I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

I don't actually have the words... I just... it beggars belief that anyone thinks this is a good idea.. 'we'll give up our cuddles so you can have yours' are they fucking joking? They can't possibly be serious. That sentence has filled me with such anger, the glibness of it!

Having a child die is not the same as them going for a sleepover or a parent spending a night away, it's permanent, you don't get them back, they're just gone and that's IT.

As you say you are going to send this thread to the group, this is a message directly to them. Bereaved parents are real people. Our babies are real. We don't get to 'imagine' or spend time away from our children to try and experience what it's like to lose them, they are just gone. Forever. We have to live with that. And it's hard. Really hard. Please don't make it harder. Don't do this.

Where has the emotional intelligence of these other members gone?
They are probably stunned into silence. Shock makes me go silent and withdrawn. It's not that my EI is extremely low, just that I can't compute something so disordered and inappropriate. They may well make their feelings known before too long?

The whole concept is a totally utterly grotesque suggestion. How can those people not see that?! I hope someone makes them see sense and they drop the repugnant idea. They owe OP a huge grovelling apology.

@SallyWD

Oh go! Once you're there you'll relax and have a great time. I absolutely loved NYC, its a brilliant, fun place. Its only a long weekend, did you say? Everything will be fine. Your dog will be fine.

Sorry I commented on the wrong post!!

ANYONE can go a night without their child to cuddle

Exactly, it's just a night out for most people!

I would say you can see the idea is well intentioned, but is insensitive to have sponsored time away from your child to mimic the loss of a child. It makes a mockery of the actual pain and experience of parents who have lost a child.

Would they throw a bonfire party for people who've lost their homes in a fire? Would they do a sponsored bridge jump for suicide prevention? Similar veins imo of trying to tie it to the cause but getting it wrong.

@ChameFangeNail

Ghouls. They want to be sponsored for pretending their child is dead?

I’m so sorry you had to experience that OP.

Ghouls sums it up for me. I just can't even comprehend "we gave up our cuddles so you don't have to". And to then say they forgive you for your reaction! My Mum is a bereaved parent twice over. One in childhood and the other in adulthood, it actually scares me to think how she would have reacted to this.

@JuliaSways has it - it is as though David Brent has been asked to come up with a fundraising idea.

The awfulness of it is made even worse by the fact that they are genuinely going to ask people to sponsor them to - what - have a nice child free weekend away?

My god, OP, I'm astonished at the callousness of that suggestion .

for you, and all bereaved parents.

I dont understand about what you discussed.
But dont like they said they forgive you for being emotional? Understand re shouting but everyone is allowed to be emotional. Well, at least in theory.

I agree that "playing at being bereaved" for 24 hours is an awful, insensitive idea. They should apologise to you

So sorry OP. What a crass, thoughtless idea.

It looks like you've had lots of helpful suggestions on what to write back.
If I was writing to them I'd probably add in something like "In addition to being personally dismayed at the insensitivity towards bereaved parents over the concept of "imagine your child is dead for 24 hours" and thinking it doesn't represent the kind of environment we want here, I'm also concerned about how it would reflect on us if seen outside the organisation, particularly by those who have experienced the death of a child, and those whom we are seeking to support."

As well as the awfulness of the whole thing in itself, it's likely to be an unmitigated PR disaster from which the charity may struggle to recover. It would also lead some to seriously question the judgement of those in charge and potentially reflect badly on future fundraising endeavours.

I'm quite appalled that these things even need to be said and, again, I am so, so sorry OP.

Every good wish to you. x

What an insane idea. It is insensitive and offensive, and shows a complete lack of empathy for parents who have experienced bereavement. I'm not surprised you broke down when speaking to them. I am so sorry they treated you so shittily. They seem to be lacking in basic humanity to not realise the bloody obvious.

As well as the awfulness of the whole thing in itself, it's likely to be an unmitigated PR disaster from which the charity may struggle to recover. It would also lead some to seriously question the judgement of those in charge and potentially reflect badly on future fundraising endeavours.

Agree, it could end up in media and cause real damage to the fundraising group and the charity itself.

I can see they in the heat of the moment someone might suggest that, but for them to actually consider it a good idea, and then even hours later not see the issue with it - I'm in disbelief.

@Namechanged4obvreasons

I suppose the post is outing anyway if one of them is on here so I can be more specific. We are going to raise money for a cuddle cot for the maternity department so they actually said "we will give up our cuddles so you can have yours".

Even writing that makes me feel sick. I think I'm going to have to go all out to make them see it's a bad idea and leave. It doesn't help that I'm just a few days before the anniversary of my child's death.

I actually hope one of them is on here, I may even send it to the group, I see that bandied about on MN all the time and usually think it's a horrible idea, but on this case it may be a very good idea.

"we will give up our cuddles so you can have yours"

Jesus, that's worse than I thought.

Awful, in every sense. So sorry again.

@Chilver

There idea show a complete lack of empathy to anyone who has had a child die. If anyone on the receiving end of the result of the funding knew how the funding was raised, they would be appalled and it could negate some small comfort the equipment might have given.

I can’t even comprehend your feelings, I am so sorry ? I am sure someone more articulate will come allow and give a better non emotional response. YANBU thought!

I agree. Unbelievably crass and insensitive. What else would they attempt to replicate in order to raise funds ? I know that there have been televised “sleep out on the streets” situations to raise understanding of homelessness, that may be why they naively think this is a parallel ? If so itis staggeringly lacking in empathy or any understanding of the finality of losing a child. Homelessness and similar situations can be ended. Loss of a loved one is forever. I am shocked that anyone would think this appropriate, and the message to you OP - horrendous.

In fundraising regulations now (not commonly known) if a charity is aware that a group is fundraising for them there should be agreements between the group and the charity.

I work for a charity. If I worked for a relevant charity I would refuse to work with a group with this fundraising idea and I'd reject the gift.

There's very few occasions in which a charity can refuse donations (we have a responsibility to accept donations) but gifts which can bring the cause into disrepute are absolutely the sort of gift you can reject.

I believe that the phrase you quotes fits that bill. It is crass. Distasteful, emotionally cold and distant and demonstrates a complete lack of understanding and empathy.

Best thing to do is to speak to the intended recipient, so they have anyone with responsibility for fundraising? They should know their way around the Fundraising Best Practice Guidelines and they should already have a gift acceptance/gift refusal policy.

I work in the Women’s sector now. I'd always refuse donations from E.g onlyfans

“Give up our cuddles” what the actual fuck is this ? I felt sick reading that. Do these incredibly silly people really think that is comparable ?
I am so sorry OP. For the loss of your child and for the added pain from this appalling behaviour.

The idea is the height of crass insensitivity. The fact that so many of them thought it was a good idea either means they are all 'yes men', haven't thought it through even in the most cursory way or they are all just thick as hell.

YADNBU OP. Hell's teeth!

This is a fucking PR disaster.

Send them the thread! Give up our cuddles?? Fuck off! My children spend one night a week with their father. I don’t compare that to losing a child.

For once I’m actually in favour of a thread going in the paper. So these people can see how utterly despicable they are being.

@ItsDisneyBitch maybe thr daily fail will pick it up and the op will get an apology from the spokesperson for their patronising email

I can see what they're trying to do. Bit along the lines of shaving your head to raise money for cancer research. Trying to create empathy in people who just don't get it.

Like saying 'right, you've not seen your kid for 24 hours? Miss them? Now imagine how that parent feels knowing they will never see their child again. You can give them another hour with their child by donating to our fundraiser.'

So I can see what the train of thought was here and it probably would work but it is a horrific suggestion for someone who has been bereaved.

The suggestion should not have been made in front of you and personally I'd have dismissed it instantly as being far too close to home for some members. It also is probably harmful for the babies to be separated from their mothers for a day. It's just a badly thought out, shit idea.

I don't think its a case of pretending your child is dead though.

I think what they were aiming for is probably more along the lines of that campaign they did for disabled access where they got people to live a day of their lives in a wheelchair to make them realise exactly how frustrating and difficult it is for disabled people when the world is not set up for them and experience the challenges they face every day.

I've forwarded the thread on with paragraph explaining that I wrote this and I hope they will see reason and that, unfortunately, I won't be returning to the group.

I started trying to write emails to SANDS and the maternity department but I didn't actually know what to say, how can I even start to write a factual email about such an awful idea without insulting the group at all, they aren't bad people, and I don't want to impact the hard work they do, and I would love for the hospital to get a cuddle cot.

I might just see what the responses are when they read this and go from there, I'm hoping I won't have to involve anyone else and this will just be brushed aside as a bad idea without it being publicised.

Some people are just not very emotionally intelligent and critical thinking is severely lacking in a lot of people as well.

I think a segment if your group are emotionally unintelligent women who lack the critical thinking skills to work out why this is such a bad idea after being given information from you. They just dont have the ability to think about it.

Basically, some people are stupid. Anyone thinking that this is a good idea is just a deeply stupid person.

You're right to leave the group because if they go ahead with this, there will be blow back from the public. It is just so insensitive and makes a mockery of the people who would need use of that cot. Distance yourself from the group and if they go ahead with it, I would be quite public about the fact that I argued against this ridiculous farce and then left the group when ignored.

If they want to do a 24-hour sponsored event, why don't they do a 24-hour vigil for children who have died? They can stay awake for that whole time and not use any electronic devices to communicate with people.

It would not be analogous to the death of a child, but it would be more respectful and it would involve sacrifice on their part.

@Notanotherwindow

I can see what they're trying to do. Bit along the lines of shaving your head to raise money for cancer research. Trying to create empathy in people who just don't get it.

Like saying 'right, you've not seen your kid for 24 hours? Miss them? Now imagine how that parent feels knowing they will never see their child again. You can give them another hour with their child by donating to our fundraiser.'

So I can see what the train of thought was here and it probably would work but it is a horrific suggestion for someone who has been bereaved.

The suggestion should not have been made in front of you and personally I'd have dismissed it instantly as being far too close to home for some members. It also is probably harmful for the babies to be separated from their mothers for a day. It's just a badly thought out, shit idea.

I don't think its a case of pretending your child is dead though.

I think what they were aiming for is probably more along the lines of that campaign they did for disabled access where they got people to live a day of their lives in a wheelchair to make them realise exactly how frustrating and difficult it is for disabled people when the world is not set up for them and experience the challenges they face every day.

No. It is totally different from the disabled campaign. That was about actually seeing the practical impact of being disabled. You actually do have to go through all the frustrations they do for the day in relation to access and transport.

Shaving your head for cancer does fuck all to make you feel like you understand what it is like to have cancer. It is showboating and most people actually have a lot of fun with it. Stupid. Just like this disgusting idea of giving up cuddles for a day to pretend they know what a bereaved parent is feeling. Just fucking stupid.