My mum makes fun of how I was as a child, and I find it so hurtful. 🤔

[Wisteriabloom]

For context, I was a shy child, and also struggled with sport and practical things. (I think I'm dyspraxic, as practical things still don't always come easy - I do get there though)! I'm also a fairly quiet person, more outgoing than I used to be though, and have plenty of friends & a happy marriage.

If we're at a family get-together (or just with dh & our kids), Mum will sometimes start the following -

All the other kids in the village would run into school with their friends, except Wisteria of course, she'd be the one hanging back, looking anxious!

I still have images of her at Sports Day - always last in the race!

I still remember sending Wisteria & her sister to the kids' art group (my sister was much more confident than me) - she'd come out with beautifully crafted Xmas decorations, Wisteria's looked nothing like the rest of the group, she's just NOT artistic!

I'm so glad the kids' auntie took them on the canal boat - if it had been Wisteria they'd have gone overboard, she never did have a sense of balance!

I hate being made fun of, and I often felt anxious as a child (Mum has since said one of my teachers was convinced I was just stubborn - and WOULDN'T do these things rather than COULDN'T). This couldn't be further from the truth - I remember as a 10 year old having sleepless nights, with sheer worry about the following day's PE or Art lesson. 🤔 I couldn't always understand what I was supposed to do, was made fun of (by other kids & the teacher) if I struggled and so wanted to please people. I'm too much of a 'people pleaser' as an adult, I couldn't be stubborn if I tried!

Ironically, I work now with special needs children, and am valued in my field. I may not be technically 'artistic', but am talented musically and play piano for sone of the children (as their therapy).

In a nutshell, I have a happy life and feel I've done well, and hate my mum reducing me to that anxious child, in front of people. One of my children is on the Spectrum, and I could NEVER imagine making fun of her for things she can't do, I'm proud of the things she CAN do, and the lovely child she is. I can't fathom why it makes my mum feel good to hurt me. 🙁 If I challenge her she laughs and says I'm 'over-sensitive'. Dh doesn't feel comfortable with how she sometimes treats me either. I'm 50 FGS, it's just so unnecessary! School was v different back in the 80's I realise, it was 'one way of teaching was expected to fit all'. I was fine academically, but Mum doesn't focus on my successes, I wonder why? 🤔

You could always try saying "Whatever I did as a child, I've never made a habit of constantly putting down my own child in front of others, like you do."

I love that some people are advising the OP to tell her mother it's hurtful.

Newsflash - such mothers (and I had one) are fully aware that it's hurtful - that's why they do it - and you saying so will mean they will rejoice at achieving their goal.

No - fight back with examples of their shit behaviour during your childhood, and/or say how miserable you were as a child, anything that flags the poor parenting your received.

That's very sad OP.
You mention your own child has autism. Are your mum's social communication skills limited in other ways or just on her treatment of you?
Maybe correct her as others have suggested, to help her see the impact on your feelings and wellbeing

I have a close relationship with my mum. She has had a lot of shit luck in her life and is quite isolated due to having no other close family so I am reasonably understanding that sometimes the way she approaches life is not how I would.

But I definitely call out this kind of thing. My DM used to do it all the time but every time I said 'You always put me down, that's still me you're taking about and it makes me feel rubbish.' It takes a few times of saying it and being explicit but the message got through.

I then had to redo the process when I had DC and my mother would try and help/reassure by saying 'oh don't think you'll be able to settle them at night, I tried everything and you were a nightmare- just would not sleep' or 'oh I'd go to every nativity and you just never sung or spoke so don't worry if DC don't.' I think it is her reassuring herself and perceived failures or things she deep down worried about. Trying to normalise it. But it made me feel rubbish and like she wasn't on my team trying to help bring upDC my way but reliving and excusing any past problems through the GC.

It has calmed now after lots of very explicit chats about why this is not OK or helpful.

The Dyspraxia issue is interesting. I've never been formally diagnosed, not sure how beneficial it would be now.

But yes, I'm a talented pianist, can type 70 words per minute, and am a v good cook! But - there are also things I just cannot do. I can't drive, have had many lessons and failed many tests. My instructor in the end, agreed that my spatial awareness just isn't strong enough. 🙁 My sense of direction is also poor. Sports don't come naturally, but I have v neat handwriting, and am always the 'go to' person if someone's unsure of a spelling, or needs a difficult letter worded. Hmm, it's an interesting one.

"Do you remember that time you said you were proud of me? No, me neither"
Petty I know but I'm NC with my parents and sometimes I play 'what I wish I could have said'.

My DM took the mickey out of me infront of her friends and repeated conversation I'd had with her so I could hear her laughing about me. I was a shy and anxious child and poor at sports. I retreated into books and school and kept out of her way as much as possible. I remember deciding about the age of about 8 that I'd never tell her anything of importance ever again to avoid giving her any ammunition to laugh at me. However she continued with this behaviour (she even complained I never told her anything so she had to go through my things to find out what I was doing). She enjoyed comparing me unfavourably to her favourite child.

After the latest "input" from my DM on my childhood failings (infront of DCs last month) I responded with "That's definitely down to poor parenting behaviour from you and I'm surprised you'd want to share that again. But don't you remember telling that story last time we visited? I really think you need to make a doctors appointment about your memory issues" Head tilt and concerned look.
Deathly silence from her (for once!)

I let her overwhelm me for so long that Im ashamed I snapped at her (not my finest moment), but my response does seem to have had an effect! Not a hint of mickey taking or "reminiscing" at our most recent visit 👍

My mum always used to laugh about the time my grandmother said l had got fat and l used to quietly pull her to one side and ask her if she could stop telling the same story. She told me lmwas being touchy.
So l got really grumpy about it instead if being nice and she never did it again.
It is humiliating op.

If you've told her it's hurtful and she still does it then she wants to be hurtful to you. If this is the case then I'd distance yourself from her as much as you can.

This reminds me of my own mother telling stories about when I was a teenager and wouldn't go swimming on holiday, or when I wore cardigans on the same summer holiday... Because I was a teen and really insecure AND because it was cold at night! She always tells it as 'and you were a right miserable bitch that holiday' - no empathy in that regard at all.

Funnily enough mine is fine in other respects but it does hurt so I totally get it, OP.

My mother bangs on endlessly about my OH having a 1:1, whereas I apparently 'only' have a 2:1 ( never mind the fact that I also have an MSc, multiple professional quals and a director-level job on the same salary as my OH).

I put it down to the fact that my OH is a lawyer - a professional job my mum 'understands' - whereas I work in IT, which she doesn't get.

I grey rock - smile and nod, while thinking 'I pay for all your shit and you will never, ever be grateful'.

You could try saying I don’t like to talk or
Think about my childhood

@pussycatunpickingcrossesagain

"Don't forget, Mum - I get to pick your nursing home and your coffin so you might like to discuss something else."

“Well, at least I’m nor someone who bullies their daughter, mum!”

My Mum can do this. She does have mental health issues and I truly don’t think she recognises the impact of her comments. Last time we met, when she said something bitchy, I just lightly touch her arm and said, I’m not here long,Mum - please can we just be kind to each other”. Worked a treat. She never does it with my kids and I think it is a form of projection where she sees me as an extension of herself (I’m pretty sure she’s equally, if not more, mean to herself in her head). I’ve tried ignoring and also mirroring back her behaviour to her (which does upset her but I still don’t think she realises it upsets me when she does the same). There are two things going on here: your hurt about your past that her comments are triggering; & her comments. If you can’t stop her comments you can stop their impact. It’s a technique we used for my in laws who always want to bitch at me in subtle ways that are hard to combat. My husband went for come counselling after we had kids (as it inevitably escalated issues) and his counsellor recommended stopping all attempts to stop them making the remarks… because if they want to be bitchy they’re going to find a way! Instead she suggested we rate them on their comments. Worked a treat - we would give two scores out of 10. One for the effort we felt they put into thinking up the comment and another out of 10 for its impact. The next few times we met up with them, there were a lot of 10s in both scores but then we noticed that we’d score a 10 for effort but only a 5 for impact. And one time on the drive home we got all the way home and realised we had discussed their comments and our scores. It worked a treat. By doing the scores, it truly felt less impactful and left their shitty comments with them.

My mum did this to me at my son's 21st birthday party. I was having a lovely time and she sailed over to where I was having a conversation to butt in and tell everyone how awful I was on my 21st. Apparently, I was in a mood and she had really put herself out and thought I was going to ignore all the guests and it was all so stressful for her.

I heard her repeat this story several times that day, to different people.

For context, at 21 I was struggling with an eating disorder and severe anxiety which explains a lot, but obviously she felt the need to bring up this old news for what - to embarrass me? Put me in my place? Who knows.

Some people are hard to fathom.

She probably doesn't understand aka is being closed minded and insensitive.

I'd just turn around and say nope that is how I feel and I am entitled to express it. Whether or not she agrees you can't control but even if she doesn't your feelings are still valid.

I agree standing up is liberating. It goes one of two ways - they stop (but never ever kid yourself or lull yourself into false security that they won't ever do it again) or you reduce contact.

Say how it makes you feel.

My mum specialises in personal remarks, I put up with it till I had a dd, then started to put my foot down. She has NO IDEA what I was talking about, so I started saying
“ Oh I feel so self conscious now “ etc . She was v surprised but it’s worked. She just doesn’t do empathy, so I have to spell out the effect it’s having.

@AffIt

My mother bangs on endlessly about my OH having a 1:1, whereas I apparently 'only' have a 2:1 ( never mind the fact that I also have an MSc, multiple professional quals and a director-level job on the same salary as my OH).

I put it down to the fact that my OH is a lawyer - a professional job my mum 'understands' - whereas I work in IT, which she doesn't get.

I grey rock - smile and nod, while thinking 'I pay for all your shit and you will never, ever be grateful'.

Might be time to explode and tell her just what you've posted here, then if / when? she brings it up again, just roll eyes and say 'oh not again, you're like a broken record mum, or are you getting to the stage of forgetting what you've already said?' Every time.

Just came back on to say thanks to this thread I pulled my dad up for this behaviour today! I commented on an earlier page but since I was a child he has taken weird snide jibes at me, especially in front of other people, usually for ‘a laugh’ but it’s always at my expense. I got so used to this behaviour growing up that I didn’t even see it as strange. It wasn’t actually until lockdown that I realised what an anxious person I am, particularly socially and kind of narrowed it down to the fact every time I’m in a social situation with him he brings me down in front of people. It all sort of spiralled into me completely losing my confidence and ending up on beta blockers just to face people at work. He did it again today and I thought one small remark back from me isn’t going to cut it. He needs to know just how much this has hurt me so I completely went for it. I didn’t tell him or my mum the fact that I’m such an anxious person now, live in fear of being shamed in every conversation and need medication but I hinted at the fact you can’t do that to someone for their entire life and expect them to be okay. Thanks for this thread! I have taken the first step to dealing with this! 😊

@Ohyesiam

Say how it makes you feel.

My mum specialises in personal remarks, I put up with it till I had a dd, then started to put my foot down. She has NO IDEA what I was talking about, so I started saying
“ Oh I feel so self conscious now “ etc . She was v surprised but it’s worked. She just doesn’t do empathy, so I have to spell out the effect it’s having.

I’ve not long had a baby and I think this is what’s caused me to want to stop it now! The sad thing is most certainly the people who behave like this are doing it because of something similar from their childhood

@Sarah13xx - that’s great to here! Well done you. Based on my experiences, even if it doesn’t change their behaviour much it will really start to change your self-belief and help you to leave the damage with the people it originally came from - your parents. I agree it is often parents passing on generational damage that they unknowingly project onto you. My parents and sibling were often the same and I remember many meals at dinner time where I was relentlessly mocked. I unknowingly and unconsciously took the behaviour outside of our house into my friendship group but luckily had a lovely dear friend who gently pulled me up on it. So I stopped a long time before I had children. Like you, it has left me with a lot of anxiety issues and I am in the 2% of people who have stomach ulcers caused purely by a lifetime of feeling stressed with a sensitive stomach (ie without the H Pylori bacteria causing the ulceration). Finding the right counsellor (took 3 attempts to find the right one for me) really helped and also let me see that my family did it because of their damage and didn’t see the damage they in turn did to me. I’ve gently and not so gently () tackled it will my family and my sibling has acknowledged and adapted (& I’ve acknowledged impact of our childhood on her too) and my parents didn’t acknowledge but have adapted as they do genuinely care. My ILs are unfortunately more damaged and when my DH tried to tackle them on similar they have not been able to adapt unfortunately- but use medium chill/grey rock and iron clad boundaries to great effect.

@IdontPracticeSanteria

I'd start telling stories straight back about her if she starts again in front of people.

''Do you remember mum, that time when you were a right cunt and you did such and such..''

😂 love that

I'd say "well it's quite clear that I had some additional needs, what a shame you didn't realise and seek extra support for me. Can't imagine leaving my child to flounder like that and then still not realise what they were going through all these years later..."

Your post really resonated with me. I'm so sorry your mum is doing this and making you upset.

I have an aunt who used was much the same. Talking about how I was sulky and difficult as a young child.

For context, I lost my mother, brother and sister at age 3 and remember much if my child hood feeling confused, unloved and lonely.

I did call her out on it. Took me until age 30 mind. She's never done it again.

There are some great idea on here about what to say etc. If you can find the strength I'd very much reccomend saying something. You don't need to be subjected to this anymore

@Wisteriabloom as a fellow Dyspraxic who was always last to be picked for PE teams and last in every sports day event I just wanted to stand in solidarity with you.
You sound really lovely and your mother sounds toxic. I'd be putting some space between us if she was my mother
for you