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Original poster

How much worry is normal for young adult daughter walking home?

122 replies

StaplesCorner · 23/02/2022 23:08

My eldest DD20 at uni in a large-ish city. She often uses the library etc and ends up walking home after dark - at the moment that's not hard is it as its dark around 5.30/6pm. This evening she was much later I've been sick with worry since about 9.30 she said she was leaving and its only a 30 minute walk home. I finally messaged her again and got a reply that she's home about 10 minutes ago. Phew.

Thing is though, why am I "sick with worry" - I could feel the awful adrenaline feeling in my stomach and even now I know she's home, I can still feel it almost like a hangover effect. Just having a cup of tea to calm down. I text her every morning and evening to make sure she's ok - is this too much? Its definitely got worse since recent events with well publicised murders. But I'm still thinking is it ok to feel like this or am I too anxious? I asked a friend whose DD same age is also at uni and she thought I was mad. Will I still feel like this if she's living alone and working away in a few years time, or even when she's married?!

I should just clarify I don't think I worry more than anyone else about her health or her grades or housing etc., its just specifically the walking home thing that really pushes my buttons.

OP posts:
sodastreamer · 24/02/2022 00:00

@exexpat struck a chord, as I've realised that's exactly how my parents made me feel. It wasn't intentional, they loved and cared about me, but their excessive anxiety became my burden to bear.

It's a fine line... as parents we worry from the moment they're born, but please try to deal with what is essentially your issue, and don't let it impact on your dd life and her relationship with you

Lolingokay · 24/02/2022 00:08

I don't think you're unreasonable at all OP. Strange how some are saying you're going to 'ruin your relationship' with her by simply wanting to know when she's back - or the idea that her simply texting you is going to make her less independent. Surely this indicates a caring, close mother daughter relationship.
The reality of the matter is that risk increases a lot at night, the later at night it is and when you're a young woman. Combine all those factors together and it's not great she's staying out late and you're right to be concerned.

Midlifemusings · 24/02/2022 00:20

That kind of helicopter parenting would have driven me insane as a young adult. I am very grateful to have had parents who let me be independent. I travelled the world and did all kinds of adventures. I can't imagine being an adult needing to report in every time I walk or go out at night or my whereabouts morning and night. I would have just said no anyways as I value my independence.

Creeping5Vin · 24/02/2022 02:24

Far too much contact

How about once a week instead

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 24/02/2022 05:30

It's far, far too much.

She's an adult. She can go out without telling you her every movement and she definitely doesn't have to text you as soon as she gets home so you don't worry!

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 24/02/2022 05:38

Too much hovering to make her responsible for your worry. And no to tracking unless she asks for it.

By far the most likely way she will come to harm is from a trusted romantic partner.

GCAcademic · 24/02/2022 05:47

@whiteworldgettingwhiter

When I went to Uni 30 years ago there were no mobiles. We had one phone per 30 people in our Uni hall ... I spoke to my parents once a week.

People don't know how lucky they are today!

Personally, I think we were luckier back then!
Polyanthus2 · 24/02/2022 06:10

The problem for me is that the txting is a MUST DO for your DD. Nice that you have regular contact but I hate HAVING to do stuff. eg call someone . I might find it's 9pm and I'm dozing in front of the tv but I usually called DP - well i'd make the call but be v annoyed I was olbiged to do it.

It's the outright panic from you which makes her obliged to do it. Not so good imv.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 24/02/2022 06:14

The best thing you can do is teach her situational awareness.

Do you want her to come to you if she has a problem, or be too scared about worrying you?

peboh · 24/02/2022 06:18

I'm 38, married and a mum myself and my mum still messages every day to see how am I! I like it! However if I don't reply within a certain time frame, she doesn't get over anxious (that I know of) as she recognises that I'm an adult, who has things going on and can be busy.
It's understandable that you worry, but you need to try and not let her know that. You're putting your own anxiety on her, and it becomes her responsibility to manage and that isn't fair. There's nothing wrong with checking in, but knowing her ins and out is too much! I think you need to focus on your own anxiety, and try to work through that.

Allaboutyou222 · 24/02/2022 06:21

My mother’s anxiety was and is still crushing. Is your daughter ok with this constant checking in? Have you asked her?

She’s an adult, living an independent life in another city. She shouldn’t need to be doing this.

Allaboutyou222 · 24/02/2022 06:23

And also, I find myself having to deal with my mum’s anxiety so end up telling her nothing. I sugar coat my life so she doesn’t worry.

SprigofSage · 24/02/2022 06:40

@exexpat

That's too much. You will ruin your relationship with your daughter.

My mother is like you, and it has meant I have ended up strictly limiting what I tell her because I cannot stand having the burden of dealing with her anxiety dumped on me.

I was happiest when I was living on the other side of the world and only speaking to her once or twice a week, so she had no idea where I was or what I was doing most of the time.

She is now in her 80s and I am in my 50s and I still push back against her excessive anxiety and wanting to check up on me. If she weren't like that, I could have a much more open relationship with her and let her in on what is happening in my life, but I have learned that it is just not worth telling her anything remotely worrying as I am then left dealing with the consequences for weeks.

Snap. It's so sad because I actually think my Mother's great most of the time, but her anxiety and excessive worrying forces a distance between us. I hate it!
BrimfulOfBaba · 24/02/2022 07:03

I agree with PP. My mum would ruin quite a lot of my evenings out by making her anxiety my problem.

I don't think there are easy answers here, you can't help that you worry. I always wanted to shake my mum and tell her to get some hobbies or something so she could keep her mind off things. I am sure your daughter has her own safety in mind.

You suggested an app earlier in the thread - if you suggest one, be sure your daughter will receive the suggestion enthusiastically. If my mum suggested it to me, I would hit the roof.

MissTrip82 · 24/02/2022 07:12

The greatest risk your daughter would ever take is having a male domestic partner. If that happens it will provide almost all of her risk of being murdered.

Don’t make her stress about this small amount of independence and freedom.

mynameiscalypso · 24/02/2022 07:12

@Allaboutyou222

And also, I find myself having to deal with my mum’s anxiety so end up telling her nothing. I sugar coat my life so she doesn’t worry.
100% this. My DM is very similar to you. I know she means well but it felt very smothering and like there was no room for being spontaneous.
Blush21 · 24/02/2022 07:15

I’m 26. Moved out 4 years ago but my mam still asks for a text to say I’m home when I’ve dropped her off or she knows I’ve been out that evening. I don’t mind, I find it comforting to know she cares and if something did happen then there’s also someone to raise the alarm as I’m expected home etc. if you’re daughter doesn’t mind then keep doing it! Perhaps she also finds comfort in it, plus it takes 2 seconds to text you’re home not like your asking for a half hour call

GeneLovesJezebel · 24/02/2022 07:15

I know it’s hard to let go, but you have to or you’ll spend the next 3 years worried to death.
You need to take a step back and it will become easier for you.

Oblomov22 · 24/02/2022 07:18

This is not normal. Your anxiety is in overdrive and you are damaging your dd with your parenting. Please speak to your GP.
I walk home safely now, I did at Uni. All this being scared and anxious is not rational.

Allaboutyou222 · 24/02/2022 07:19

We don’t know that the daughter doesn’t mind. I find dealing with my mum’s anxiety really stressful. I avoid telling her things or going to her for support. Is that what you want OP?

Don’t burden her with your anxiety. At the very least ask her if she is happy to continue to ‘check in’.

custardbear · 24/02/2022 07:23

Is it a dangerous part of a city she's walking through? Is it across campus? Does she carry a personal alarm?
Yes, as others say it's probably too much worry abs there's nothing you can do, but if she's got her wits about her and ensures an alarm is at hand and she's in lit areas she'll likely be ok. Can she cycle maybe for extra personal security?

wishuponastar1988 · 24/02/2022 07:28

I don't think speaking to her twice a day is too much if it's quite normal for you both. I spoke with my mum at least once a day without fail when I was at uni (usually a phone call) and then text aswell. I'm 33 now and stayed in the city I went to uni - we spoke on the phone 3 times yesterday Grin

Bagelsandbrie · 24/02/2022 07:29

My dd is 19 and at university and of course I worry about her everyday but I can’t imagine being this involved - we do text everyday but it’s general banter / random memes type stuff. She goes out clubbing most nights and does get in till 4/5am! (I only know this because she’s on Instagram and I can see when she’s last been online and I know she always checks it before she goes to bed)! I don’t message her to check she got in okay though. Just have to trust she’s ok and hope for the best. The thing I worry about the most is the spikings in clubs.

cissyandbessy · 24/02/2022 07:29

I think that your worry is being passed in to your daughter and it's worth thinking about how this will
Impact your relationship long term. Me and my siblings don't tell my mum much about our lives as her anxiety is very high. So now our mother doesn't really know what goes on in our lives at all and also we kind of resent never being able to be supported when times are hard. When things are tough for us we also have to prioritise reassuring our mum that it will all be okay - I wish that she had got some help for her anxiety issues as everyone around her has to cocoon her from the worry and it's become a source of anger and upset. Worth considering for you maybe as your sound close right now but how will this affect things as the years go by? You can use Find my Friends on phones if you need reassurance on where she is maybe instead? Or arrange a proper catch up a couple of times per week rather than a daily check in.

catfunk · 24/02/2022 07:34

Op you need to get help.
Attacks in the news are awful of course but your dd is far more at risk from a husband or boyfriend statistically.
You'll be severely affecting her mental health by pushing your anxieties onto her - please deal with them

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