My mum makes fun of how I was as a child, and I find it so hurtful. 🤔

[Wisteriabloom]

For context, I was a shy child, and also struggled with sport and practical things. (I think I'm dyspraxic, as practical things still don't always come easy - I do get there though)! I'm also a fairly quiet person, more outgoing than I used to be though, and have plenty of friends & a happy marriage.

If we're at a family get-together (or just with dh & our kids), Mum will sometimes start the following -

All the other kids in the village would run into school with their friends, except Wisteria of course, she'd be the one hanging back, looking anxious!

I still have images of her at Sports Day - always last in the race!

I still remember sending Wisteria & her sister to the kids' art group (my sister was much more confident than me) - she'd come out with beautifully crafted Xmas decorations, Wisteria's looked nothing like the rest of the group, she's just NOT artistic!

I'm so glad the kids' auntie took them on the canal boat - if it had been Wisteria they'd have gone overboard, she never did have a sense of balance!

I hate being made fun of, and I often felt anxious as a child (Mum has since said one of my teachers was convinced I was just stubborn - and WOULDN'T do these things rather than COULDN'T). This couldn't be further from the truth - I remember as a 10 year old having sleepless nights, with sheer worry about the following day's PE or Art lesson. 🤔 I couldn't always understand what I was supposed to do, was made fun of (by other kids & the teacher) if I struggled and so wanted to please people. I'm too much of a 'people pleaser' as an adult, I couldn't be stubborn if I tried!

Ironically, I work now with special needs children, and am valued in my field. I may not be technically 'artistic', but am talented musically and play piano for sone of the children (as their therapy).

In a nutshell, I have a happy life and feel I've done well, and hate my mum reducing me to that anxious child, in front of people. One of my children is on the Spectrum, and I could NEVER imagine making fun of her for things she can't do, I'm proud of the things she CAN do, and the lovely child she is. I can't fathom why it makes my mum feel good to hurt me. 🙁 If I challenge her she laughs and says I'm 'over-sensitive'. Dh doesn't feel comfortable with how she sometimes treats me either. I'm 50 FGS, it's just so unnecessary! School was v different back in the 80's I realise, it was 'one way of teaching was expected to fit all'. I was fine academically, but Mum doesn't focus on my successes, I wonder why? 🤔

Your mother is nasty.
Agree that next time she repeats one of these stories, hold up your hand and say STOP! I have spoken to you before about this nasty bullying mockery of my childhood.
If she comes back repeat ‘JUST STOP’

If she carries on afyer this you walk away

Would you expect my own kids to accept that sort of treatment from anyone, even yourself? Don't stay silent.

Sorry about that OP, my dad is the same. He would bring up embarassing moments from my childhood despite me asking not to do so. I hoe calling her out on that every time would help but if not there isn't really much you can do about that, some people just wouldn't understand unless you probably go nuclear and make the whole smartshow 3d presentation about all the timed they were funny.

I hope! Hope! My bad

Thank you all so much, some really helpful suggestions there, of what to say when my mum starts, in front of people. My way of dealing with it is to confront her after people leave, when we're on our own again. Her response in normally 'My God, I can't say anything right, you're so blooming sensitive!' with an eyeroll. I realise I need to embarrass her back in front of people, with 'STOP, ENOUGH, etc'! She'd accuse me of bullying, but it would be self-defence!

Sorry that some of you have had similar experiences, what are parents of that generation thinking?!

I feel bad asking dh if Mum's said anything, when he's working there as it's not really fair on him. I just hate the fact she might start - 'Wisteria used to be hopeless at this/that - her sister picked it up much quicker', she's never managed to pass a driving test, ha ha ha!' (These are practical things that I struggle with, through no fault of my own), I have other skills that she doesn't! And he MIGHT be driving home thinking 'Crumbs, who have I landed myself with? - She's hopeless'! We're very close, I suppose "soul mates', and much as we've been together years, I don't want her muscling in and ruining what we have. 🤔

I need to 'switch off' my anxiety a bit, I realise, as if she IS doing this, it's when I"m not there to stop her! My dad does stick up for me, but she's v hard to silence !

Your DH married you, not your mother. Kindly, I think these worries about how his perception might change are your anxiety talking. Doesn't he deserve a bit more credit than that?

DH is my ally against my mum. As it works in a lot of families, I think. He is always the first to remind me not to listen to her.

Reading and nodding in recognition here.. with me it was my Dad, and he could be exceptionally cruel and unpleasant with it. He put me down at every opportunity, loved to tell stories about how useless I was until one day, with my DH (newly married) he started on me in front of DH.
DH is the most placid man around... but he absolutely told my Dad that he was never to speak about me or to me like that again. My Dad was absolutely gobsmacked that someone had challenged him and it stopped him for years.
Gradually he started doing it again..and to my DD1 as well, putting her down. I overheard him telling her she shouldn't bother applying to medical school because there was no way she was clever enough to get in.
THEN I went absolutely nuts at him. Bad enough he had ruined my confidence in my own abilities, but to start on her? When I'd finished with him I also told his wife (my lovely step mum) who hadn't heard him...and she tore a strip off him. And that's when he finally stopped.

My DD1 did apply, did get in, and has been a doctor for quite a few years now . I have no idea why he felt the need to treat me like that, he was a difficult, clever man... but it has affected me my whole adult life.

@mam0918 bollocks. My ds is dyspraxic and a really talented pianist and artist. Everyone is different. Dyspraxia isn’t a one size fits all box.

@Wisteriabloom my mum is like this. I just yawn whenever she talks.

billy1966 - What a brilliant response from your friend's partner, I can imagine that stopped them right in their tracks! 😀
It's so sad that any parent feels it's ok to do this to their child. 🤔

@jytdtysrht

Maybe train her like a dog.

Every time she makes a stupid, belittling remark, walk away.

That's what you do when a dog exhibits undesirable behaviour.

That's a good suggestion. I started doing that with my dad. if he started up, I'd just say, 'Oh I just have to...' and not finish the sentence but wandered off to get a breather from him until he'd changed the subject. Sometimes I'd be gone for a while. It puts you in control. You don;t have to listen to it, but nor are you responsible for teaching her the error of her ways. You just don't stay around for even a second.

I don't think you need to worry about your DH here. Have you talked to him about how your mother makes you feel?

My DH sees right though my mother, even more than I do. He has no respect for her and is polite to her only because that is my current wish.

It's really not possible for her to turn DH against you by telling mean spirited stories. Your DH already knows who you are.

Have you considered going low contact or no contact with your mother? You may find this helps you to feel less stressed and happier.

Yes, he knows how I feel. From a few things she's said about her childhood, it seems that her mum (my nan) used to often compare her unfavourably to her sisters, and he feels it's partly history repeating itself. Very unfair (and he agrees), projecting her issues on to me!

If she's embarrassed me in front of people I deliberately don't make any comtact unless she does. Then a week or so goes by and she contacts me, with the occasional 'I always know if I've said the wrong thing' with a mocking tone. And the inevitable, 'You're so sensitive'. It's then a while before she tries it again, but eventually it happens. It seems it's deeply embedded in her! 🤔

Probably if you embarrass her straight back in front of others by calling out her behaviour she will stop.

Try something like apologising to the others in the room "sorry, my mother enjoys trying to humiliate me in public, I'm trying to train her out of it"

If she's embarrassed me in front of people I deliberately don't make any comtact unless she does. Then a week or so goes by and she contacts me, with the occasional 'I always know if I've said the wrong thing' with a mocking tone. And the inevitable, 'You're so sensitive'. It's then a while before she tries it again, but eventually it happens. It seems it's deeply embedded in her!

Next time, when she mocks you, hang up. Not one word, just hang up. And do that every fucking time she tries to make it your fault. And keep hanging up until the first words out of her mouth are "I hurt you and I am truly sorry" on a call.

She knows what she's doing. And she knows that you'll answer her if she gives you time to cool down, and she knows that you'll just take it if she mocks you about your hurt and blames you for it.

So stop facilitating her doing that.

My mum does this all the time. I was awful at maths and needed loads of extra tutoring (I think I’m actually number blind…) my mums misguided 80s parenting motivation was to keep carping on about how bad I was at it

I’m now 45 and work in IT finance, she still tells everyone I was and still am terrible at maths and ‘when are work going to find out and make you redundant’

That plus lots of similar stuff about how we were as kids - if I ever call her out on it I get ‘oooh you’re so touchy, it’s only a joke’ ‘no need to be so sensitive’ ‘It’s true though, why are you complaining?’ ‘You always were rude’

(No shit, I had to stand up for myself)

I'm going to try that next time she does it, SNOG, thank you! Apologising to the other people in the room for her behaviour (even if it's just dh & the kids), might just do the trick! 🤞

LittleMy - That's awful of your mum, it sounds as though you've done so well in your career, too. 👍 I'm.sure many of you are similar to me - If we embarrassed our children, even unintentionally, we'd feel awful about it and apologise profusely, so to do it deliberately and get some sort of 'thrill' out of it, would be just be incomprehensible! 🤔