Getting so bored of marriage and wifework

[Pegasussnail]

Please be kind.
Dh is a good man. But this weekend it hit me hard that we have no passion or fun. Yesterday he did DIY all day until 6pm when we were due to go to in-laws. At which point I got up and left to go out (only supermarket open)
I cried loads when I came home. I am so fed up. Cleaning and cooking. I make every meal. He plans his day around DIY and projects.

So now I batch cook and throw a curry out on the table. I don't enjoy it.
I have decided to take up swimming or something to get me out (I work and we have young DC)

But he doesn't know what fits them. Or what they will eat. All came out last night. He said we would go for dinner today (too late and only to keep me quiet I suspect)
I have to think of everything. What DC's eat (ok I'm a mum) but what they need for school. All homework. All clothes and rapidly growing now all needs updating.
But dh does one job and he's 'amazing'

He's taken the DC out this morning so I have a break (going to get paperwork done )

Any advice ?

I've dropped enough hints to him now and also not cooking tomorrow or Tuesday

It's just all taken for granted

Tomorrow he will put on pasta and have it with sweet chilli as he won't know what to put on with it. It's that bad
But I will be 'busy'

I’ve felt like this.

I’ll also say that as a single parent you do it all yourself but you don’t feel resentful, put upon or taken for granted. It’s amazing how you have the same amount (or more) to do but lose the mental resistance and pressure. You can do what you want, at your own pace. Eat beans on toast for tea. Let the kids stay up to watch a film and then all go to bed at 9. It’s liberating.

What DIY is he working on, stuff you need around the house or hobby type stuff? He doesn't know what they like as he hasn't bothered to learn and evidently feels like he doesn't need to know. How old are your children? Arrange stuff so he has to look after them, unless you have reason to believe that would be really dangerous (in which case there's far bigger issues) sounds like the only way he will learn.

Id suggesting dividing up tasks.

He is r3sponsible for older child

You are r3sponsible for younger child.

You wash your clothes and your childs cloth3s

He does his clothes and "his" child's.

You cook monday, wednesdsy and sunday.
He does tues thurs and fri. Takeaway Sat?
Doing the shop alternatively.

And then, never ever wash a pair of his socks again. Nevever ever cook tuesday, thursday or friday.

Why is there so much DIY? Are you in a fixer-upper? If so, that cuts into available time and it does tend to fall to one parent to do the parent admin and the other to do the DIY; or the other way around you could give up half the parenting work but take on half the DIY?

If it’s just “man in a shed doing unnecessary nonsense” à la DP and his “music” YANBU.

I think you need a hard reset and discussion about division of labour: sit down with him and a list of EVERYTHING that needs doing on the regular, from meals (Planning; shopping, putting away, cooking, cleaning up, unstacking dishwasher) to kids’ stuff (clubs, homework, bags, washing kit, parties, etc) and everything in between.

Divide it all up equitably. Some couples one person does all of one thing, eg cooking. Some do 50/50. Do what works for you. But he can’t “bagsy” a whole day DIY and assume you’ll take everything else: it has to be a discussion.

@Pinkflask

I’ve felt like this.

I’ll also say that as a single parent you do it all yourself but you don’t feel resentful, put upon or taken for granted. It’s amazing how you have the same amount (or more) to do but lose the mental resistance and pressure. You can do what you want, at your own pace. Eat beans on toast for tea. Let the kids stay up to watch a film and then all go to bed at 9. It’s liberating.

Yes, totally agree, i do it all but the resentment is less.
I would not be able to give up my free time to serve a husband

He wouldn't be dangerous. He's very caring and a good father (wouldn't have them on screens but outdoors and is very patient)

He came from a background where his mother did everything and his father worked (dairy farmer) and so he wouldn't get it. Clothes wise he wouldnt care if the trousers were above the ankles. Once he went shopping for them. Ds is tall so wears 7-8 skinny jeans and I told him this and he came back with 6-7 as Ds wasnt yet 7

If asked to make their lunches he asks 'gow many slices of bread? What will I put in them?'

His idea of a nice day is DIY going to his mother's and then church even though u don't think he likes it that much it was how he was raised and he loves saying hello to the neighbours. I cry with frustration at the whole thing. I won't leave. But I need to make my own life. He knows this. Then D's drew this lovely picture of us this morning

'stuntbubbles' we live in a renovation project house. It's beautiful. Maybe I'm being to hard.

But it's not the DIY as much as him coming back in all happy and I'm off for more drudgery (listening to mil or priest sermon)
I want a bit of fun now and again.
All my friends get out and weekends away and I just feel like a housemaid.

You need to stop buying that.

He can figure out to make a sandwich.

If the kids' clothes arent perfect they'll survive. Once they're old enough to care that their outfit is weird, they'll say!

Let him figure out to wash his clothes and the clothes of his "delegated" child.

Let him figure out how to shop and produce a meal half of the time.

Let his standard be low and do not st3p in.

I haven't ironed any of his clothing in years now. He still is shocked I think I just put all his clothes on a big pile on his cabinet. Iron my own.

When we first married his mother showed me how to bake his favourite bread. Like an idiot I did it. For three years. Now I couldn't look at the recipe. I threw it out.

I mean come on, imagine this man at work qsking for guidance on how to make a sandwich.

The only way you change this set up is by changing it. I mean - it won't improve unless you both join forces to do something about it. I hit a similar point and had very clear chats with DH. He started taking DC out for a few hours every weekend to give me a break. He also took on more of the mental load. He never seemed able to tell their clothes apart or remember eye/teeth/hair appointments but he drove them to parties, started doing some of the cooking etc, and we started going out to have fun as a family at least once every couple of weeks - day trips to fun places, boat rides, beach walks etc. Life improved.

Oh ha ha! He's been too well looked after!

He sounds quite a simple, traditional chap with low expectations of life and probably assumes you're happy with the status quo unless you actively discuss, challenge and do something to change it.

His idea of a nice day doesn’t take precedence over your idea of a nice day though.

I’m sure men do see this in theory, but the reality is that in order to achieve the woman not feeling endlessly resentful, they will have to make more effort - and they just don’t want to.

He doesnt so good shopping but he does pick up fruit etc. I feel he deliberately bought the wrong jeans so he wouldnt be asked again. Also a bit mean with money.

He can make a sandwich. He can also tell when their clothes are too small- he can choose to pretend not to notice though to save him work.

I hear you op. You feel lonely and stuck with all the shit jobs. You thought you would be parenting as a team but you are bored and alone. I don't know what the answer is. Many men organise their lives around their own priorities and expect their wives to fit in around them. I think they have been socially conditioned that way.

Don't drop hints, tell your husband directly that nothing says "I love you" like a man who can feed and look after his children and do other household tasks without referring to his wife for instructions.

And swimming is a good idea! If you and your DH both work the same hours, you should have the same leisure time. Does he see DIY as work (contributing to the household) or leisure? Or is it a hobby he enjoys?

Most important of all though, you should schedule family time together with DC, and time alone as a couple. When we had young DC, we would take them out on a day trip one Saturday or Sunday, every fortnight (zoo, leisure park, boating lake, museum) and then on the "middle" Saturday we would hire a baby-sitter for the evening and go out ourselves.

Most of all, after many years of marriage, I would say don't sit back and ask for "permission" to organise life the way you like it. Men don't ask for permission generally, they just do it. So take a leaf out of their book and just do it!

What did you used to do together for fun before the DC? Can you talk this stuff through together? Eg can one day at weekend be chores and the next day out and about having fun. Can you reduce your load by changing standards? If he’s more of a homebody and you are more social then yes build in more life for yourself. And if he’s not pulling his weight, he can.

It sounds as though the main problem is the lack of fun.

Division of labour is a practical problem, but from what you say you aren’t really connecting or having fun as a family or a couple.

PS I love that drawing op!

I'm not dismissing your feelings, but I'd love to have a dh who was competent at DIY and could make our house beautiful . I don't think there is anything wrong with people in a marriage having different roles. But its not unreasonable to expect him cook sometimes and share the mental load.

He's completely that.. a simple and happy and content man. His idea of happiness is playing his favourite music or getting a job done. Reading the paper or going for a run. ..I know I am more emotional and complex than him and after 13 years he still hasnt figured me out. We are unusual in that we didn't live together before marriage. Just dated. Both went to uni and similar values and both like home renovation (I do projects inside)

I know I am lucky but I just want a bit more than house stuff in my life.

I think we are good parents and a good team in lots of ways. Like he understands me to a degree (work related stuff he's great)

Also I don't get too involved with in laws. He does that (they are elderly now) so I have boundaries. My sister in law (his brother's wife) doesn't have that. I could be sucked into a much more traditional role if I let myself.