Getting so bored of marriage and wifework

[Pegasussnail]

Please be kind.
Dh is a good man. But this weekend it hit me hard that we have no passion or fun. Yesterday he did DIY all day until 6pm when we were due to go to in-laws. At which point I got up and left to go out (only supermarket open)
I cried loads when I came home. I am so fed up. Cleaning and cooking. I make every meal. He plans his day around DIY and projects.

So now I batch cook and throw a curry out on the table. I don't enjoy it.
I have decided to take up swimming or something to get me out (I work and we have young DC)

But he doesn't know what fits them. Or what they will eat. All came out last night. He said we would go for dinner today (too late and only to keep me quiet I suspect)
I have to think of everything. What DC's eat (ok I'm a mum) but what they need for school. All homework. All clothes and rapidly growing now all needs updating.
But dh does one job and he's 'amazing'

He's taken the DC out this morning so I have a break (going to get paperwork done )

Any advice ?

When did you last have some fun together, like a date night or a weekend away without the kids?

Having young children involves a lot of drudgery, so you won’t really get away from that until they are all a bit older. I have never known anyone who can do diy but genuinely can’t cook as they involve very similar practical skills. Making a sandwich involves assembling materials in order to produce a product. It is just bread and cheese instead of wood and PVA. It sounds like you have gone for the traditional roles but you don’t like yours. Can you cut out some of the things you don’t enjoy, such as church, and replace them with things you do enjoy?

@Pegasussnail

We've literally saved 1000s on renovation by him doing stuff

But in honeymoon he blunty told me he won't be sitting indoors. So he when we saw this house come up he wanted it. He wouldn't suit not having it to do (he has the whole gadgets ride on lawnmower etc) so he feels like a real man .. lol

You're indulging him. even these posts, although kind of humorous, they're deflecting.

TELL him what he's responsible for. Half. Dinner on x,y&z nights. Every alternative food shop. His laundry + laundry for one of the children.

Then LET HIM FAIL. He will fail for a while because he wants you /expects you to race in and do it better, but basically DO it.

Don't.

I put up with being a slave before I left my x but after being single for so long now I know that in the unlikely event of my ever being under the same roof as a man, I would do HALF.

I don't even wash my children's clothes! They're 15 and 18 but still.

If a 15 year old boy can figure it out, your H can.

My 15 year old son is messy, but I can tell him ''go to Aldi and get something for dinner'' and he will get something. Basically, he has an idea and buys what is needed for that idea.

He's 15. I just don't buy the incompetent husband shtikk

That's the thing op isn't it. He told you bluntly he won't be doing any "sitting indoors" ! Is that his way of saying he won't be doing any domestic work?

You need to have a serious discussion about this. As pp said, he perhaps sees DIY as his contribution. But he obviously enjoys it! While you are stuck alone with housework and cooking. This happens in many marriages.

Ultimately it is usually the woman who ends up cleaning the loo! While men pick and choose!

"I just don't buy the incompetent husband shtikk"

I agree.

Anyone can google a recipe & follow it for example.

I agree with all the advice above how to share chores etc, but when it comes to having fun, I think you have to take a bit more responsibility. Yes it feels like just one more thing to organise. But it sounds like you think it's his responsibility to take you out and give you some fun. That would be lovely but it's not real life. Especially since it's not really his thing. Plan some nights out or weekends away yourself, with him, with friends, or by yourself. Start some hobbies or a sport. You need to make your own fun.

Talk to your husband and explain how you feel. Get him to work with you on solutions. He doesn't sound like a bad person, just a bit immature, he probably would be really worried if he understood how unhappy you are.

Buys wrong size? Take it back for exchange just like everybody else.

There are some things about responsibilities & consequences he needs to learn to be fit for adult life.

I like the idea of divvying life chores by days that are blocked out on the calendar. He will soon adapt to change & yes the food may be crap until he gets a handle in it, but this is a long term venture.

Not so sure about allocating a child each although I see the reason that mum has responsibility of the youngest.

Stop doing stuff for him - his washing at least. He can bake his own bread FFS.

You either make plans to change the status quo or you make plans to leave.

Status quo
Hello fresh is a great idea, sit down together and make him choose which recipes he'll be cooking. It least half the week.
Have a purge of the childrens clothes so that everything at least fits.
Take it in turns to do washing each week.
Get a cleaner.
And make a life for yourself. If he wants to be at home, that's fine but you don't have to stand watching him do diy.

Oh yes there is a point well made earlier.

Don’t fall for the ‘I am useless/incapable at doing this so don’t ask me to do it again’ Bollox to that.

We all know that practice makes perfect & many a loving parent puts up with badly played instruments until Dc gets to play in tune. You will have to put up with some crap until he grasps what is required of him, but persist persist persist. Bit like coming out of nappies.

@forrestgreen has nailed this.

I would have a plan & set time limits, mostly so that the change required does not drift in the churn of everyday life.
So by Easter, this is the new timetable about food.
By mid-July childcare pattern is in place for school hols.
By September etc
by Christmas etc.

This is all school term focused because hey, you have kids in case he hasn’t noticed or see it as quarterly chunks.

You determine what MUST change & negotiate for that as a priority, once those changes are in place (& you may have to push to the brink to get this change) after that come the changes that should happen, could happen & maybe something from your wish list.

As important, is your plan for yourself, your goals & time lines to get things in place. Taking control of the drift is your life is very important for your wellbeing & MH.

The overarching ‘task’ in the plan of changes is that if your situation has not changed by x date by y amount after z efforts then it’s time for you to make a lasting change in your marriage by calling it to an end.

He’ll have to bloody learn then won’t he? I’d go away for a weekend leaving him with basic instructions.

He will figure it out.

You also need to sort out doing things for you and he minds or looks after the kids.

If necessary go shopping with him, for kids clothes but show him what you mean. He should concentrate too.

Also show him a few simple meals get him to help but say you will want him to do one a week. Go food shopping with him too.

I think DIY is important obv. However its often a way of having me time! As you say he has his music on ,feels good doing his task for that day .You are Entertainment Officer ,chief Cook and bottlewasher ! He sounds like a good man at heart ,perhaps in need of retraining! So weekends if weather is nice plan a day out (Let him know Midweek!) He can do DIY on opposite weekend day . Why not order online ?Less stress and can free up time (ordering DC clothes from M and S or wherever) .Why cant he help with HW one week or one child for example .YANBU at all. There is an old saying the family that plays together stays together .It is often true . Maybe a meal out now and then or Hello fresh? Just gently introduce him bit by bit!

I’d give him to summer or autumn to make an effort but tell him this. If he doesn’t shape up i would very seriously think about separating.

Do you have a cleaner? If not that’d take heat off.

You have chosen to marry and have children with a very traditional, old fashioned man with very traditional old fashioned values who has grown up in a very traditional old fashioned family and now you resent him for not being a modern, involved parent.

These issues should have been sorted out before you had children but you are where you are so it’s time for some straight talking. Tell him he needs to step up then set some boundaries and stop trying to do everything yourself.

So dies the op also need to take on 50% of the house renovations too? Or is her expected to do up the house single handedly, do his normal job and do 50% of the housework and provide fun for the op? Is he going to be allowed to sleep at any point?
Some of these answers are so simplistic.
The first step is conversation and sharing feelings and coming up with solutions together. Like a team.

If you work two jobs then all housework and childcare needs to be split equally.
Spend a few weeks writing everything you do. Everything. Even reminding the kids to brush their teeth. Divide it into mental load stuff, cleaning, cooking etc
Then ask him what he thinks is a fair split going forward and write your names against everything.
Him goi no home every Friday-Mon during uni says alot as well

Why do women bother to get married when they clearly despise traditional relationships. You can get legal affairs and house ownership legitimised via solicitors. What’s the attraction if you think it’s an outdated institution just live separately.

Thanks you all so much. this has been so helpful
I feel a lot better for getting it off my chest.
I need to make a plan. He was quite sheepish this morning and is bringing home dinner (it will be cooked in-store I'm sure)

But I feel better. There's a local leisure centre I could join and it has a hair salon etc so I could happily go there in the evening or Saturday and shout 'sort the DC's meals' and head out. If I am here its 'will Betty eat carrots and will John eat rice' (not real names)

Also trying to make the DC more independent

That's 100percent it planet
We dated 15 years ago and I ended it because I knew it would be like this but then I dated so many crap men who used me I held onto dh then when we got back together

Friends know what he's like he's very traditional or proper' they tell me.

Dinner cooked in store is FINE. You just need him to do his share his way.

Some of the advice on here really!! To do family laundry and leave husbands!! What sort of relationships are these people in?
This is all about communication. You need to tell him very clearly how you are feeling. He needs to agree to splitting some of the less enjoyable tasks. Maybe 3 nights a week he should be responsible for meals but you will need to accept what he decides to cook and not be critical of it. Maybe put a timed wash on at bedtime and ask him to hang out out in the morning whilst you get kids ready for the day, or vice versa. I liked the suggestion that you join him in the DIY as it is fun to work together.
It is hard to work full time and renovate a house so you are both going to be feeling tired.
The whole thing about making sandwiches, it sounds like he was just asking how much they normally eat at lunchtime, not how to make them. You only have to answer that question once and he will know. The trousers.... just show him how short they are and ask him to return and get next size... he will then know. We don't know these things magically. If I asked my husband to go clothes shopping, I would tell him what size/age to buy. And no.... he is not useless and does nearly all the shopping and cooking but I know what he knows and spell out the stuff he doesn't!

@CushionSpiral

If you work two jobs then all housework and childcare needs to be split equally. Spend a few weeks writing everything you do. Everything. Even reminding the kids to brush their teeth. Divide it into mental load stuff, cleaning, cooking etc Then ask him what he thinks is a fair split going forward and write your names against everything. Him goi no home every Friday-Mon during uni says alot as well

If the op is in Ireland as i suspect, the going home at weekends is incredibly common, particularly in northern Ireland

I would love it if my DH did DIY, he's very competent but lazy, so I end up doing most of it.