live on an island with my dog, no one else for a million miles.

OP posts:

StormzyinaTCup · 17/03/2022 09:59

I can certainly relate to aspects of your post OP and Barrow’s post was interesting.

I certainly changed in my mid forties, up to then I was very much a people pleaser, used to keep my opinions to myself so as not to upset people and generally a glass half full person. I’m now very late 40s and, although I wouldn’t say I was angry and I remain reasonably optimistic, I am definitely more opinionated, my tolerance is lower, I say what I think and will pull up crap behaviour, to the point where I pulled up a client at work for the way he spoke to me which I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing 5/10 years ago. I don’t have the same ‘filter’ that I used to have.

There are some aspects of the perimenopause ‘me’ that I like but there are parts that I don’t like. I do sometimes wonder if the me ‘now’ is the real me and the pre 40s me was to a certain extent moulded to conform so as not to rock the boat and generally make life easier.

TheVanguardSix · 17/03/2022 10:00

I do definitely have some pent up issues with this friend. I've been having immunotherapy treatment

Say no more! You get all the medals, OP.

I have an autoimmune disorder and a very dodgy heart. The disorder I have makes me prone to arterial tears, bleeds, etc. I've had some really, really challenging moments with friends these past couple of years. I've lost a few friends and it's been a good thing. Traumatic but good. I just don't have time for superficial stuff. Don't be afraid to acknowledge that the required headspace for certain people does not exist. You have to look after yourself first and foremost OP. I pretty much got rid of people who fill me with rage. And it's worked a treat. I have culled my friendship group and as hard as it was doing so, the pay-off has been real!
I wish you health and wellness, OP, in abundance.

Original poster

Paperthin282 · 17/03/2022 10:00

EarringsandLipstick yes I feel like I want to climb to the top of a mountain and scream at the world!

Right, will book gp appointment. Thanks everyone and thankyou for not calling me an arse hole, I know I am one at the moment.

OP posts:

KosherDill · 17/03/2022 10:03

@FMSucks

I would second what *@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation* says. It’s hormones falling off a cliff. I was the ultimate people pleaser. I’m 47 now and couldn’t give a shiny shit anymore! I have zero tolerance for bullshit and tbh I’m quite enjoying it, it’s liberating and a lot less exhausting than the people pleasing crap I spent most of my life doing! Sorry I’m not much help OP!

Same here!

Beefcurtains79 · 17/03/2022 10:08

To be honest I think your mate sounds a bit pathetic too and I’d struggle to have much sympathy and respect for her, particularly with everything going on in the world at the moment.
I’d actually probably tactfully distance myself, it doesn’t sound like she was there for you when you needed her either.

zafferana · 17/03/2022 10:09

That's brilliant @AlisonDonut 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

And I agree with @BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation. This is quite possibly the start of peri-menopause @Paperthin282. It only gets worse, I'm afraid, but HRT takes the edge off!

IlCommissarioMontalbano · 17/03/2022 10:09

Perimenopause perhaps?

Mariposista · 17/03/2022 10:10

@Paperthin282

I used to be lovely, I always thought well of people, loved people, was kind and considerate. I'm now 42 and I just feel full of distain. People piss me off all the time, I feel like I've had an epiphany and realised that everyone is full of complete bullshit and I just can't deal with it anymore. I'm bottling the feelings up, no one knows what I actually think of them but I don't know how much longer I can keep it all in but then I'll end up with no friends!!

I think my mum is about the only person who I think isn't full of crap and DH is pretty sound around 80% of the time

Just as an example, my friend messaged me yesterday. She has covid (no symptoms) but is isolating in the house for a few days as she doesn't want her DH or DC to catch it. She's so upset, upset she can't touch or kiss her husband (🤢) upset she's missed a milestone for her DS (coulbnt take him to his enrollment in the cadets). I sent a nice response but inside I'm just thinking FFS it's 3 days!! Get a fucking grip!!

How do you get rid of the anger? Maybe I need to take up boxing or something, I feel so full up with it, it's horrible. I used to be so calm.

I dont know if I'm being irrational or I'm seeing the light!

OP I don't think you are a horrible person, I think you are just tired of other people's melodrama - and many people do seem to be becoming more and more self-centred nowadays than I thought they were maybe 10 years ago. I am a bit like you - I reckon my mum is one of the only people who has a sensible head on her shoulders. Last week I got pretty angry when a friend cancelled on me because 'I need to clean my house', and another sent me a message to say can she call me half an hour later than the time we had arranged because 'I just really need to take a walk right now'. I get sick of people putting number 1 first, especially as I don't tend to do that. I wouldn't let it take over your life, but I do understand you!

PeterPomegranate · 17/03/2022 10:13

“ I box-breathe. Google 'box breathe like Navy SEAL'.
It really, really, really helps. You breathe in for 4, gently hold for 4, breathe out through the mouth slowly for 4. Repeat.
Dissolves the rage! Believe me, I have LOADS of rage right now. But then, I'm divorcing a husband who sexually abused our daughter for years and my friends have been asswipes. You find out who your friends are in a crisis.
My point is, try the box-breathing.”

@TheVanguardSix - thanks for posting this. I’m going to check it out.

TheVanguardSix · 17/03/2022 10:20

FMsucks absolutely! I was the ultimate people-pleasing YES person my entire life.
I now spend my life mumbling 'fuck off' to myself like a sailor-mouthed goblin and I love it! I love cycling slowly on my 'sit up and beg' Dutch bike with my silver hair and my steady, easygoing appearance. I am the picture of middle-aged warmth and gentle kindness. I look like I smell of homemade chocolate chip cookies and a Fresh Linen diffuser. Nobody knows that I'm really just an aging asshole... a lit fuse on two wheels. It's liberating!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 17/03/2022 10:20

I can't add any further advice for you, but I can possibly shed light on your friend's behaviour. For some people, me included, Covid really does mess with your brain. I'm pretty resilient usually, but I was all over the place when I had Covid - angry, anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, you name it, it was grim! So it may (or may not) be the Covid speaking...

tkwal · 17/03/2022 10:23

I thought I was the only person who felt like this. Thanks for posting OP and everyone else you replied. I feel encouraged to seek help now

EatSleepRantRepeat · 17/03/2022 10:25

I know exactly what you mean OP because I've been having these thoughts myself, and in my case it's a pandemic handover. I feel like it's really driven a wedge and a lot of resentment between people, especially those with/without health conditions, and between on furlough/retired or working all the hours god sends to cope with the increased workload. I know I'm feeling increasingly resentful of other people and their needs at the moment.

I'm finding my anger is coming from everything going "back to normal" overnight and the permanent changes in people's behaviour I had hoped for have gone out of the window. People have gone back to being just as selfish/self-obsessed as before, the overcrowding and poor hygiene in public places is back, and my workplace is pushing us even harder now that restrictions are off despite few of us getting any break or respite since Jan 2020. Even the shops where I knew I could buy clothes that fit and stuff I could afford have gone under. The new normal is just a shit version of the old normal.

SpeckledlyHen · 17/03/2022 10:29

I felt like that peri menopause. I was soooooooo angry all the time at everyone and everything. HRT has changed my life. I spend most of my days chuckling and laughing now - sorry that sounds really flippant but if I were you I would look at options relating to peri menopause.

toastfiend · 17/03/2022 10:29

I'm actually with you on the friend thing - it is a bit pathetic and it sounds like she's being thoughtless. Mind you, my DH frequently works away for weeks/months at a time and I don't whine, so I always think it's pathetic when people whinge about their partners being away from them for a couple of days. Maybe I'm just a horrible, mean-spirited bitch, though.

I feel a bit the way you do at the moment. I think a major contributory factor for me is the way things are in the world and all the horrible things happening. After 2 years of Covid and now a war, I just feel ground down, depressed and angry. Partially, I think it's also a manifestation of my anxiety, partially getting older (I'm only almost 30 so I hope not menopause!) and having the confidence to call out bullshit when I see it, and partially the fact that, after years of being a people pleaser, I'm no longer putting myself out to please other people who wouldn't do the same in return and I think social conditioning makes me feel like that makes me a bitch even though it doesn't.

I've found things I do to help combat my anxiety - which is usually behind me getting that white hot bubbling rage feeling - helps control the anger (5-4-3-2-1 technique), also typing rage filled messages saying exactly what I think and then deleting them (but oh, the temptation to send them!) I've also arranged with DH, whenever he's home, that I get a couple of hours both days of the weekend to myself to walk and listen to music and be on my own. It gives me space and helps me process and I've found that time out means I'm better able to cope when I'm back in my regular life being irritated by people.

irregularegular · 17/03/2022 10:32

It can't be nice for you to feel so full of rage. It sounds like you know it isn't "right". Might be worth talking to someone (i.e. a therapist) about what it is exactly that is making you angry really?

Otherwise, I find fresh air and exercise go a long way. And it could be peri-menopause related. In which case, HRT? It is a little early though.

Regarding your friend. Hard to judge how annoying she really is. Depends on her tone and whether she is totally "woe is me" or more moderate and self-aware. I currently have covid and told friends it wasn't bad timing but I was disappointed not to be going to Cardiff with my son to visit the Uni as we'd planned. I don't think that was particularly annoying!!!???

MintJulia · 17/03/2022 10:41

@TheVanguardSix

FMsucks absolutely! I was the ultimate people-pleasing YES person my entire life. I now spend my life mumbling 'fuck off' to myself like a sailor-mouthed goblin and I love it! I love cycling slowly on my 'sit up and beg' Dutch bike with my silver hair and my steady, easygoing appearance. I am the picture of middle-aged warmth and gentle kindness. I look like I smell of homemade chocolate chip cookies and a Fresh Linen diffuser. Nobody knows that I'm really just an aging asshole... a lit fuse on two wheels. It's liberating!

I love this. Cheered me up no end

MintyGreenDream · 17/03/2022 10:45

I'm more intolerant nowadays and I'm 42.Things piss me off more.God knows why.

Supertree · 17/03/2022 11:03

I don't think that makes you a horrible person at all. I don't think I'd feel full of rage, but I would absolutely roll my eyes and find it pathetic. I wouldn't say any of that to the person and would pretend that I understood/try to sound supportive but I don't think I'd know what to really say to it. And I'm in my early thirties so I don't think age has anything to do with it. I find a lot of people a bit helpless and it irritates me. You sound entirely normal to me.

blitzen · 17/03/2022 11:32

Hello OP, just wanted to say that I think I feel quite similar to you. I don't think either of us are mean though for feeling this way. I think I am just done with a few people! A bit fed up with a few friends. Regularly irritated by people. But you'd never know!