I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

Poor you, I totally agree.

I think the important point to raise - when or if you are ready - is that your reaction is likely to be the reaction of other bereaved parents. If that is the group they are ostensibly trying to support, why would they want to take that risk?

In this case, you are genuinely the expert and they should be able to listen to your message. If you delivered it in a stressed way (of course, you did, you are a loving bereaved mum), that should only serve to underline the point.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I'm sure they mean well but I find it very hurtful. It's as if they're making light of what's happened to bereaved parents. 24 hours away from your child isn't something I'd sponsor. I'd be more inclined to donate money without a stunt than to support that.

I’m so sorry for your loss. The message (as a Comms manager) needs to be something like: I appreciate that this is close to home for me, however that’s not why I think this is a terrible idea. The optics of it are terrible apart from anything else. We will look insensitive in the extreme. Nothing at all can replicate the loss of a child. We will look like amateurs, and callous ones at that. People don’t need to do a sponsored anything to raise money for this equipment - we’re not at school and we don’t have the Comic Relief brand to back us. If we did want to do any kind of sponsored anything, it should not be this. Everyone I’ve canvassed about it, professionals and potential givers thinks it stinks. Let’s not be the kind of group that thinks we have to run with the first idea we have as there aren’t any others. Come on folks, with no disrespect to the person whose off the cuff remark prompted this whole thing, sometimes the first ideas just aren’t workable. I think with a strong call to action and a good fundraising push we can make a lot more money if we put our heads together again.’

If they say no you’ll probably have to look to join another group…?

@DefiniteTortoise

'Dear volunteering group. The fundraising idea you have suggested suggests that being separated from your living child for a brief, finite period of time is somehow analogous to being separated from that child forever due to their death. As a bereaved parent I am appalled at quite how tone deaf this suggestion is, and implore you to consider other options for fundraising in this instance.'

I'm so sorry OP

The response above clearly explains it. I am shocked that they would consider the event you've mentioned, it's so clearly a terrible, tone deaf and insensitive idea. It would be different (although still a bit off) if it was for something like kangaroo care gowns for a neonatal unit..but this is about people loosing their children. Clearly he event should not be themed or have jazzy catch phrases this time. It should be something neutral like a half marathon/climb.

Echoing others it is an awful idea and the quote is just incredibly offensive. They should have some empathy and realise that given it upset you so much it might not be the best campaign idea.

Also, taking out the emotion, the actual fundraising idea is a shite one. After a long day at work my husband could easily go 24 hours without seeing the children if he missed bedtime. It sounds like an excuse for the mums to go and have a night in a hotel somewhere and I certainly wouldn’t be sponsoring. I would however donate for a simple: we’re raising money for a cuddle cot type campaign without any of the bollocks they’ve come up with.

You are not wrong. They have hides of hippopotamuses not to realise it is tacky in the extreme to advertise 'away from DC for 24 hours!' as a fundraiser for bereaved parents. It is beyond insensitive.

So sorry OP, you aren’t in the wrong here at all. Highly insensitive suggestion can’t believe others would be so ignorant and lacking in empathy to agree, have they lost their minds? You must have been so upset

I think the insensitivity has been well covered but who the hell is going to sponsor someone to have a day off!

Jeezus.. this is like some macabre 'fake it til you make it' deal..
Absolutely appalling idea.
Does anyone really think 24 hours away from your kids bears ANY resemblance to losing a child... this is truly sick !!

They need a kick uo the arse!

They could also shove their forgiveness up their backside as well.

How dare they suggest you need to be forgiven for reacting in a completely normal way!

I agree with Purbal, could you suggest the very opposite of this horrific idea. A family fun day with lots of activities friends and families can do together. That links with the the reason you are raising funds.

I think asking SANDS to write an email is a good idea.
And I would email too, saying 'It is unfortunate if my reaction made people uncomfortable' ie NOT apologising. You really really do not have to.
I am not a parent, bereaved or otherwise, but I can still see that this notion is, to put it mildly, in extremely poor taste.

OP.

That is a horrible, horrible and cruelly insensitive idea. I imagine the bereaved parents they are raising money for would be deeply upset if they find out how the money was raised.

Maybe show them this thread? I don’t know what to suggest, clearly you are dealing with complete idiots.

If they do go ahead with it I can’t imagine the event will raise much, I’d never agree to sponsor someone for that!! If the aim is to actually help those in need, then they should be looking to raise as much money as possible by doing an event that isn’t so, well, horrible.

Thanks for all your responses.

I've had a sleep on it and I think I'm just going to send this thread to the group chat and they can make up their own minds, I've also decided that I'm leaving the group, to be made to feel like my reaction was some sort of irrational outburst to be forgiven for is too much and I don't need that in my life.

The kids we all met through are between 10 and 12 so it's not like it's little kids (although I am a single parent and I do have younger kids too so the logistics would be pretty tough for me anyway).

I am hoping that the quiet members were like me and just in shock and that's why they didn't speak up, so so hopefully they will over the next few days.

I am going to email the people I know at SANDS and the maternity department with the suggestion they came up with and ask them to email the group directly.

I feel drained and I don't want to be the go between today trying to prove I am a rational person and prove this idea is just horrible.

Its a shame, we have done a lot of good and raised funds for a lot of causes, in this instance I'm just going to donate directly to the department itself and take absolutely nothing to do with this. Although I am hoping they see sense and go with a different fundraiser.

Thank you all again, I'll let you know if I get a response later on. Right now it's time to get ready for the bloody world book day 🙄

I am appalled that anyone thought this would be appropriate.

My best friend is a bereaved parent who used a cuddle cot. The idea that I'd look her in the eye and say I'm stepping away from my daughter for 24h 'to give her time with her dying baby' is beyond pale, I start shaking with rage and tears at the very thought.

I am so very sorry you had to witness that conversation and worse - support it got from this group. I very sincerely hope someone there will realize how much hurt they'd be inflicting to the very group they want to help. And if not - they deserve any backlash that will, no doubt, come from it.

God that’s such a terrible idea. I’l sure they’ll listen to SAND or the charity themsel Sorry you’re having to work so hard to make this point OP. Did noone suggest anything sane like a sponsored knitting drive for baby hats/clothes in very preemie - newborn sizes? Then the money raised + the clothes could go to the hospital and parents could choose clothing for their baby if they want something special and don’t already have something they’ve brought in themselves. Although I’d run that idea past SANDS or the hospital too in case there’s any potential insensitivity there that I haven’t thought of.

@MsChatterbox

I would say something like,

My reaction tonight was a true insight to the potential reaction of the people we are raising money for if they were to hear about this campaign. It is not appropriate. It is offensive and it should not go ahead. We need to continue to brainstorm different ideas.

First off - I'm so sorry for your loss and the losses so many women and families experience when they lose a child. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and grief that you have been through.

Secondly, don't apologise for how you reacted to the fundraising suggestion (and that is all it is at this moment, a suggestion that they can ignore and come up with a better one).

I would have to say something like "I couldn't sit quietly by and listen to this being taken as a serious suggestion as a possible fundraising idea. It's hurtful, it's inappropriate, and it shows a complete lack of understanding of what a grieving parent goes through when they lose a very sought after baby. I am not going to apologise for shouting or raising my voice because so many don't have a voice in things like this so I was so offended by the suggestion my emotions got the better of me. There has to be a better fundraising suggestion out there that we can all get behind and raise funds for this very worthwhile cause. I think it would be an opportune time to remove the theming of the fundraising from what we're fundraising for which would allow us greater scope to raise funds both now and in the future".

I am so sorry for your loss.

Utterly horrendous idea, so sorry you have had to deal with this. An equivalent would be to suggest raising money for Ukraine by going on a sponsored war games or paintballing experience. Completely insensitive and bordering on cruel.

What they are suggestioning is beyond offensive. I think you need to point out that they're risking permanently damaging their reputation as a fund raising group. Nobody will want to be associated with them if they go ahead with this.

Horrific idea for all the reasons others have posted. So sorry it’s upset you OP - you are absolutely right to try and put a stop to this!

we will give up our cuddles so you can have yours

Seriously?

Fuck's sake.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this op, and I'm sorry for the loss of your child.

That is an absolutely awful idea OP, what on earth were they thinking.

I hope some of them read this thread.

I just don't get people at times.

That’s crazy! Well done for speaking up, you obviously shouldn’t have had to but we’ll done!

You leaving the group will be a big loss for them.

It is a disgusting idea! I am with you, I just can't believe they would think this is okay.

And that they just dismiss the reaction of an actual bereaved parent and think ' oh well, you are just a bit too emotional.' INstead of it giving them a bit of insight and empathy ( which they clearly lack)

My jaw is on the ground too.