I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

@Theonlyoneiknow

That is an absolutely awful idea OP, what on earth were they thinking.

That's the nub of the issue - I don't believe they were thinking if that is the suggestion they came up with and decided to run with (if only for 24/48 hours). I know it sounds crass but someone up thread said it's like suggesting doing sponsored blind-man's buff for the RNIB or a sponsored hop-a-thon for amputees. It's so completely tone deaf.

They probably still won't listen to anyone. They are too stupid. They even think you're over reacting. No matter who tells them this is a stupid idea, they'll do it I imagine. Morons..

I can't even think of an actual appropriate fundraiser you could do connected to this. It's going to have to be not connected really, anything similar just sounds cruel.

Seen your update. I think you are right to leave the group. And to be honest, why waste your time trying to persuade them. If they can't see for themselves, or your reaction, what a sick idea that is, then nothing will persuade them.

This is like those people who shave their heads in solidarity with cancer sufferers and raise money of the back of it.

Those who have lost their hair through cancer (or other condition) don't want to be reminded of the worst time in their life.

This suggestion is similarly deluded, and depending on the age and temperament of the child cruel to them who have no choice in the matter.

I would tell them that you put the scenario out on an Internet forum and got an overwhelming response from bereaved parents that this would be distasteful and upsetting.

@DefiniteTortoise

'Dear volunteering group. The fundraising idea you have suggested suggests that being separated from your living child for a brief, finite period of time is somehow analogous to being separated from that child forever due to their death. As a bereaved parent I am appalled at quite how tone deaf this suggestion is, and implore you to consider other options for fundraising in this instance.'

I'm so sorry OP

this is written well, and something they cannot ignore. Tone deaf is exactly how I would describe it too. I'm also a fundraiser and that idea is beyond ridiculous, I'm sure it won't go down well with your local community. it certainly wouldn't get support from local PR reps.

I hope you get heard OP.

@LemonDrizzles

Just tell them to imagine you are raising money for an amputee by hopping on one leg. Help them mentally grasp why their suggestion is insensitive.

I am so sorry for your loss.

You are in my thoughts

They would probably think "what a good idea!" they're beyond insensitive.

Had I not known better, I would have thought this to be an excerpt of The Office, with David Brent trying his hardest to be sensitive and caring but in reality he's clueless and devoid of sympathy.

Jesus Christ, can't they understand that if it's horrific for YOU to even think about it, then the parents they are raising money for will ALSO find it EQUALLY distressing and insulting?

I think you should definitely write back calmly, and explain that whilst, yes, you did get a bit emotional the other day, you have calmed down and still think it's an equally bad idea and that you implore them to think about how the parents the equipment is designed to help might feel about it, and if they might not have exactly the same reaction as you.

@Bunnycat101

Echoing others it is an awful idea and the quote is just incredibly offensive. They should have some empathy and realise that given it upset you so much it might not be the best campaign idea.

Also, taking out the emotion, the actual fundraising idea is a shite one. After a long day at work my husband could easily go 24 hours without seeing the children if he missed bedtime. It sounds like an excuse for the mums to go and have a night in a hotel somewhere and I certainly wouldn’t be sponsoring. I would however donate for a simple: we’re raising money for a cuddle cot type campaign without any of the bollocks they’ve come up with.

Just what I was thinking. My mum paid for me and DH to have a night away in a hotel last month and it was a massive treat! Even without the offensive element it doesn't even make any sense.

You're not wrong, it's an awful idea.

I have no childen myself and I am sorry for your loss and that you were hurt by this batshit stupid idea. My response would be on the lines of "have you all gone fucking crazy?"

Jesus fucking christ, what a horrific idea, how can people be so stupid!!!

This is a horrible idea and incredibly offensive to anyone who has lost a child.

Unbelievably insensible and ridiculous idea. 24hrs from their child, what in a hotel or something? And that’s supposed to be on a parallel with someone losing a child. Wow

Where has the emotional intelligence of these other members gone?

This is such a jaw-droppingly poor idea that it beggars belief.

I would tell them that you put the scenario out on an Internet forum and got an overwhelming response from bereaved parents that this would be distasteful and upsetting.

Actually, the response has been unanimous from all posters, whether bereaved or not. The lack of direct experience of the people proposing and supporting this idea, let alone the 'forgiving' response to the OPs objections and distress, is really no excuse.

Please show them this thread. That should do it!

Firstly, sending lots of love for what you have been through @Namechanged4obvreasons - nobody who hasn't been through this (including me) will ever know the depth of the grief you've gone through.

Secondly, I truly cannot comprehend what I've read! Who in their right mind would think this an acceptable, let alone GOOD, idea?! It is deeply disrespectful and all it does is play down the grief that the families would be feeling.

ANYONE can go a night without their child to cuddle, not everyone can cope with the emotions these families would be going through before, during and after.

This is disgusting and needs to be stopped, you are 100% doing the right thing going to SANDS (wonderful charity btw, has helped my cousin process the loss of a baby) and the hospital - I imagine no matter how much they need the money they would never want their cause to be demonstrated in this way.

I can understand you feeling this way and l am sorry for your loss.
What this group has proposed is highly insulting.
To be honest l would reconsider if l wanted to be part of this group anymore. With the best will in the world unless they have been in that situation they won' t be able to understand, only imagine.
Don' t feel like you have to justify your reaction, it was perfectly normal and be glad you spoke out and said what you did, they need to be aware of how hurtful their decisions can be when they get it wrong.

It’s such an awful idea, OP, no wonder you were angry and distressed. The whole point of raising money for this equipment is to give a little comfort to bereaved families, but the suggested method of fundraising is totally insensitive and belittles their awful grief. It would also destroy the credibility of the charity for future fundraising efforts.

There are so many other ways to raise money for their cause, and they should be ashamed of themselves for minimising your reaction to this horrible idea.

Holy hell, they really suggested getting people to pay them to play pretend at having a dead child?

That's shocking. I'm sorry, but there's no excuse for even suggesting that unless you're seriously missing your empathy switch.

I'm so sorry for you loss, OP, and honestly, if all you did was cry and shout a little bit, they should count themselves lucky!

YNBU. For such an emotive issue it's highly inappropriate. I doubt they are being deliberately insensitive, they just haven't thought it through

I'm glad I read your last post - I don't think I've ever suggested sending a thread before, but was about to. I hope that when they see 200 people agreeing it's abhorrent, a small chink of light will dawn, and they'll get it.

I honestly couldn't have been more shocked, and then I saw that they forgave you for being over emotional.

Well, in the immortal letters of MN..

TCFOTTFSOF, ATFOSM!!

I'm so sorry, it's subhuman, and I'm really sorry you were there to witness it.

Why is it that some people cannot begin to imagine something unless they've experienced it themselves?

- just to keep you going for a few days.

They're idiots.
Sometimes we all have a stupid idea and occasionally we unfortunately verbalise it. It doesn't stop us being idiots if we can't hear anyone else's voice

I have no words to describe how horrific I think this is and I'm astounded that you were the lone voice
I hope that in the light of day they have listened to you and reflected on the awful impact this tasteless idea is

Oh go! Once you're there you'll relax and have a great time. I absolutely loved NYC, its a brilliant, fun place. Its only a long weekend, did you say? Everything will be fine. Your dog will be fine.