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Original poster

How much worry is normal for young adult daughter walking home?

122 replies

StaplesCorner · 23/02/2022 23:08

My eldest DD20 at uni in a large-ish city. She often uses the library etc and ends up walking home after dark - at the moment that's not hard is it as its dark around 5.30/6pm. This evening she was much later I've been sick with worry since about 9.30 she said she was leaving and its only a 30 minute walk home. I finally messaged her again and got a reply that she's home about 10 minutes ago. Phew.

Thing is though, why am I "sick with worry" - I could feel the awful adrenaline feeling in my stomach and even now I know she's home, I can still feel it almost like a hangover effect. Just having a cup of tea to calm down. I text her every morning and evening to make sure she's ok - is this too much? Its definitely got worse since recent events with well publicised murders. But I'm still thinking is it ok to feel like this or am I too anxious? I asked a friend whose DD same age is also at uni and she thought I was mad. Will I still feel like this if she's living alone and working away in a few years time, or even when she's married?!

I should just clarify I don't think I worry more than anyone else about her health or her grades or housing etc., its just specifically the walking home thing that really pushes my buttons.

OP posts:

titchy · 23/02/2022 23:12

Yeah that's too much. I understand you worry but asking her to text you twice a day isn't fair on her. What if she goes to a pub or club or stays out? You can't expect her to let you know every detail of where she is and what time till, that's stifling.

Louisianagumbo · 23/02/2022 23:13

I'd left home and had been living on my own for 20 years and my dad would still ring when it was snowing to check if I'd got home OK. So maybe you never stop worrying? Got to say he worried a lot more when he stopped working - too much time on his hands?! Mum was much more laid back but I guess she was happy when ad told her I'd clocked in. 😄

lisaandalan · 23/02/2022 23:13

Don't beat yourself up about it, mine are 27 and 28 and I'm exactly the same. You can't help how you are. X

Creeeper · 23/02/2022 23:14

That’s too much, sorry but she’s an adult and needs to be living more of an independent life

Your reaction is a little over the top, are you generally an anxious person?

MaggieMooh · 23/02/2022 23:15

It depends where she’s walking. On busy streets with lots of people and cars, not a problem even at 9.30. But if she’s walking through any lonely or isolated areas in the dark then it’s dangerous. Young people often think they’re invincible and they don’t realise they’re putting themselves in danger.

Thethingswedoforlove · 23/02/2022 23:16

Would it not be better to just not know where she is and what she is up to? Then you couldn’t worry as much?

Original poster

StaplesCorner · 23/02/2022 23:16

Blimey 50:50 early doors! I wish I'd gone on AIBU and put a vote up

OP posts:

theleafandnotthetree · 23/02/2022 23:20

@lisaandalan

Don't beat yourself up about it, mine are 27 and 28 and I'm exactly the same. You can't help how you are. X

Well you should try and help who you are if it is stifling or an imposition for the subject of your worry or causing you excessive anxiety. 27 and 28, seriously? How do you even know what they are doing on a daily basis at those ages?

exexpat · 23/02/2022 23:25

That's too much. You will ruin your relationship with your daughter.

My mother is like you, and it has meant I have ended up strictly limiting what I tell her because I cannot stand having the burden of dealing with her anxiety dumped on me.

I was happiest when I was living on the other side of the world and only speaking to her once or twice a week, so she had no idea where I was or what I was doing most of the time.

She is now in her 80s and I am in my 50s and I still push back against her excessive anxiety and wanting to check up on me. If she weren't like that, I could have a much more open relationship with her and let her in on what is happening in my life, but I have learned that it is just not worth telling her anything remotely worrying as I am then left dealing with the consequences for weeks.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 23/02/2022 23:27

That sounds like anxiety to me. I used to be terrified my family would die in a car crash whenever someone went on a journey or was late home, it's a horrible feeling even when you know there's no reason to worry. It might be worth talking to your GP about CBT or similar if you think that might help.

LouisRenault · 23/02/2022 23:27

You can't expect her to let you know every detail of where she is and what time till, that's stifling.

I agree with this. Part of being a student living away from home is that your parents don't have to know what you get up to.

This is the downside of being able to be in constant contact with people. When I was a student, it was letters and an occasional phone call.

OP, stop the texting and just talk on the phone a couple of times a week.

HamsterTrumpet · 23/02/2022 23:29

Is she living with you? If not, why do you need to know where she is and what she’s doing?

(Admittedly my mother still asks me to text her when I get home after visiting her and I’m in my 40s. But she doesn’t know what I’m up to the rest of the time so doesn’t worry. And it’s been that way since I was at university - she’s definitely happier not knowing where I’m “meant” to be)

Original poster

StaplesCorner · 23/02/2022 23:29

So those that think I am in the wrong, what do you think of those apps like Hollie Guard? There was also the one (name escapes me) where you could ring someone if you were worried walking home - I assume you'd be against those too?

OP posts:

Hugasauras · 23/02/2022 23:30

I'm 36 and text with my mum every day I wouldn't want to pressure her to text you every morning and night, but if it's just part of your normal communication pattern then it's fine.

mizzo · 23/02/2022 23:30

I think it's a too much worry but I do understand it is really hard to switch off being concerned.
My DD is also at university and I often don't hear from her for a couple of days. I take it as a good sign that she's busy doing things with her friends or studying rather than thinking something bad has happened to her.
I worry more when she's home because I know what her plans are. She'll often switch on find my friends when she gets to wherever she's going like modern day equivalent of 'giving three rings'

Kite22 · 23/02/2022 23:31

I'm with your friend.
All you are doing is driving yourself insane with worry.
I'm on my 3rd dc being away at University. You can't be tracking their every move. You have to let them live their lives.

I know my dd walks home in the early hours regularly - she works in a bar, so that's when she finishes work, apart from the fact she to likes to work in the library until the early hours.
What you have to do is trust that you brought her up with skills and common sense to look after herself and be aware of her surroundings.
Yes, there has been some awful things in the news, but they hit the news because they are incredibly rare. As it is to be murdered in your home, but it does happen to people. People get killed on the roads every day, and you don't get to hear about it very much as it is commonplace. But you don't worry about her getting in a car, or on a bus, or even walking along the pavement ?

Temp7854 · 23/02/2022 23:31

Realistically what could you do if you didn’t hear from her?

I would instead speak to her about keeping safe, make sure she’s aware of all the danger point ms and ways to mitigate them. I would also check that she and her flat mates always agree to let each other know when they get home. Then you know she’s being looked out for.

Then let her get on with it all, knowing that she’s as clued up as possible.

You could also suggest (if they’re happy to do so) that flat mates have each other’s parents numbers in case of emergency (that could also be if they’re ill or have an accident). I assume that the university has a way to contact you, but you might feel reassured if her friends have your number.

mizzo · 23/02/2022 23:33

@StaplesCorner

Aren't they for people who feel unsafe? If your DD feels safer letting you know where she is that's different to you needing to know where she is for your peace of mind.

Original poster

StaplesCorner · 23/02/2022 23:34

@Hugasauras

I'm 36 and text with my mum every day

I wouldn't want to pressure her to text you every morning and night, but if it's just part of your normal communication pattern then it's fine.

Yes it is @Hugasauras, that's what we normally do, e.g., she sends me cat pictures and I send her dog pictures, tell her what we've had for tea etc!

The thread's gone a bit odd, perhaps I didn't explain it properly?

OP posts:

Hugasauras · 23/02/2022 23:40

I think it's fairly normal then if you're in that kind of continual communication anyway to just say 'Did you get home okay?' if you know she's been walking home at night. It doesn't necessarily have to be controlling or overpowering, and if she's happy to answer it and it's just part of your communication dynamic then no harm.

The feeling worried thing isn't nice but I totally understand it. I think of some of the situations I put myself in at that age and they were unwise (walking home along from nights out, etc.) and given some of the horrible cases in the news lately, I don't think you'll be alone in feeling anxious about it!

Toomuchwineobs · 23/02/2022 23:44

I’m sure there’s no need to worry but there’s some apps I believe. I’ve not had any experience but I’ve heard of Strut Safe hotline and apps like Walksafe which you could ask her to use which might put you more at ease.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 23/02/2022 23:48

When I went to Uni 30 years ago there were no mobiles. We had one phone per 30 people in our Uni hall ... I spoke to my parents once a week.

People don't know how lucky they are today!

Etinoxaurus · 23/02/2022 23:52

We’re all on findfriends and I find it tremendously reassuring. It didn’t stop me noticing when DS was sofa surfing for a month but particularly with very early starts, when they’re slumping a little it’s nice to be able to say get out or just to be reassured they’ve caught a train, rather than calling or texting them. It happened organically. Pre covid we were often in 5 different time zones and driving so didn’t want to disturb each other.

Original poster

StaplesCorner · 23/02/2022 23:53

Just to say don't worry if you don't hear back from me overnight, I'm off to bed I will reflect and might do a bump tomorrow too. Thanks for everyone's opinions.

OP posts:

ThePlantsitter · 23/02/2022 23:59

I think texting every morning and evening would drive me mad but if it's normal for you both I suppose it's normal. The only thing is if it has to be twice a day or is stifling since she might be doing something else. To be honest and in the kindest possible way (as a fellow anxious person whose tweens are tucked up in bed), getting that anxious of you don't hear from her does mean it has to be twice a day doesn't it. And it's making your anxiety her problem. You can say is nice because you're worried about her, but actually it isn't nice for someone else's peace of mind to depend on you being available to them when they require it. It's actually quite selfish (I'm sure not intended as such).

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