Page 7 | Dp won't let kids leave the house because of Russian invasion

Privateandconfidentialplease · 2022-03-01T08:28:36+00:00

We live in the UK and he won't let our secondary school age kids leave the house and go to school. It is 10 minutes away so pretty local. He is usually intelligent, aware of world events and history. He used to be in the marines and is very aware of military history and stuff. You get the picture. I think the kids can go in as normal but have discussed it with him and he wont budge. So they will have more time at home now. He wants them to have the whole week off. I have said they can stay home today and we will discuss it tomorrow. After all the lockdowns....self isolation due to covid twice. Is he crazy?

CheltenhamLady · 01/03/2022 10:33

@labyrinthlaziness

OP I don't think you should post here - you need specialist advice.

The advice on here is ignorant IMO.

I agree. You need to get the specialist services in to help you deal with this.

Comedycook · 01/03/2022 10:33

@Whattodoniw

Read what I said ffs. If he's abusive, leave. If he's having a mental health crisis, get him help.

Hth

Cornettoninja · 01/03/2022 10:33

The word abusive is thrown round freely on this forum, only at men of course. This man needs help and yes he could pose a threat to his children if he is pushed but thats not being abusive, thats being ill

Semantics, the effects are the same.

Whether terming it abuse or illness it helps push the OP to take action regarding her children's well-being then I’m afraid I’m not too hung up on the terminology at this point.

Whattodoniw · 01/03/2022 10:34

[quote Comedycook]@Whattodoniw

Read what I said ffs. If he's abusive, leave. If he's having a mental health crisis, get him help.

Hth[/quote]

I read it as you
wrote it . Loud and clear.

No need to explain it again.

Original poster

Privateandconfidentialplease · 01/03/2022 10:35

Some really good responses. To my knowledge he didnt go to war when he was a marine and has never suffered ptsd or anxiety. I think he has been suffering undiagnosed depression for a while now but not anxiety.
I am not enabling him. I do not think it is ok to keep the kids off school but i have to respect that he is their dad and has a say in this. I will not ltb as some posters suggested. He has no where to go and neither do we.
I am hoping that during the day he will see sense. I will chat to him later on and i will say they are going in to school tomorrow. If I meet resistance I guess I will have to stick to my guns.
He has said out loud what his fears are and he still thinks it is rational. I know it is irrational to keep them home but he doesn't.

OP posts:

bellac11 · 01/03/2022 10:37

@Privateandconfidentialplease

Some really good responses. To my knowledge he didnt go to war when he was a marine and has never suffered ptsd or anxiety. I think he has been suffering undiagnosed depression for a while now but not anxiety. I am not enabling him. I do not think it is ok to keep the kids off school but i have to respect that he is their dad and has a say in this. I will not ltb as some posters suggested. He has no where to go and neither do we. I am hoping that during the day he will see sense. I will chat to him later on and i will say they are going in to school tomorrow. If I meet resistance I guess I will have to stick to my guns. He has said out loud what his fears are and he still thinks it is rational. I know it is irrational to keep them home but he doesn't.

I would also speak to the LA/school to see if their education welfare officer can visit, the children wont be able to have their absence authorised and if you contact them first, they will visit and be able to support you to get the right referrals made to support him.

Comedycook · 01/03/2022 10:38

Oh and whattodoniw. Even if someone is unwell, if their actions are such that they are harming or having a detrimental effect on their own children, it's not unreasonable to leave them.

BrainNotAvailableTryAnotherOne · 01/03/2022 10:38

Oh ffs but where has empathy gone?

I am a woman, never been in the military but on antidepressants and with a history of panic attacks, and I have cried while dropping my son off at nursery today. I have been very close to deciding not to send him.

It's good to get medical help, but the situation is totally understandable.

Comedycook · 01/03/2022 10:39

@privateandconfidentialplease

What have you said to the school?

girlmom21 · 01/03/2022 10:39

I would also speak to the LA/school to see if their education welfare officer can visit, the children wont be able to have their absence authorised and if you contact them first, they will visit and be able to support you to get the right referrals made to support him.

I would advise against this. There are a lot of services that can provide appropriate support. An educational welfare officer isn't one of them.

Cornettoninja · 01/03/2022 10:39

He has no where to go and neither do we

I think you need a conversation with your dc’s school. This is the kind of thing they may be able to help you with/sign post temporary solutions for.

I appreciate you don’t think you’re at a point you need to consider that seriously but I think it’d be wise to have a plan in place should things evolve.

I hope your DH is able to rationalise better soon, but I also think you need to be hyper aware that his current state of mind has the potential to be dangerous or escalate without much warning.

toomuchlaundry · 01/03/2022 10:46

How long are you going to be stuck in the house?

You need to talk to the school?

Yes DH has a say about the children, but not when his thoughts are not rational and it impacts them and their education

DS's school sent through a lot of links to us yesterday to help talk to children if they are concerned/worried. Has yours? If not they are probably talking to the students, so they might be able to send you something that will help your DH

crispsarny · 01/03/2022 10:47

@BrainNotAvailableTryAnotherOne

Oh ffs but where has empathy gone?

I am a woman, never been in the military but on antidepressants and with a history of panic attacks, and I have cried while dropping my son off at nursery today. I have been very close to deciding not to send him.

It's good to get medical help, but the situation is totally understandable.

Completely understandable, amongst other things I suffer with agoraphobia made worse by the pandemic. Such judgemental fuckwits on mumsnet, must be great to sit up there so high, mighty & strong minded, it comes to all of us one day. Op please take care of yourself & your children, you all need stability, listen to your husbands concerns, sympathise with him but gently suggest that he gets some help.

Original poster

Privateandconfidentialplease · 01/03/2022 10:48

I told the school the kids were ill.

I may give the dr a ring but they are so hard to get hold of and dp has this unshakable belief that there is very real possibility we will be nuked by Russia. I will have a think and approach it later on.

OP posts:

ExactlyThis · 01/03/2022 10:48

What is his reasoning for keeping them off?

ExactlyThis · 01/03/2022 10:50

Cross posted.

You need to have a good conversation about how the children being home and not at school won’t make a blind bit of difference if we are nuked or not.

That said, if we were told we had an incoming nuke, first thing I’d do is get my kids from school so at least we could all die from radiation poisoning together.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/03/2022 10:50

Clearly the fact you have to lie to the school proves how irrational he is.

Inthesameboatatmo · 01/03/2022 10:50

Have you told the school exactly why they won't be in today? I'm sure they will be a little about the reason. If he still refuses to let the children go to school tomorrow what will you do ? . The poor man is very unwell and if he won't let them leave then he's effectively holding you hostage isn't he surely.

Vavavoomer · 01/03/2022 10:51

This is a nice article from one parent on what we should say to the children: www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/education/ukraine-invasion-what-should-parents-say-to-children-about-the-war-russia-is-inflicting-on-ukraine-3591063

Rockdown2020 · 01/03/2022 10:53

It would seem this situation is causing him extreme anxiety. Please seek medical help for him. Sending you love

Brefugee · 01/03/2022 10:56

The British government is entirely in the pocket of Russian oligarchs. There are much much easier targets than the UK should Putin press the button. After all this dies down (whatever the outcome for Ukraine) he is going to need allies - the British government are those allies.

FindingMeno · 01/03/2022 10:58

Honestly, the more you know about nuclear weapons the worse the anxiety is. I know too much. He will definitely know too much.
He's very likely scared he will not be able to get to the children if the worst happens.
His fear is a proportionate response to the impact of a nuclear strike.
He doesn't want to take the risk.
I get it.
A bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 01/03/2022 11:02

@BrainNotAvailableTryAnotherOne

Oh ffs but where has empathy gone?

I am a woman, never been in the military but on antidepressants and with a history of panic attacks, and I have cried while dropping my son off at nursery today. I have been very close to deciding not to send him.

It's good to get medical help, but the situation is totally understandable.

Exactly. We're living in terrifying times and while it isn't ok it is understandable. My intelligent, sensible, normally unflapable husband is currently constructing a fallout shelter in the basement. Even he knows it's most likely wasted effort but this situation has sent his anxiety off the scale and this helps him manage it.

Comedycook · 01/03/2022 11:05

I'm sorry for everyone who is worried and anxious right now...but it absolutely isn't understandable or proportional to be crying taking your children to school or keeping them at home because there's a war in another country. Sorry but it just isn't.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 01/03/2022 11:05

@FindingMeno

Honestly, the more you know about nuclear weapons the worse the anxiety is. I know too much. He will definitely know too much. He's very likely scared he will not be able to get to the children if the worst happens. His fear is a proportionate response to the impact of a nuclear strike. He doesn't want to take the risk. I get it. A bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss.

I hadn't considered that. My DH is a nuclear scientist so that might explain why he feels the need to convert the root cellar into a shelter.