Getting so bored of marriage and wifework

[Pegasussnail]

Please be kind.
Dh is a good man. But this weekend it hit me hard that we have no passion or fun. Yesterday he did DIY all day until 6pm when we were due to go to in-laws. At which point I got up and left to go out (only supermarket open)
I cried loads when I came home. I am so fed up. Cleaning and cooking. I make every meal. He plans his day around DIY and projects.

So now I batch cook and throw a curry out on the table. I don't enjoy it.
I have decided to take up swimming or something to get me out (I work and we have young DC)

But he doesn't know what fits them. Or what they will eat. All came out last night. He said we would go for dinner today (too late and only to keep me quiet I suspect)
I have to think of everything. What DC's eat (ok I'm a mum) but what they need for school. All homework. All clothes and rapidly growing now all needs updating.
But dh does one job and he's 'amazing'

He's taken the DC out this morning so I have a break (going to get paperwork done )

Any advice ?

Forgot to say....I can remember the drudgery of small children( and a house that needed work) It is relentless and all feels so pointless, but it does improve with time. Try and do some fun things together. Don't lose your sense of humour.

I think you need to tell him that housework, DC etc is NOT your hobby and not what you enjoy and that you would rather be doing decorating, renovating etc.

That he is doing what he prefers and you are doing your abs his drudge work.

Pegassussnail it sounds like you are shouldering "the mental load."

This cartoon should
resonate www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Church seems like an obvious thing to drop as it will be reinforcing his outdated values. Could he devote that time to something useful like learning how to cook instead?

It sounds like you are bored, you have jointly set upon a house renovation, which is taking his time when you are left with the day to day drudge of life. But he isn't responsible for your happiness, so take heart + work out what will make you happy and go chase it. So the kids have crap dinners that's no biggee. Could they get a school dinner, so they could eat a sandwich which he can prepare a couple of times a week. He will soon learn and in the meantime, perhaps you should discuss the completion of the renovations going forward.

[quote thnkingaboutoptions]Pegassussnail it sounds like you are shouldering "the mental load."

This cartoon should
resonate www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic[/quote]
I have saved that cartoon to show my Dh and ds. The part about outsourcing to poorer immigrant women as a solution really resonated with me and my circle of friends.

I have been where you are op. At a certain point, particularly with young children the high rotation of drudgery does indeed lead to a joyless life. Add to that a carefree dh and it can lead to bad places.

I posted on here many years ago much like you. A poster recomended writing a list of the basics that need to be done everyday/week, sitting down with dh, and dividing up the list. No emotion, no "I need help" - simply which would you rather laundry or bathrooms?
I implemented it with a dh who was much like yours. I was so rigid , it took a little time but I do believe it saved our marriage.

OP,

You are bored with him and don't sound as if you love him any more, not to mind in love.

Tight with money isn't a nice characteristic.

He sounds as if his life is as he wants it.

He has his DIY and potters along while you do the drudgery.

If you wish to stay together, you need to divide the work load.
Allow him to mess up and fix his mess.
Get out of the house and leave him to it.

If you don't do it, you will grow to loathe him and your marriage will end.

Join a class, take up a sport, but get out of the house.

Stop doing his laundry to drive the pount home.

Give him days that he is responsible for dinner.

If he isn't prepared to work with you, accept he doesn't want to be married and divorce him.

He's no prize and you have only one life.
Don't sacrifice yours for his comfort.

His life is how he wants it.

What do you want your life to look like?

Communicate. Draw up a list of jobs for you both. Stop going to church if you don’t enjoy it

Dairy farmers are a breed of their own, they are used to spending most days on the farm, the odd day out at market or a show. Thrills aren't something they are familiar with. He may not actually be one but the genetic memory is there. I know you don't want to be tied to the house all the time but you're going to have to be gentle when you're breaking him in to a different way of living. Start with a date night, you choose where you go. Then extend it to , say, an overnight and then maybe a spa. If you're both working towards renovating your home how about planning it together ?so you're both involved in most jobs , not "his" and "yours". You've made a start with swimming lessons, that's a little bit of time to yourself, you might find something else you want to do. I really feel your marriage has a lot going for it, once you discover yourself a while. Your husband sounds like he's quite solitary and prefers to socialise in quite a contained way (Church) fair enough if he's content but he does need encouragement to give your feelings more consideration. Churches sometimes offer a form of counselling or mediation, do you think that might help ? I really hope you find a way to be happy because as I have been told you can't pour from an empty cup

If you don't love him will you ever be happy?

I do most of the house drudge but we still do some of it together & still go out together.

He might be good at diy but if it's to save money that you could afford & it keeps him out of family stuff, that's not attractive.

Neither is not being able to make a sandwich or check what size clothes your kids wear!

@tkwal

Dairy farmers are a breed of their own, they are used to spending most days on the farm, the odd day out at market or a show. Thrills aren't something they are familiar with. He may not actually be one but the genetic memory is there. I know you don't want to be tied to the house all the time but you're going to have to be gentle when you're breaking him in to a different way of living. Start with a date night, you choose where you go. Then extend it to , say, an overnight and then maybe a spa. If you're both working towards renovating your home how about planning it together ?so you're both involved in most jobs , not "his" and "yours". You've made a start with swimming lessons, that's a little bit of time to yourself, you might find something else you want to do. I really feel your marriage has a lot going for it, once you discover yourself a while. Your husband sounds like he's quite solitary and prefers to socialise in quite a contained way (Church) fair enough if he's content but he does need encouragement to give your feelings more consideration. Churches sometimes offer a form of counselling or mediation, do you think that might help ? I really hope you find a way to be happy because as I have been told you can't pour from an empty cup

Great advice.

I feel a bit like you, and I have no husband or children!!! Though I do have some significant health limitations. It’s just feeling overwhelmed with home chores, basically. Here are a few very recent thoughts of mine, if any help.

1. The “fly lady” method of house up-keep. It’s really simple. You divide the month into weeks and it’s 1 area/room per week, 15 minutes each day! I’m just about to try it. If it’s possible, get your children involved in this - yay!!

1. I believe everyone should have one day a week where they do nothing!!!! Only what they fancy doing at home or away from home. Quite a few religions have this, though obviously more spiritually-based.

1. What you want to do. You’ve already covered some of this. But I believe doing the above might free you up from your work at home and with children to do this.

1. Your DH. I think that is another topic. Maybe the above will give you more space to have some more fun in whatever interests you, or with your DH. I don’t know, but I think if you start taking control for yourself that will help matters here too.

diddl I do love him it's just the fun has gone for me (it was always pretty serious but pre DC we travelled loads and I was happy to finally meet someone decent)
If that makes sense. I don't want the life his mother had. He thinks she had a lovely life but she is very passive and submissive. Her dh (fil) is quite rude to her and she was chained to the farm/kitchen sink her whole life not able to be herself

Now I am not for one moment saying my life is like that but just to put dh life and background into context.

Some great solid advise here though that will help me a lot. Thanks so much

Advice

Re. no 2, that’s no chores whatsoever for one whole day a week. It’s an opportunity to get off the hamster wheel and completely relax or do something interesting or fun.

Thanks Fur I have the Organised Mum method book but haven't got into gear with it.
I am majorly decluttering the house and have several bags out the past few weeks. So once I get those out I feel ready to tackle a routine. Eg toys, kitchen utensils

So the house is looking a lot better and really bright and spacious at the moment

Interesting OP, then you are ahead of me 🙂there at least. I’ve only just realised there are these “methods” out there, I would have ridiculed them as a free-spirit, but I think if you find a basic one that works for you, it could be really helpful. In the old days, housewives often had a routine of sorts, washing on Monday etc. I can see now how it could stop you atrophying like a rabbit caught in headlights, or going to the other extreme and becoming obsessive. Running a home is also a big job in itself, undervalued. Even single, working people often “boarded” where meals provided, or you are out, I think partly in recognition that it was hard to come home from a days work and start shopping, cooking, cleaning etc on top.

eat out

"Now I am not for one moment saying my life is like that but just to put dh life and background into context."

Tbh I don't really buy that he wants for you what his mum had.

That's obviously not his decision to make & he must realise that things change from generation to generation.

For example if his Mum didn't go out to work, why would you be doing the same amount in the house as she did?

It's nonsense.

My Dad worked long hours & still helped out with us/around the house even though my Mum didn't go out to work at that point.

I'm nearly 60.

It never occurred to him that it all fell to my Mum.

Just to clarify, hopefully not too much of a bore, I’ve only just discovered the Fly Lady! I have only taken on board the “15 minute deep cleaning per day” and 4 weeks/4 zone idea. The other stuff she writes seems a bit obvious to me or ‘over organised’ Stepford wife, just not me.

I am also in a decluttering kinda mode, but I seem to have been doing it for years now, and I find even that can contribute to feeling overwhelmed at times.

Like I said OP, I think as you start to get your own life more sorted and creatively engaged with, you will also get more clarity re. your rltnshp with DH.

I long to read on here about a woman who has rewired and replumbed her house. It seems that DIY is an invisible and unworthy skill on here even if, as the OP says, it has saved them thousands.The trouble is by being dismissive of this kind of work (men's work) as the OP might call it kind of makes a mockery of wifework.
Both terms are patronising and both skills need recognition and respect.
Split your current load down the middle, OP, outsource all the renovation projects and then you might feel better and in control.

I think it's more satisfying than housework though, and who really knows how long a DIY task takes so it's a good way to escape the monotonous tasks like loading and unloading a dishwasher with a proj3ct that has a beginning a middle and an end

@Skelligsfeathers

So dies the op also need to take on 50% of the house renovations too? Or is her expected to do up the house single handedly, do his normal job and do 50% of the housework and provide fun for the op? Is he going to be allowed to sleep at any point? Some of these answers are so simplistic. The first step is conversation and sharing feelings and coming up with solutions together. Like a team.

No, he's not allowed to sleep.