I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

[Namechanged4obvreasons]

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

@Namechanged4obvreasons

It is a terrible idea as so many have said and you are right and courageous to point this out. In my experience of groups and committees, group agreement is “nodding dog syndrome”, where personal motivations and dynamics take over from common sense.

I’ve qualified in fundraising I’d like to suggest quoting back the UK code of ethics in fundraising to them. You could start with “ The way charitable institutions and third-party fundraisers ask for support affects people’s trust and confidence in fundraising.

This section sets out the behaviour we expect from all fundraisers. It includes treating people fairly and with respect, explaining your cause in a way which does not mislead people, and being sensitive to people who may be in vulnerable circumstances”. Link below. Hope this helps.

www.fundraisingregulator.org.uk/code/all-fundraising

What about a suitably PA reply that suggests as it's such an emotive issue for you they should contact a bereavement charity, or even the hospital and run the idea by them? I'm sure (i hope) the reaction they get would make them see how inappropriate the idea is.

It’s crass and insensitive in the extreme. Running the idea by a bereavement charity is a great way for organisers to get more perspective. Don’t feel bad, you spoke out against groupthink.

Yanbu, its one thing for someone to be insensitive and think it's a good idea, another to not listen to reasonable and fair concerns. I agree with others that as well as being ridiculously insensitive who on earth will sponsor?!

As someone who has had to shave their head due to chemo, I cannot stand it when well meaning people shave their heads to raise money. Unless you actually are doing it to support your child, you have no idea at all how it feels to do this and how patronising it is.
I can’t imagine that those families going through bereavement would enjoy seeing other families pretending to understand what they are going through. It trivialises the whole situation and actually makes a mockery of what they are going through.
Well done for standing up to them and as you’ve been through similar, I am sorry.

Insensitive x 10000 and with bells on. How are these people even allowed to make decisions!?

What a bizarre idea. I would have to think about leaving that particular group if quite a few of them actually believe that to be acceptable and a good idea what kind of people are they?!

Oh OP, I'm so sorry this has happened in front of you.

It is actually one of the most horrifically insensitive things I've ever read. That quote is incredible (and not in a good way). They absolutely can't go ahead with this, regardless of whether you feel you can continue in the group. It's just too awful for words. How can anyone have thought it was a good idea? I would consider sending the group this thread to show the strength of feeling against it, particularly if you don't carry on going.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Yes it is in bad taste, can you not just say that? Perhaps come up with an alternative idea.

That is horrendous and so badly misses the mark. Stay somewhere else for 24hours, possibly a hotel, and then you too know what it's like to lose a child?! If it goes ahead and is picked up by the media- the backlash surely would be mighty- or at least should be. Very, very tactless.

I would happily give money for something as vital as this but no way would I sponsor someone to be away from their child for a day as if they were trying to replicate a horror too many people live for real. This is a fight worth having. This is unforgivable if they go ahead.

I am so sorry for your loss .

It's a suggestion which manages to be the ultimate in crap and crass all at the same time.

Sponsoring a cuddle doesn't sit right with me.

They sound like a bunch of self absorbed idiots.

I think they need to be reminded that this is about the people they are raising money for and not themselves

What a horrific idea. Anyone can see that. And a massively disrespectful insult to bereaved parents.

Why are they just doing a sponsored marathon walk or something like most people would

Dreadful idea. Have none of them thought about how upset their child might be at being separated from their parent? If they, unbelievably, can't see your point of view, maybe they'll think about the impact of turning their back on their own child?

I feel like this about 'brave the shave'

But it doesn't stop people adopting it as a good idea, and telling me it's wrong to object because it raises money.

The vulnerable tend to get lip service rather than actual support, as so many of us already know.

OP: there is nothing you can write, no magic phrases that will change this. Write what you like, then tear it up. And decide in a week or so if you will stay in this group after the project is concluded.

This is absolutely disgusting. I am so sorry OP that you are having to go through this.

I am also a bereaved parent who was (unknowingly at the time) extremely grateful of the use of a cuddle cot when my baby was stillborn at full term.

My jaw dropped when I read the quote you gave above that they had said 'we'll give up our cuddles so you can have yours'. The slight difference being that rather than 'giving up' cuddles for 24 hours, the cuddle cot enabled us to have them for a grand total of 40. Then we had to say goodbye to our baby and leave them in said cot, with the knowledge we would never hold them again. One of the most traumatic life events a person can experience.

It disgusts me that people see fit to essentially trivialise it while not listening to someone who could sadly have helped them try to understand. I really hope they reconsider.

Ghouls. They want to be sponsored for pretending their child is dead?

I’m so sorry you had to experience that OP.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Ridiculous idea for fundraising. Why would anyone donate to that? I think they’d struggle to get people to put their hand in their pocket to donate towards that.

I don’t think I phrased my response well… hopefully you get the gist.

What the actual fuck. Who would listen to this idea and think ‘Yep, that is totally appropriate’ and then dismiss the (totally appropriate and understandable) reaction of the one person in the group who would have been the recipient of the thing you’re fundraising for?!

I think alerting the hospital would be a good idea as they may not want to be associated with this ridiculousness. Then walk away from the group. They have shown their true colours, not so much with the initial idea as we can all have a brain fart. But with their determination to push it through regardless of the fact that it has already really upset someone. ‘We’ll give up our cuddles so you can have yours’ - holy shit, that’s just appalling.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

Surely they realise that your reaction is going to be the same as the very people they are fundraising for?

Idiots!

That is a dreadful idea, I am amazed that one person even suggested it, let alone others agreed with it.

I am so sorry for your loss OP

I think lots of parents would consider 24 hours away from children as a happy holiday, presumably they'd be shipped off to grandparents or something, so it does seem bizarre. However, I think it's also unreasonable to have a fundraiser where you have to try to replicate an iota of th sadness and horror of a bereaved parent. So just a normal fundraising idea surely, like a cake sale or whatever would be most appropriate