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Original poster

I cant believe they think this is a good idea. Please help me write a reply. [Content warning: bereavement]

401 replies

Namechanged4obvreasons · 02/03/2022 22:06

Namechanged as this will be very identifiable if someone I know sees this.

I am part of a local fundraising group, we get requests from various charities nearby and we do all sorts of things from sponsored events to organising concerts to black tie events. We raise a fair bit and its all good.

There's around 20 of us in this group.

We have had a request in from the hospital for a piece of equipment that basically gives bereaved parents a bit more time with their child after their child dies at the hospital.

When discussing this tonight someone came up with the idea of being sponsored to be away from our kids for 24 hours. We usually try to tie the events in to the thing we raise funds for.

My jaw hit the floor and then others started agreeing. After about 10 minutes of discussion with most of the group either saying what a great idea it was or being totally silent, I finally got out of my state of shock to say what a horrible idea it was, really fucking horrible. I said that I am also a bereaved parent and that somehow trying to 'replicate' that feeling for 24 hours to raise money for this equipment was fucking horrific.

It wasn't my finest hour, I started crying as soon as I started talking and was probably louder/possibly shouting by this point.

The whole room fell silent and there were mutters of discussing at another time and going to have a think.

I've just had a message from the spokesperson of the group to say that they understood it was close to home and that I was upset and they forgive me for shouting and being emotional (it was written in a very fluffy way but that's the jist) and if I feel I can't do this event they understand.

I really need to write something back outlining why this is a shitty idea but everything I try I end up going on a tangent and not nailing down the actual points.

Firstly I'm not wrong am I? This is a horrible idea. Secondly can anyone help me with a non emotional message back detailing why this is just so bloody awful.

I honestly can't even believe one person thinks this is a good idea let alone probably about 10+ people.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 03/03/2022 10:25

Wow.
That is in incredibly poor taste to say the least.

Hertsgirl10 · 03/03/2022 10:26

So disrespectful and tone deaf and then to tell YOU a person who is the only one that can relate to the other parents who will be just as mortified about this, that they forgive YOU.

And why can’t you reply in an emotional way?
There’s no other way to respond to this at all.
Your experience is the only way they will know it’s a bad idea.

They need to seriously not do this, you’re one parent that reacted like this, imagine how bad this is going to reflect on them when others find out?

This is disgusting I’m so sorry that they’ve done this to you (Their reaction) and you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Angiemum24 · 03/03/2022 10:29

So wrong. You did the right thing standing up and telling them.

Hertsgirl10 · 03/03/2022 10:29

And regardless of anything else here even if they wasn’t doing it for the reason that they are, spending 24 hours away from your children is just a break, I mean is absolutely so selfish and appalling that this has even been considered, I honest can’t believe this.

BoodleBug51 · 03/03/2022 10:31

I'm a bereaved parent OP and a cold cot wasn't around when I lost my darling boy. However if offered one, I'd have really big issues around how it was fundraised for........... I honestly have no words.

And as a bereaved mother I'm also offended by the need to add a trigger warning to this thread.

CoconutAmericano · 03/03/2022 10:31

I really really hope they read each and every post here and reconsider. 😔

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 03/03/2022 10:35

@BoodleBug51

I'm a bereaved parent OP and a cold cot wasn't around when I lost my darling boy. However if offered one, I'd have really big issues around how it was fundraised for........... I honestly have no words.

And as a bereaved mother I'm also offended by the need to add a trigger warning to this thread.

All threads about bereavement have a trigger warning. I know when I had just gone through one, I didnt open any of those threads. I couldnt handle reading about someone else's bereavement whilst mourning my own and the trigger earnings are useful.
Georgyporky · 03/03/2022 10:37

Print these responses & send to all the stupid, inconsiderate people who think this is a good idea.

appleturnovers · 03/03/2022 10:38

@CaptSkippy

If they want to do a 24-hour sponsored event, why don't they do a 24-hour vigil for children who have died? They can stay awake for that whole time and not use any electronic devices to communicate with people.

It would not be analogous to the death of a child, but it would be more respectful and it would involve sacrifice on their part.

That's a good idea, and far more respectful. If they do read this thread I hope they pick up on this one. It's lovely for them to be raising money for such equipment, but it would be so much better to do it in a way that doesn't cause hurt for bereaved parents.
zeldaonadreamcloud · 03/03/2022 10:44

Just read that bit about ' we are going without cuddles so that you can have yours'

By God, do they not see all that will make the bereaved parent picture those people greeting their children with big cuddles and love and smiles after the 24 hours when they, the bereaved, will never be able to do that.

The distress it will cause!

I am at a loss at the utter insensitivity of this idea. Its not just insensitive. Its actual quite cruel.

Sally872 · 03/03/2022 10:45

Even if it was for something unconnected to losing a child most people wouldn't even miss their child for 24 hours. I mean a little but not a lot. If I was asked to sponsor a mum having a break i would do it if I supported the cause but would be thinking to myself "I'd love 24 hours off who are this lot thinking its a hardship to leave their 10 year old for 24 hours. Stealth boast or very clingy."

Also if it was my dh leaving me with the childcare as a well earned night off with friends I would be happy to do that for him. If he tried to claim it was charity work and be a martyr about it I would burst out laughing.

Many reasons this is stupid but of course the most important one is it is very offensive to those it is meant to support.

EuphoriaHigh · 03/03/2022 10:47

That is truly disgusting. I have no words. Horrific that they “forgive” you for your outburst too. They should have taken that as the harm that this fundraiser might do to other bereaved parents.

HeadingForHome · 03/03/2022 10:49

That's horrible. Absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry for your loss OP x

GlitterBiscuits · 03/03/2022 10:52

It's an appalling idea.
Well don't for standing up to this.
It might be well intentioned but it's crass.

reesewithoutaspoon · 03/03/2022 10:52

Seriously, seriously insensitive. Do a 24 hour knit/crochet/craftathon and make little blankets/sheets for the cuddle cots. at least that will be useful.
Can't believe they cant see how tasteless, tone-deaf and just appallingly bad their idea is. I,m not even a bereaved parent but I've worked with enough to know that this would be like a punch in the gut, its basically says "Hey lets play at being a bereaved parent for 24 hours" . Can they not see that the potential social media backlash from this could destroy their charity work and future reputation.

KissedintheDark · 03/03/2022 10:54

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you're going through, op. Flowers

Can I gently suggest you reconsider giving up your place in the group. You've proved by your sensitive postings here that you're a very important part of the group dynamic and can be an important brake and mediator on the more headstrong and a support of the less confident participants.
I think you'd be a bigger loss to charity than you realise.

Perhaps take time out and let the emotional washing machine you've been thrown in atm settle down again before you make a final decision?

BirdOnTheWire · 03/03/2022 10:56

This is like shaving your head to raise funds for cancer only much worse.
As a former cancer sufferer I loathe it but no-one ever listens.

I hope they see sense.

mam0918 · 03/03/2022 10:59

I'm confused... how is that fundraising?

I have been away from my kids for 24 hours before (that's 1 night and the half-day before and after, it's basically a night of them staying at grandparents) it's called a break and it's normal and healthy to have them once in a while not something you get sponsored for.

I also agree it's completely insensitive, when I lost my baby I was numb and empty and sat in the hospital for hours just looking at him. There's no feeling like it's NOTHING like a night away from your healthy kids which is a 'relaxing' thing.

A charity I know (who helped me during my loss) does a 'make a tiny teddy' challenge then the teddies are taken to hospitals or given to the parents of lost children... a sponsored teddy making could be a better idea.

StartupRepair · 03/03/2022 11:03

I think this is one of the worst ideas I have ever seen. I'm so sorry you had to hear this cruel nonsense.

FantasticFebruary · 03/03/2022 11:04

@Namechanged4obvreasons

(((HUG))) I'm very sorry for the loss of your child.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this at anytime, but especially just before the 'anniversary' of losing your child.

As if the idea wasn't bad enough & the meeting wasn't dreadful enough... sending you a message to say (essentially) that they forgive you for your emotional outburst is beyond a fucking joke, who does that twat think they are???

we will give up our cuddles so you can have yours

I could NOT spend any time in the company of people who think that is an appropriate thing to say.

As for 24 hours away from your child/children to fundraiser for cuddle cots... they're out of their tiny minds. For the stupidity of the idea & the crassness of the idea. Let alone it being a damp squib as far as fundraising would go.

I think your comment of 'Insensitive Cunts' sums it up nicely (& I usually hate that word).

Can you send this thread to everyone in the group do they all get to read it & the 'leader' doesn't get to just say that you've resigned? (Poor hysterical woman that you are).

Sadly, for them & you, I agree that leaving the group is your only option. I'd have to, I couldn't look at them the same way again!!

(((Hugs))) for the other bereaved parents on the thread too, if they don't listen to you, they're beyond help frankly.

I am absolutely furious at the way they treat you 🌷 & utterly mind blown that a bunch of adults think this idea is a good one.

Take care of yourself, my thoughts are with you x

TheReddestJohansson · 03/03/2022 11:15

If I saw this advertised as a fundraiser I would immediately assume it was an appalling labelled attempt for a few mums to get 24 hours of under the guise of 'charidee'.

My mind is blown by the sheer insensitivity.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that OP. Them 'forgiving' you shows the type of people they are. Urgh.

DeadButDelicious · 03/03/2022 11:16

Do a 24 hour knit/crochet/craftathon and make little blankets/sheets for the cuddle cots. at least that will be useful.

That is a really good idea. When we lost our daughter we were given some little knitted keepsakes, a candle, charms etc in a little bag. I keep the little knitted blanket she was wrapped in with her ashes. Getting people to sponsor local crafters to make and donate items for memory boxes to raise funds for the cuddle cot would be much more beneficial than 24 hours away from the kids.

Bajezzeuz · 03/03/2022 11:31

we will give up our cuddles so you can have yours

What a fucking awful thing to say. My baby died 2 hours after he was born and if I'd of received that message in any sort of way id be absolutely fucking furious. I'm furious just reading it.

Not seeing your child WILLINGLY for 24 hours is not the same as never being able to see your baby again, never holding them again, never knowing who they were going to be

Im so sorry for your loss OP and I'm sorry you've been around people lacking common fucking sense

MrsXx4 · 03/03/2022 11:31

I’m a bereaved parent too and this is honestly so horrific and insulting!!! What are they thinking! I would have reacted the same if not worse than you as I’m sitting here so angry just thinking about it!! Disgraceful!

Bajezzeuz · 03/03/2022 11:32

Can you send this thread to everyone in the group do they all get to read it & the 'leader' doesn't get to just say that you've resigned?

I think this is a good idea. Show them how absolutely thoughtless their being.