My mum makes fun of how I was as a child, and I find it so hurtful. 🤔

[Wisteriabloom]

For context, I was a shy child, and also struggled with sport and practical things. (I think I'm dyspraxic, as practical things still don't always come easy - I do get there though)! I'm also a fairly quiet person, more outgoing than I used to be though, and have plenty of friends & a happy marriage.

If we're at a family get-together (or just with dh & our kids), Mum will sometimes start the following -

All the other kids in the village would run into school with their friends, except Wisteria of course, she'd be the one hanging back, looking anxious!

I still have images of her at Sports Day - always last in the race!

I still remember sending Wisteria & her sister to the kids' art group (my sister was much more confident than me) - she'd come out with beautifully crafted Xmas decorations, Wisteria's looked nothing like the rest of the group, she's just NOT artistic!

I'm so glad the kids' auntie took them on the canal boat - if it had been Wisteria they'd have gone overboard, she never did have a sense of balance!

I hate being made fun of, and I often felt anxious as a child (Mum has since said one of my teachers was convinced I was just stubborn - and WOULDN'T do these things rather than COULDN'T). This couldn't be further from the truth - I remember as a 10 year old having sleepless nights, with sheer worry about the following day's PE or Art lesson. 🤔 I couldn't always understand what I was supposed to do, was made fun of (by other kids & the teacher) if I struggled and so wanted to please people. I'm too much of a 'people pleaser' as an adult, I couldn't be stubborn if I tried!

Ironically, I work now with special needs children, and am valued in my field. I may not be technically 'artistic', but am talented musically and play piano for sone of the children (as their therapy).

In a nutshell, I have a happy life and feel I've done well, and hate my mum reducing me to that anxious child, in front of people. One of my children is on the Spectrum, and I could NEVER imagine making fun of her for things she can't do, I'm proud of the things she CAN do, and the lovely child she is. I can't fathom why it makes my mum feel good to hurt me. 🙁 If I challenge her she laughs and says I'm 'over-sensitive'. Dh doesn't feel comfortable with how she sometimes treats me either. I'm 50 FGS, it's just so unnecessary! School was v different back in the 80's I realise, it was 'one way of teaching was expected to fit all'. I was fine academically, but Mum doesn't focus on my successes, I wonder why? 🤔

Because or her lack of understanding. You should call her out on it every time she does it.

You are clearly a valuable person with lots of skills I'm so sorry that she can't see that.

I'd start telling stories straight back about her if she starts again in front of people.

''Do you remember mum, that time when you were a right cunt and you did such and such..''

She found a way to deal with her concern that her dd struggles- laughing it off.

Have a think about what she says and the way you have challenged it before. Did you frame it as 'Don't be mean'? 'Why do you always remember what I found hard?'? Do you criticise her? As her problem, or as your problem?

Try reframing it
as her problem 'gosh imagine being so worried about what other people think that you'd say that'
or as your problem 'Of course I'd be diagnosed with dyspraxia these days. It's a shame no one knew how to help me back then'.

The why doesn't really matter. The fact she does is the issue. It's nasty and unkind. So tell her next time, or get your DH to - "Mum that's boring, nasty and unkind - stop it". If she comes back with the "You're over sensitive" comment, come back with "I don't like you mocking me - you've been doing it for 50 years, now stop it, it's boring, nasty and unkind". Practice saying it out loud and firm.

Alternatively when she starts up, you can roll the eyes, say in a bored voice "oh no not these anecdotes again . I'm off to talk to Aunty Gladys about her petunias" and leave her too it.

I understand you'll need a certain amount of Hutzpah for either of these suggestions and maybe that's not your style, but clearly your current method isn't working so you'll need to change your approach if you want it to change.

'Good lord mum, what will we talk about when you've run out of ways to mock my childhood difficulties'

Well, she might be lacking in knowledge, lacking in empathy and/or lacking in understanding. But she's definitely a cunt.

Bear that in mind.

As your non-mother, I think you are great, I know that childhood was hard for you, and I am proud of the woman you have become.

And, I know that women on Twitter say the same for my adult dd!

I'd give her the Paddington stare and say, 'I blame the parents.'

Ask her what she did to help?

I too was the less admirable child and my family all used to enjoy remembering how substandard I was. It patently obvious that I am neither stupid lazy nor incompetent now, as I imagine it is with you. How it irritates them all.

My parents do this to me. There was a point in my school career which went very badly. They often remind me of it now. I think I said something last time along the lines of, do we really need to keep bringing this up?! They haven't said anything since. But there's still time! Big hugs to you x

My mum used to do this to me - and my mum absolutely loves me. Sadly it reflected the way she was brought up and stuff that had been said to her.

I have 95% stopped it and the 5% I can let go but it took a determined campaign of challenging everything, right down to being prepared to walk out.

Have a list of ready comebacks: 'You're so sensitive' - 'Yes, and you've known this for 50 years and you can't stop bullying your own daughter'

Get your DH on side as well to call her out given that he doesn't like her behaviour either. She may respond better to a man sad but true plus in her eyes you may still be about 10 years old and not 50.

Definitely respond either doing it back to her or with a “Well, you raised me”

My mum has form for doing this from time to time and this shuts her down.

That sounds so awful for you. I think the best option is probably just to totally ignore as if she hadn't even said anything - turn away and busy yourself with something else or start a conversation as if she literally hadn't even said anything. She must be getting some sort of weird kick out of getting a reaction so just totally grey rock her and starve the oxygen out of it. Maybe combine that with seeing her a bit less if possible.

What do your sister or other family members do/say when she says these things?

My Mum is a bit like this too “oh you were so funny” blah blah

Really ironic as she also moans about her Mum laughing at her whenever she was on the stage -

My DM has a thing about how chunky and muscly my legs are, and was always going on about it, and still does now. I got such a complex about my legs in my 20s that I lost an awful lot of weight and was really too skinny (and my legs were still muscly). It's not said in a nasty way but repeated comments like this from childhood can have an adverse impact.

I have got muscly legs and I'm confident about them now but you'd think they were the biggest legs in the world the way my DM goes on about them (still). They fit into normal sized trousers and boots.

That is really sad. My mum had a spiky sense of humour like this, but it was more making fun of my over confidence than being shy and less confident. So maybe she felt she could get away with it more.

I cannot imagine making fun of a shy child for being shy or for bringing it up again years later when they've overcome their anxieties and become a well respected professional. Makes me wonder why she wants to reduce you to a shy child. Maybe she prefers it that way, which is a horrible thought.

Also, as a pp said, ask her how she helped you.

I feel for you so much. My relationship with my mother is fairly similar to yours. If you're a people pleaser like me then I'm guessing suggestions of comebacks to use may not help that much (they don't help me, I can almost get the words out in the moment and if I ever do then my mum gets upset and punishes me emotionally). I try to keep my mum at arm's length and not see her too often. When she says nasty things I usually don't bother replying and change the subject. I know deep down she's not trying to upset me, I'm my case she usually says things because she feels threatened that I'm not parenting my child the way she parented me.

Lots of good suggestions here.

You could also try interrupting her with, 'Mum, I really don't know why you tell these stories when they make you look so bad. Aren't you ashamed of never being on my side? I would do anything to support my children, not undermine them.'

It's a testament to your own resilience and character that you grew into the strong, empathetic woman you are today OP. Be proud.

My mum starts every story about me with 'she was very clever but she could never do jigsaws' it's so irritating as it's true, I was very good at most things but what is remembered us what I struggled with

Relpy ' thankfully my children don't seem to have the same difficulties Mum, but then I put that down to my parenting'

"Hey kids, Grandma is on about Mummy being a clumsy kid again. Isnt it funny how she keeps forgetting what she has already told us?!"

Ok so that is mean but frankly she doesnt care about upsetting you so.....

OP,

Your mother is awful.

Really unkind.

That you have someone so unkind around your children is sad.

I would suggest that the next time she mentions you and your childhood, you say in a clear voice.

"You are right mum, I had a really miserable childhood growing up, I was so unhappy all those years living at home".

Let it hang there.

She is making statements about your childhood, you can do that too.

Every time she mentions you as a child, immediately come back with how miserable your childhood was.

She sounds awful, and dim.
But even someone as dense as your mother may not like hearing that.

My friend was the butt of the jokes at family gatherings and she brought her now husband home for the first time after they had been together at least 2 years.

At the table she was being teased again and gritting her teeth.
Her boyfriend was asked his opinion by her mother of all the stories he was now hearing and he said straight out "I can understand why she doesn't come home often"! There was a stunned, awkward, uncomfortable silence.

There wasn't so much as a peep out of any of them and if anyone started one BOTH her parents stepped in.

Her parents were very embarrassed.

She is married as long as I am and she always tells that story as when she really knew he was the man for her.

What a pity your husband hasn't made his discomfort known to your mother.

You sound like a lovely woman.

My mum used to do that.
I told her that time has moved on and I didn’t really appreciate to always have stories of me being ‘stubborn’ to be brought back again and again.

In your case, I’d remind her that how you were then isnt how you are now and maybe everyone can move on?

Fwiw I don’t think my mum did it to put me down. For her, it’s only stories on how I was. I don’t think she realised it made me uncomfortable

Stand up for yourself.

Don't let her get away with saying you're being over sensitive. It's not on. Tell her you are dead serious and that her critical personality had a terrible effect on your childhood. If she continues, I would go low contact. If she asks why simply explain that it's no fun being around someone who constantly puts you down.

I'm very petty so, knowing full well how much words can hurt, the next time she tells one of her candid tales of your supposed short comings and laugh saying something like "yes, you were constantly disappointed in me weren't you. I spent so much of my childhood wishing I had a different mother. . .it's a miracle I've grown up to be a successful and happy adult despite the childhood I had"

Maybe train her like a dog.

Every time she makes a stupid, belittling remark, walk away.

That's what you do when a dog exhibits undesirable behaviour.