My mum makes fun of how I was as a child, and I find it so hurtful. 🤔

[Wisteriabloom]

For context, I was a shy child, and also struggled with sport and practical things. (I think I'm dyspraxic, as practical things still don't always come easy - I do get there though)! I'm also a fairly quiet person, more outgoing than I used to be though, and have plenty of friends & a happy marriage.

If we're at a family get-together (or just with dh & our kids), Mum will sometimes start the following -

All the other kids in the village would run into school with their friends, except Wisteria of course, she'd be the one hanging back, looking anxious!

I still have images of her at Sports Day - always last in the race!

I still remember sending Wisteria & her sister to the kids' art group (my sister was much more confident than me) - she'd come out with beautifully crafted Xmas decorations, Wisteria's looked nothing like the rest of the group, she's just NOT artistic!

I'm so glad the kids' auntie took them on the canal boat - if it had been Wisteria they'd have gone overboard, she never did have a sense of balance!

I hate being made fun of, and I often felt anxious as a child (Mum has since said one of my teachers was convinced I was just stubborn - and WOULDN'T do these things rather than COULDN'T). This couldn't be further from the truth - I remember as a 10 year old having sleepless nights, with sheer worry about the following day's PE or Art lesson. 🤔 I couldn't always understand what I was supposed to do, was made fun of (by other kids & the teacher) if I struggled and so wanted to please people. I'm too much of a 'people pleaser' as an adult, I couldn't be stubborn if I tried!

Ironically, I work now with special needs children, and am valued in my field. I may not be technically 'artistic', but am talented musically and play piano for sone of the children (as their therapy).

In a nutshell, I have a happy life and feel I've done well, and hate my mum reducing me to that anxious child, in front of people. One of my children is on the Spectrum, and I could NEVER imagine making fun of her for things she can't do, I'm proud of the things she CAN do, and the lovely child she is. I can't fathom why it makes my mum feel good to hurt me. 🙁 If I challenge her she laughs and says I'm 'over-sensitive'. Dh doesn't feel comfortable with how she sometimes treats me either. I'm 50 FGS, it's just so unnecessary! School was v different back in the 80's I realise, it was 'one way of teaching was expected to fit all'. I was fine academically, but Mum doesn't focus on my successes, I wonder why? 🤔

Oh lordy are we related?
I have just gone into therapy 18 years after my mother died.
She was a piss taker and hurtful.
My sister decided to take up the battern. I called her out at Christmas and it felt fecking marvellous.
Tell her to stop now.
Otherwise she'll get the £999 send off and you will buy handbags with the rest!

I’m so sorry OP. I know how you feel. It’s so incredibly unkind, I just don’t understand how anyone wants to hurt their children this way. You have to explain your feelings to her in no uncertain terms. “Mum, yoI are talking about me in such an unkind way that it makes me deeply hurt and uncomfortable. I wonder why?”

op -im 49/only recently-the NOW seems obvious - diagnosed.
My mum- absolutely rejected this. initially. Now she admits,it explains alot.esp what she put down to purposely defiant/attention seeking behaviour.
I now realise that might be because she might struggle then to justify the way she "dealt"with me. Theres no avoiding,it was at times quite cruel,
both my sisters-were totally surprised -that i genuinely didnt know-presumed diagnosis years ago.
tell her over sensitive is a comorbid....
Perhaps,quietly inform her that you find it hurtful, as daft as it sounds-she maybe just hasnt realised that. Include instruction not to continue to mock\tease you. If and every time she does-Call her out,yell,"owch" and demand she counters it with a positive about you.
if all else fails,iv amused my self with made-up-on-spot blame.direct descends from mother..bla bla bla..

@MrsPsmalls

Okay she sounds very insensitive and you have had lots of useful advice here. But you do say you hate being made fun of as if that is just how it is for you. It isn't. Work on that. Baring in mind that the only thing you can really change is you not others, changing how you feel about being made fun of is going to be your quickest win. Lots of people don't hate being made fun of. Resilient people don't care about it at all.

What a load of absolute shite.

I'm about as resilient as they come but I detest people repeatedly making fun of me. I can laugh at myself if I've done something daft but what the OP describes is insidious and bullying and she should not have to change herself to tolerate it. She has every right to demand that it stops, without being told she's oversensitive or lacking a sense of humour or whatever other bullshit bullies use when people call out their behaviour.

My Mother used to to this. It was a thing in my family growing up that I would be ridiculed for normal childish behaviour. I was the youngest and how I was supposed to know what adults and older siblings knew I don't know. After my Father died my Mother came to stay with me more often and she would start this ridiculing again. One time I stopped her and pointed out I was a small child at the time and was it really so odd that I said/did something stupid, and was it not unkind to ridicule me then and now for it? Fortunately, that message seemed to go home and it hasn't been a problem since. My Mother is also ones of these mothers who seems to have trouble seeing me as a separate person from herself, and she has low self-esteem. Maybe there is a connection there for mothers who do this?

I’m so sorry she does this, it’s bullying and to do with her own feelings of inadequacy. If you can, find a way to call her out. It doesn’t need to be angry(I’m sure it wouldn’t anyway) but you have a right to call her out and assert your boundaries. Perhaps have a word in private first- then call her out every time she does it afterwards. If she tries to brush it off as a joke firmly say ‘it’s not relevant to me if you think it’s a joke or not, it’s unkind and I’d like it to stop.’

Does your dad stand up for you when she says these things @Wisteriabloom ?

Respond by saying 'you were always a terrible mother, and you haven't changed!' Make sure you always bring up her insensitivity in social contexts, and don't stop criticising her.

@mam0918

I HIGHLY doubt you're dyspraxic from what you have described. I'm Dyspraxic as is my child and non of what you said is familiar or symptomatic.

The main stand-out bit about your post is the fact Dyspraxic people cant play piano (it is actually HOW I was diagnosed and referred and it's one of the things they test) and even with years of intensive occupational therapy, a family of musicians and music lessons I still can't play.

I am sure I am mildly dyspraxic and I am a piano and violin teacher. I am extremely mixed handed, using my left hand for some tasks and my right hand for others. This is actually very useful for musical instruments. My daughter has a diagnosis of dyspraxia and is an extremely good pianist and flautist. As a small child l could read and spell anything but my writing was a long way behind mainly, I think, because I was so undecided about which hand to use. I took a long time to pass my driving test and still dislike using scissors. OP, I was wondering if there was any possibility of ASD/dyspraxia with your mum as she seems so inept at social cues and also if she had similar problems as a child to you.

This is really interesting for me to read, because I too was a shy, dyspraxic, extremely anxious child. I didn't discover I was dyspraxic until I was in my 30s, so when I was a child I was just considered clumsy and disorganised. A lot of what you're saying about your horror of PE lessons and so on absolutely chimes with my own experience, so I sympathise tremendously. The only difference between my experience of childhood and yours is that you're good at music but not at arty things, whereas I was averagely OK at the arty stuff but absolutely shockingly bad at anything even remotely musical.

Is your mum being deliberately critical or nasty, or does she (wrongly) think she's just reminiscing affectionately? My mum also often jokes about what I was like as a child, but I feel like it's done with affection and sympathy, if you get what I mean. She will totally chuckle at her memories of me being a complete shambles, but she says it with fondness and love, and it never feels like she's criticising me somehow - it feels more like her just thinking about her children's differences and quirks, rather than highlighting faults. And she does also talk about the things we were good at,

I do completely get why you're bothered by what your mum says, and it's rotten that she says you're being over-sensitive, but I think I would be inclined to be very direct about exactly how it feels to you and ask her why she never mentions your many achievements. I would be inclined to say 'Mum, I know you think I'm over-sensitive, but as you know this upsets me - why do you have to keep bringing it up? I'd really like to know why you want to keep mentioning it. I know all mums like to reminisce about their kids, but it would make me feel a lot better if you could reminisce about some of the things I was really good at. Weren't you proud of me for my academic achievements, and my musical talent? What are your memories of those things?' Or maybe you could even frame it in relation to your daughter - how is your mum with her? Maybe say something like 'Mum, I know you don't mean to be horrible, but you know there are some things DD finds a bit difficult, and I don't want her to constantly hear you talking disparagingly or jokily about kids who find some things hard. You wouldn't want anyone to talk about her like that, would you? It's upsetting for her to think that you might judge her in the way you're judging me.'

It might also help if your DH said something - if he also thinks it's unpleasant, then your mum can't really dismiss it as you being too sensitive.

I have this with each of my parents (divorced) but it's taken me so long to see how horrible they were. I used to know it was "wrong" but still believe all their criticisms. I am going for my second lot of counselling when my slot comes up....

I am both sorry you are experiencing this and grateful you started this thread. Everytime I read threads like this it adds another bit of "armour" to my self-protection adn affirmation it is "them" not us.

I still dont' quite know how to respond now. My mum isn't mentally brilliantly well so I have a "but she can't help it" thing in my head while still wanting to call it out. And my dad I dont challenge - but I don't really register oin his radar unless he's suddenly jealous of something I have done for my mum - he is a magistrate/well respected/ brilliant to his wifes children/friends so people don't see how crap he is to me, and any time I raise anything its framed as "Daisy is spikey/touchey/ " but not directly to me so I can challenge it but to my mum if he speaks to her - and they agree not to get involved or ask how I am and pat each other on the back.... arggg. I'm in my 40s and it seems to hurt more than ever as my kids grow up - each stage is relived.

Goodness, does she ever acknowledge areas where you did well as a child, or even as an adult? She sounds extraordinarily unmaternal.

Would it work to respond every time by interrupting her with something like "Give it a rest, Mum, no-one wants to listen to you slagging off your children, it sounds so ugly"?

And yes if I challenge anything it's definitely ME that is seen to be nasty. It's really hard.

I have tried to distance but I'm not great at it and birthdays and when I am low are really tricky.

Yeah I wouldn't do that to my DC. But on the other hand you simply need to take the mickey back or tell her to shut up about it. Family can be pretty insensitive and you shouldn't take it to heart.

@mam0918

I HIGHLY doubt you're dyspraxic from what you have described. I'm Dyspraxic as is my child and non of what you said is familiar or symptomatic.

The main stand-out bit about your post is the fact Dyspraxic people cant play piano (it is actually HOW I was diagnosed and referred and it's one of the things they test) and even with years of intensive occupational therapy, a family of musicians and music lessons I still can't play.

I'm sorry, but this just isn't correct.

I've been diagnosed as dyspraxic too, and there are lots of things in the OP's post that are very familiar to me and match a lot of the symptoms I was assessed on.

I'm crap at music, but I know other dyspraxic people who are very musical indeed. Just like I can touch-type 90 wpm while some dyspraxic people can't get to grips with typing properly at at all. Some dyspraxic people struggle with things like cooking, but I'm a great cook. On the other hand, I know dyspraxic people who can drive a car - while I absolutely cannot manage it despite endless lessons.

Like ASD, dyspraxia is a spectrum and will affect different people in different respects. There are common features, but 'being unable to play the piano' is not a definitive indicator.

Call her out on it as others had said. I had terrible anxiety as a child (I think triggered by the need for various operations as a child). The number of times it would be brought up how sensitive I was or how worried I was. Amazingly it stopped when I challenged them, “so what did you do to actually help my MH?”

I developed ME as a teenager and I am sure part of it was from the trauma/stress of being so anxious and the only help I got was “stop worrying”.

No wonder you were an anxious child, OP. You might have been anyway but your mother’s attitude and behaviour certainly would have made it worse.

I’m glad you found a place you belong- working with children with SEN. It sounds like you can relate to anxieties they might have (my son has SEN and goes to a special) and that can be worth it’s weight in gold.

Your mum needs to read this post !. Time you told her the truth, she's probably half the reason your childhood was so hard at times

My mother is a prick too. Always put me down as a kid, never understood me at all. Doesn’t like me now as an adult. I know for a fact that she’s a narcissist and I don’t pander to her, so she hates me.
I’m mostly happy just ignoring it and having a superficial relationship.

Feel for you op my mum has done this too a fair bit, always in front of other people and with that horrible laugh at the end. I've told her quite firmly to stop and I won't tolerate it anymore. She did that victim thing like I was bullying her but she's stopped now. For a while her self esteem was based entirely on me and my achievements and my god did I feel it when I didn't meet expectations. However if she still thinks that she's stopped it all and doesn't say anything anymore. She's a very good grandma far better than she was a mother! I think that's how it is sometimes. Weirdly my sister never got any of this, the weight of expectation, the bullying, the wild exaggerations or the attempts to control so her life has been very different from mine.

Nothing helpful to add but I totally have the same thing with my dad. His is more from me as a teenager. I’ve always been quite shy and I actually think it’s from my parent’s lack of outwardly showing love. I can’t think of a time they’ve ever hugged me or said they love me. They do love me and make lots of effort to help with things which show they care but have just never said it out loud. It’s made me very closed off as an adult and I struggle to understand how everyone else can be so forward about hugging, giving compliments to people etc. Every time I get in a situation where my dad has an audience and especially a drink and an audience, he’ll tell everyone how I was sick as a teenager one night while drunk and he had to pick me up. That would seem normal if it was the odd time but it’s literally every single time he has a story that puts me down in front of others. It wasn’t until lockdown last year that I really analysed this and realised it makes me really quite socially anxious as an adult. I fear judgement and embarrassment as a result of all these things he says like they’re ‘funny’ but I don’t know how to get him to stop and he can do it at a moments notice then I’m left feeling mortified 😔

I agree with a PP , mum do you remember when you burnt the gravy for Christmas dinner? Mum do remember when you had that perm that made you look like Hilda Ogden ? Mum do you remember when you walked to the shops with your dress stuck into your knickers. Remember when you were drunk on holiday and fell out of the taxi.
None of these need to be true but will help to deflect attention away from you and make your kids laugh at her . She won't be able to prove they didn't happen . I would make something up every single time , eventually she will give up cos she won't like being laughed at .
I can't understand why parents think that this behaviour is ok . She doesn't sound like a very nice mum .

She sounds horrible

What a horrible thing for her to do. She's clearly got no understanding or compassion - yes, she is a cunt. TELL her how hurtful she's being. You're doing great and you ought to remind her of that, too.

@BeforetheFlood

You could also try interrupting her with, 'Mum, I really don't know why you tell these stories when they make you look so bad. Aren't you ashamed of never being on my side? I would do anything to support my children, not undermine them.'

@Acheyknees
Reply ' thankfully my children don't seem to have the same difficulties Mum, but then I put that down to my parenting'

Feel for you @Wisteriabloom! Call her out every time, try saying the above, or tell a story about when she did something stupid. She's a bully whether or not she means to be one, and she needs to be made aware of it.