My mum makes fun of how I was as a child, and I find it so hurtful. 🤔

[Wisteriabloom]

For context, I was a shy child, and also struggled with sport and practical things. (I think I'm dyspraxic, as practical things still don't always come easy - I do get there though)! I'm also a fairly quiet person, more outgoing than I used to be though, and have plenty of friends & a happy marriage.

If we're at a family get-together (or just with dh & our kids), Mum will sometimes start the following -

All the other kids in the village would run into school with their friends, except Wisteria of course, she'd be the one hanging back, looking anxious!

I still have images of her at Sports Day - always last in the race!

I still remember sending Wisteria & her sister to the kids' art group (my sister was much more confident than me) - she'd come out with beautifully crafted Xmas decorations, Wisteria's looked nothing like the rest of the group, she's just NOT artistic!

I'm so glad the kids' auntie took them on the canal boat - if it had been Wisteria they'd have gone overboard, she never did have a sense of balance!

I hate being made fun of, and I often felt anxious as a child (Mum has since said one of my teachers was convinced I was just stubborn - and WOULDN'T do these things rather than COULDN'T). This couldn't be further from the truth - I remember as a 10 year old having sleepless nights, with sheer worry about the following day's PE or Art lesson. 🤔 I couldn't always understand what I was supposed to do, was made fun of (by other kids & the teacher) if I struggled and so wanted to please people. I'm too much of a 'people pleaser' as an adult, I couldn't be stubborn if I tried!

Ironically, I work now with special needs children, and am valued in my field. I may not be technically 'artistic', but am talented musically and play piano for sone of the children (as their therapy).

In a nutshell, I have a happy life and feel I've done well, and hate my mum reducing me to that anxious child, in front of people. One of my children is on the Spectrum, and I could NEVER imagine making fun of her for things she can't do, I'm proud of the things she CAN do, and the lovely child she is. I can't fathom why it makes my mum feel good to hurt me. 🙁 If I challenge her she laughs and says I'm 'over-sensitive'. Dh doesn't feel comfortable with how she sometimes treats me either. I'm 50 FGS, it's just so unnecessary! School was v different back in the 80's I realise, it was 'one way of teaching was expected to fit all'. I was fine academically, but Mum doesn't focus on my successes, I wonder why? 🤔

Don't say a you sentence to her, alone or in front of others. Do a quiet, pleasant I sentence, as in, "When you tell that story, I am reminded that I often felt that I was laughed at." That way, you haven't stooped to anything unkind, and even if you are told that that's nonsense, you have still said it out, without making awful waves.

Can't you claim your experiences back from her, rather than see it as mocking or hurtful? eg '
being at the back - 'yy I was always at the back. And I was anxious about x/y/z.'
your art being different - ' I couldn't understand what they were trying to do - that teacher's explanations did not make sense to me so I did what I wanted - a bit like Picasso.'

There's a similar dynamic in our family. ^^ That's the way I deal with it. Sometimes it's still hurtful but other times it's quite freeing to just embrace I was the annoying/dreamy/completely impractical child who had a hearing problem. I don't doubt that my mum loved me so I don't think she was ever deliberately trying to be hurtful. Since I didn't explain the stuff that bothered me when I was younger, there was no way for her to realise what was actually going on or whether it upset me.

@FebruaryRainandSleet

I'd give her the Paddington stare and say, 'I blame the parents.'

Love this! And then laugh and move away.

Had something similar with my dad, I’m in my 50’s too, went slightly off the rails after I left school at 17 after being labelled goody two shoes all my life at school because I was too scared to put a foot out of place. One day in my thirties after coming through a difficult time in my life and turning things around and coming out the other end successfully he brought it up again and I took him to one side and said why did he continue to say it as that didn’t reflect who I was today, never been mentioned since. Trouble is with parents is it doesn’t matter how old you are you’re still their children. I’d have a stern word.

"Don't forget, Mum - I get to pick your nursing home and your coffin so you might like to discuss something else."

That's so hard, I'm sorry she's doing this.

One thing that isn't a "comeback" more a way of framing it is to make the parent feel super outdated with the things they're saying. So for example "that's 40 years ago mum, I'm sure things have moved on since then" or "that's 40 years ago mum, time to move on" or "that's 40 years ago mum, and quite a few things have changed - the internet hadn't even been invented then".

My parent had a nasty habit of reminding me of times when I'd been unkind to my sibling, rather than supportive. since my teens I've given them decades of unstinting support. I did finally get her to stop by pointing out that yes, that happened but I was 12 at the time and I'm now 30 so it wasn't really relevant any more [confused slightly pitying face].

Some parents need reminding that their memories of you as a child are neither relevant nor pleasant to recall.

If you want to shut her down less directly, how about "yes but my life is much happier now!"

1. Tell her you don't like these derogatory comments and they hurt. Ask her (once) to stop doing it.

2. if she ever does it again, call her out in front of everyone.

   " Lets face it MUM; you've never been a great mother, but I don't keep listing all the ways you failed."

   " Your endless nastiness and nagging made me like that"

   "Thank god I left home and escaped from you".

@jytdtysrht

Maybe train her like a dog.

Every time she makes a stupid, belittling remark, walk away.

That's what you do when a dog exhibits undesirable behaviour.

I thought you were going to suggest a whack in the nose with a roller up newspaper.

Similar here though not as extreme as your childhood. I wasn't as dignified as some of the suggestions here and when DM brought up something embarrassing for the umteenth time for a laugh at my expense, I just exploded.

I told her that she'd been trotting out that "funny" story for over 40 years now but it was showing more of a parenting lapse on her part rather than reflecting on me as I was a child - but if she wanted to brag about her shitty parenting moment, crack on.

She never mentioned it again.

"When you tell that story, I am reminded that I often felt that I was laughed at."
I love this - it's calm, non-confrontational, and just states simple facts back at her.

This truly isn't pleasant

Mocking someone at 50 year old as they behaved in a certain way at school is unpleasant behaviour and then to blame you for not liking it is equally gaslighting

Id say

loudly

what do you achieve by telling this story on repeat mother, and notice I call you mother rather than a loving mum. Nobody is interested in your stories so lets change the subject

there will be an award silence, as other will not like the story either

so get your dh to have a stock alternative conversation ready to jump into

shut her down at each and every opportunity

I would say you are remembering it wrong. Must be your age. Turn it back on her. Or, gosh all you have to talk about is me and memories of me. I must be your favourite child.

@forrestgreen

'Good lord mum, what will we talk about when you've run out of ways to mock my childhood difficulties'

This^ How horrible of her! Glad you survived her horrible attitude you sound amazing and love the fact you are now valued (as you should be)

"Mum when you say that I find it hurtful and annoying. Please stop"

Yep my mum has form for this. And she trots out the ‘oh don’t be so sensitive’ if challenged, too. I can only think there’s some weird non-separation thing, whereby she still sees you as part of her, and therefore ‘hers’ to criticise. Is she hard on herself? Mine is hard on everyone, but as the eldest and a girl I seem to bear the brunt.

I was going to suggest something intelligent and pithy to say back to her but all I can think of is David Brent in the Office Christmas special finally saying to Finchy: “Why don’t you just fuck off?”

Thank you, everybody. 🤗 And sorry to hear that some of you have experienced similar. 🤔

I have at times, told her to stop putting me down, and how much she's hurt me in front of people. Trouble is, I'm the only one she does this to. To everybody else she cones over as the 'lovely Auntie Jean'. (She says nasty things behind people's backs, though! Jean isn't her real name, btw. Because she says these things in a lighthearted way, followed by laughter then changes the subject, nobody has chance to interject. Only me, afterwards. I once said to her I'm going to record her so she can't deny it later! She pursed her lips and walked out.

What worries me sometimes, is dh is at their house, once or twice a month, helping with house maintenance, decorating etc. He hates 'Who said what to who' convo, so he'll always say No if I ask if she's said anything. I do tell him I really hope he'd back me up, not laugh along with her. He says they don't talk 'family', he's there for purely practical reasons. I'm sure she slips the odd dig about me in though, and I'm uncomfortable with that when I'm not there to defend myself. 🤔 Dad never does this and I've always been closer to him than her.

I have visions of myself as a child, eaten up with anxiety about school, knowing whatever I did I'd get made fun of. I'd HATE my children, or any children I work with to feel this way, it gives me anxiety thinking about it!

Thank you for yout lovely comments, I do feel what I've been through has made me the empathetic person I am! I get the feeling my mum felt 'power' when I was that struggling child, it gave her something to talk about, and she wants to emulate this now. Not nice at all. 🤔

My parents both make fun of everyone in our family in this way; I think it's their way of trying to get a laugh. At least your mum is only talking about events a long time ago.

I'm wondering why she keeps talking about these events from the past. Is she trying to get a laugh, like my parents? Or does she thrive on embarrassing you? Parents will sometimes do that to their children when they are children; sounds like she hasn't moved on

I think it's important to remember that almost certainly your mum has no idea she's being so hurtful, so I don't really think it would be nice to say anything very hurtful back. If it were me I would definitely keep saying Oh that was such a long time ago..... followed by that's not a nice memory to talk about, anyway, why are you talking about that? Give her a stare then walk away.

If you do that every time she says these things hopefully the listener won't be amused at all as it's obvious you're not enjoying the stories. And hopefully she'll be trained to stop doing; I can't see what joy she'd get out of continuing.

I'm sorry she's got such bad social skills. She's the person who looks bad, not you!

I started Terri Apter’s book ‘Difficult Mothers’ today. Looks good so far!!

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet

My mum starts every story about me with 'she was very clever but she could never do jigsaws' it's so irritating as it's true, I was very good at most things but what is remembered us what I struggled with

Have you ever said 'yes but they're not exactly a life skill are they!'

"You think I'm too sensitive? Well, it's no wonder I'm sensitive - you've been humiliating me for decades and I'm sick of it. Just stop it, I've absolutely had enough."

I HIGHLY doubt you're dyspraxic from what you have described. I'm Dyspraxic as is my child and non of what you said is familiar or symptomatic.

The main stand-out bit about your post is the fact Dyspraxic people cant play piano (it is actually HOW I was diagnosed and referred and it's one of the things they test) and even with years of intensive occupational therapy, a family of musicians and music lessons I still can't play.

Are you me? Fellow dyspraxic with a you-are-oversensitive mum here!

My sanity has been saved by moving to the UK 10 years ago (I am from continental Europe). Not saying you should move countries but distancing yourself makes the world of good.

I does sound like you have anxiety, maybe triggered by your mother or just exacerbated by it... unfortunately anxiety is not easy to fix so there's no magical advice.

Good luck tell your mam to fuck off though, she sounds tiresome.

Oh, and actually I couldn't play piano, failed my Grade 3 and gave up.

Tell her you've often wondered why she never tried to help you, or deal with the school on your behalf. It's not just a question of different times, I'm older than you and so is my DH. We both remember instances of our Mums intervening at school when necessary. She should have had your back, and it doesn't sound as if she did.

Buy her a lovely gift… like this from Etsy. Then whenever she says something nasty just point at it