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Original poster

Getting so bored of marriage and wifework

120 replies

Pegasussnail · 06/03/2022 10:01

Please be kind.
Dh is a good man. But this weekend it hit me hard that we have no passion or fun. Yesterday he did DIY all day until 6pm when we were due to go to in-laws. At which point I got up and left to go out (only supermarket open)
I cried loads when I came home. I am so fed up. Cleaning and cooking. I make every meal. He plans his day around DIY and projects.

So now I batch cook and throw a curry out on the table. I don't enjoy it.
I have decided to take up swimming or something to get me out (I work and we have young DC)

But he doesn't know what fits them. Or what they will eat. All came out last night. He said we would go for dinner today (too late and only to keep me quiet I suspect)
I have to think of everything. What DC's eat (ok I'm a mum) but what they need for school. All homework. All clothes and rapidly growing now all needs updating.
But dh does one job and he's 'amazing'

He's taken the DC out this morning so I have a break (going to get paperwork done )

Any advice ?

OP posts:

Skelligsfeathers · 06/03/2022 16:34

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 06/03/2022 16:41

@billy1966

OP,

You are bored with him and don't sound as if you love him any more, not to mind in love.

Tight with money isn't a nice characteristic.

He sounds as if his life is as he wants it.

He has his DIY and potters along while you do the drudgery.

If you wish to stay together, you need to divide the work load.
Allow him to mess up and fix his mess.
Get out of the house and leave him to it.

If you don't do it, you will grow to loathe him and your marriage will end.

Join a class, take up a sport, but get out of the house.

Stop doing his laundry to drive the pount home.

Give him days that he is responsible for dinner.

If he isn't prepared to work with you, accept he doesn't want to be married and divorce him.

He's no prize and you have only one life.
Don't sacrifice yours for his comfort.

I think the op needs to find a way to relieve her boredom, by going outside of the home instead of blaming her hubby. If she divorces him, she'll have to do 100% of the drudge, the renovations, and her business herself. Poor advice.

I sometimes long for my carefree youth, but a renovation and business, marriage puts a kibosh on all that. Plus age, it's called being a grown-up.

THisbackwithavengeance · 06/03/2022 16:46

I think your DH sounds like a lovely man. Hard working, great at DIY (do NOT knock this), fantastic father, traditional values; ok he's a shit cook but you can't have it all.

Throw him back, OP. He'll be snapped up in 5 minutes and then you can be a single, working mum and see how much "fun" that is - particularly when you see the poor quality of single men out there.

Sorry to be a bitch, but you have a severe case of the grass being greener on the other side here.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships

CheshireChat · 06/03/2022 17:04

Yeah, I disagree with the above posters.

Men get the 'once in a while' quite satisfying jobs like DIY and women get saddled with the daily drudgery.

I'm a single parent and I do both, guess which one eats loads more of my time .

diddl · 06/03/2022 17:07

Hopefully he will start to do some cooking, will look after the kids so Op can go swimming (or whatever) & they can also find time to do things together/as a family.

If he spends time doing DIY/seeing his mum/going to church-presumably Op is looking after the kids so that he can do that.

CheshireChat · 06/03/2022 17:09

And I bet that even most men wouldn't have a clue where to start on more serious plumbing and electrics (!), but statistically they're also not going to shoulder a fair share of household tasks and mental load.

1forAll74 · 06/03/2022 17:23

What are you complaining about I would say.Just find some little interesting things to do, in between what you call wife work

LittleBearPad · 06/03/2022 18:15

@1forAll74

What are you complaining about I would say.Just find some little interesting things to do, in between what you call wife work

God that’s a depressing perspective - “little interesting things”

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 06/03/2022 18:19

@CheshireChat

Yeah, I disagree with the above posters.

Men get the 'once in a while' quite satisfying jobs like DIY and women get saddled with the daily drudgery.

I'm a single parent and I do both, guess which one eats loads more of my time .

I'm sure the op said the house was a project, so it's hardly a, 'Once in a while'. Task. I'm a man and I think DIY is shite.

Whatwouldnanado · 06/03/2022 19:09

Your husband sounds great. Compromise needed here, before bitterness sets in. Get a hobby for one night of the week on your own then something to do together with or without the kids.

MsGoodenough · 06/03/2022 19:20

I've only read the first page, but I'd honestly say split up with him. You aren't happy and he's chilling out while you do the shit work. I'm always in such shock that so many emmen put up with a marriage like this. There honestly are men who know what their kids eat and organise world book day costumes and dentist's appointments. I wish more women would realise this and not settle for anything less.

MsGoodenough · 06/03/2022 19:36

Just read the rest of the thread and maybe I was a bit hasty with the leave him advice. The DIY is clearly worthwhile if you're doing a house renovation, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be doing day to day house and kids stuff as well. DiY is his hobby but housework isn't yours so they shouldn't be treated as equivalent. I personally hate the name of The Organised Mum Method, although the ideas are good, as it yet again assumes cleaning is the mum's job. You need to be an organised team of parents splitting the jobs between you. Sit down and discuss but never never swoop in to redo a job he's done badly. He will learn. Don't fall for strategic incompetence

Original poster

Pegasussnail · 06/03/2022 19:42

Thanks MsGood
We went out today after he got back and while I am still angry really at things I know the grass won't be greener and I do need to make my own life. He wouldn't give a hoot if I went out for the whole day. I made my bed and I'm lying in it. I knew it would be like this and he had no girlfriends before me so I broke the back on trying to sort these things. He's not a party goer. Had no stag for example. I can't change his personality.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 06/03/2022 19:55

Do you really want to be miserable like this for the rest of your life?

LittleBearPad · 06/03/2022 20:11

@Pegasussnail

Thanks MsGood We went out today after he got back and while I am still angry really at things I know the grass won't be greener and I do need to make my own life. He wouldn't give a hoot if I went out for the whole day. I made my bed and I'm lying in it. I knew it would be like this and he had no girlfriends before me so I broke the back on trying to sort these things. He's not a party goer. Had no stag for example. I can't change his personality.

You do need to make your own life. What is it you want?

Figure this out and you might be happier

FurPunt · 06/03/2022 20:30

Littlebear has it in a way, great summary, best of luck OP.

FurPunt · 06/03/2022 20:39

To expand

What is it that you need to get more in contact with? Girlish fun, wise owl, physical adventurer, nature lover, romantic etc, and so on … I also think the housewife/mother role can offer lots of fulfilment in these different ways, but sometimes can be constraining when routineism takes over … as other posters have said, it’s up to us to find …

Lookingforatimeslip · 06/03/2022 20:40

I can understand your frustration. I met my DH when I was in my early 20s. His mum waited on him and he treated the place like a hotel. Had I known about mumsnet then it would’ve alerted me to a huge red flag. My DH doesn’t do nothing but he picks what he wants from the domestic chores, hangs out washing but doesn’t iron, takes out the bins but doesn’t clean any bathrooms. I now work ft as does he but we have children with special needs and that load falls on me plus the usual mental load. I’ve tried talking to my DH about how maybe occasionally he could clean a bathroom but nothing changes and I’ve concluded he has a mix of low standards, he doesn’t care enough that it bothers me and his female role model pretty much did everything.

I would build a life outside your DH. I’m very resentful and my husband complains I’m not affectionate but as he’s not meeting my emotional needs we’ve reached a stalemate. I think a lot of men have low standards and unfortunately to hand over a chore you end up having to lower your standards as well.

dontblamemee · 06/03/2022 20:55

Literally just had this convo with DP. He says he does more than I think he does.

He doesn't even open the bathroom window before/after he's taken a shit.

Alwayscheerful · 07/03/2022 11:57

Your DH sounds like a good man.
Your happiness should not be dependent upon him .
Many farmers are cautious with money , his needs are relatively simple and inexpensive, thankfully he has no expensive hobbies such as golf or cycling and no desire for top of the range gadgets.
Buy in some help at home, find ways to make running your home easier on you and find some joy outside of your home.

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