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Original poster

How much worry is normal for young adult daughter walking home?

122 replies

StaplesCorner · 23/02/2022 23:08

My eldest DD20 at uni in a large-ish city. She often uses the library etc and ends up walking home after dark - at the moment that's not hard is it as its dark around 5.30/6pm. This evening she was much later I've been sick with worry since about 9.30 she said she was leaving and its only a 30 minute walk home. I finally messaged her again and got a reply that she's home about 10 minutes ago. Phew.

Thing is though, why am I "sick with worry" - I could feel the awful adrenaline feeling in my stomach and even now I know she's home, I can still feel it almost like a hangover effect. Just having a cup of tea to calm down. I text her every morning and evening to make sure she's ok - is this too much? Its definitely got worse since recent events with well publicised murders. But I'm still thinking is it ok to feel like this or am I too anxious? I asked a friend whose DD same age is also at uni and she thought I was mad. Will I still feel like this if she's living alone and working away in a few years time, or even when she's married?!

I should just clarify I don't think I worry more than anyone else about her health or her grades or housing etc., its just specifically the walking home thing that really pushes my buttons.

OP posts:
BocolateChiscuits · 24/02/2022 07:37

If you think of emotions as contagious, then you run the risk of her catching anxiety from you. Do you want her thinking the world is inherently unsafe, curtailing her life so that she's never alone outside past 5pm in the Winter, or sitting at home with her heart in her mouth because a partner is a bit late home from work and she's convinced he's died in an car accident?

You could argue that she'll be safer if she's more scared of walking at night, but objectively speaking the risks are tiny - as a PP pointed out they're even small compared to the risks of being murdered by a partner. If you were to encourage behaviour that increases her lifespan, statistically speaking you'd be better off encouraging good diet, exercise, social and sleep habits, and helping her to relax because people who stress less also tend to live longer.

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 24/02/2022 07:38

I agree with Allaboutyou222 and others

I worry about my teens all the time obviously - DD is 16 and at college commuting by train to the next city. She comes home later than your DD twice per week because she has a babysitting job and goes to an additional evening class.

It doesn't help DD that I worry.

It's my problem (a completely normal unremarkable standard one parents just have always had) and I will not put that on her.

In fact requiring your DD to check in is making her responsible for you.

I remember y mother doing the same - I was responsible for her worrying. That was what mattered - her discomfort.

So I stopped telling her anything.

As far as my mother knows now, everyone in my household is always fine. We only tell her good stuff because otherwise managing her emotions and the guilt about not constantly updating and reassuring her just becomes one more hassle.

I won't do that to my DD and tbh you shouldn't either.

Worrying is natural but it doesn't help the object of the worry. Don't make your anxieties your daughter's burden.

scandikate · 24/02/2022 07:40

It's definitely too much. You need to give her some independence and trust that she will make safe choices. Maybe buy her an alarm or suggest she does self defence? Then try and forget about her daily schedule.

Bagelsandbrie · 24/02/2022 07:43

Just another thing to add….

If you put pressure on her to tell you when she’s home all the time she may just start lying - telling you she’s home at 9.30 and then going out clubbing afterwards and not getting in till 4/5am like my dd and most of her friends. (They don’t even go out until 10pm - she’s at Nottingham). That’s even worse than what’s happening now as you’d have literally no idea where she was or whether she’s safe or not. So you really need to take a step back and let her live her life on her own more.

Whattochoosenow · 24/02/2022 07:49

We FaceTime once a week with children at uni. Occasional texts in between if we need info about something.

finished31 · 24/02/2022 07:49

OP getting some shitty comments here. My DD is 20 away for uni and I worry. I think it's odd if you didn't!

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 24/02/2022 07:52

finished31 worrying is normal but burdening our children with responsibility for our worry is not. Parents worry - good parents keep 99% of their worry to themselves.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 24/02/2022 07:52

@finished31

OP getting some shitty comments here. My DD is 20 away for uni and I worry. I think it's odd if you didn't!
Worrying is fine. Nobody is saying you shouldn't worry.

But not to the extent that you make your adult daughter text you on her way home from the library in the dark and worry because it's 9pm and she's not home yet.

Joystir59 · 24/02/2022 07:52

If I were her I would ignore your calls and texts. Let her go. You cannot keep her safe or protect her from the dangers out there, so accept that simple fact and stop trying. Stop it completely. You will feel better!

xxxsuper · 24/02/2022 07:57

@Creeping5Vin

Far too much contact

How about once a week instead

This is one of the oddest comments I have ever seen on mumsnet.

Once a week contact with adult children! Why?

I like my adult children Grin

finished31 · 24/02/2022 07:58

Walking home in the dark is what OP is worrying about. I can't wrap
my head around why some comments are making out OP is OTT.

Clymene · 24/02/2022 07:59

I like my parents and siblings but only speak to them once a week @xxxsuper

When my children leave home, I won't expect them to want to speak to me more than once a week.

I'm their mum, not their friend.

Polyanthus2 · 24/02/2022 08:02

But walking home in the dark, calling, txting to see where she is /has she made it home is probably distracting her from her surroundings. What if she doesn't txt to say she's home - how long will you wait before contacting police? I would expect an hour or two. By then if she has been attacked it's too late. I don't see how all this contact is actually making DD safer or OP reassured.

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 24/02/2022 08:09

finished31 you can't wrap your head around why burdening her DD with responsibility for her mother's anxiety is ott? Really?

It's normal to worry. It's not normal to insist a 20 year old texts her mother to say she's got home from the library every single time because she has been made responsible for her mother's emotions!

It's highly likely that the 20 year old in question is also going out socially later at night and not telling her mother because if she mentioned it it'd become all about reassuring her worried mother.

if she's not going out without telling her mother it's highly likely that's because her mother has passed on her anxiety and limited her daughter's life!

Children (including young adult ones) should not be made to carry responsibility for their parents emotions!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 24/02/2022 08:10

@finished31

Walking home in the dark is what OP is worrying about. I can't wrap my head around why some comments are making out OP is OTT.
But she's an adult, not a teenager.

It's OTT to expect an adult to text you when they're home every single day.

By all means worry, but don't expect your adult children to pacify you.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 24/02/2022 08:11

Do we ever stop worrying? Mine are 21 and 23 and I still have trouble sleeping if I know they're out and will be late back. Both still live at home so I'm lying there waiting for the sound of the door.

SallyWD · 24/02/2022 08:11

You can't help how you feel but I'm uncomfortable with the thought she knew you were "sick with worry". As others have said it's a terrible thing to be burdened with others worry, when they make their anxiety your problem. I had cancer a few years ago and my in-laws were constantly burdening me with their anxiety about it. I had so much deal with in my own mind (having cancer with 2 children to look after, would I leave them without a mother etc) but instead, every day I had to deal with their anxiety which made me feel 100 x worse. My own parents were obviously deeply worried and frightened for me but they never once burdened me with their worry. Instead they supported me, emotionally and practically. I've had years of dealing with my in-laws anxiety about everything and it exhausts me. If you're always dumping your anxiety on your daughter she'll just stop telling you what she's doing.

bigbluebus · 24/02/2022 08:14

As a parent I don't think you ever stop worrying about your DCs no matter how old they are but you must not transfer that worry on to them!
She's away at Uni so you shouldn't really know where she is on a day by day/ hour by hour basis.

finished31 · 24/02/2022 08:16

If OP has a 'share my location' on then yes it would be too much.

But considering recent events with SE, it's not really too much to ask for OP's DD to send a quick 'home mum' text when she does walk home solo in the dark. Which I'm guessing is not every night of the week.

I send my DD and good morning/good night message everyday as do many of my friends to their DC's.

Bagelsandbrie · 24/02/2022 08:20

It’s normal to worry but you don’t show your children you worry. It’s like when they’re learning to walk- you cheer and smile and get excited (and you are excited for them) but you’re also terrified they’re going to fall over or bump their head into the furniture etc. You just don’t show them that as you want them to walk fearlessly. Same thing.

Scarby9 · 24/02/2022 08:23

Like @whiteworldgettingwhiter I was at university before mobile phones and queued to ring home on the pay phone once or twice a week.

My mum worried about me getting home safely after dark when I was back at their home, but never when I was away, because she didn't know what I was doing or where I was.

Only on the last couple of years have I had to ring as soon as I get back from visiting my parents to say I am safely home. They are mid 80s. I think it is ok to do that now, but it is limiting. I can't decide half way home to pop to the supermarket or call in on a friend - which are things an adult should be able to do without having to reassure other adults they don't live with.

Your daughter is young and needs to be able to live her own life her way without feeling the burden of your worries. Try to show her a more relaxed side of you.

BobbinHood · 24/02/2022 08:24

I agree it would be better not to know what she’s doing in such detail. When I was at university my DM had no idea where I was or what I was doing at any time unless I told her. She wouldn’t have been aware if I walked home or took the bus or a taxi or if I was alone or with people. Because I’m an adult and those were my choices to make, and part of being an adult is that it’s no longer appropriate for a parent to be keeping tabs on you (even if I’d wanted that).

Onceuponapotato · 24/02/2022 08:24

Another one here who strictly limited what I told my mum so that her worries didn’t become my problems. But she’s got a lot better and I can tell her most things now.

Worry is normal. But the level of worry you are describing - sick with worry, adrenaline, needing a cup of tea to calm down - that is not a normal level of worry for this situation.

The apps you mentioned - if she feels she needs them, they’re fine. But it would not be fine for you to insist she use them.

You’ve previously known every inch of her life, or felt like it, when she was at home. Her moving out is a huge transition for you. It’s natural to feel anxiety. But you need to find a way to limit it to a manageable level.

BobbinHood · 24/02/2022 08:26

@finished31

Walking home in the dark is what OP is worrying about. I can't wrap my head around why some comments are making out OP is OTT.
The OP even knowing that her adult child who lives in another city is a walking home in the dark is what’s OTT.
whysoserious123 · 24/02/2022 08:27

OP this is your normal relationship and communication pattern with your daughter. This is a completely a non issue. It doesn't matter that your daughter is over 18 as that doesn't mean she's an adult so she's safe from the danger in the world. If you want to text her then you text her she's precious to you and your daughter knows this and you are precious to her so she obviously responds because she enjoys speaking with you and doesn't want you to worry . You texting her will not negatively have an impact on her. As I have said above this is a non issue

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