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Original poster

Getting so bored of marriage and wifework

120 replies

Pegasussnail · 06/03/2022 10:01

Please be kind.
Dh is a good man. But this weekend it hit me hard that we have no passion or fun. Yesterday he did DIY all day until 6pm when we were due to go to in-laws. At which point I got up and left to go out (only supermarket open)
I cried loads when I came home. I am so fed up. Cleaning and cooking. I make every meal. He plans his day around DIY and projects.

So now I batch cook and throw a curry out on the table. I don't enjoy it. Sad
I have decided to take up swimming or something to get me out (I work and we have young DC)

But he doesn't know what fits them. Or what they will eat. All came out last night. He said we would go for dinner today (too late and only to keep me quiet I suspect)
I have to think of everything. What DC's eat (ok I'm a mum) but what they need for school. All homework. All clothes and rapidly growing now all needs updating.
But dh does one job and he's 'amazing'

He's taken the DC out this morning so I have a break (going to get paperwork done )

Any advice ?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 06/03/2022 10:32

What would you like to do? It’s hard but think of positive things to do rather than only the negatives.

Say it’s go out for the day - with him and the children or just you? Doing what etc. Then do it.

You don’t want to go to church - don’t go. He can take the children.

TerraNovaTwo · 06/03/2022 10:35

I'm happy to be a single mother, even more so when I read threads like this.

Mooster62 · 06/03/2022 10:36

I may have missed it somewhere but do you work?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
ShavingTheBadger · 06/03/2022 10:39

Can I also say I love that drawing? Your children are obviously happy. Now to work on you. Maybe start with a family day a couple of times a month where everyone goes out together? Might break up the monotony.

godmum56 · 06/03/2022 10:44

"I am more emotional and complex than him" how do you know? It sounds like neither of you know each other very well given thatb you have 3 kids together?

diddl · 06/03/2022 10:44

He can't make a sandwich??

Is he safe to do diy??

If he can't cook I'm guessing that he never left home & went straight from mum to you?

Was there no splitting of the cooking/housework when you first married?

I

Original poster
Pegasussnail · 06/03/2022 10:45

Yes I have two jobs (professional)

OP posts:
ikeepseeingit · 06/03/2022 10:45

Sounds like you need a break OP. Can anyone take the children for a couple nights and you both get away to a new city? It also sounds like he needs to cook more as a priority because that’s getting to you more than anything else. Does he even cook one day a week normally? You need some time away from thinking about it really.

Original poster
Pegasussnail · 06/03/2022 10:47

He left home to to uni and lived in the city in a houseshare where he had to cook.
I suspect he brought his washing home (came home every Friday until Monday morning) and moved back and lived at home until the weekend we married. His parents lived with his father's parents so If I didn't own my own home I could have moved in I'm sure Grin joke

OP posts:
Justkeeppedaling · 06/03/2022 10:47

Ask him how you can help with the DIY and do they together. Then cook together at the end of the day and put the kids to bed together.

Over time you can slowly turn this into taking turns.

Original poster
Pegasussnail · 06/03/2022 10:47

No he doesn't cook at all

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 06/03/2022 10:50

You didn't live together pre marriage and his mum did everything for him.He's basically never learnt to be a fully functioning adult.My late MIL was outraged I wouldn't do her precious sons ironing when we moved in together.She was very traditional and thought it was the woman's job to keep house although in this instance I have to point out my FIL didn't enforce that as he tried to do his fair share when she'd let him.

My DH sadly was always happy to let his mum wait on him hand and foot (mostly when FIL wasn't around) and when we moved in together he expected me to take over from his mother.

It's all well and good people saying get him to do X,Y&Z as I know from disappointing experience that it's very hard to men like both of our DH's to change as it's an ingrained lifelong habit.

However we also live in a fixer upper and my DH won't do any DIY.

LittleBearPad · 06/03/2022 10:51

@Pegasussnail

No he doesn't cook at all
Time he learned then. He didn’t starve when he was house sharing so you won’t all starve now. If he’s not sure what the children like make a list.
iPaddy · 06/03/2022 10:52

He needs to learn to cook. Maybe start him off with Gousto or Hello Fresh but he needs to step up.

You are absolutely not wrong to feel the way you feel Flowers

diddl · 06/03/2022 10:53

Do you both work the same/similar hours & he's renovating the house on top of that?

Although I agree that he could be cooking a couple of times a week I'd happily cook if it meant he could be getting on with the renovation.

I imagine it's that he never does though so it doesn't seem as if you are stepping in so he can keep on with the diy?

Lurking9to5 · 06/03/2022 10:53

Let him learn how to do these things.

Tell him you will do laundry for yourself and dc2. No mention of his clothes or dc1

Tell him you will be responsible for dinner monday, wednesday and sunday!

Say it will a smile.

But when there is no dinner on tuesday, wait until kids ask whats for dinner and say, daddy's making dinner tonight.

Worst case scenario and he fails to produce even cheese on toast then make cheese and toast for yrslf and dc.

Seriously op, stop racing in to do what he has failed to do. Let the gaps in his capabilities be very apparent

RandomMess · 06/03/2022 10:55

I think you need to say equal leisure time and equal mental load is what Is equitable and fair.

I handed over all the cooking and food shopping to DH when I returned to work and he had never cooked before. He learnt and I was non-critical about the meals but did have to tell him vegetables had to be provided with every evening meal repeatedly.

Painful but worth it, then he took over laundry, then school stuff.

LittleBearPad · 06/03/2022 10:55

I really don’t get the benefit of having responsibility for one child @Lurking9to5. It’s easier to do one wash for multiple people’s clothes than separate them.

It would be better to divide overall tasks than people.

Skelligsfeathers · 06/03/2022 10:59

Are you in Ireland op?

How big a job is the house renovation? Could you afford to pay someone to come in and finish it all off so you have that task off your collective shoulders?

Original poster
Pegasussnail · 06/03/2022 10:59

We've literally saved 1000s on renovation by him doing stuff

But in honeymoon he blunty told me he won't be sitting indoors. So he when we saw this house come up he wanted it. He wouldn't suit not having it to do (he has the whole gadgets ride on lawnmower etc) so he feels like a real man .. lol

OP posts:
Malibuismysecrethome · 06/03/2022 11:00

To have a large renovation project which you are also living in whilst having DC is always going to be difficult. If your DP is doing the renovation on his own with no help then I think he is contributing to the running of the house.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/03/2022 11:03

The problem with him doing the DIY and you looking after the house is that he enjoys the DIY and you get all the drudge.

You both need to have time on the weekend doing things you enjoy and things that need to get done.

He needs to become an active member of your family. This means engaging with the family and not just doing the things that suit him

Skelligsfeathers · 06/03/2022 11:04

It sounds like you've got into a real rut.
He's your husband- he's supposed to be your best friend- talk to to him

Say " i am so bored that i think i am going mad" Tell him how bogged down you feel- and say that you need some changes. He sounds like a good man and should take it on board. Have a glass of wine and a chat.

Seriously, the guy isn't a mind reader- tell him how you're feeling.

diddl · 06/03/2022 11:07

Could you all at least sometimes cook together?

I find it's sometimes being the only one stuck in the kitchen that can make it seem even more of a drudge.

WallaceinAnderland · 06/03/2022 11:10

The real problem is that you clearly don't talk to each other. He sounds ok but I would not pander to him being too incompetent to make a sandwich. He's having you on there.